One Last Dance [part 2]

Posted on 31 Jan 2015 @ 12:36am by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

3,966 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: SB84 - Holosuite 06
Timeline: MD44 - 20.20hrs

Previously...

Minutes went by, and Ellsworth just stared at Oren. He could see tear-stained cheeks glistening in the dim light, and every once in awhile he thought he heard a little sob. It didn't take much to put himself in the other man's shoes, just a little shift of his mind where he dimmed his own feelings and heightened his perception of Oren's. The first sensation was like falling in absolute darkness. There was no light, no other person, no sense of any other matter around you, just an all pervasive loneliness brought on by decades behind you and centuries before you, stretching on endlessly and ceaselessly, an eternal imprisonment in one's own mind.

It was enough to take his breath away and make him pull his mind back.

And now the continuation..

Ellsworth's brow creased as he struggled to process it. It was one thing to feel it but another to understand it, and he was fairly certain he'd never truly be able to understand what it was like to be Oren Idris. For a few more moments he vacillated in making a decision, even though he knew in the back of his mind what the inevitable outcome would be. Slowly, he unfolded his legs, stood up, and crossed the room with natural grace before sliding down the wall to sit next to Oren.

Ellsworth leaned to the side until his head was resting on Oren's shoulder, then snaked his hand between their bodies until it met up with the other man's and he could comfortably intertwine their fingers. "I try to understand, because it's better than being angry at you. I don't want to be angry at you." He tightened his grip. "Be fair to me. You don't know that I'll be bored with you or sick of you or that I'll want you to go away, so it's not fair to me if you go away because of that. I know those things have happened, and I think maybe they will happen again. But, with other people." He chewed on his lip, groaned and fidgeted in place out of frustration. Sometimes it was so hard to say what you felt! "Just... Stop running away from me when all I want is for you to stay."

Oren's eyes were closed, but he didn't move his hand away or shake Ellsworth off of his shoulder. The touch had startled him momentarily, but the warmth of Ellsworth's cheek and hand made him feel more grounded. More connected.

"Ells," Oren said, resisting the urge to rest his head on the Betazoids. "I'm not running away from you. Sometimes, I just feel like I need to turn my mind off and do something else. See something else for a little while," he tried to explain and knew he failed as the words left his mouth.

"Sometimes..." He sniffed, reaching up with his free hand to wipe a tear away. "I think about Trills. They're so lucky." Oren's eyes were closed. "They die and then they turn into someone else. I wish I could do that, instead of being stuck like this. Being me."

Ellsworth felt torn between his own opinion and his sense of empathy. He liked Oren the way he was and couldn't imagine him changing; in fact, it seemed almost hellish to picture himself with a joined Trill that changed hosts. It seemed far preferable to have someone as themselves just one lifetime rather than someone else and yet still the same all at once. But at the same time, he recalled the feeling of that falling, lonely darkness. It was eternal and unchanging.

Moreover, there was even a part of Ellsworth that wanted to tell Oren to toughen up, to accept his circumstances for what they were and make the best of them rather than trying to run from them all the time. But could you really tell someone to do something that you yourself couldn't do? It didn't seem particularly fair.

"I think I understand," Ellsworth said, and he truly felt that he did. He'd never know what it was like to be El Aurian, but he could feel enough of what it was like to be Oren to get a basic understanding of the torment and loneliness that in all likelihood had no end in sight, at least in the long-term.

He raised his head up and fidgeted a little bit, unsure what to do with himself. There was the ever-present part of him that wanted to take Oren and make love to him to show how much he cared and try to take away some of the pain, but he knew that was an often wrong-headed idea, particularly so in Oren's case. Another part urged him to continue speaking, even though he didn't know what to say, and yet another part told him he should take some action.

He twisted his body until he was facing Oren and then started gently wiping at the tears on his face, gently daubing away the lines that had run from his eyes down his cheeks. There was a patient, calm, serene look on his face, the kind that only came from satisfaction. And there was a lot of satisfaction for him in caring for Oren, for readjusting some hair that had fallen out of place, for lifting his chin with a finger, for cupping his cheek with a hand. For a few minutes, he could even forget about the weighty matters they'd been discussing. There was only him and Oren and the little acts of love.

"I'm okay with you, you know," Ellsworth said, focusing on the physical movements of his hands so he didn't get tongue-tied. He brushed his fingertips against Oren's hairline, then moved his hands to trace along his jaw. "I wish I could make things different for you, so you won't feel any hurt. I can't. But I think I understand how you feel, and I think I'm okay with it. I want you to be happy when you're around me, and I want to spend as much time as we can together, when we can. And when we can't, then I understand. And all of that other stuff - I know it's important to you - but it's not important to us, and I don't think it should get in the way." His hand moved to Oren's chin and held it firmly, shaking it a little until he opened his eyes and met Ellsworth's gaze. The look of adoration was there again, almost as if he'd completely forgiven and forgotten Oren's month-long absence. "Do you understand what I mean? I'm telling you that I care for you, Oren."

Oren sniffed once more, looking at Ellsworth with wet, green eyes. The honesty and genuine love and understanding he saw there nearly made him break into another crying fit, but he managed to suppress it into a few shuddered breaths. He nodded, "I love you too," he replied, resting his hand on Ellsworth's wrist.

"I'm sorry this didn't turn out to be the apology I wanted it to be," he said after a few heartbeats. The idea, however stupid it had turned out to be, had been much cheerier than what had inevitably happened between them but a part of Oren was happy about it. Maybe even hopeful that things for them might not be ruined. That perhaps their relationship might shift into something more even, emotionally.

"Nothin' hardly ever turns out the way I want it to be," Ellsworth said as he stood up, a somewhat inelegantly stated but nonetheless universal truth. He leaned down just slightly and offered his hand to Oren. Looking down at him, there was something about the moment that made it feel like one he would never forget. Oren, crumpled up against the wall with wet eyes, looking up at him. There was love there and it was beautiful and it made Ellsworth smile. "You owe me a dance, dammit."

Oren gave Ellsworth a crooked smile, shaking his head in slight disbelief at him. Only Ells could try (and succeed) to make something positive out of a situation so heavy with regret and sadness. Although he didn't feel totally up to, feeling the way he did, Oren took Ellsworth's hand and let himself be pulled into a standing position.

"I even picked out a song for us," he told him, his voice soft as if they weren't the only two people in the large hall but in their own, intimate little bubble.

"Is it a sexy song? A song where I can put my hand on your hip and pull you against me?" Ellsworth asked playfully, lowering his voice to match. The distance between them wasn't great, but he closed it anyway and slid an arm around Oren to draw him closer. "Or is it a romantic song? A song where your eyes never leave mine and at the end you kiss me, like in the movies?"

Given the mischievous look in his eyes, it was almost as if they hadn't discussed anything at all that evening, like he'd just now walked into the holodeck and found Oren standing there. Of course, he hadn't forgotten. Not at all. But he had a remarkable capacity for living in the moment, so he could push it to the back of his mind and think about all of it later. For now he could put his hands on Oren and smile at him through batted eyelashes and lose himself in the thought of pressing their lips together; it wasn't much, but it was something he knew that he could give Oren: the chance, the opportunity, to forget about everything else but them for just a few moments.

Oren teared up again but tried to control himself. He felt overwhelmed suddenly by Ellsworth's actions and him just being, well, Ellsworth was the only way he could describe it. His talent for compartmentalizing things and focusing on something or someone else made Oren feel small but cherished.

"Both," he said, taking a deep breath to keep himself from carrying on with this crying nonsense. "Computer, play 'Kiss of fire' by G. Gibbs," he ordered, the dramatic beginning of the song filling the ballroom a few minutes later.

It took Oren another second to compose himself before he slipped his arm around Ellsworth's shoulders. He began with a step back, knowing the Betazoid would follow him easily enough through the tango steps. As the music and fitting lyrics reverberated around then, the two slid across the empty dance floor, and Oren allowed himself to slip closer to Ellsworth, enjoying the closeness he realised he'd been missing for the last month.

It was just proof that, despite his little fling with Tyrion, physical intimacy really didn't matter as much as that moment, letting Ellsworth take the lead in their dance as they gracefully passed onto the second verse.

Ellsworth loved the tango. He had a hard time wiping the grin off his face as he took lead, comfortably assuming the role given how often and fluidly it could change in the tango. He closed their embrace to match the style he was most comfortable with - hips and thighs pressed together rather than torso - and found his grin widening in wordless appreciation as he discovered that Oren remained completely flexible in the closed position.

He moved the pair to match the timing and speed of the music's staccato elements, which they managed to do flawlessly as if they had been dancing together for years. Ellsworth had always found technical perfection easier to achieve when dancing with another empath or telepath. The music urged you to let go of your higher mind and sink into the rhythm already; it was an easy step to let go just a bit more and move together singularly.

I can't resist you, what good is there in trying? What good is there denying you're all that I desire?

Ellsworth was unfamiliar with the song, but the lyrics seemed to hold special relevance as it moved into its third verse. The longer the song went on, the more he seemed to look into Oren's eyes. His grip changed and moved beyond the needs of the dance as their legs and feet intertwined and glided around one another, pulling the El Aurian as close as he could without unnecessarily restricting their movement. It wasn't a particularly demanding dance, but he felt his cheeks growing hot and his breath growing shallow.

Oren felt Ellsworth's grip tighten around him but didn't resist, allowing himself to be pulled closer, reveling in it even. As they moved with the music, Oren felt as if the earlier conversation took place eons ago and for once he didn't mind the disassociation. All that mattered to him at that moment was the Ellsworth's didn't hate him or push him away. The opposite, in fact.

Give me your lips, the lips you only let me borrow, love me tonight and let the devil take tomorrow. I know that I must have your kiss although it dooms me, Though it consumes me, your kiss of fire....

The song had always been one of Oren's favorites, echoing something deeply personal and intimate for each of his relationships but it never felt more fitting than with Ellsworth. Since the moment they'd met, he'd felt a connection to the much younger man and now he felt that all he had to do was hold onto him, this maddening creature that went around flirting and teasing half the crew but blushed when Oren took his hand when he wasn't expecting it. If he managed that, maybe things weren't going to turn out a grim as he expected them to.

Ellsworth had neatly divided his mind into instinct and higher thought, using the former to guide their steps and the latter to search Oren's eyes for the meaning in what was happening between them. As they took step after step, he recalled an earlier conversation with the ship's counselor on the difference between true desire borne out of an emotional connection with another person and its unhealthy, impulsive, fleeting counterpart. At the time, the difference between the two had been almost completely lost on him, but now he thought he was beginning to understand.

Since first I kissed you my heart was yours completely. If I'm a slave, then it's a slave I want to be! Don't pity me, don't pity me...

There was no question that he had always wanted to find himself beneath silken bedsheets with Oren. There was something magnetic about the attraction. Ellsworth loved the lay of his hair, the strength of his hands, the smell of his skin, the way his lips moved when he spoke. It was the unspoken and unacknowledged power Oren held over him, the sort of power that made him feel like he could let go of himself and subside into the overwhelming strength of it. Even the El Aurian's technical proficiency on the dance floor was proving to be a source of arousal for him as he took note of his effortlessly graceful movement propelled by strong legs and thighs. But before, the desire had always been about the crude, base expression of an intense and intimate friendship.

Now, after the events of the evening, the desire had taken on an unfamiliar emotional component. It was no longer the potential physical thrill of being with a handsome man that excited him - the simple, unevolved act that up to this point had represented Ellsworth's ability to emotionally express himself - but rather the prospect of being in the loving embrace of a person with whom he shared a real emotional connection. It reminded him of what he thought he'd begun to feel with K'os, just without the volatility. The desire, the need, was no less acute as he grappled with his thoughts; if anything, the potential of an emotional safe harbor only fanned the flames of his arousal until it felt like there was a fire burning inside of him, fueled by Oren's every movement. But for one of the first times in his life there was a more highly evolved component to the need that held the promise of answering a deeper, unaddressed satisfaction.

As the music came to an abrupt end, Oren felt reluctant to move away. Instead, he slowed his movements down into a gentle, romantic sway, even taking a step closer to Ellsworth. Taking his hands back, he slid his arms around Ellsworth's middle and settled his face comfortably in the crook of the brunette's shoulder.

Breaking the eye contact came with a welcome feeling of relief for Oren. The intensity of Ellsworth's gaze betrayed the feelings that were coursing through him better than his body did and Oren wasn't sure how comfortable he was with it.

His own body remained relatively calm and collected as always, simply enjoying the warmth emanating from Ellsworth and Oren's own feelings towards him. While he enjoyed the physical intimacy of being so close to someone he cared so much about, Oren felt no urge or desire to take it any further. To him, what they shared at that moment made him feel more vulnerable than anything sexual he could think of.

The rise and fall of Ellsworth's chest became more regular and rhythmic as they swayed together to the silent song. The intensity of his feelings had seemed to amplify the physical exertion of the tango but without the music and the sensual movement of the dance he was calming to a resting state where he could better control his emotions. Thought there was still a lump in his throat from the unacknowledged but acknowledged difference in how they viewed physical intimacy between two people. The young Betazoid yearned for Oren in a way that he knew was healthy - a good urge rather than a bad urge - yet he remained, as ever, forbidden fruit. It was a source of more than just petty sexual frustration for Ellsworth because the urge itself was about far more than that.

But, as the counselor had said, one should only cross a bridge upon actually arriving at it.

"It was a good apology," Ellsworth said. His voice was a little scratchy from a dry throat and sounded loud enough to fill the whole room, even though it was actually as quiet as one would expect between two people in such a tender moment. He rested his chin against Oren's head and used one hand to rub against his back, using his fingers to follow patterns in the El Aurian's expansive tattoo that he recalled from memory. "I was just being stubborn and stupid and didn't want to give you the satisfaction. But it's wonderful and romantic, and you're such a good dancer. I don't think I've ever danced with anyone like that before."

Ellsworth suddenly felt very shy about what he was saying. Sometimes it was hard to tell a person how special they were to you, especially when there was always the nagging sensation in the back of one's mind that they didn't return the feelings. And, too, he wanted to offer an explanation for his...urges. He knew Oren could likely sense them, and it made Ellsworth feel ashamed for having them in such an innocent moment, especially with someone like him. He meant to say something far more eloquent, that the physical interactions (or lack thereof) between them didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things and had little influence on the way he felt about Oren, that there was more to intimacy than his crude thoughts, that, as the song had said, he was a slave because it was a slave he wanted to be.

Instead, it came out a disjointed mess.

"I... Love being with you. Just like this. I'm happy. I am."

He could feel Oren smile against his neck. He eventually pulled back, meeting Ellsworth's eyes with his once again. "I know you are."

He still swayed automatically, his body relieved at having something to do. "And you're not stupid," he added, referring to his earlier statement. "You're stubborn as hell," Oren added with a small chuckle. "But you're definitely not even close to being stupid. You're more intelligent than you give yourself credit for." Oren was serious as he said the words, knowing Ellsworth would be able to tell not just from his demeanor but the conviction in his tone. If he was being honest, to Oren, Ellsworth was one of the more intelligent people he'd ever met, once you got through all of the insecurity and mock-superficiality.

He had a sharp eye and, although most would find it hard to believe due to a few misguided actions, Ellsworth had an incredible capacity for understanding people, how they worked and what their motivations were. The only thing holding him back was the insecurity and inexperience of his youth. If he could get over that (and Oren believed firmly he would), he could achieve amazing things.

"I love being with you too." Leaning forward, Oren gave Ellsworth a soft kiss on the cheek. He really wanted to kiss him on the lips, but it felt like too much too soon, especially considering their current emotional predicament. He remained their, resting his cheek against Ellsworth's, silent for a few beats before making a tentative decision.

"I know you don't have any reason to trust me but..." He swallowed, looking back into Ellsworth's eyes. "If or, when, I feel the need to run again, I'll come to you. Or I'll let you know, but...I won't abandon you again. I promise. And I'll always come back." He didn't add the 'to you'. It felt frightening enough to make the promise without shoving his face back into Ellsworth's neck.

"Do you promise?" Ellsworth asked, almost immediately. He'd pulled back to where they could look one another directly in the eyes. There was such an unrestrained note of hopefulness in his voice and behind his wet eyes that it seemed more like a plea than a question.

"I promise," Oren confirmed, tightening his hold on Ellsworth's side in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

Ellsworth gave the biggest, brightest smile that had probably ever crossed his face and hugged Oren tightly, burying his face into his shoulder. He let out a sound that was like a cross between happy laughter and choked sob of relief before pulling away and sniffling a bit. He let go of Oren with one hand and quickly wiped at his teary eyes, trying to compose himself. Only in the naive world of Ellsworth Hudson could a promise still hold so much meaning when so many before it had been broken.

But thoughts of broken promises weren't present in his mind, not even in its deepest recesses. At the moment there was really nothing in the universe except the El Aurian standing in front of him, the promise that he'd made, and the love that Ellsworth felt for him. Later he might reflect on the moment and think about how scary it might be to have someone look at you like that, as if you had hung the moon and the stars and set the universe in working order. And at some point he might regret adding to Oren's burdens in such a way, but for now he couldn't help himself.

[OFF]

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

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