Her Darkest Night (Part 1 of 3)

Posted on 09 Jun 2012 @ 3:00am by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant JG Brayden White Ph.D.

3,924 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Ensign Cho's Quarters/Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD07 - 0330 hrs

[ON]

It extremely late, by ships time it was 0330 hours. Kiri for the first time in a long time, hadn't been able to sleep. She was reading the texts that had been left to her by the new ships councillor. Ever since her talk with him she had been coming across feelings so long buried that she didn't have much idea how to deal with. Four years of loneliness, fear, worry and social inadequacy all came up at once. There was no way for her to get rid of those feelings, when she was alone in her room there wasn't any way to hide from them. Sat up under the sheets her bed had a collection of pads on it. In one hand she held one that had a range of texts loaded onto it. Each night since that painful discussion she had been reading them before bed. Each night she made just a little bit of progress. Tonight though it was harder, the words weren't sinking in. They were about her, more than anything else. Why people like her ended up the way they did, knowing her better than she did. Each line she could put towards herself in a negative light. It wasn't the book that Mr White had given her, something extra she had selected for herself. Loneliness burned more than ever.

Putting together the events in her head that made her this way, confronting them and seeing how terrible she had been. How wrong her choices were and how much she wanted anyone to talk to her, to fix it. To know how. Even having reached out, trying to make friends. In the chasm left in her heart, they barely changed any of what she felt inside. Kiri felt it should have changed what she felt. Progress was minor though, whatever she hoped for. She had merely talked to a few people she didn't even know liked her very much. Feeling an upturn in the pain she tried to take more drastic action. Dressed in her under shirt and shorts she slid from the covers, letting the pads clatter on the sheets.

Her quarters were dark, the only light came from the window and the large decoration on her desk. Once she moved it lit up, a large rotating hyperdodecahedron sculpture, a soft blue crystal structure housing magnets that let each point float effortlessly. Other than a few pictures of her family, it was the only decoration she had so far. Given to her by her best friend when she was fifteen, Sellen. On seeing it, Kiri missed her even more. Looking rather dejected she brushed her hair in the mirror before sitting down at her desk. With a deep breath she decided to call home. It would be mid morning there. Her fears were confirmed though, they weren't there. Her mother could be anywhere, her father at work. That were her sole contact on Earth right now. No one else in her family even had a communications terminal. So she tried elsewhere, Sellen was also unavailable, as was T'Rell. She didn't know where anyone else was. The people she knew of the ship, she couldn't. Feeling completely lost, completely alone she broke down. Biting her lip so hard it started to bleed, tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Normally she didn't cry, she wouldn't let herself whatever happened. It was rude to cry in front of people and a weakness to do so alone. Sitting in the almost dark, shaking while she tried to stop herself. She couldn't find anyone, it was late. Her mind wasn't even remotely straight, she sent a message to Doctor White's nessage box. It read simply, "Is you're door open?" If he was asleep he wouldn't answer, he had offered to see her any time the door was open. But she had no real idea of what times that would be. With nothing else to occupy her, Kiri's mind was a dark place. She sat waiting for a reply.

At 0300 hrs, Brayden was awake, sitting in a chair with his PADD to watch Donald Zimm snore. It seemed impossible that such a loud noise could come out of such a relatively small man. He thought about recording the sound as proof that Donald really ought to allow him to inspect his nose and throat. Maybe he could just get close enough to look while the man slept there. He'd been about to stand up and try to check the guy's mouth out when the message came through. "I'll meet you there," he replied, threw on pants and a shirt, and headed up to deck 3.

Somewhat surprised that there was any sort of answer Kiri stood up in a flash. Her eyes still streaming she ran barefoot into the bathroom to wash her face. Now she had a goal, something else to focus on rather than the feelings inside her. She got dressed just as quickly, her uniform neatly folded and still perfectly maintained. Hair left loose for the first time since coming to the ship she walked quickly, trying very hard not to think at all. Something strange for her, eyes puffy and red, sucking on her lower lip while it still bled a little. Running into no one else she went directly to the councillors office, not being able to press the door chime, not even sure if he was there yet.

Brayden exited the turbo lift and came around the corner just as she arrived at his door. Full, spic and span uniform - maybe she was on Gamma tonight, he wondered. Her hair was down, her eyes red, her expression pained. He touched the pad beside the doors to open them and ushered her gently inside and to the couch, carefully not showing anything but neutral concern, as he grabbed a box of tissues and set them within her reach, taking a seat beside her. "Okay, Kiri, tell me what's going on," he encouraged her.

Being led inside was easy, even taking a seat. But she hadn't allowed herself to think of anything to actually say when she got here. Even when she called home, her friends, she had no idea what to talk about. She just wanted to talk to someone, vainly hope that they would make everything better by doing so. Now there was someone that wanted to listen, her voice was very quiet, choked, "I've been thinking about what, we talked about." She closed her eyes in an attempt to drain them. Not that it helped, giving any thought about the subject made it worse. Vocalising pain wasn't something she had done since she was a child, "It. Hurts." Clenching her eyes tight before opening them again. In a way she blamed the man in front of her. She was fine until he made her think about it. Question everything about her life.

He watched her, concerned. "What hurts, Kiri?" he asked, worried that her pain might be physical as well as emotional. Or emotional because of the physical. He thought through their last conversation. She'd been upset, lonely, they'd talked about improving her socialization skills... nothing that should have warranted a reaction like this. Unless it was a reaction to something she hadn't yet shared with him.

It was hard enough to vocalise physical pain without looking for her. So how was she meant to phrase something that wasn't even real. Something that was only in her mind? Physical things she could at least have fixed. Kiri did pause before answering, feeling useless and regretful, "I, on the inside. I don't," Did it have a name, yes but it was much stronger than she was used to, "I'm lonely, I'm stupid and I'm, a bad person." Negative things that had been sat heavy on her for days now. Saying them made her was to throw up, to just disappear.

"Kiri," he said seriously. "Kiri, look at me. You are not a bad person. And you are not stupid. You're a Starfleet officer. You're arguably one of the most intelligent, morally conscious people in the universe. I need you to tell me where this is coming from."

Kiri found it hard to look at him but did so, she had put this together reading the texts, finding an answer she didn't like, "I'm a good officer," Her whole body shaking, "But a bad person. I thought I was right, that I was fine. I was just scared, so I did this to myself, because I'm weak. I don't want to be on my own." By nature Kiri wasn't a loner, it was just what she forced herself to become. Everyone else seemed to make socialising easy now she looked. She resented it, jealous that she couldn't find it so. That she didn't seem to have any of the skills she wanted. That made her feel guilty and hate it even more. Now she found herself somewhere where the only way out seemed so far away and painful she was too scared to face it. Scared that she might just turn away from it forever.

"It's all right to be scared. That's a part of living. Everyone is scared of different things. There's no shame in that." Brayden held her gaze calmly. He needed to keep her here, in the present, in active conversation, because clearly whatever was happening in her head wasn't helping her. "You're not alone. I'm right here. What did you do to yourself?"

She tried to gulp down her emotions, she just wanted an answer, that wasn't possible however much she wanted, an answer she liked at least. So she tried to explain, "I chose to shut out everything other than work, I chose not to make friends or know how. Now I don't think I can, I tried." Admitting more failure, it was getting harder for her to maintain any sort of control.

"Kiri," he used her name to gently root her in the moment. "It takes time to forge relationships with people. And usually it takes a bit of work too. You say you tried - that's a great thing. That means you're putting yourself out there again. The you part, not just the officer part. That is a huge first step. You should be proud of that. Could you tell me how you tried?"

With deep breaths she did her best to talk normally, a spot of blood appearing on her lip, "I talked to Master Warrant Officer Peers when we worked together, I don't know if she likes me any more. And I talked a little to Chief Petty Officer Willis but I don't know. I also don't think Lieutenant Junior Grade Barel thinks very much of me, she didn't think very much of my social skills when she talked to me." The ships XO had praised piloting her skills a few hours ago but that was work related. It didn't really count, to her it seemed as if she had a three for three failure rate. Before friends found her, and she accepted them at once without question, she had never tried to do it for herself before. It really did feel to her that she couldn't do it.

She really had been reaching out, he thought. Was it a result of desperately wanting to connect? Or her driven methodology of setting and completing goals? Either way. These were the individuals she had elected to forge friendships with. He didn't know Willis; he'd been cleared by Drusilla before he'd even come on board. And Barel, he hadn't met yet. She was on his docket for later that day. "Which of them would you like to talk about first?"

Kiri was confused by this but she was hardly thinking straight in the first place, she was unsure that they would want her to talk about them with someone else. She didn't like the idea of them talking about her, right now though she would do anything to be around someone. Placing her hands between her knees she answered, "I don't know, I guess I talked to Lieutenant Barel first." There wasn't a whole lot to tell though, all she had done was talk a little.

"Okay," he said gently. "So when you say she didn't think much of your social skills, what makes you think that?"

Kiri felt ashamed and looked away from him, "She said I had a solitary personality, she also left without talking about some of the things I thought she would." Talking about it made it seem more bearable, or was it that she was talking to anyone at all? Her head was hurting, her cheeks were starting to go red.

Brayden ran a hand through his hair. A solitary personality? What did that even mean? And Lieutenant Barel was Kiri's CO, wasn't she? He searched his memory for her face, but came up empty. It was hard for him to keep people straight for long if he hadn't actually met them. It didn't matter. Her job was to keep her department productive, not to go around telling people they were loners. What had she hoped to accomplish with that? "What did you say when she told you that?"

Kiri thought hard, she didn't like speaking like this about people after all, "I tried to explain that I struggle with people, that I didn't like being alone. Then she said to let her know if I needed anything and left. I didn't think I could say anything." Kiri had thought that her commanding officer would have had more to say to her about her work. In the end to her it seemed that she just didn't want to be around her. Leaving as fast as she could.

"It sounds to me like you were quite brave," he said. "You communicated with her. You told her where you were coming from. You were honest. You stuck it out. These are all good things. Have you spoken to her since then?"

Kiri shook her head, "No I haven't, I haven't even seen her other than when I am on the bridge." Somehow she was starting to be a little less upset, still she did feel very negative. On the bridge there wasn't much time to talk. Still if her CO wanted to talk to her, there was nothing stopping her, unless she was too busy.

"So tell me about her. What's she like? What is it about her that makes you want to befriend her?"

This question was also counter to what she saw in the reality around her, "She was there, so I tried, I guess she likes mathematics, but I didn't know that until after." Her stance lowered before she looked up, "What makes you like people?" Kiri didn't really dislike anyone on a personal level, at least she didn't think so, not any more.

Brayden considered the question, braiding his fingers together and lightly tapping his thumbs against one another. "I like different people for different reasons," he said thoughtfully. "You, for instance, I like because you say what you mean. You're unflinchingly honest and straight-forward, which are two very different things and both are rare. I also like you because you have a soft heart and a very sensitive nature. You remind me a little of my daughter, actually. You feel things very deeply. It's not easy, feeling like that, but it makes you stronger over time. Being honest with yourself. Being honest with others. You had a lot of gifts before you ever set foot in the Academy, Kiri."

Kiri's jaw dropped a little, he liked her. No one had said that about her, it was exactly the sort of thing she had been looking for. She looked startled, not having much of a clue what to say or do relating to that. The rest was positive, she knew she had good qualities, but that other people did as well? That he understood her, it was nice. Her eyes dried properly for the first time. Still, was she honest? She'd spent a long time, lying to herself that she was okay. She wouldn't say what she thought if people would be harmed by it, if it made them unhappy. That was being a nice person though, her voice levelled out, "Thank you for liking me," She looked very grateful to him, "But this situation is my fault, I can't, how can I fix it?" Asking for help wasn't something she did often, and rarely outright like this. She wanted to be able to do everything, this didn't seem to be one she ever could right now.

He shook his head, "You don't have to thank me for-" One thing at a time, he thought, and sighed through a smile, "Okay. You don't have to fix anything. You're not a broken probe; you're a person. So, you want to make friends. First of all, realizing that and taking steps to make it happen - that's impressive work. There's no fault to be had. You just need to figure out what kind of friends you want. What sort of people you want around you."

Well she felt broken, parts were missing. That allowed her to explain why things weren't working as well. That she hadn't learnt to do a lot of things she felt she should. Everyone else seemed better at it than her, then there was the answer to this question, "I don't know." She got along well with logical people that were easy to predict before. But that didn't rule out anything. The only thing she could really give was silly, still, "I just would like them to be nice." Making friends with anyone at this point was all she wanted, anything else was long term. Maybe.

"That is a good priority to go with," he agreed seriously. "So, the three people you tried connecting with so far. Were they nice people?"

Honestly? "I don't know. They didn't seem bad," But she had only spent a little time with them and all three had things she would question actually being good. Right now she had interacted with Brayden more than anyone. He seemed the least bad, he also said he liked her. It didn't seem like a bad idea, but she held onto it. Her eyes were still puffy but she wasn't shaking and seemed calmer, still she did look upset.

"Okay. So you think that Lieutenant Barel likes mathematics, you said? Do you like talking about math?"

Kiri had to go on a few years past but, "Yes, I do, it's nice to work with people on it." If she had to say she had a hobby outside of space phenomena it would be mathematics. Her friends Sellen and T'Rell would talk to her about it, all of their talk was normally about work though. Something the councillor's seemed to be against her talking about from their last meeting.

"Maybe you could try expressing your interest in the interest that you share, the next time you talk to her?" he suggested gently.

Frowning at herself Kiri looked at her fingers, "I thought I did," At least, she had said that she used it, that she regarded them was fundamental to the universe.

"That was good thinking," he encouraged her. "And then?"

Though she also expected there to be more after she said that she was also wrong, shaking her head she replied, "That was it, she left shortly after that." Did that mean she was right that her CO didn't like her?

It was possible that the woman simply hadn't understood what Kiri was trying to accomplish. Or she may have and simply wished not to fraternize with her subordinates. Equally possible, she might have seen the shy, awkward young woman and preferred not to befriend her. That wasn't the point though. "All right. I think in this case, the thing for you to focus on is that you had the confidence to reach out and talk to the Lieutenant about something that interested you both. If you're interested in pursuing a relationship with her, you should think about talking to her again. Try not to worry about what she may or may not be thinking about you. Just do what feels right. You've got a sensitive heart; listen to it, but remind it that you're brave. Does that make sense?"

The likelihood was that she would be interacting with her CO again, still. She worried a lot about that now, how to change the impression she felt there was. But was doing what she felt was right really the answer? When she did things they were normally based in fact and theories. It wasn't in her character to do what she felt like, much more to do what she thought she should do. That was different right? Trying to consider everything he said Kiri remained silent for a while before answering, "I, think it does, I don't know if I can though." Kiri was generally completely terrible at working out what she wanted for herself.

"You never know until you try," he told her. He was glad to see she seemed to be thinking clearly, breathing evenly, the tears had stopped. He smiled. "If it helps, I think that you can. I believe you're far more capable than you think."

Kiri sucked on her lip again, tasting the blood. Maybe his confidence was misplaced, "I think, it is much easier to talk to you than other people." That didn't really make sense to her, but he was the only one to show real interest in her. Was that important in being able to talk to people? He was trained to talk to people and it was his job. That question was coming back again, he said he liked her, that she was good at all these things, "What things do you like?" She disliked being intrusive without him inviting her to ask, but wasn't that what he was saying for her to do?

Brayden fished a tissue from the box and offered it to her. "If you keep biting that, it won't stop bleeding," he told her. She needed to reach out to the people around her, not form an attachment to him. it was a tricky line to walk. "I like a variety of different things. But this isn't about me. This is for you. So tell me what sorts of things you like. Have you had a chance to work on that list we talked about yet?"

That was four for four. She knew that lips tended not to stop bleeding very easily, she had bitten them before. Still she took the tissue and used it to hide the lower half of her face. All the nice things he said, he didn't want to spend time with her outside of his job. He was being nice because he had to, not because he wanted to. It hurt. Her breathing shadow again as she skirted the edge of tears again she mumbled into the tissue, "A little, I like mathematical puzzles, Stargazing, um." She stopped and clenched her eyes shut again, struggling not to let her voice break again, "That's all I can think of." She was going to start crying again, it was stupid, she didn't want to. Why couldn't all her feelings be locked up like a Vulcan?

-----

LT JG (Pr) Brayden White Ph.D.
Counselor
USS Galileo

ENS Kiri Cho
Science Officer/Sensor Specialist
USS Galileo

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