One Last Dance [part 1]
Posted on 31 Jan 2015 @ 12:34am by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson
4,740 words; about a 24 minute read
Mission:
Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: SB84 - Holosuite 06
Timeline: MD44 - 20.00hrs
[ON]
'I know I don't deserve it, but I'd really like to see you and explain everything. Please meet me in Holosuite 06 tonight at 2000hrs.
-Oren'
That was the message that greeted Ellsworth on his paDD, blinking rapidly above what looked like an endless stream of requisition requests.
Ellsworth saw it immediately but tried to act like he hadn't. He knew it had Oren's name on it, but if he didn't acknowledge it then he could act like it was just one of the endless streams of routine communications that came into his PADD every moment or every day. He could ignore Oren just like he'd ignored Ellsworth. Mostly. For, like, five seconds. His hands fidgeted along the side of the PADD and then he finally broke down and quickly tapped the icon to bring up the message. He read it once, twice, three times, and then frowned at it.
'Explain everything,' huh? He tried to scowl at the message and be mad, but he wasn't very good at it. Instead, he accessed his personal files and pulled up a pictured he'd taken of the two of them. They were both smiling too wide, only moments from bursting into laughter. It made him smile. For a second. Then he remembered he was supposed to be mad and shut the PADD off.
Fine. Fine! 2000 hours it would be.
The holosuite was set to the same program that ran the night of the masquerade ball, the night Oren knew he 'disappeared' from Ellsworth's daily life. He'd been shocked to discover that it had been exactly 37 days since that night, the number acting as further proof of just how out of it he'd been lately. It had felt like days to Oren.
Ironically, the few hours he'd spent preparing the evening with Ellsworth and waiting for him to finally arrive seemed to drag on indefinitely, making Oren tense and nervous all at the same time. He knew it was unrealistic to believe Ellsworth would forgive him because even Oren knew he didn't deserve it, despite his best intentions.
Pieter was right, good intentions can't excuse terrible behaviour and Oren was definitely guilty of some very rotten behaviour lately. Well, not just lately, he thought, taking another small sip of the brandy he'd gotten for them. Oren wasn't one for alcohol but he'd needed something to calm himself, sitting in the dim lighting of the vast ballroom, the silence pressing against his limbs, making them heavy and awkward with anxiety.
Ellsworth stepped through the doors of the holosuite and into the exact same ballroom as the masquerade. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but this wasn't it. Maybe the Carnevale di Venezia? A secluded alpine grove with a picnic basket and candles? Floating above the rings of Bardera IX? But not the masquerade, certainly. Not the same place where he'd been forgotten.
On the walk over from his quarters aboard the ship, he'd almost talked himself into forgiving Oren. Everyone had their reasons for doing the things they did, and even if you couldn't always understand them you could at least try. They were likely borne of some kind of personal pain, which was enough to have to endure alone without someone getting angry with you about something. But all that had flown right out the airlock when he saw the program and felt everything he'd felt that night and since come rushing back.
"Is this supposed to be some kind of apology? Because it's not the same, Oren," Ellsworth said. He was still standing in the open door of the holosuite, arms crossed, and looked like he had no intention of stepping inside.
Ellsworth's reaction surprised Oren for a moment. He'd thought the idea was sweet but clearly, his imagination needed some serious work. Looking around the ballroom, thinking about it what he realized was the first time, Oren felt himself fill with dread.
What possessed him to think this was actually a good idea?! Of course Ellsworth would hate it! It was lazy, stupid and about as unimaginative as he'd ever been. Some part of him had imagined this to be easy. Ellsworth had feelings for him, so naturally he should forgive him, right?
Just that having crossed his mind made Oren sick to his stomach. He really was as shallow and manipulative as Pieter told him he was, otherwise he would've put in more effort to apologize to someone he genuinely cared about. Or maybe he was just lying to himself as well, thinking he cared about Ellsworth. Maybe he wasn't capable of normal emotion and everything he felt was the memory of how things felt before. As these thought bled into his mind, it was like Ellsworth wasn't even there for those few moments and Oren downed the rest of the brandy from his glass. Setting it aside, he glanced up at Ellsworth again, his looked pained. Ellsworth didn't deserve this. He should've stayed away.
"I know..." Oren sighed, speaking softly. "It was a stupid idea and you deserve better." 'You deserve everything,' Oren thought, looking at the Betazoid hovering around the door. It was the truth, after all. Ellsworth was a wonderful person, better than Oren could ever hope to be no matter how long he lived. He didn't deserve someone like Oren screwing up his life, manipulating his affections for him just to feel good about himself.
"If you want an explanation for my disappearance, I can give you one, but I assure you, it's not a very good one." As he spoke, Oren poured himself another inch of brandy.
"At least you can admit that much," Ellsworth said, making an effort to keep his voice strong and firm. It wanted to crack and fill with sympathy. One of the downsides to being an empath was feeling the emotions of another person. Even if you were angry with them you had no choice but to identify with their struggle and, if you cared for them, feel sympathy for what they were going through. At the moment, he really hated it because he wanted to be mad at Oren. He wanted to argue with him and say mean things and knock his glass off the table and push him.
But instead he just stepped inside the holosuite, allowed the door to shut behind him and trudged over to slump into the chair across from the El Aurian. He tried to make sure his posture conveyed disinterest, slouching with crossed arms and interest in everything in the room except for Oren. He wanted to seem aloof, like he was above needing anything at all from the other man, especially an apology. Being close to him was already wearing down his angry resolve, but he redoubled his efforts and let out a little puff of air that was accompanied by a very serious pout.
Oren watched Ellsworth's display, his experienced eyes taking in the way he tried to pretend not to care and it suddenly made him feel worse. That said, he did his best to try and focus on something other than his own feelings. 'For once' something that sounded eerily close to Pieter's voice said in the back of his mind.
"I was only at the ball for maybe half an hour when I saw someone I used to know. It's a long story that I won't burden you with but, to put it simply, it was a Romulan scientist named Seleya," Oren explained, looking down at the glass, the brown liquid swirling inside. He focused on it as he spoke, feeling the words flow more easily when his hands and attention were occupied by something neutral.
"She's morbidly fascinated with me. Well, El-Aurians, and their physiology," he corrected with a shrug. Not everything was about him, after all. "I thought she was on the base for a visit so I wanted to disappear until she left. I changed my quarters, didn't talk to anyone I knew..." He trailed off. "I thought it would only take a few days but then I completely lost track of it all. I thought it had been days, maybe a week." Oren shrugged, knowing that this wasn't an excuse at all.
"Then, when I realised what the date was I felt...ashamed at what I'd done. I felt too embarrassed and anxious about my actions to even send you a message." Raising his glass, he took a small sniff of the brandy.
"Like I said. It's not a very good excuse." He took a sip.
"You lost track of time?" Ellsworth asked, trying to condense everything Oren had said into a simple sentence. His brow was drawn together in confusion and his mouth was agape in disbelief. "You disappeared for 37 days. Again, Oren. After you just..." His lip trembled, and he cursed on the inside. Was this what friendship with Oren was going to be like? Here today, gone tomorrow, back again some other day? He realized he'd sat up in his chair, so he forcefully flopped back into it. "Fine." He stared off into the corner and mulled over what had been said; against his better judgment, against what he wanted to do and say, he turned back to Oren with concern in his eyes. "Are you okay? I mean, about that lady?"
"She's joining the crew," Oren just said with a shrug. "I'll just look where I sit and make sure I don't leave my DNA lying around." He spoke casually, as if it was no big deal that he'd basically need to look over his shoulder for the rest of his time on the Galileo.
"You shouldn't worry so much about me, Ells," Oren said then, pulling them back to the real subject of their meeting. "I've been a terrible friend to you. I'd love to say that this is a first time or that it would never happen again, but it would be a lie. I've always been like this and I will most likely flake out on you again, sooner or later." Oren was sad and he hated himself to admit it but it was finally time to face reality. "I'm a terrible person," he said. "I'm selfish and I get stuck in my own head and I forget everyone around me even exists. I hate that I do that, but I just can't help myself."
"So." Shrugging again, Oren set the glass aside and looked at Ellsworth again, meeting his eyes. "I will lose it again, no matter how much I care about you, and I probably care about you more than I should." The last words slipped out. The alcohol was making him a bit more loose-lipped than he'd like.
But it was the truth. He did have feelings for Ellsworth, even if he wasn't sure what to do with them half the time he was around the Betazoid. In all honesty, the feelings had snuck up on him.
With every action, Ellsworth had this air of kindness and subtle strength about him, Oren couldn't help but feel pulled in, grateful for even having the opportunity to enjoy his company. He still felt grateful for it, even if their time together seemed to be coming to an end.
Ellsworth almost didn't hear the entire first half of what Oren said, being so fixated on the last part. His smile started off slowly but finally widened into a teasing grin, bringing levity to an otherwise very somber and serious conversation. With characteristic flexibility, he slid out of his chair and settled himself on the floor in front of Oren. He hugged the other man's leg and rested his cheek on his thigh; although it was completely lost on him, everything about the position was a fairly good reflection of their relationship.
"You like me, I can feel it," Ellsworth finally said, sounding half-teasing but half like it was a dream come true. As was often the case, his anger had burned away quickly. He knew he should probably still be upset with Oren, but it was so hard to be mad when they were together. Later, he might resent him again. But for now, he was content to feel the warm of his thigh on his cheek, anticipate a hand through his hair and talk things out. "You're not a terrible friend to me... I've had terrible friends. I know the difference. Terrible friends don't feel any remorse about the things that they do and the hurt that they cause. You might do some terrible things, but it doesn't make you terrible." He turned his head until he could angle one eye up at Oren. "But, why? Hmm? Why do you go away?" He wanted to add 'from me' to the end of the question and mention that everyone in his life seemed destined to leave him, but it seemed like a selfish addendum.
Oren was sure he could feel his heart sink when Ellsworth got that big, stupid, beautiful smile on his face. He knew exactly what it meant and while his heart felt lighter, it still felt like it was also sliding down into his stomach making his sick with himself. He really was too kind, too good to be stuck with someone like Oren.
He shook his head at the question at last. "I've done it so much, I don't think I know for sure anymore," he admitted, afraid to reach out and touch Ellsworth, even if the desire too was burning him from the inside.
"At first it was what people wanted. They change and I don't fit anymore," Oren explained vaguely but he knew what he meant. People grew up around him, not just physically, but emotionally. They grow, get married, get jobs, have children. Their lives change and Oren's world changes with his friends around him until he feel the space he once occupied in their lives be filled with other things. Eventually, not wanting to be forcefully pushed out, he would leave. After a few calls and messages, all contact between himself and his friends ceased. He tried not to look back, no matter how much it hurt.
It happened, over and over. People change and Oren stayed the same. He'd tried to change with them, but it was like trying to jump into a hot bath all at once. You only get burned and end up making a giant mess of everything. So he left again. And again, and again.
Eventually, it felt like instinct. "Staying in one place feels a little strange. I think..." Oren sniffed and he suddenly realised his eyes were wet. "Maybe if I leave a bit now...it'll be easier later."
Ellsworth turned his head so that he was no longer looking up at him. He tightened his grip on Oren's leg and pressed one side of his face into his thigh as he thought over what he'd said. If you were destined to lead a lonely life, then didn't it follow that it was better to always make yourself lonely? There wasn't as much vulnerability in being lonely as people thought. Sure, you could hurt yourself, but other people couldn't. You couldn't be wounded or haunted by lost friends, lovers, family, so on and so forth. You could wrap yourself in solitude like armor.
"I wouldn't know when to stay or when to go," Ellsworth said. He detached one of his arms and ran it up Oren's other leg, from his ankle to his knee and then back again, over and over, just to give himself something to do. "You know, if I was you." His voice shifted, trying to sound like an innocent question but full of hope about what the answer might be, "Do you think you could ever just kinda be in the present? Like, just worry about what's happening right now and maybe tomorrow, but not worrying about 50 years from now? Can you feel time that way?"
Feeling increasingly anxious about their unbalanced positioning, Oren placed his hand on the table behind him and used it as leverage to lower himself down onto the floor in front of Ellsworth. "I don't know," he admitted on the way down, awkwardly maneuvering himself and Ellsworth until the were both seated in front of one another, Oren's legs stretched out in a V shape in front of him with Ells' legs positioned the same but over Oren's.
"I used to live like that all the time but then I got older. When you have a lot of time pass, it's hard not to dwell on it," Oren continued to explain, looking down at Ellsworth's leg as he gently traced shapes on it with his right index finger.
"And when I don't dwell, I keep thinking of what to do next. I never really had that much going on in the present to think too much on it. Just work. Especially in the last few years." He didn't admit that it was the same problem that made him distance himself from the previous crew he'd served on. As his contract came to an end, he'd become aloof, spending all of his time working towards finishing his projects and planning new ones. His friends had tried to reach out to him but, as shameful as he'd come to think on it now, he just shrugged it all off. It had felt like the right decision then.
"I don't think I do well with so much time off," Oren explained. He knew he needed something to ground him, keep him stuck in one place (and time), but he hated putting that much responsibility on anyone he cared about. It wasn't their duty to keep him sane.
Ellsworth fidgeted, as the new position was more comfortable in only some ways. Now he had to look at Oren, which somehow made the whole conversation more difficult. It wasn't just that his resolve crumbled when he looked at him; he could also see the pain in his eyes, and it was a lot for one emotionally immature Betazoid to handle. It was hard enough trying to wrap his mind around time as it was perceived by Oren - minutes seeming like microseconds, years more like days or months - and harder still to try to understand decades of pain, loss, regret and remorse.
But try he did.
"Maybe you just need something to keep you busy," Ellsworth offered, trying to seem helpful. 'Something,' of course, was meant to be 'someone,' but it seemed like a difficult subject for Oren so he'd changed the word for his benefit. His eyes fell down to watch Oren's hand trace around his leg, and he bit the inside of his lip to try to keep his mind from slipping into hyper-emotional Betazoid-mode.
"Maybe it's part of who you are, to go away sometimes, and... I guess that if it's part of you then, even if people don't like it, they have to accept it if they want to accept you, right? Like how if people want to be my friend then they have to accept that I'm the prettiest." The corner of his mouth turned up in a wry smile, but it didn't last for long. It was a bad place, bad timing, and bad delivery for a joke. He felt it fall flat and caught Oren's hand out of nervousness, needing something to hold on to. When he spoke, it was slowly, like he was treading over uncertain ground in his attempts to rationalize and accept Oren's hurtful behavior. "Everybody is different, so... Sometimes you just have to look at all the good things and don't think too much about the one bad thing. Like, um... You make me feel happy and we laugh a lot and you make me feel safe, but sometimes you leave me." His voice cracked hard on the last five words, wobbling all over the place in an unsteady timbre.
Oren closed his eyes, and when he opened them again he looked at Ellsworth, seeing the hurt there. The hurt he was responsible for.
"Ells," he began, hoping his voice would be steady. Luckily, experience was something he had plenty of.
"You need to be angry with me. What I did..." Oren shook his head in dismay at his own behaviour. "There is no good that can excuse it. I know you have a hard time being angry at me because that's not who you are. It's one of the things I really love about you but I think we both need a bit more reality in this relationship. I need you to let all of that anger out on me. It's perfectly fine for you to be mad at me."
Although Oren didn't know Ellsworth's background besides a few general fact, he knew that he hasn't had a fun, easy life, no matter how much he acts that it wasn't a big deal. Whatever it was...it was definitely a big deal and Oren could see right through to his insecurities. He only wished Ellsworth could do the same with him. He wished Ellsworth knew what he meant when he said some things off-handedly. He wished that his actions weren't misunderstood and taken as hurtful. But he knew that was unfair. He wished he was more open.
Ellsworth shoved Oren's hand away in frustration and scowled at the floor. "Well maybe I don't want to be angry! What good does it ever do? Huh? Tell me!" He gave a little kick with his foot and caught Oren in the side, though it was a weak effort. "Angry Jem'Hadar, angry social workers, angry men; angry bombs, angry words, angry hands. Is it supposed to make me feel better, or you? Is it what you want? You want me to be angry with you?" He leaned forward and shoved Oren in the shoulder before kicking at him again. "Am I supposed to hit you and tell you I hate you and you're stupid and you break my heart and I wish you'd just go away? To yell at you so you feel like...like... I don't know!"
He sputtered and his face twisted up as he tried to think of the right word, something about the absolution of sin through atonement. It wouldn't come to his mind, which made him even more frustrated, and hot tears finally spilled over on to his cheeks. He realized in the heat of the moment he'd disentangled himself and was sitting up, so he fell back away from Oren. He brought his legs up until he was hugging his knees, then buried his face so that only his eyes were visible, glaring at Oren for making him angry against his will. In that brief moment, he felt like he hated him. He did want to lash out at him, strike him across his face, pin him to the floor, beat him with closed fists until he drew blood. But it was gone as quickly as it had come.
"You are selfish," Ellsworth said, voice muffled behind his knees. It was an accusation without any venom, despite the look in his eyes; more like a statement or a realization. "If I'm angry, then maybe I'll send you away. If I'm angry, it's easier to turn your back. If I'm angry, then I'll care less about you and you won't feel so bad when you leave the next time. If I'm angry, then you don't have to be honest with yourself. You don't want me to be angry for me; you want me to be angry for you."
Oren let Ellsworth take his frustrations out physically, not making any effort to move away. The self-loathing part of him enjoyed it, seeing Ellsworth react. But the moment the feeling came to him, Ellsworth proved, once again, that he wasn't nearly as naive as others thought him to be.
Pulling his legs back towards his body as well, Oren listened to every painfully true word out of the Betazoid's mouth. They were all right on point and Oren could feel numbness spreading from the depths of his stomach while his arms and legs aches with pent up frustration.
"You're right," he said, unnecessarily. "And I'm sorry that I'm selfish. I'm not pretending that I'm not. But I don't know how to act anymore, Ellsworth." Oren's tone was higher, almost petulant and laced with his frustrations.
"If I stay, then people eventually just get bored with me or sick of me or whatever it is about me that drives people to act the way they do," he explained, noticing that he was also gesturing with his hands.
"Then I have to leave because it's easier for them, but it ends up hurting me. Sometimes I think back to all of my friends and I doubt they even remember me. But you know what?" Not waiting for an answer, he continued. "I remember everything!" He was standing now, pacing around the dancefloor.
"I remember every conversation, every feeling, every touch like it was yesterday because, to me, it feels like it was! But then I see them and they're so different and I look at myself and I'm....this! All the time!" He motioned to himself angrily. Seeing everyone around him grow and change, Oren couldn't help but feel stuck in his own body, like living in a little pocket where time stood still, staring out into the real world.
"But when I do leave, suddenly I'm selfish and distracted and...unemotional or I just don't care about anything, and maybe people are right! Maybe I don't care. Maybe I am just as selfish and arrogant and self-involved as everyone says I am, but I've got so much crap stuck in my brain after so many years, I don't even know it anymore. Maybe I've conditioned myself to feel things at what I think are appropriate times and I'm just dead inside." The last came out shakily and Oren's voice broke for the first time, tears rushing down his cheeks for what felt like the first time in years. He cursed, reaching up to wipe them away quickly, his first instinct to push the feelings down.
But the effort was futile as they just kept coming and eventually Oren gave up. He sniffed, letting himself slide down the wall behind him until he was sitting on the floor once again, several meters away from where Ellsworth was.
Ellsworth's eyes had followed Oren as he paced around the empty ballroom and stayed settled on him now that he was slumped against the wall. He continued to hug his knees and peer over the top of him, as if doing so placed him behind some impregnable defense. It was clear that they were both hurting, and Ellsworth's instinct was to get up and go to him. But there was a risk that he'd get turned away, that Oren might bury his face in his hands and refuse to look at him or place a hand against his chest to keep him at arm's length. It was bad enough that he was still hurting from the abandonment; rejection on top of it would be too much to bear.
Minutes went by, and Ellsworth just stared at Oren. He could see tear-stained cheeks glistening in the dim light, and every once in awhile he thought he heard a little sob. It didn't take much to put himself in the other man's shoes, just a little shift of his mind where he dimmed his own feelings and heightened his perception of Oren's. The first sensation was like falling in absolute darkness. There was no light, no other person, no sense of any other matter around you, just an all pervasive loneliness brought on by decades behind you and centuries before you, stretching on endlessly and ceaselessly, an eternal imprisonment in one's own mind.
It was enough to take his breath away and make him pull his mind back.
[to be continued]
[OFF]
PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]
Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo
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