Her Darkest Night (Part 3 of 3)

Posted on 09 Jun 2012 @ 3:01am by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant JG Brayden White Ph.D.

3,267 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD07 - 0500 hrs

Kiri didn't take the hint. He was the one that had wanted to talk to her about the song. So far she had been here a good hour, normally she would be starting work in an hour anyway. Even though she went to bed late the day before, she felt she could cope. It wasn't the first time she had gone without sleep for a day. Normally it was only when she had a project she wanted to finish. Being alone wasn't something she wanted very much right now. After a pause she asked again, "What do I need to do?" She didn't want to do it, it wasn't the answer or even the life style she wanted, but there wasn't a choice. She couldn't give up.

"Need to do?" he asked.

It was back towards the painful topic again, but she had to know, "To make friends with people?" Her voice quivered.

He braided his fingers, "We can talk about that, sure. What are the sorts of things that would make you want to be friends with someone else? You said being nice, before. Anything else?"

Kiri thought hard on this, she didn't really want to place anything as unlikely, "It might be helpful if they are like me, sort of." More than that was a stretch on her. It seemed attractive if they were as hard working as she was, that they took their work seriously.

"Like you how?" he asked, to clarify.

Looking mildly uncomfortable she did so, "Not too loud, serious about work, maybe liking the things I do," Overall she wasn't sure.

He offered her her glass of water again and readjusted the blanket around her shoulders. "And how would you go about figuring out if someone else had those qualities?"

"I don't know," Kiri felt that she should, but there wasn't much of an idea in her head.

"Kiri," he said gently. "I think we can get to a place where you do know. But we have to start with you. Other people, we can't control what they do or what they think or how they feel. We can only manage ourselves. Have you ever heard the idea that the journey is a greater treasure than the destination?"

Kiri didn't liked the rouge element of people, she liked things she could predict, plan for and act with or against. She wanted to know but was forced to shake her head, "I do, but I don't feel I agree for this." The journey to her looked like it would be nothing but pain and suffering towards the goal she wanted.

He bit back a sigh. Trying to talk reason to anyone at three in the morning was ridiculous unless they were on Gamma shift. He was exhausted. She was exhausted. "There's no beaming from point a to point b on this one. We've talked about that. But we'll get there. How are you feeling?"

She knew that, but that didn't mean she agreed that the destination was less important than the journey. Her time at the academy was fine, but the destination she had now gotten to was always more important. Part of what caused her problem. The second part of what he said, Kiri found much harder to consider. She didn't want to lie to him but she was already lying and hiding it from herself. The only honest answer she felt she could give was, "I don't know, not good." Her tone twinged back towards the one that had started her sobbing before.

"I could replicate some tea. Would you like that?" he asked her. "My daughters always crave chamomile when they've had a night of it."

She considered the offer, something more homely might be called for. It a first for someone outside her family to get her something to eat or drink, "May I have a small milk tea instead?" If he was replicating it then it shouldn't be too much trouble. Sometimes her mother would make it, something to have on autumn afternoons.

He nodded, rested his hand on her shoulder for a moment, the headed to the replicator. "Two milk teas, one glass plain milk cold, and a plate of chocolate biscuits," he requested and returned to her, setting the tea and cookies on the table between them. "Haven't had milk tea in ages," he told her as he dug into his kit and found an antibacterial pad, bringing it back to her with the milk. He tapped just under his eye as he sat down and retrieved his own tea. "Cold milk on the eyes helps them feel a little better. See if it helps."

For the first time in three and a bit years, other than when she was at home, she considered eating. Her normal diet was just eating three day slow release ration packs, her next one would be at six in the morning, only an hour and a half away. It wouldn't hurt to do so, she had been up a lot more than normal. Still eating in front of people was weird, and did she even want one of the biscuits? She was clearly looking at them until he spoke up about the milk. That was news on her, if it was an actual problem then she could just relax the muscles with a medical kit. Still, with deft hands she took the pad and skimmed it across the milk before lightly dabbing her eyes. While she did this with both her eyes closed she repeated again, "Thank you." Letting out a small slightly hidden sigh. He was her councillor, she had questions. She was acting like a child and annoying him.

He'd seen her eyeing the plate, so he picked up one of the cookies and soaked it in his tea before biting off the soggy bit and sipping. Some people were funny about eating before others. "Sure," he said. He only hoped that it would help.

Her puffy eyes settling a little and feeling somewhat better she frowned before relaxing a little bit back to normal again, "I think I worked out why I am like this, when I was little." The reading that started all this that had made her think. Trying to make sense of it, what she got was another answer she didn't like. One that she wanted to hide forever, but she wanted his help, to fix her as she saw it, she was broken. Whatever he said.

"Oh?" he replied, setting his tea to the side to listen. If she had thoughts about herself that she wanted or needed to voice, then he was there to help her navigate them.

Clearly still a little reluctant to talk about it she went on, "When I was little, the other children would make fun of me," This was one of the things that she had locked away, partly forgotten about. It bore with her until today though.

"Children can be cruel," he murmured. No matter how far along humanity came, regardless of what alien races he came across, he'd found one thing to be true. There would always be bullies and there would always be those who suffered because of them. It was unfair, but unavoidable.

Silently Kiri nodded her head, because Brayden was also quite quiet she was unsure if she wanted to go on. Her defences started to drop more, the guilt that everything here was her fault she managed to force herself to go on, "They would make fun of my spots." Even though she was a quite human looking alien. That others were even blue or had horns, Kiri was the only one with spots. She was also one of the only ones that acted so explosively.

"That must have been difficult for you," he sympathized, wondering how she'd gotten from that to her lack of emotional growth and interpersonal skills. She'd mentioned her mother and parents, so he knew she had family. Had they been an additional part of the problem, he wondered. Or just been lacking in providing her the shelter and encouragement she needed to move past that? Except she had. She'd had friends. She'd said as much. There were gaps in his information. "There weren't other Trill where you grew up?"

Kiri shook her head resigning herself to facts, "None, I didn't even see one until I was eleven." Her parents just didn't know any Trill, locally there weren't any and by that time Kiri had already started to shut herself away. It was by chance at a craft shop that she had seen one for a few seconds. It scared her more than anything.

He looked askance at her. "Your family?"

Kiri shook her head, "No, my family is all human."

"Adoption?" he asked. There were any number of reasons why a Trill had ended up being raised solely by humans, but adoption seemed like the most likely. Why her family hadn't seen to it that she had connections to her heritage was a question for another time.

"Yes," Kiri nodded again. Her family was human and that made up most of her identity, it was the rest of it that she felt caused her problems. If she was human then most of the problems she felt she had wouldn't exist.

"Have you been in contact with other Trill? In Academy or through their embassies on Earth?"

Shaking her head now, "No, but I spoke with Master Warrant Officer Peers yesterday, the day before." She took into account the fact that it was now early in the morning of the next day.

Right, she'd mentioned Peers. Brayden wondered how the two young women would have interacted, considering both of their tendencies to misread the intentions of others; he'd considered the possibility that it might be a latent Trill psychological state, but his research had shown that these particular issues just happened to be occurring to Peers and Cho - not as a general phenomenon. "Yes?"

Kiri wasn't really sure what he meant by that, looking quizzical for a moment, "I know I didn't say before, I didn't think it was important." It didn't seem that someone's species would really matter that much when it came to making friends. Kiri thought perhaps that he didn't know that Peers was a Trill, that his questioning yes required an answer like that.

"Is it important to you that she is?"

"I don't know, I guess it doesn't really matter," Her tone was a little strained as she tried to mull through what she wanted and what she thought was the right thing to say.

"That is up to you," he said simply, picking up the milk tea again. "How's the tea?"

Reminding her of it, Kiri's eyes turned to the cup on the table. Even though she had asked for it, she hadn't touched it. It was rude and not allowed, looking concerned her hands darted forwards to clasp it. Sipping it she found it hard to enjoy something that she quite liked. It was soft and warm, but it felt like there was too much going on in her head to focus on it. Her answer was equally unfocused, "It is fine, thank you."

"You're welcome," he told her with a half smile. "Try one of the biscuits if you like. Tip Taps are my daughter's favorite. When did you finish your last shift?"

Her mind still wasn't made up if she should take any of the biscuits, eating like that just didn't seem normal any more. While she puzzled this further she answered, "Officially my shift ended at sixteen hundred, but I was busy until oh one thirty." As of yet she hadn't been given any official extra shifts, but that hadn't stopped her at all.

"Busy with what?" he asked gently.

Leaving the question of the biscuits Kiri looked up at him, "I was working on something important in the computer core after my shift, then I reviewed sensor readings until I tried to go to sleep." Three hours after that she had came here. To her the work she was doing seemed vital, of the utmost importance.

The computer core? What in the computer core was in the purview of a sensor analyst? "When was that? When you tried to go to sleep."

Kiri's internal chronometer was normally spot on, able to guess the time most of the time and set everything she did by it. After the night before this one it had been rather off set, "Around half past one."

"And then what happened?"

Looking down at her knees again Kiri answered, "I normally read for half an hour or an hour until I feel tired, I just didn't and I kept reading. Then I wanted to talk to somebody, but I couldn't."

"You're talking to me," he reminded her with a slight smile. "What made you think you couldn't before?"

She hadn't explained very well, "I tried, my parents weren't home and my friend on Vulcan wasn't either, I don't know where anyone else is. So, you are the only other person on the ship I," She trailed off, he didn't want that kind of relationship with her, he said it wasn't allowed.

Brayden tilted his head to the side, waiting to see if she would finish the sentence. When she didn't, he turned the cup of tea in his hands thoughtfully. "So far," he assured her gently. "But I'll always be here if you need to talk." He paused. "What was it that you wanted to talk about, when you reached out to your parents and your friend?"

Starting to feel guilty and childish now, "I was feeling lonely, that I had made so many mistakes before. The texts I have been reading makes that very obvious." It was more than likely bad for her but she wanted to read up on as much as she could, that was her normal way for solving things. "I just really needed to, anyone."

"Text?" He tried to think of what in the hologuide he'd given her could possibly bring up a negative reaction. It was entirely about self-empowerment and finding the joys about oneself. "The book I gave you?"

"I finished that one. I was doing additional reading around the subject," her hands shaking slightly she took another sip before stifling another small yawn.

Brayden nodded slowly. "What, exactly, did you choose to supplement with?" he asked, not judging, just wanting to get a handle on what she had in her head.

Counting off on her fingers she answered, "Major and Minor Personality Types by Ian Vacury, Causes of Diminished Social Development in Humans by Vort'T'Ku and Causes of Personality Problems in Human Children by Saila Veishi." While they tended to be just thoughts and theories on development Kiri had twisted them somewhat to try and find an answer to what her problem really was so she could fix it. What she ended up with was a huge list of problems and no answers.

The Australian maintained his carefully neutral, listening expression. "I would start by pointing out that Vort'T'Ku's social development theory text is one of the least reliable texts on human development I've ever read. It's also, in my opinion and the opinion of most therapists of a variety of races I've spoken with - utter racist claptrap. Do you know he's never actually had a conversation with a human? Complete non-exposure. The others are fine books, if you're interested in the subject matter, but they don't apply to you. Stick with the workbook. It's not just for reading through. You need to actually put the assignments and thought experiments into practice. Use the mantras. If you want a wider reading list in a couple weeks, I can recommend some other books, but the best thing for you, I honestly believe, is to work slowly and diligently through the workbook and keep exploring how much you're willing to open up."

She had read the work book but didn't feel as if she was really able to do it. Kiri had started, reaching out to people trying to get to know them and relate to them. The book had in no way explained that it took time, or most of the things she found herself coming across. This was why she had wanted to know more. Picking titles that she felt were relevant, apparently she had failed there as well. Success in this field felt so very hard. Looking deep into her drink she felt small, "I'll try."

"In your own time," he encouraged her.

Kiri was trying to do it as fast as possible, she didn't, whatever he said, want it to take time. This was something she wanted now, wanted yesterday, wanted to have never been without. That was way she applied herself so hard, too hard. As it dawned on her that she was looking into the frothy brown drink she turned back to him for a moment, "I suppose."

"Well," he nodded, considering her. "Breakfast?"

Looking rather startled at the propitiation the girl that less than an hour ago had been crying looked up at him, "Excuse me?" This would be the first time she was invited to a meal of any sort, for someone that didn't normally eat in the conventional sense, it was rather alien. For someone that didn't want to be or couldn't be her friend, was it normal? No one else on the crew had asked her so far, she didn't know what to do.

"Do you want breakfast?" he asked. "Biscuits make me peckish. It's backwards, but there it is. Something about the sugar, I think. Either way, do you want to go up and grab something? Mess hall should have opened about a half hour ago."

There wasn't really a reason to object, it was the start of her ration cycle so that could just be adjusted. Plus, maybe it would be helpful, clearly considering for several long seconds she responded, "Oh, okay then, is that normal?"

"Is what normal?"

"Eating breakfast with your?" She trailed off as she tried to think what their relationship was exactly, "Patient?" She seemed unsure of that guess.

Brayden cocked his head to the side. "I eat food. You eat food. I drink. You drink. We talk. Yes. I think we're safe from protocol breaches," he winked at her.

After taking a long slow slip of her drink Kiri tried to give a smile but only made it half way. Placing it down on the table she cushioned it with her little finger so not to make a sound. Standing up she smoothed her uniform down with a nervous breath, "Thank you." Her head was a jumble, at lot of things didn't make any sense. Maybe they would later, maybe not.

"All right," he took the plates from the table and loaded them into the energy recycling bin, scrubbed a hand through his hair, and tapped the door open. "After you."

Nervousness was replacing unease and general upset, her hands held tightly in front of her. Her mask for now seemed secure and the feelings inside her seemed buried. Her confidence had taken a battering though and by and large it wasn't a good mood. Eyes dropped more towards the floor and the shadows of sleeplessness and tears shadowing them. Responding to his offer she walked slowly, this was her first visit to the messhall.

[OFF]
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LT JG (Pr) Brayden White Ph.D.
Counselor
USS Galileo

ENS Kiri Cho
Science Officer/Sensor Specialist
USS Galileo

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