Woe Is Me

Posted on 14 Feb 2016 @ 9:35pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Lieutenant JG Cyrin Xanth

3,726 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 10 - Symposium
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 2, Mess Hall
Timeline: MD06, 1420 Hours

[ON]

The plate of grakizh, a Trill yellow-leaf salad, rested before Cyrin at the table he sat at alone, looking as if it had hardly been touched. The pot of coffee, however, had been refilled twice already, and a new and freshly steaming cup had been poured. The scientist's fork pushed around some of the vegetables, as he'd been doing for the last five minutes, though with the distant expression on Cyrin's face it wasn't likely he was even aware of what he was doing. There was a sense of melancholy around the young man, though not something really dark and broody, no threatening storm. Rather, he just seemed very introspective and perhaps a bit sad. So, another normal day for the Astrometric Department's bumbling scientist, nothing really new there.

Something always was troubling Cyrin; anxiety was a way of life for him and most of his ship mates who knew him had probably gotten used to that by now. If it wasn't worrying about trying to impress his superiors it was worrying over something he'd done, or said, or didn't do, or didn't say, and so on, until he'd worked himself up into a nervous wreck. The caffeine probably didn't help much either. Being able to focus his mind on work and the strange sciences that governed the nature of the universe came in handy, but that same obsessive focus turned on to other parts of his life was likely his biggest weakness.

"This isn't doing you any favors, Cyrin. "

The sudden words broke through to the Trill's mind as Oren crept up on him like a ghost. As he slid Cyrin's coffee to the other side of the table and replaced it with a tall glass of some kind of fruit juice, the pallid scientist joined him by slipping into the opposite seat. He didn't look much better than the astrometrics officer, with dark circles appearing more prominent in his pale cheeks and the wide swooped collar of his sweater making it look like the fabric had swallowed him whole.

"Hey, I-" Cyrin had started to protest when his coffee was taken, surprise on his face and in his tone with no rancor, but closed his mouth and pondered the offered replacement for a moment. With a shake of his head, and no further resistance, he wrapped a hand around the glass that held the fruit juice though did not lift it to drink yet. First he turned all that focus on the one who had joined him, finally pulling his attention away from himself. Grey eyes studied Oren's features for a long, silent moment, taking note of the bruised flesh beneath the other's eyes, the clothing that Oren seemed to be hiding in.

What was there to say? So many of them had just been through an ordeal like they never would have expected, something harsh and visceral and violent. Cyrin saw in Oren's face the very things he'd been thinking about, and shuddered.

"You um..." Cyrin paused, cleared his throat roughly, obviously trying to find something to say. Finally, pathetically, he came out with, "How is uh, Landi?"

Surprisingly, Oren's eyes suddenly glazed over with unshed tears. He sniffed. "I don't know..." he almost sobbed into his coffee. Cyrin mentioning his pet suddenly brought a wave of regret and pain as Oren realised that, in all his selfishness he'd barely taken any time to really check up on the poor animal beyond feeding her. "I'm a terrible person."

The Trill looked stunned by the response, sat back in his chair, and lowered his eyes. He would have never have guessed that such a seemingly innocuous question would have provoked such a response. This was most distressing. "No, no, Oren, you're not a uh...terrible p-person. You uh..." Cyrin tried to figure out something to do, or say, anything to make his friend feel better, but seeing all the grief and hurt in Oren's face made him feel it as well. Cyrin's throat grew tight, and his jaw clenched hard as he fought back his own wave of emotion. That was the only display Cyrin gave, save for his eyes which grew haunted and blinked rapidly.

After what must have been an awkward moment for the both of them, wrapped up in the throes of what they'd endured, Cyrin cleared his throat again and asked, "Did you w-w-want to uh...you know, um...t-talk about it?"

Breath hitching, Oren reached for Cyrin's napkin and covered his eyes and nose with it, hoping to stop any tears before they properly began. Blushing in embarrassment, Oren hesitated before lowering the napkin and facing Cyrin again.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, shaking his head. "It's just...I haven't been feeling well since before this whole thing and I guess going into the MU was...what's that expression? A straw that broke camel's back?" Oren wasn't sure what a camel was, but he certainly knew how one felt at that moment.

Cyrin blinked, thought he figured out the expression, and nodded, "I understand. You uh...muh-mentioned a couple of um...well, you know, those things th-that you were uh..." Cyrin paused, breathed deeply, tried to get his words untangled, but in rushing it came out worse, "Th-there w-was the um, with Ellsw-w-worth. And then y-you s-said, later, in th-the lab, y-you know, about m-messing things up and..." Cyrin made a frustrated sound as he cut off again, took a sip of the juice Oren had brought him, and grimaced.

When he started up again, he spoke more slowly and carefully. "I know a l-little b-bit. About before. But what h-happned to you when we w-were over there? Can I help" Now it was Cyrin's turn to look and sound guilty, as he'd been too wrapped up in his own problems to have reached out to his friend to see if Oren was alright, like he knew he should have as soon as they were free.

Oren shook his head again, taking a sip of Cyrin's coffee cup. "No, you can't really help. I...I was interrogated. The man...it was Lamar and he..." Oren's face looked disgusted. "He kissed me...and groped me." With a shudder, Oren took another sip of coffee. Just saying the words made him want to take another shower.

"Oh."

There was really nothing at all he could say or do to make this better. Cyrin's mind seemed numb now; confused, angry, shocked, and completely at a loss as to why, it was all beyond his comprehension. That people could be so cruel was one of the biggest parts of it, but that it was Oren who had to suffer...Cyrin's friend, maybe and probably his only one, was far too gentle and kind to be a victim of such things. Oren was sort of on a pedestal in Cyrin's mind, maybe greater than he really was, and the thought of Oren being harmed was enough to make him want to punch someone. It was enough to make him feel ill.

"I'm sorry, Oren. B-but w-we're gone from th-there now. Its over."

A fresh wave of tears came over Oren once more and he looked down at the coffee cup in his hands. It didn't feel over, and he told Cyrin as much. He could still feel Lamar's hands on him, like an oily stain you couldn't wash out, just laying there, along with the shame of what he'd done. That felt like a constant, no matter Ellsworth's words that sometimes you had to do things you wish you hadn't. Though they were said sweetly, Oren didn't believe them for a second.

"Maybe it would've been better if he'd just beaten me up."

For a moment, Cyrin looked like he was about to get up out of his chair to go hug Oren. He even started to push his seat back, half-lifted himself from it, but then he realised that that might have been the worst thing he could do. It seemed like Oren felt horrible because of the physical aspects, so touching him could make things worse. Cyrin lowered himself back into his chair, hoping the move went unnoticed, and instead offered what little support he might be able to through his expression and words.

There was real affection there, nothing romantic or desirous or hedonistic. Cyrin didn't even know when Oren had begun to mean so much to him, but the fact was that he cared for the El-Aurian more than he'd cared for anyone in a long time. "Nothing could h-have made such a b-bad situation anything else, Oren," he said quietly, leaning across the table so his voice wouldn't carry to any of the others in the mess hall. He had to control his voice as he spoke; though Cyrin's own interrogation had been rough, it also hadn't lasted long. There was little that he knew of interest, being a junior officer. "One k-kind of abuse sw-switched with another isn't l-logical. You w-w-were hurt, and its wrong no m-matter what. "

Frowing deeply, Oren continued to stare at his coffee cup, wondering he should tell Cyrin the entire truth of what had happened between him and Lamar, how any abuse that happened was his own idea, if not his doing. Biting his lip, he looked up and saw the look in Cyrin's eyes, the compassion there, and decided his friend deserved better. Oren didn't deserve his sympathies.

"I...I did it," he managed softly, trying to maintain the eye contact.

It was Cyrin who broke that gaze after a moment. There was something that he saw in Oren's eyes that he didn't understand, didn't like. He couldn't identify the emotions there. Was it anger? Hate? Sorrow? Cyrin studied the table top, his voice quiet, "What do you mean, Oren?" Somehow, he knew one thing though: that he wasn't going to like the answer.

Swallowing hard, Oren tried several times, in different ways, to begin to explain, but couldn't find the right words. Or, in reality, the words that would make it seem like what he did was fine. But even he knew there were no words like that.

"I kissed him first..." his voice was low, and only Cyrin could just barely hear him.

It was a terrible thought, a scary realization, at least at first. Cyrin knew how Oren felt about some things, about some people. Well, maybe really just one person in particular. He figured that this mess must involve Ellsworth too somehow, maybe with Oren feeling guilty. That made a certain kind of sense, but his brain went in a different direction. "You were doing what you had to in a bad situation," Cyrin let out, sounding far too sure to be honest about it. He was making excuses for Oren, wanting to convince himself, and Cyrin lifted his head with a half-smile. "I bet you figured out how it would keep you and information you had safe, maybe gave you an advantage. I wish I'd thought of something like that myself..." He reached up to touch a cheek where his bruise had only just been healed in remembrance.

Oren's eyes welled up with tears as Cyrin spoke once again, and he still couldn't look him directly in the eye. Swallowing back a sob, Oren nodded. "No, you don't," he said firmly. That much he was certain of. The very idea of Cyrin having to do what Oren did to keep himself safe was unbearable. Cyrin was so sweet, so delicate. Oren knew he wouldn't be able to deal with the aftermath. He wasn't sure he was dealing with them very well either, and it definitely wasn't the first time he'd done something of that nature for the sake of surviving something.

"He was...he hit me, and then he was choking me. I didn't know what to do. It seemed like the only way to get him to stop. I felt it...I felt that weakness in him and I exploited it," he revealed, reaching up and wiping away his tears with the wide sleeve of his sweater. "It was a smart thing to do...but," he sniffed, shaking his head.

The stark emotions Oren was displaying were so disturbing that Cyrin couldn't help but glance around the mess hall to see what sort of attention they'd drawn to themselves. A few of their fellow crewmen looked away hurriedly, abashedly, but there was no smugness or superiority about them. Enough of the crew had had a rough time, and they were fellow officers, that they understood. Cyrin wished he did.

"Oren, I'm sorry," he said again, and reached across the table to pat the back of one of the El Aurian's hands gently. Cyrin left his hand there for the time being, wishing he could somehow make it alright, knowing that he was not up to the task. How horrible it felt to know your friend was in pain and you were helpless to save them. How even more horrible Oren must feel! "It w-was what you had to do, but that, uh, that doesn't m-make it any easier. R-right?"

Cyrin didn't know how right he was, Oren thought as he shook his head in reply. "I don't know why I feel like this," he admitted, sounding defeated. "It was the smart thing to do. I mean, look at me," he said with a slight tone of distaste. "I'm small, I couldn't fight him off. I used the only resources I had and....I still feel terrible about it. I feel disgusting and I know I shouldn't.

"I told Ellsworth about it," Oren continued, turning his hand over and holding Cyrin's. The casual intimacy was unexpected but Oren was eternally grateful for it. It meant more than Cyrin could imagine. "He agreed it was the only thing I could do."

"So what are you g-going to do about it?" Cyrin asked, like often going for a logical resolution to things. At least, that's how he liked to think of himself, but of course it wasn't always the case. It had taken him years to finally agree he needed to head back to Trill after all. "I mean y-you can't stay upset forever. And if n-no one uh, uh, blames you, th-then sh-shouldn't it be easier?"

"Well it isn't," Oren said, his voice almost snapping at Cyrin. Although he knew, in an objective sense, his feelings were irrational, but if there was one thing he learned in his long life it was that feelings were rarely rational. Oren were, most certainly, not an objective person, no matter his scientific background. He couldn't fathom why it was so difficult for people to understand his predicament. Although he felt confused by his reaction, the more time passed, the more he realise there was really no confusion at all, only disgust with himself. He hated the feeling of someone groping him and kissing him the way Lamar had. Especially if it was someone he had no relationship with. The very feeling of skin on skin felt revolting and when he thought too much on it, Oren felt sick to his stomach.

This was one area that Cyrin really wouldn't understand, though he certainly tried to put himself in Oren's shoes. He had far less experience in the things that troubled his friend, and though he cared he was also not able to follow all the way. Cyrin still hadn't figured out his own desires and dislikes, after all. Instead, he offered what he had, and being optimistic for Oren helped him feel a little more positive for himself, "Things will get better now, Oren, you'll see. With shore leave coming up that means there's gonna be plenty of time to sort th-things out too. I know I'll be taking advantage of that."

"Maybe," Oren allowed, looking down at his cup. Sighing, he decided to try and put the conversation behind them. After all, it wasn't like he was doing either of them any favors. He would simply need to handle it himself. Instead, he decided to turn the conversation towards his friend.

"What do you have planned?"

"I'm going home," Cyrin said without as much happiness behind that as one might have expected. He shifted awkwardly on his seat for a moment, then decided this conversation was easier too. That didn't mean he didn't stop thinking about how he could help Oren though, and his mind kept trying to sort his friend's issue out in the back of his mind. "It's been a long time since I was on Trill, and I have things there I need to uh, take care of. When were you last home, Oren?"

Oren shrugged, but started to feel a bit cagey with the conversation and attention back on him. He'd been hoping they were past it.

"I never really went back to Bajor since I left at 16. It doesn't really feel like home," he explained with a shrug. He decided to ommit the fact that he had been back to pick up his parents remains. The idea of it would just serve as a reminder of the fact that the remains were long gone now, after their pass through the breach. Another in a long list of things Oren's mistakes.

Guilelessly, unaware of Oren's discomfort, Cyrin asked, "Is h-home where Ellsworth is?" He'd heard that line before, probably in some sappy holodrama.

It was fortunate Oren had only brought the drink to his lips and wasn't in the process of swallowing it. Othewise, the two of them would have quite the mess on their hands. "What?" Oren asked incredulously, looking at Cyrin with a face carrying an expression close to disgust at the phrase. "No! Of course not. I love Ellsworth but...no," he said, shaking his head at Cyrin for even suggesting such a thing. "I just...I don't really have a place I can call home. Home is wherever I am at the moment, I guess."

Cyrin had turned a bright shade of scarlet at Oren's reaction and certainly avoided making eye contact, "Oh, I uh, I s-see. S-sorry. I j-j-just thought uh...n-nevermind." There was a long period of silence during which the Trill shifted with obvious discomfort, wondering what to say or do. He supposed that if Oren was aghast at least it might be better than Oren on the verge of tears, but he still wanted to make things better than that. "Have you um...ever been to Trill before?"

"Only once," Oren admitted, still a little shaken by Cyrin's sappy comment.

"It was work related. I had to go to a conference but it was years ago and I only stayed there for a few hours after that. When are you going back?" he asked, suddenly remembering he wanted to ask Cyrin an important question.

"I was planning a camping trip, and I wanted to ask you to come."

At that, Cyrin seemed to perk up some, "Camping? Where? That sounds like it could be fun." He shook his head slightly, "I'll be leaving soon after we get to Sector 001, and probably gone for a month and a half after that. I wouldn't want to ask you to wait so long - unless you weren't planning on going until later on during shore leave?"

"Don't worry, I wasn't planning on it until just before we need to get to the Symposium. It would only last about a week, and I was thinking it could be on Earth, but when you mentioned it, maybe Bajor wouldn't be bad. It would be nice this time of year, from what I remember?"

"I've n-never been to Bajor before," Cyrin admitted, though he'd heard about the beauty of that planet during any time of year according to those who had visited. "I'd like to go. M-maybe I can figure out what I'm going to do about this c-con-conference." He was obviously none too happy about that; Cyrin was likely one of the last of the Science department people would guess that would get up in front of so many people and present something.

"Yeah," Oren nodded, happy that Cyrin liked the idea. He knew Ellsworth was a bit hesitant about it, so having more people around them excited would hopefully break any reservations he had. The more, the merrier, as the saying went.

"There's nothing like fresh air and nature to get the blood flowing. The nights are amazing there. The night sky is truly wonderful," he said, remembering the nights he spent stargazing as a child, lazing on a blanked and letting his mind wander as he watched the endless sky stretching above him.

"I'm sure you'll be inspired to present something amazing," he encouraged.

Cyrin nodded and smiled, still enthusiastic about the idea but his worries began to press in on him once again. "That sounds nice," he said quietly. The smile faltered, the Trill bowed his head, and pushed some of the remaining grakizh around on his plate. After the ordeals this crew had gone through, they needed this shore leave, he was certain, but Cyrin felt a little guilty; he hoped that Oren would recover, worried about him more than the others. Did that make him a bad person?

With a sigh, Cyrin took hold of his plate and turned his grey-eyed attention back to the El Aurian. Still nothing new had occurred to him to say, something to make things better. "I...need to get ready for my shift," Cyrin settled with, trying to sound more light hearted than he really was. "See you later?"

Oren replied with a tightlipped smile and a nod, unsure what to add and letting Cyrin escape their awkward little exchange. He knew Cyrin had the best intentions and genuinely wanted to make Oren feel better, but he also knew it was a lost cause. There was very little that could actually cheer Oren up once he got into one of his moods.

"Sure," he said after a moment, not wanting to leave his response as non-verbal only. "I'll let you know exactly when the camping trip will be."

[OFF]

Ensign Cyrin Xanth
Astrophysicist/Cosmologist
USS Galileo

Lieutenant JG Idris Oren
Chief Research Officer
USS Galileo

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