Love Letters You Can Never See

Posted on 18 May 2015 @ 12:41pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D.

3,725 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 4, Oren's Office & Deck 6, Operations office
Timeline: MD02, 1230hrs

[ON]

Ellsworth fidgeted at his work station. After his treatment in Sickbay, the clarity of his experience with Arandon, and the life-altering epiphanies thereafter, he'd been fighting the urge to contact Oren at least two or three times an hour. He could only stay so busy with paperwork and cargo manifests and the industrial replicator before thoughts of the El Aurian started seeping back to the forefront of his mind. But every time he reached for his combadge or the console, he hesitated, wavered, and ultimately decided against it.

What could he say in his defense? 'I had a telepathic addiction. I'm young, I'm stupid, and I made very bad decisions. Will you forgive me?' He reasoned it might be a good start - after all, they'd only been seeing each other for a short while before he ran back to K'os - but Oren seemed to have taken it particularly hard. He worried it wouldn't be enough, and so every time he'd withdrawn his hand.

Except this time. This time he sat himself in front of the console, activated the ship's internal system, located Oren and sent a message to his terminal:

PO3|EHudson: i know its not fair to say this kinda thing but i really miss the way you chew your food. its dumb but i do.

He waited for what seemed like an eternity but nothing came back. The message had definitely gone to Oren's terminal; the computer was very accurate with that kind of thing. That meant Oren just didn't respond. And why should he? The thought of it might have ordinarily made him depressed or cause him to cry but not now. Now Ellsworth raised his chin and set his jaw with determination. This wasn't about his own emotions or how the situation made him feel. It was about setting things right with Oren; he was doing this not for himself but for the person he'd hurt, so he'd just have to wait.

Or not.

PO3|EHudson: oren. im sorry ok. at least say something.

The message went without a reply for another fifteen minutes as, two decks up, Oren stared at his work console. He rocked in his chair as his chin rested on his hand, eyes fixed on the words in front of him. The way Ellsworth had reached out was unexpected and strangely subtle for the exuberant Betazoid. Oren had half expected the man to show up at his office, trying to act as if nothing had changed between them, which was something Oren couldn't predict his own reaction to. A part of him feared the probability of himself simply giving in, so that was a scenario he'd been particularly afraid of. This new approach, while surprising, was welcome and a small part of Oren he wished didn't exist felt proud of Ellsworth. Maybe he was learning that being too direct wasn't always a good thing.

Or he was simply too much of a coward to face Oren.

The content of the message itself was baffling, the written equivalent of the office scenario Oren feared. He misses the way I chew my food? What am I supposed to do with that? Before Ellsworth's deception was revealed, the two had often shared random, silly messages this exact way during their work shifts. Ellsworth's were more random thoughts, while Oren, the more restrained of the two of them, sent fewer messages, but they were usually strange and a little silly - office gossip, funny pictures, random scientific babble he knew Ellsworth would pretend to like etc.

But after the events of that night, Oren wondered about the motivations of such a message and that feeling alone made a lump form in his throat. Just as he was about to delete the message, another one popped up after it. This one made Oren's hand hesitate above the interface. Staring at Ellsworth's usual lazily written words, Oren's hand closed into a fist and he pulled it back, suddenly angry with the phrasing. Who was Ellsworth to demand Oren say anything? Objectively speaking, Oren didn't owe Ellsworth anything.

Slumping back against his chair, Oren wondered why he couldn't just be a person who saw things objectively. Or, at least, the kind of objective that didn't involve feelings on any kind. He could just say 'It's fine' to Ellsworth and be done with it. But no, all it took was a stupid message from the Betazoid, and Oren began to feel that treacherous fluttering in his stomach all over again, which soon turned into heaviness seeping through to his chest. He sighed, running his hand over his face and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he settled his hands against the console, wondering what he should say before he had time to reconsider saying anything at all. Writing something out, he deleted it immediately, sighing once again.

CSc|OIdris: You don't get to send messages like this to me anymore.

The reply came almost instantaneously, as if Ellsworth had been hovering over his computer console.

PO3|EHudson: i know im sorry i know its not right to you but i miss you and i want you to know ok

CSc|OIdris: You don't miss me, Ellsworth. You miss who you thought I was.

PO3|EHudson: i deserve that. youre right. but that was the old ellsworth and things are different now, i promise. i miss you for real reasons.

Oren sighed, skeptical. Though he kept the conversation going, he felt unsure of what his own motivations were. After the last few days, his emotions had settled and he'd seen that they were slightly exaggerated, at least his reaction to Ellsworth's actions if not the rest. They had simply served as a catalyst for a chain of emotions he hadn't been ready for and those were the feelings that made him feel heavy and tired. But underneath them, he knew that his feelings for Ellsworth, while ill advised, were still very much present. That was why the Betazoid's next message stung him.

PO3|EHudson: do you hate me

Closing his eyes briefly as his shoulders slumped, Oren swallowed the still present lump in his throat before replying.

CSc|OIdris: I told you, Ellsworth. No matter what you do, I could never hate you..

He hesitated for a moment before writing out the rest.

CSc|OIdris: That's why it hurt so much.

Ellsworth felt elated at the first message and then his heart sank after the second. At the very least there seemed to be some hope for salvaging their friendship, and that was a first start. He wanted to apologize, truly apologize. Above all he wanted to be able to show Oren that he was sorry, to spend time with him and show him that he'd changed. As much as he wanted to rush it, as much as he wanted to burst into Oren's quarters and cuddle up with him on the couch, he really did feel like things were different this time and that gave him the patience to set aside his own juvenile approach and defer to whatever made Oren more comfortable.

PO3|EHudson: i think i deserved it if you did. but nobody has ever treated me like you do. i was afraid you would hate me.
PO3|EHudson: im so sorry i hurt you oren. will you talk to me about it, i want to listen.

CSc|OIdris: No.

The reply was immediate and Oren felt a bit bad about how it might read on the other side, but the feeling didn't last long. Still, he continued.

CSc|OIdris: There is nothing to talk about. What happened, happened. I forgive you and I don't blame you for how I feel.

Ellsworth bit his lip and tried to think over a response. He recognized many of his own faults, and he knew he was bad at expressing himself through writing. Still, he sighed and made the effort as best he could, knowing full well that it was at best an awkward approximation of how he really felt.

PO3|EHudson: ok im glad you forgive me it makes me really happy. :) and i know we cant change the things that happened but i can try to make things up to you and be better to you. i meant i want to listen to you to learn how you feel because i dont know and i think its important so i should try to understand. i want to.
PO3|EHudson: please.

CSc|OIdris: What goal would that possibly accomplish, Ellsworth?

Up in his office, Oren felt confused by Ellsworth's words. He'd been ready to fall into a slightly awkward, avoidant relationship with him, painful as that would be for a time. Ellsworth insistence in making things right was unexpected and Oren wasn't sure how to react. He felt little waves of tension through his limbs and shifted in his seat from the rush of emotions and helplessness, still glad for the buffer of the console between them. The thought of Ellsworth actually seeing him so affected by it all felt overwhelming.

Ellsworth chewed on his lip rhythmically and tapped his fingers along the side of the console to give himself something to do other than crying. The difference in their speech and maturity and understanding made him anxious and worried that he'd never really be able to talk to Oren, that he'd always sound like just a stupid little emotionally stunted boy, but he pursed his lips and tried to make his best effort, for Oren. It came out in a myriad of disjointed run-on sentences but he hoped, possibly in vain, that it conveyed his feelings.

PO3|EHudson: i guess i thought if i understand how youre hurt then maybe i could know better how to try to help fix it cuz i really care about you and i want you to be happy and not sad or upset. i dont want to make any more mistakes and i dont want to hurt you anymore. i told you its different this time i dont want it to be like before where it was just like i want to cuddle you and stuff. i want to listen and know you better and that kind of thing so its real and its about you and us and not just all about me. i dont know what im saying. im trying. im not good at this. please dont make that one face you make where your forehead gets wrinkly.

As he read the last sentence, Oren immediately reached up to run his fingers over his slightly wrinkled forehead and shook his head. Feeling nearly exhausted, he leaned forward onto his elbows, burying his face in his hands and letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Making himself read Ellsworth's rambling messages several times, he agonised over his response. Part of him wished to pour his heart out to him, using the barrier between them to be completely honest, but the more rational side of his mind thought better of it, cautious and hesitant about revealing anything deeper about the inner workings of himself. Eventually, that side won over.

CSc|OIdris: You're doing fine, Ellsworth, and I appreciate your effort. Really. We all make mistakes, no matter who or what we are. My hurt will subside and I'll be okay eventually, but I don't think it's wise for there to be an "us". Not the way there could have been before all of this.

For a moment, Oren regretted his last sentence, but knew it was necessary to make it clear to Ellsworth (and maybe to himself too) that the idea of anything beyond friendship between them was no doubt destined to end in tragedy. They were simply too different, and Oren didn't think he could ever trust Ellsworth again the way he did before. He wondered if Ellsworth saw the irony of his request, wanting Oren to express himself, let him know how he felt when, days earlier, that same courtesy had been rewarded with disregard and betrayal.

Ellsworth read the message twice. He had to blink hard a few times to clear the tears out so he could see the screen properly, and a couple of times he was forced to choke back the crying. But he made it through without breaking down, much to his credit. They were difficult words to read. Of course it was beyond naive - perhaps bordering on outright stupidity - to think they would be able to be together again only a few short days after so much emotional trauma. The realization didn't make it any easier, but at least it was a first step toward acceptance, even if, in the depths of his heart, he held out hope for a different future.

PO3|EHudson: ok i understand
PO3|EHudson: can we be friends

CSc|OIdris: I don't know.

It wasn't the answer Ellsworth wanted and Oren knew that. But he also knew that it was the most honest answer he could give him because he wasn't sure of the answer himself. Could he and Ellsworth be friends after this? More precisely, could Oren once again see Ellsworth as just a friend, instead of all that he could have been? He didn't know. At the moment, he wasn't even sure of his own reaction to see Ellsworth in person, let alone share a room with him, just the two of them.

Ellsworth let his hands glide up and down the side of the console as he nervously worked over the response in his head. I don't know. Without being able to see Oren's face or get the slightest hint of his emotions there was so much missing from the conversation. Was it an uncertain admission? He wasn't sure if they could, but he was willing to take it easy and try? Or was it emotionless, flat, detached? Was he supposed to respond and show a willingness and hopefulness? A groan escaped his lips from all the thinking and his forehead hit the console. He let it rest there while he tried to think of something to say, leaving a long delay in response.

PO3|EHudson: ok thats fine maybe we can talk about it later
PO3|EHudson: it would be nice to see landi can i take her to the arboretum is that ok? you dont have to come i can just pick her up and i promise i wont feed her too many treats
PO3|EHudson: i miss her too

Oren didn't reply for a long time as he glanced to the side to watch Landi laying quietly in her little pet bed. Granted, Landi herself had outgrown it but Oren couldn't stand the weepy crying noise she made when he tried to replace it, so it stayed put. She was sleeping like a rock and Oren sighed. She did really love Ellsworth and he knew that. As much as he'd like to attribute it to the fact that the Betazoid snuck her treats whenever he thought Oren wasn't looking, he knew that it wasn't the whole truth. Ellsworth was as kind and gentle with her as Oren was and she often had a visibly difficult time choosing which one of them she wanted to cuddle up to. Usually, she just curled up between them, head on one lap, tail on the other.

Letting out a small noise of dejection, Oren turned back to the console.

CSc|OIdris: I think she would enjoy that. She misses you too.

Sitting back, Oren glanced between Landi and the console again. Despite not having a real reason for it, Oren still felt bad for saying he didn't know if he and Ellsworth could ever be friends again. It was the truth, but he mostly felt guilty for Ellsworth's sake. He knew, in some way, Ellsworth wasn't responsible for his actions, at least partially. Oren was even a little impressed he hadn't pulled the addiction card. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to be completely cold towards him, even though he would regret the small olive branch the next message might represent.

CSc|OIdris: And we both know you'll give her a treat every time she gives you those big puppy eyes.

Ellsworth smiled at the console. He wrote out at least four different messages in response, each of them some variation on mentioning Oren's puppy eyes, but he ended up deleting all of them because he couldn't get the wording right. They all sounded like something he'd say, of course, but they seemed heavy-handed. As much as he missed Oren's eyes, as much as he wanted to subtly flirt with him, it was too much too soon, and if he was truly turning over a new leaf then he reminded himself he needed to start paying attention to those things instead of saying whatever he wanted to say.

PO3|EHudson: you know its really hard to resist! shes so cute
PO3|EHudson: ok so can i come by this afternoon or tonight or should i come tomorrow just whatever you want

Nervous at the prospect of seeing Ellsworth so soon, Oren ran a hand through his hair, keeping it there as he stared at the screen.

CSc|OIdris: I work in the afternoons, so it would be best if you came by tomorrow morning, maybe around 1100?

PO3|EHudson: ill be there at 1055. im trying to be early for stuff cuz piet says its courteous or whatever. but, i might be late anyway. you know me.

Ellsworth's hands hovered over the keyboard displayed on the screen, shaking from... Well, he wasn't sure. Nervousness. Hormones. Withdrawal symptoms. Excitement. It could have been anything or a combination of all of them. Mostly, he wasn't sure what he wanted to say. Or, more precisely, he wasn't sure what to write. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to say he missed Oren. He wanted to say he thought about holding his hand all the time now, that he needed him in his life because of who he was. His fingers hovered over the screen, wobbling uncertainty, until finally he tapped out something he thought might be subtle enough for Oren to read between the lines.

PO3|EHudson: i cant wait to see landi im really excited ive missed her cuddles and kisses and dog breath a lot. thank you for letting me see her i dont have anybody furry to love on except father walker and you know how that is (haha)

The message had the right effect as Oren's eyes softened when he read the words. Despite wanting to remain distant, he chuckled at the image of Ellsworth trying to pull Father Walker onto the couch for cuddling as it popped up in his mind. Shaking his head with a smile still present on his face, Oren considered Ellworth's message. Even though he couldn't see him, he could tell Ellsworth was lonely, and that he was trying. Oren couldn't fault him for that and, no matter how much he tried to keep it in place, his heart went out to him. Loneliness, especially the kind one experienced surrounded by people, was the worst kind imaginable and Oren felt it often. He hated knowing someone else might be going through it, especially someone he cared so much about.

Not a very subtle person by nature, Oren worried about his reply, the feeling building as time went by. He didn't want Ellsworth to think he was ignoring him.

CSc|OIdris: I know exactly what you mean.

He knew the reply was maybe a little heavy handed, but Oren hoped Ellsworth would take it well, instead of feeling guilty. Not that Ellsworth didn't deserve to feel guilty, but Oren still felt terrible for inducing such a feeling in him.

PO3|EHudson: good, i thought so
PO3|EHudson: i probably should get back to work before lt dakar comes back and gets all grumpy klingon
PO3|EHudson: ill see you at 1100 ok?
PO3|EHudson: im very excited, like a whole lot
PO3|EHudson: dont tell her im coming so itll be a surprise

Oren let out a small huff, shaking his head at Ellsworth and giving Landi a side-glance.

CSc|OIdris: My lips are sealed. It will be our little secret.

PO3|EHudson: ok yeah our little secret
PO3|EHudson: tomorrow then, bye bye oren

Ellsworth smashed his hand down on the button to terminate the communication before he could type out anything stupid. He'd been on the verge of it for what seemed like the entire conversation; blurting out an 'i love you' or an 'i miss you' or 'i want to hold your hand' had been a near-constant danger. Somehow - miraculously, for it was truly nothing short of divine intervention - he'd managed to navigate through the conversation without being offensive, without being too heavy handed, and without saying the absolute wrong thing. He realized he'd been holding his breath for the past who knew how long and let it out in a great rush, feeling waves of anxiety go with it.

[OFF]

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

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