Her Darkest Night (Part 2 of 3)

Posted on 09 Jun 2012 @ 2:59am by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant JG Brayden White Ph.D.
Edited on on 11 Jun 2012 @ 6:04pm

3,261 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD07 - 0430 hrs

[ON]

She was crumbling again. "Kiri, eyes open. Eyes open. Look at me, Kiri. That's a start. Math puzzles and stargazing. You've got time to think of more things you like. There's no rush. Talk to me; what are you thinking about right now?"

Following orders was something she was good at, so she did so. Looking at him while trying to hold back what threatened to burst over her facial muscles. Did she tell the truth or something else, "I, that you don't want to be my friend either. Even though know me better than anyone else on the ship." It wasn't his fault he didn't like her, she didn't want him to feel bad. But, she clenched her eyes shut again as a stray tear escaped.

Brayden fought a wince, "Kiri, it's not that I don't want to be your friend. But I also have a responsibility to take a step back and look at what's best for you over time, not just right now. I'm here for you, to support you and advise you and be a friend to you, but it's important that you reach out to other people too. And that's what I'm trying to help you to do. Can you understand that?"

Well that made sense but, why couldn't both happen? It was like there was a hole in the thought process she was going through with what he said, "No," Kiri took a deep breath. Her sides shook as she tried to explain, "I will," Even if it was just pretending, wasn't that better than nothing? "But, everyone just, it hurts now." There was a tear from the other eye now as she looked away and stuffed the tissue into it. Feeling ashamed and quite powerless to control herself. It made no sense to her that he couldn't be her friend and still help her to do things, that being friends stopped him from doing his job. That he was just trying to find reasons not to, she wasn't being fair to him. She had to stop, she had to stop being like this right now.

"You have to express your feelings, Kiri, or I can't help you." He offered her another tissue. "We have to be honest with each other. As honest and straight-forward as can be. Okay? I know it hurts right now, we're working on helping that not happen so much. So tell me what's going on in that brain of yours."

Somewhere she found something, made out of guilt and shame that let her push down hard on her feelings. Bound and gagged she stuffed them away, drying her eyes and swallowing the lump in her throat. Kiri didn't want him to feel guilty for not liking her, she would just have to try and go back to the way she was before. That was fine, it worked and no one got hurt. Should she just leave? She didn't want to, she felt she should. At the impasse she did what he said, what did her heart say? What did her brain say? Her expression became extremely tight, her teeth clenched for a moment. She didn't know most of these feelings very well. Her mind was a mess, what was the answer he wanted? "I," She didn't feel like talking about it any more, rather it felt too painful. The pause without saying anything longer than a syllable dragged on, her face relaxed a little and her mask came back. If anything though she felt worse than before.

"Kiri." He watched as her face seemed to change, growing tight and hard. Wrong way, he thought, wrong way. "Kiri," he searched her face, "I'm listening. You what?"

Looking at him, Kiri's eyes seemed extremely sad still, even if her face didn't really match it. "I don't think I am strong enough to do this, it's okay." She gave a small fake smile and placed her hands in her lap. It wasn't likely she could keep this act up very long, but there didn't seem much choice. The only route he seemed to be offering her was one that was more painful than the state she found herself in when she came. While what she expected of everyone was unreasonable, it was what she wanted. Anything less than that just didn't seem enough.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, sitting on the coffee table directly in front of her. "You've made an extraordinary amount of progress in just a couple of days."

Not really able to look at him she replied, "It doesn't seem that way to me." As far as actual progress went, she had completely failed on four counts as far as she could tell. Why couldn't someone tell her they liked her and mean it? That they wanted to spend time with her, the way she wanted to spend time with them.

"That's why you've got me, sitting here on the objective perspective," he told her. "You're doing great. But, you know, relationships take time to build. They don't just happen overnight. Not usually anyway."

That was one of the things that Kiri didn't understand. She liked just about everyone, she wanted to make friends and was open to doing so almost instantly. Other people didn't seem to be, at least from her experience of the last few days. Since they all seemed to be normal, that meant she was doing things wrong. If what he was saying was right, it didn't help at all, "I don't have the time," Her voice quite calm. None of what he said did anything towards actually improving the feelings inside her. She wanted to talk to someone, to feel that they cared about her. Any sense of that from him was now fogged with rejection since he didn't want that relationship with her, neither did anyone else. She wanted that now, not weeks and months away. The pain was inside her now, ever since he let it out and it seemed to be getting worse.

"What makes you say that?" he asked. He'd taken the wrong track with her, he realized. She'd seemed shy, lonely, but there was something else here in the way her emotions zig-zagged through extremes that was more than simple loneliness. There was a childlike naivete in the way that she saw other people and herself; a black and white world view where there was work and friends and those things just were or were not without shades of gray or time between. A step missing. And in that missing step hid something much darker.

She was starting to struggle again, "There is a hole inside me, it feels like it is getting bigger. I know it needs other people to fix it, it's going to get worse if it takes time. It hurt so much, I didn't have anywhere else to go," Kiri looked at him with her mask starting to crack. Still feeling that she was doing something shameful.

Brayden rested his forearms on his knees, opening his hands palms up in front of her if she felt the need to take hold. "You have people, Kiri. All around you. And you're in relationship with all of those people in different ways. But forging a bond of friendship takes time and trust from both parties. I can't make those bonds happen for you; I wish that I could. What I can do is try to help you communicate your needs to others better, which should help you. Right here, right now, you are communicating very clearly and that is a huge step forward. And I am here for you, always, no matter what. Not because it's my job," he added before she could throw that at him again. "Because of you. We are going to find a way through this."

It was extremely clear now that the answer she wanted, that she felt she needed was impossible. That other people wouldn't allow it. Her social development level, was that of a child. She had less experience and apparently expected too much from other people. It didn't make sense to her still, it hurt and she was tired. Her entire outlook on socialising was wrong, that was terrible. Right now everything felt terrible. Kiri remained silent, her face scrunching up as tears rolled down her cheeks. The slightly bloody tissue scrubbed at one side after the other. It wasn't fair. She wanted not to hurt, she wanted friends, why couldn't it be easier?

He gently took the bloody tissue from her hands and replaced it with a clean one, then rested one hand on her shoulder for comfort and contact. She wasn't listening right now, so speaking wouldn't help, but he could remind her that she wasn't alone.

It was almost a full minute before Kiri was able to stop herself, shaking and sobbing with her eyes clenched tight shut. It took several deep shaky breaths before she relaxed even slightly. Placing her hands in her lap with big puffy eyes and a dry throat she gave the councillor a very weak smile, "Sorry." Her head bowed and stayed down looking at her knees. The only facts she had in front of her right now was that she felt a certain way, that what she wanted wasn't possible. Her mode of thinking was wrong, she didn't know how to change that. There was also another thing, though she wasn't a very physical person. And the only person that had ever done so was her mother, she wanted a hug. Something more than the weight that pushed on her shoulder. Not something she could ask for.

"No need for apologies in here," he told her, squeezing her shoulder gently. "Here," he grabbed a pitcher from the table beside them and poured a glass of water, easing it into her hands, and then tugged a blanket from where it was folded over the back of the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders, maintaining contact through the whole endeavor.

It had been a very long time since her mother had done this to her. A long time ago though she taught herself never to look upset in front of her, despite their close relationship. She didn't want to be a burden, but was in no state to resist. It was comforting, it was nice. It was almost what she wanted. She was tried, it still hurt. Still with that fake smile she spoke softly, "Thank you." Still she looked rather unhappy.

Brayden watched her closely; actively engaged and listening. Her smile was obviously fake. He'd have been more concerned if it weren't. She'd had enough of an emotional roller coaster so far. The question was why she felt the need to fake it. Was she trying to convince herself of her own resilience? Make herself feel better? Or was it about putting on a performance, trying to erase what had just happened? He breathed when she breathed, exhaled when she exhaled, sympathetically slowing the pattern to something natural and rhythmic.

Consciously Kiri didn't pick up on the breathing, though it did work a little. What she noticed was that he wasn't saying anything, that still made her think that meant that she should. Scanning her thoughts for anything, trying to put what just happened deep in a box with other painful things, she picked something. Taking a sip of the water she tried to keep the mask up, "I think number three is soft spoken Klingon songs, and maybe Earth folk songs."That would be what he was looking for still right? That list of things he wanted her to come up with?

"Number three?" he asked quietly.

Solemnly nodding her head Kiri was slightly puzzled, "The list of activities I like doing, maybe cooking as well," Her voice was still not back to normal. What she was trying to do right now was defend herself, to get away from the torrent that had burst out of her. To pretend that things were okay, she didn't like dealing with problems she felt she couldn't solve.

"Soft spoken Klingon songs, hm?" he repeated. He had to let her be in control of where they went. She was too suggestible to be forced back to the heart of the issue just now. "I've never heard any of those. What are they like?"

Well she hadn't encountered many people that had, it was something she had found at the academy, in her extra lessons. Looking at him now she answered, "Klingon songs, tend to be loud, bombastic, I don't really enjoy them. The themes can be quite, mystical, based on epic tales. Though some musicians perform quieter pieces, or choral, the same words, said a different way." She actually knew some but never considered actually singing since she was little.

"Do you know any?" he asked. "Maybe you could give me an example?"

He had said he didn't want that kind of relationship with her, that he couldn't make friends with her. Was that changing or was this part of the list? Flummoxed she replied, "I could bring one up from my personal database if you want."

"If you like," he told her, allowing her to decide how she wanted to proceed.

Standing up she walked to one of the wall terminals and after a few button presses a female voice started to sing out from around them, "Dugh ghawran, quv'ne tlhIngan choltaH vo', betleH Daq ghop," Each word was soft, drawn out and quite pleasant to Kiri's ears at least. Adjusting the volume down slightly she moved to take her seat again, waiting for him to say something.

He listened to the song, impressed. He'd only ever heard one Klingon song before and it had been passionate, but massive. This was almost sad. Or plaintive, the way the guttural language was drawn out. "What is it about this song in particular that resonates with you?" he asked, interested.

This answer came easy enough, "It was the first one I listened to, when I found it I looked for more." She didn't really want to comment on the song itself, she didn't know what she liked about it really? It was just nice to listen to, the idea of a young warrior walking across the horizon to do battle with impossible odds and being victorious didn't really feel that relatable to her.

He nodded, listening for another few bars. "It's unexpected, isn't it. You think of the Klingons, you don't think of this kind of... loneliness. I'm sure they have it, but it's usually not something you feel as viscerally."

She hadn't gotten to speak with anyone like this, ever. It was nice, again things were starting to feel better, "I don't think it is very lonely, I mean he is alone, but it is meant to be glorious. If other warriors were involved it would detract from the grandeur," Kiri was speaking more from knowing what was said rather than the melody.

So that was what it was about. The singer was doing a great job conveying the sense of the story. He couldn't understand a word of it, but the feeling was there. "How would having the aid of the other warriors take away from the glory?"

Finding herself getting lost in conversation let her forget some of her problems, "It's a theme, if there were two warriors then the greatness of the deed would he halved. While there are songs of battles, those of actual warriors tend to be singular, even if there were others there, their part is not important. It's about telling the warriors story in this case, they only slightly reflect reality of course. At least I think so." While many Klingons were strong warriors, they were unlikely to kill a hundred foes unaided with just their blade.

"A theme of solitary glory," he mused. "What sorts of Terran folk songs do you like? You said you'd choose Klingon songs or Earth folk songs."

"It varies, most though are older Chinese ones, my grandmother sings them, my mother used to when I was little," That one hurt again, right now she was feeling pretty homesick. Her face blanked for a moment while she thought about home, before giving him another small smile.

"I've never heard a Chinese song; maybe you could sing a few bars?"

Kiri was a little shocked, no one had asked for that before. She had sung in school with other students, that was it, she had never done it for someone. There was little reason not to though, was there? Looking slightly uncomfortable while she tried to think of what to do she said, "You would have to turn off your translator," Taking off her own combadge she held down on a tiny switch on the rear for a few seconds before placing it back. Thinking of all these songs that reminded her of home was hard.

"Oh, I never leave it on, actually. Only turn it on when I have to," he slowly drew his hand back from where it had been resting on her arm, letting her disengage her com badge and ready herself.

Surprised at that Kiri took a deep breath, "Zhin bei hao le ma," Squinting slightly she adjusted her brain, "Ready?" She always spoke in Mandarin, thanks to the universal translator, it didn't matter. English was always her second language, she thought in Chinese. With the go ahead from him she started, softly and slightly out of tune, "Ru guo liu lang shi ni de tian fu, na me ni yi ding shi wo zui mei de zhui zhu" She trailed off looking a little embarrassed. Her English was much stiffer than her normal way of speaking, "I have not done that in a long while."

"That's all right. Would you like to go on?"

It stirred up a lot of memories of home, it wasn't quite where she wanted to be going. Kiri shook her head, putting her combadge back to it's normal state and sliding into Mandarin again. Soft again she replied, "I'm sorry, I don't think I can right now, maybe another time?" Again, lamenting was starting to creep into her tone.

"Sure," he agreed with a small smile. "Maybe you could tell me about the song instead of singing it?"

Why did the song matter so much? Regardless she acquested, "It a love song about travelling, worrying about seeing your lover and your home again." She lifted her hand to stifle a yawn before it happened, her jaw still tensed.

It was a nice sentiment and, he gauged, it hit very close to home for her. As did her other selection. A lot of homesickness was on this ship and they'd only just begun. Kiri had quite literally just begun, not even a week away from Earth and she was already aching. Then again, there was a lot more at work in her than mere homesickness and loneliness he was discovering, the clearer a picture he got of her. Who, he wondered, was performing the exit psych evaluations on Academy graduates? Or looking in on them at all during Academy? It was maddening that she'd gotten to this point at all. "I look forward to hearing the rest," he said quietly. "Another time." She was exhausted, poor thing. He wondered if he should let her just sleep here for a little while.

-----

LT JG (Pr) Brayden White Ph.D.
Counselor
USS Galileo

ENS Kiri Cho
Science Officer/Sensor Specialist
USS Galileo

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