In Search of Peace of Mind

Posted on 02 Apr 2016 @ 8:44pm by Lieutenant JG Noah Khoroushi & Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Edited on on 07 Apr 2016 @ 7:09pm

4,337 words; about a 22 minute read

Mission: Episode 10 - Symposium
Location: USS Galileo - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 24 - 0800

[ON]

The morning following his Medical exam, Noah was feeling slightly better about matters in general. in part, he reasoned it had to do with the medication the CMO had provided for his headache - if anything, it had at least eased the physical strain still lingering from the journey over. There wasn't much even modern medicine could do about family-induced anxiety. To that end, Noah had challenged himself to return to regular journaling - tracking his physical status and, if the counselor required, his mental and emotional as well.

To that thought, he was on his way to the ship to undergo the prerequisite Counselor's evaluation. Admittedly, he wasn't quite as anxious regarding this one, as Noah felt he had a fairly good grasp on his mental health. Yasmin notwithstanding, he had come to terms with his injuries fairly quickly, and sought only to achieve the physical stamina required for a return to active duty. As he had achieved that, all should be well.

Making his way on board, he took the nearest lift to the proper deck before heading to the Counselor's Office.

Dru was standing by the closed door inside of her office. Life was so complicated and complex right now that she was even uncertain how she had ended up here. Between Kohl the day before and the baby and Markum...life was so complicated and upsetting right now that she didn't know what to think.

Opening the door, the counsellor moved to step back outside before a movement caught her eye. A person wasn't what she needed to see right now but she didn't seem to have a choice in the matter, "Hello?"

It was a brief wait before the door opened, then Noah rose to meet the woman who came out to greet him. She was somber in appearance, and a glance down revealed a delicate bump just beginning to round her slender form. "Good day," Noah offered a smile. "Ah ... Lieutenant, Junior Grade, Noah Khoroushi. I'm here for my appointment?"

Dru hesitated for a moment, it was on the tip of her tongue to suggest that he came back later but at the same time the woman recognised that she was the counsellor on duty...what standard would she set for the others if she didn't do her own job properly and sufficiently? "Noah...what can I do for you today?"

Noah frowned. "Is this a bad time, Ma'am?" He had just told her he was here for his scheduled appointment, but she seemed distracted and - if he wasn't mistaken - upset.

Dru found herself hesitating again before finally shaking her head a little and managing a small smile. "Not at all. I apologise if I seem a little...out of it, my mind was elsewhere a few moments ago."

He breathed an internal sigh of relief and smiled again. "That's good." At her invitation, he stepped inside and took the seat offered. "I like to get these preliminaries over as soon as possible, so they don't fall in the middle of more important things that may hit your department later on." Admittedly, he might have preferred having this put off indefinitely, but he wasn't going to quibble if she was making the invitation to him now.

It helped that the man seemed upbeat and positive, it allowed Dru a focus as she forced herself to park everything else going on in her life. Hell it might do her the world of good to immerse herself in work and other people's lives.

Following the officer back into her office, the counsellor indicated for him to take a seat before moving to the replicator, "Can I get you anything? I must admit, it's unusual to meet a person who is forthright with getting things done rather than continuously putting them off."

Noah offered a wry smile to that. "Just water, please. And I like to keep things in order. Putting it off today just means I still have to do it later ... and perhaps at a less convenient hour for anyone." He accepted the glass with a murmured thanks.

Moving into her own seat, Dru's fingers ever so briefly touched her abdomen before she managed to get herself settle. "When you need to put two people together you generally find it difficult to find a single time which is convient for both parties. Lucky when it comes to counsellors, we have a tendency to have the ability to make time available when needed; it's in the job description."

Which, of course, made Counseling one of the most underrated departments in the Fleet. It was a fact Noah recognized more often than not and appreciated ... except when he was the one dangling on the end of the proverbial hook. "Well ... ah, it's best I not take up too much of your time. As I said, this is just a pre-requisite. Getting my official intake exams before officially checking in for duty."

Dru laughed easily at the man's words as she studied him more closely. "How about you tell me how your finding your new assignment? Have you had your first shift yet?"

Noah shook his head. "Not yet. I've just come on to the station a few days ago and am working on adjusting to the concept of being in active duty again. It's been almost two years since my last assignment. That, and I don't think my superior is due back for some weeks yet, so it will be some time before I can get with her on my specific duties. I'll probably just help out with things until then."

"Two years, that's a very long time to be away from duties. How are you finding the mere thought of getting back on the horse so to say?" Dru sat back in her seat.

"Interesting." He offered her a sheepish grin. "I would have returned sooner if the doctors would have allowed me. And then it was a matter of finding the appropriate ship. I'm glad to be back, though. I don't enjoy the shore life."

Indicating for the man to give her a brief moment, Dru grabbed a nearby PADD as she requested his file and started to scan through the medical information; painting a better picture of what Noah spoke about. "My apologies....I like to try get to know a person before reading their file but in some instances, such as this it can have a pie in the face result." The counsellor smiled as she looked back up at the man, "It hasn't been an easy two years for you at all has it?"

He paused, giving her time to scan the details, and felt a twinge of anxiety prick at the back of his mind. Noah pressed the feelings down and willed a smile back into place when the woman's attention returned to him. "The first half at least." There had been a time there when the doctors had expressed serious doubts about him walking again at all without a prosthetic. Noah had fought that decision; some days he questioned his logic, but he was still whole, all things considered.

The man had gone from being chatty to five word sentences, this set off alarm bells in Dru's head as she read over the psych element of his recovery. "I believe from a physiological aspect they were happy with how you were coping and left it in your hands as to if you felt you would need any further help?"

"Something like that," Noah offered a wry laugh. "I mean, I was shook up from the accident, but I was alive and there were more important things to focus on than what had happened. It made more sense to commit myself to recovery. If anything, it helped get past things."

"I believe from the reports that at times you still experience side effects from your injuries? Your head? Also...your leg?" Dru gave the barest of descriptions in order to encourage the officer to fill in the blanks and give her his own picture of his situation.

He bowed his head, peering for a moment at his hands as they rested in his lap. "The first few months are still pretty foggy," He admitted after a while. "From what I pieced together, I was caught in the main explosion on the Bridge, and then pinned under debris until relief came and began clearing up."

Dru set back in her chair as she watched the man, setting the PADD to one side as she waited a moment before gently pressing him on. "That couldn't have been easy. Did anyone ever tell you how much time had passed between you being pinned and rescued?"

He had never been told; Noah had sought out the information himself once he'd recovered enough to start piecing together what he remembered. "Seven hours passed from the initial attack to the arrival of the Raven, and then another four hours to work their way through the ship to the bridge."

Dru held back the wince as she could only imagine the situation which Noah had found himself in. "What was going through your mind at the time?"

"Not a lot." Noah laughed, shaking his head. "At least, I don't think so. Honestly, I can't remember much of anything past the initial attack. Things went pretty fast and then ..." He shrugged. "I was in and out - mostly out until I woke up in the station infirmary."

One word had jumped out at Dru when she'd read the report on the officer's initial state upon being found, shock. Shock did dangerous things to a mind when it was trying to process and understand things which had happened both mentally and physically during the course of an accident. Not noticing the passing of time and forgetting elements of what had happened were all characteristic of mental effects which Noah was describing. "Sometimes it's our minds way of coping with tramatic events; to block out what happened from our memories. How did you feel when you initially awake in the infirmary?"

She had caught him off guard earlier, but Noah had a grip on himself again. "Groggy at first. It took a while to figure out where I was right off, but I had it sorted out before the first night was over."

Dru took a moment as she tried to analyse the situation, she wasn't certain if Noah was being deliberately vague in order to hide the truth or if this was a genuine coping mechanism. "It must have been scary, for all intensive purposes your records indicate that your injuries were quite substantial."

He inclined his head. "It was ... unsettling, to say the least." He wished she would stop treading on the same ground. He'd expressed that he'd been disoriented upon waking up, that he'd had an extended period of recovery ... he was here now, wasn't he? "I was relieved to be alive."

"I believe that you have a fairly big family when you take into account yur extended family also. How did they all cope with the situation when they learned how badly injured you were?" Dru tried to switch for a moment, keeping the focus on what had happened but moving away from the officer for a moment.

This was not going well. Noah resisted the urge to tap his foot in irritation. "My father understood, and my mother ... managed. My elder sisters heard later, I think. Yasmin was the only one who seemed truly affected. Ah ... I think part of her wanting to tag along with me is because she's still worried." Granted, he hadn't really told them the full extent of his injuries. Only that the ship had been badly damaged and he had suffered some injuries. As an adult, his medical records were locked unless he released them, and he had given his family no reason to inquire further. "My family is predominately female. I mean no disrespect, but they have always tended to worry more than necessary in my experience."

Dru's fingers ever so lightly touched her abdomen before pulling away to settle against her knee. "Have the females in your family always been worries through out the years or was their reactions surprising?"

That was easier to handle. "I wouldn't call them worriers. Just ... emotional? I don't know if it just because I am related to them, or if it is a cultural thing. My mother is French - she's a good deal more accepting of life in general, but my sisters are half Persian and tend to make a fuss over the smallest things."

"The description of your Mum seems to contradict her reaction to when you got injured. It seems to me that perhaps they care more for you and what happens to you then maybe you realise?" Dru knew she thread dangerous ground but Noah needed some probing to get beneath his surface, one she was beginning to realise had been locked tight for perhaps too long.

He grimaced. "I DID say that my mother handled things better. It's just ... I knew what I was getting into when I signed on as an officer. I was willing to take the risk then and I am still willing now." Noah sighed. "I don't see how my family's reaction to my situation has any bearing on my mental well-being."

Dru studied the man carefully as she weighted up weather or not she needed to soften her words. She didn't feel that it would work here, that Noah would just keep attempting to run circles around her. "Because your families reaction gives me an insight into what you are not telling me. A mother's instinct is something which, time and time again we see, works better than any of us realise. If she was worried more than normal, there was a very good reason."

"My family," Noah said as clearly and calmly as he could manage. "Is well meaning, but they really have nothing to worry about. I have recovered enough from my injuries to meet the requirements for active duty. I am not suffering any indecision or ... I honestly don't know what you are looking for here, Counselor, but I am of sound mind."

"What makes you believe that you are of sound mind?" Dru challenged his words no further than that, allowing him to fill in the blanks.

"What reason do you have to think I am not?" The irritation in his voice warned Noah that he was losing control again. "I know the signs of distress and shock and whatever else comes of traumatic situations. Believe me, I did the research during my convalescence. I worked with the counselors on the station and they had no concerns for my mental well being. I am not in denial of what happened, but I know that it was severe and if my family knew the full extent of what happened, they would resist my ever joining a ship again. Never mind that it was a wholly random incident."

"You researched...can you tell me what your research thought you?" Dru's tone never wavered from soft and gentle, although her words were challenging she didn't wish for Noah to feel that he needed to be on his guard. She was getting to the root of the problem and she feared that it was going to be bigger than she had initially figured. Someone who had been through what the officer had would always incur emotional and physiological scars; to bury them as deep as he had meant that at some stage they would eventually explode.

Noah's lips pressed into a firm line as he focused on breathing deep and evenly. "Of course, Counselor. It taught me that at worst case I could expect a traumatic backlash of emotions from the event. Except, that I didn't. I mourned my lost crew mates, focused on my rehabilitation, and moved on with my life." At least he thought he had, until this prim woman entered and seemed determined to undermine all the progress he had made to this point.

"Did you ever take your research further in order to understand why it was that you didn't suffer a traumatic backlash of emotions if it is something which is expected to happen? Why didn't it happen to you?" Dru pulled her legs up under her her as she watched Noah, continue to prod the barriers he insisted on erecting.

"Because, as I told you, I am not compromised." Noah sounded the words out with the most infinitesimal of biting tones to his voice. "Perhaps because I have no unsettled emotions regarding the event?"

"And is that typical of who you are? Are you a person who is normally able to separate themselves from any situation, good or bad, in which they find themselves and the emotions it brings with it?" Dru refused to allow herself to be thrown off course by Noah's approach.

There was an extended moment of silence as Noah sought to look anywhere BUT at the woman perched oh so neatly before him. If he were perfectly honest with himself right now, he would admit he was seething with anger - which was a highly rare occurrence for him. He was not one for strong emotions - had never been easily affected. Even after the Thisbe he'd remained calm and rational. It had to be his family, though why this time he would be affected, he couldn't say. "You're the professional, then," he offered after a moment, his voice cold. "Why don't you tell me?"

"I think you are lying to yourself...your trying to lock what happened into a box and ignore that what happened was a reality, a reality which you need to deal with to be able to truly move on with life." Dru was direct and to the point, her voice never once wavering as she kept her eyes on Noah. "I think you build an illusion about being a certain way when it's far from the truth and do you know how I know...because you sit infront of me right now angry that i'm digging into the past...a past you claim to feel no emotions from, a past you claim to be able to separate experiences and emotions from the other but yet there's one emotion you can't seem to separate...anger at remembering and being forced to remember."

"I'm not used to people doubting me," Noah responded simply. "I would be just as irritated if you doubted my love of my family, or my work ethic."

"I'm not doubting you...I'm doubting the handling of the situation once you were recovered from the scene and why you were left to read books instead of encouraged to talk to someone." Dru didn't falter as her eyes still never left Noah.

His resolve was beginning to falter; perhaps, in part, because of her implication that residual issues would have no bearing on his duty fitness, though Noah had considerable doubts regarding that. Still ... "Perhaps," he offered, his tone was not quite as brittle as it had been seconds before. "Because I did not present as demanding of a case. There were others more ... markedly affected and in greater need of attention." And, the simple expedient that - as time passed - the initial counselors had rotated out and the new ones were unaware of his nebulous status. As no notations had been made, no concerns were raised.

"Noah..." Taking her legs out from under her, putting her feet back on the floor; Dru leaned forward a little, somewhat bridging the distance between her and him. "....you need a brace to walk and your inner ear is so badly effected that sometimes you have issues with balance...what in your mind warrants others to be more important than you? No matter how big or small a persons issue, every individual has the right to the same level of care."

His mouth opened, then closed as Noah's mind twisted around the question. The answer which made its way up to the surface was not one he really wanted to voice, but it proved stronger than his own sense of will. "Because I was the only one capable of walking away from the bridge - brace or no."

And with those words Dru recognised that Noah was finally opening up. "That doesn't make you any less important Noah...you matter to your family, your friends and you will come to matter to your new colleagues here on the Galileo. It's ok to just step back and process your emotions and feelings about what happened, it makes you no less of the person you are right now."

"Not when the base counseling department has its hands full with their own crew and an extra couple dozen wounded officers." Noah shook his head. "And there truly is nothing to process."

It took everything that she had to not let out aloud groan and put her face in her hands. Noah had been doing so well. "Well I guess that if there's nothing to process, then there's no necessity for you to be here? Physically you've been signed off."

That was a loaded question, and one he was sure to answer wrong, as this woman seemed bound and determined pry his mind apart for her own viewing pleasure. "That ... would be your question to answer."

"Before this you seemed very sure and certain of the fact that psychologically you were unaffected by what had happened, have you changed your mind?" Dru tilted her just slightly to one side as she queried Noah's reply.

Noah released a breath. "I know what I believe, but it seems to me that you do not agree; so the choice is not so much mine to make here."

"But yet you admit that your beliefs are built on the foundations of your own research and also individuals who were unable to give you their complete and undivided attention?" Dru rested her forearms against the tops of her legs as she leaned forward just a little more; clasping her hands together.

Silence; what was he to say? What could he say? "I didn't want to talk." The words were barely audible. "There was ... Little opportunity in the first months, and by the time the dust had settled I had everything packed away and did not want the ..." He wanted to say mess, as that fit so well. "The chaos of pulling it all back into the open. I was managing." Noah met the woman's eyes. "I am managing. Some days not as ... As tidily as others, but who is perfect?"

"Working through everything you have boxed away doesn't have to disrupt your life on an astronomical leave. If you let me help, we can go through it but by bit at a pace which you dictate. It might be somewhat difficult but you won't be on your own." Dru kept and maintained the eye contact, knowing how important it was that Noah take that tiny step towards trusting her.

What were his options? While he was fairly certain he could continue on his present course indefinitely, there was that small voice at the back of his head which suggested her offer was more than sensible. His greatest fear - well, one of them anyway - was that he would be put back into holding, as it were, until he effectively processed everything. As the base counselors had seemed content to let his facade pose as reality, Noah had continued. After all, getting back into active duty would give his mind other things to focus on and eventually the Thisbe would become a thing of the distant past.

Yasmin upset that logic, however. Every time he thought of his sister being here - on a ship that had faced trouble in the past and could likely find itself in like circumstances at anytime - the past seemed less and less removed. "Not today," Noah offered at last. Closing his eyes, he rubbed the bridge of his nose. It was less effective than his temples, but relieved some of the pain at least.

Dru said nothing for a moment, giving Noah the space he seemed to need as his body language screamed defeat but the exhaustion of his words screamed that he'd reached mental fatigue. "I'm ok with that...how about you come to me when your ready? I won't even give you a deadline...I'll leave it with you. I'm available twenty four seven so anytime you feel is right, contact me."

"Very well." Noah let out a breath, his shoulders sagging. "I will do that." He glanced up and again noted the slight rounding of her middle. His sisters had taught him long ago to NEVER question a woman's maternal status, but he couldn't help but notice the small gestures she made almost unconsciously. "Would you mind if I asked how far along you are?"

An emotion flickered through Dru's eyes as briefly her hand moved to her abdomen. The emotion seemed to be a mix of sadness and apprehension. For the brief time they'd been together she had forgotten her own big decision in life which she had still to make. "Ah...I'm not sure...just shy of three months?"

Noah offered her a weary smile. "Well, then. I hope it is a healthy pregnancy for you." He rose carefully to his feet. "I should be going, though. Ah ... I will come back soon. I ... just need time to think."

Hesitating a moment more as she tried to regroup, Dru moved to her feet before offering a small smile. "It's ok...take the time you need and remember reach out anytime you feel it's right for you."

[OFF]

LTJG Noah Khoroushi
Assistant Operations Chief
USS Galileo

Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

RSS Feed