Sweetheart, What Have You Done to Us?

Posted on 18 Jul 2015 @ 7:08pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

3,992 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 09 - Empires
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 2, 02-3216 SO (Grayson Jones' quarters)
Timeline: MD02, 1100hrs

[ON]

Nervously picking at his hair, Oren considered his appearance while trying to pretend he didn't care what Ellsworth thought about it. But still, making sure he looked good felt incredibly important at the time, as if proving to the Betazoid that he wasn't pining away would make him feel better. The fact that he was pining away was something he knew would fade with time and Oren considered this meeting with Ellsworth to be his first obstacle. Waking up to a message from the Betazoid that morning had been startling, with Oren having forgotten their agreement to meet completely (coming through a vortex and nearly dying had that effect). But once he'd gotten the message, Oren's general feeling of unease had amplified into a mild panic and he'd spent most of the morning nervously walking around Grayson's quarters, grooming himself and generally paying attention to detail that, when considered more closely, didn't matter.

Ellsworth had gone through a similar but significantly more complex routine in his own quarters, which achieved new heights of perfection given who he was going to be seeing today. He'd been prepping for it all morning, since 0700, making sure he was as close to flawless as he could be. It probably didn't matter to Oren, but he hoped he was observant. He hoped he would notice, if only to see how hard Ellsworth was working to impress him. And impressing him was suddenly more important than it had been before the ship had transitioned through the gravimetric disturbance. Oren's quarters had been trashed, and he'd moved in with Grayson. Ellsworth knew the engineer very well - intimately, even - and his reputation for flirtatiousness was well-earned. At the moment, in Ellsworth's mind, that made him competition.

But despite the lengths he'd gone to in order to try to be impressive he was, true to his word, late. Though only by five minutes, thanks to a stray hair that refused to lay properly and some ongoing repair work in the corridor. Now that he was here facing the door, he was suddenly nervous. Part of him wanting so badly to kiss Oren the moment he saw him and blubber between kisses about how stupid and foolish and inconsiderate he'd been, how much he wanted him back, how much he loved him, how much he trusted him - he'd gone through so much emotional turmoil, so much soul-searching, over the past few days that if he let it those thoughts could quickly dominate his mind.

Instead, he put on a more serious face as he pressed the door chime. Oren wouldn't be ready for that, and it wasn't fair to foist his own selfish desires on him. He'd done that before and it hadn't turned out very well so there was no reason to suspect it might be different now. No, this time things would be different. Much different. He'd pick up Landi, maybe throw Oren one flirtatious look, and then be off to the arboretum with his furry friend. Or... Maybe two. Yes, just two. No more than two flirtatious looks. Or, it should at least be kept under a dozen. After all, he was staying with one of the ship's playboys. Ellsworth could just imagine Grayson comforting the El Aurian, wrapping his arm around him and speaking to him in soothing tones and looking at him with those beautiful eyes and...and...spots.

To his credit, Oren didn't startle too much at the sound of the chime but felt panic begin to slowly rise in the pit of his stomach. Feeling ridiculous, Oren tried to push it down as he made his way to the door, pausing in front of it. For a brief, hilariously immature moment, he considered ignoring the door and going back to his little cocoon of blankets on the bed.

"Ugh," he scoffed at himself. Get it together, Oren. You're an adult.

He opened the door.

Ellsworth's serious look lasted all of a microsecond before his face softened considerably. Even his knees felt like they were dangerously close to giving out beneath him and letting his sagging body slump to the floor. He fought the instinct to reach out for Oren and instead kept his hands glued to his sides. But he wanted to reach out. He wanted to take his hand and run his fingers along the back of it like he used to do, recalling from memory every hair and imperfection as the finger passed over it.

Too much time had passed without anyone saying anything, but Ellsworth had met Oren's eyes and he was too lost there to notice. He'd never thought to miss someone so much and, within that absence, come to value them as he had Oren. It was like losing one's most favored possession, something so valuable and treasured that its loss came to overwhelm your everyday thoughts. There, in those thoughts, the thing became larger than life. It changed into something more valuable, more important, more beautiful, more significant as it took on new life in your imagination. And when you found it again... Sometimes, you realized it was just a thing, something you could have lived without. But sometimes - times like now, staring into Oren's green eyes - you realized that it wasn't a fantasy you'd been building but rather your mind had been discovering the true value of what you'd lost. It left you kicking yourself over how careless you'd been in ever letting go of something you now knew you didn't want to live without.

"Hi."

"Hi."

Barely any time passed between the two greetings, but in that empty, silent gap between them Oren felt a myriad of surprising emotions. The entire morning, he'd overthought this encounter, hypothesizing every possible reaction to it. Would he feel happy to see Ellsworth? Angry?

Those predicted possibilities slipped through that tiny gap as Oren finally laid eyes on him. A week ago, his image would have brought a big smile on Oren's face, his very presence enough to cause Oren to become giddy and happy, projecting him from where he stood and into the warm, loving embrace of Ellsworth's arms. Now, even less than a week later, his feelings upon seeing him were completely different. He didn't feel happiness, or anger as he stared into Ellsworth's eyes, his own finally resting there after giving him a once over. The emotions the image now inspired made sure the contact didn't remain intact for long. Now, the pristine image of Ellsworth only seemed to make Oren's chest clench, as if his ribcage instinctively contracted in the hopes of protecting it's beating contents and, for a split second, Oren hated that feeling.

He hated that Ellsworth, who used to make him feel light and significant now made the lingering pain and sadness reassert itself over him. He hated that his easy smiles and affectionate gaze was replaced with trepidation as he regarded Ellsworth in the doorway. He hated that the little bubble of affection in which Oren kept Ellsworth now felt tainted with what he'd done.

But in that split second when all of those hates pooled, Oren knew he felt no hate for Ellsworth himself, only sadness over what had transpired between them. It wasn't even about the final betrayal, and it had absolutely nothing to do with K'os anymore. Those feels had faded quickly from Oren as he had time to think, and now felt petty and insignificant. No, now when Oren looked into Ellsworth's eyes, he knew he didn't really care about the event with K'os. That felt resolved, both by K'os' explanation in the holodeck and by Oren's own considerations afterwards. That disappointment had faded quickly, but had instead forced Oren to really evaluate their relationship and those reflections had saddened him to the brink of depression. Now, when Oren looked into into Ellsworth's eyes, he didn't think of K'os', or Ellsworth sneaking away in the middle of the night and into K'os' arms.

The image that came to him when he looked at Ellsworth was the night in the holodeck, himself slumped against the wall in tears, and Ellsworth assuring him of his affections, even going so far as to chastise him for being so presumptuous as to expect Ellsworth to treat him like others treated him. Ellsworth telling him he was different than the others, that Oren didn't have to run away, and that he cared for him.

In light of the events that followed days later, Oren now came to regard that exchange differently. Now, what he'd once thought of as intimate and meaningful to him was taken away and replaced by an event in which he picked over every word and realised it had just been noise. What had, in that moment touched Oren's soul and made him feel better had been nothing more than noise that, to Ellsworth, ultimately meant nothing beyond a bridge in the conversation with which he could move on to something he wanted.

That was why, after a moment of eye contact, Oren had to look away.

Ellsworth seemed almost completely oblivious as he leaned to the side, trying to look around Oren for Landi. Well, and also any sign of Grayson-Oren mingling: clothes strewn on the floor together, the remnants of a shared meal, the Trill sprawled out completely naked on the couch. Not seeing the dog or signs of anything untoward, he righted himself again and looked at Oren, who seemed extremely distracted. The urge to reach out for him was still there, just as strong, but he felt like he had a better grip on it now that they'd been standing there a few minutes without anything completely disastrous happening.

"Were you working on something? Is Grayson home or something?" Ellsworth asked, awkwardly. "I can get her collar and leash and stuff if you're busy. With something."

"Um..." Blinking, Oren tried to focus back on the moment, looking back at Ellsworth. "No, I'm not working on anything, and Grayson isn't here" he explained slowly, wrapping his arms around his chest.

"I'll get her," he added. Finally, Oren turned his back to him and went over to Landi's spot near the made up couch. Leaning forward, he called her, his voice becoming softer.

"Come on, Landi," he said, tapping his thigh. The door behind him stayed open, allowing Ellsworth a clear view of Oren's new quarters.>>

The moment Oren turned around, Ellsworth seemed to collapse in on himself. The look in the El Aurian's expressive eyes had been brutal. Beyond brutal, really. He'd tried to prepare himself for moments like that, figuring they were going to be frequent for at least the first few times he saw him, but preparing yourself and actually enduring it were two different things. It was a lot easier to look at the printed picture of Oren he'd taped to the low ceiling above his bunk and imagine what the looks might be, rather than standing in front of him - in the corridor - receiving one in person.

He stared longingly at Oren's back as he walked away, recalling instantly every decorous detail of the expansive tattoo there, and then forced himself to tear his eyes away to look around the quarters. They seemed a lot nicer, given his new roommate's position, but Ellsworth caught himself ignoring that in favor of looking for signs of a third person. He didn't usually consider himself jealous, but everything was different when it came to Oren. If he'd only caught on to that sooner, realized that-... He stopped himself before continuing down that well-worn path of self-loathing and regret and instead focused back on looking around.

Some part of him wanted to see signs of Grayson - the wrong number of wine glasses or crumpled boxer-briefs in the doorway leading to the bedroom. It seemed like fitting punishment that Oren might have moved on with someone else. Worse, someone Ellsworth had already been with. It would have been painful, like a gravel-covered bootheel grinding into an open wound, though it would have at least been cathartic. But there was nothing. Just Oren and Landi and the tell-tale signs of the chief engineer.

"Look who's here," Oren just managed to say when Landi seemed to catch on and immediately ran passed her owner and towards Ellsworth. Crying loudly, he jumped on him, nuzzling his stomach as she tried to reach his face, tail wagging wildly. Despite himself, Oren smiled at the sight, righting himself again and making his way over.>>

Ellsworth let out a high-pitched squeal and wrapped his arms around Landi's neck, giving her some support as he played the game of trying to dodge her tongue. "There's my baby girl!" He buried his fingers deep in her fur and scratched around and under her collar. After a moment he found "the spot" and she dropped to her haunches on the deck plating, turning her head to the side and craning upwards to press the itchy spot into his hand. Eventually, her right back leg extended and began thumping rhythmically on the floor, causing Ellsworth to grin. "Oooo, that's the spot, yeah, so itchy, yes'm, she's such an itchy girl, yes she is. That's the good stuff, scratch, scratch, scratch."

After she seemed satisfied with the scratching the young Betazoid dropped to one knee, putting him at about eye level with Landi, and threw his arms back around her in a tight hug. He squeezed her close to him and whispered, "I missed you, big girl." His eyes swung upward to look at Oren, and he blushed a little bit before burying his face back into the dog's ear. "You wanna go to the park? Hmm? You wanna go to the park with Misser Ellsworth, hm? Says, 'yes, I do. Yes, I do.' Look at that big ol' tail..."

Watching the display before him, Oren found himself incredibly tempted to grab something and throw it at Ellsworth's head to break it up. For a moment, watching him be so affectionate, Oren forgot to pay attention to himself and felt something in his chest flutter and he couldn't have that. How dare Ellsworth act this way, he thought. How dare he look so put together and adorable, playing with Landi. And Landi, the traitor! He looked down at her, tail wagging back and forth on the floor as she soaked up every bit of love the Betazoid was showing her. It was disgusting...

But then, seeing Ellsworth look up at him and then down at the dog once again, Oren couldn't help but soften slightly, coming back to himself. Yes, he still felt angry at him, but the way he looked away brought back the feeling of sadness over their current situation. On another day, in another time, he knew they'd both be taking Landi to the Arboretum to watch her run around, terrorizing the ducks on the pond and digging things up.

"She missed you too," he said gently, kneeling down with them to run a hand over Landi's back.

While Oren's attention was momentarily on the dog, Ellsworth took the opportunity to watch him. He looked a little bit like he was glowing, some dumb trick of his mind, and it tugged at his heart. Landi helped him to look away by practically headbutting him, a not-so-subtle reminder that he'd said the word "park" and yet they still weren't going anywhere. Ellsworth grinned and reached over to take the leash from Oren.

As he did so, he went out of his way to make sure their fingers touched. It was the barest thing, hardly a graze, something that might naturally occur in the process of taking something from someone. But he'd definitely done it on purpose; he could stop himself from trying to hold Oren's hand, from pulling him into an embrace, from pressing their lips together, but he only had so much self-control and that was the limit of it. Besides, he hoped - probably in vain - that it might set off something in Oren, too, that it might remind him of other times their fingertips had brushed together, happier times.

"Okay, so, I'll bring her back in like an hour. Or two. I've got a lot of work to do going over the inventory - a lot of stuff got sucked out into space," Ellsworth grumbled, as he snapped the leash on to the collar. He stayed kneeling in front of Landi and scratched under her chin to give himself something to do and an excuse not to look at Oren while he spoke. "Um. Do you... Uh, do you want to come with us?" It sounded as stilted and awkward in reality as it had in his head, and he almost cringed. It was bad enough to make him rush into giving Oren an excuse. "I mean, if you're not busy. I know you've probably got a lot of work and stuff to do."

"I do," Oren replied quickly, too quickly for it to seem natural. Instead, it came out almost dismissive, as if to say Of course I'm busy! And if I'm not, then I wish I was just to have an excuse not to go with you. At least, that's how it sounded to Oren's own ears as he said it and instantly felt a flood of guilt. But he pushed it down, hoping Ellsworth hadn't caught it. Almost immediately, he felt strangely angry at himself. Was this what he would be now? Someone who just pushed his feelings down? Wasn't that what had caused all of his problems lately? Wasn't that one of the things he'd regretting during the breach, resting against Cyrin and waiting to suffocate?

He couldn't ignore the fact that Ellsworth's touch had both thrilled and angered him. The younger Betazoid didn't have the subtlety he no doubt hoped for and Oren was a man not easily fooled. He'd felt something soften and give in the pit of his stomach as Ellsworth's fingers brushed against his and Oren had fought the urge to reach out and take his hand. Still, he knew he couldn't and shouldn't do that anymore but for a moment, he couldn't quite figure out why he shouldn't do it; why he couldn't hold Ellsworth's hand and pull him forward to lace their fingers together. That feeling, that small moment of doubt, made Oren feel angry at himself. It had only been five days. Was his own resolve so weak? Did he have such a low opinion of himself and his feelings that he would give up on them so easily, just let Ellsworth in again?

"You don't have to hurry with Landi. She'll enjoy the time away. I...I haven't been very good company lately."

Oren wasn't sure why he said the last and tried his best not to overthink it as he focused on Ellsworth's hands, his long fingers wrapped around the green strap.

"I bet she understands, she's a good girl, yes, she is," Ellsworth said, trying to keep his focus on Landi. He beamed at her and took to scratching behind her ears again; anything, really, to keep from having to look at Oren, even if all he wanted to do was look at Oren. Looking at Oren wouldn't be good for either one of them - if he looked too long then it might make the El Aurian mad at him again. He tried to keep his voice light as he asked, "Are you feeling better? I mean, aside from your quarters and all that..."

It might have been a flippant or even inappropriate question if Ellsworth didn't want to know the truth so badly. He'd tried asking around the science department but no one could seem to give him a really definitive answer about their colleague's well-being. Now that he was feeling right in the head, mostly, he worried about it constantly. Oren had seemed to take things poorly, which anyone would have given the circumstances, but it seemed like it had affected him especially so. Cursed with the heightened emotions of his people, Ellsworth knew full well how it felt to be wounded deeply over something others considered minor, and that empathy served only to fuel his concern.

Oren swallowed hard to keep from answering this question in the same manner as the last. He looked down at his feet, then around the corridor, momentarily happy that no one had come by to overhear anything they said. He wasn't sure why, but privacy felt important to him and briefly he remembered that everything somehow felt private for Oren when he was with Ellsworth. Even now, when there wasn't even a hope for a them to speak of, Oren still felt their exchange as something strangely intimate, as if that little bubble he'd thought broken might still be there.

"I...I feel better about some things than others." His voice was a bit shaky as he said the words and Oren hoped Ellsworth wouldn't ask for any clarification. If he did, Oren wasn't sure he could reign in his response.

Ellsworth smiled a smile that was frank and open, conveying that he understood fully the meaning and shared in it. He stood up from his crouched position and tightened the leash in his hands, preparing to set off. "Yeah, I feel better about some things than others, too. I'm..." He looked up, directly at Oren, and though he felt like looking away he didn't. He held his eyes. He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to say he'd been through a lot, try to explain, gush about all his epiphanies and how central Oren was to all of them. But, he didn't. He couldn't. Not yet, the timing was wrong, and this wasn't something that could be rushed. "I'm gonna head down now. I'll bring her back plenty tired."

"And loaded with treats, no doubt," Oren added, returning the Betazoid's smile, almost shyly. The two seemed to linger in the doorway, both wanting and not wanting to separate.

For Oren's part, he struggled with whether or not to inquire about Ellsworth's health. He'd given the Betazoid a thorough examination and Oren thought he looked well. He looked healthy and a big part of Oren felt both relieved and frustrated with that knowledge, as if Ellsworth had no business looking as wonderful as he did while Oren was barely keeping himself together. Still, seeing Ellsworth looking well made Oren happy. No matter what happened between them, or how hurt he was, Oren couldn't imagine wishing any harm on Ellsworth.

"Well... Maybe not completely loaded," Ellsworth said with a grin, walking backwards down the corridor away from Oren. "Just half. Three-quarters! No more." His grin faded to a smile and his steps slowed as he watched Oren standing in the doorway. The look on his face was a loving one, an admiring one, and he knew it. It would probably make the El Aurian uncomfortable, but there was only so much he could do to control his feelings. Most of the time they felt like they'd come seeping out of his very pores so it was a minor miracle he'd been able to hold it together during the conversation.

Finally, the young Betazoid turned away, said something unintelligible to Landi, and then took off at a dead run with the dog close at his heels. Both of them leapt over and dodged around loose conduit, wiring and other not-so-subtle reminders about the state of the ship, reminders that clashed meaningfully with the jubilant almost juvenile laughter that echoed down the hall.

[OFF]

Lieutenant JG Oren Idris
Chief Research Officer
USS Galileo

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[PNPC Mott]

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