Pajama Party

Posted on 10 Feb 2015 @ 11:44pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

4,529 words; about a 23 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 4, 04-1007 EN
Timeline: MD45 - 2100hrs

[ON]

"Ugh...I hate him! Why didn't they kill him off last season?!"

As he flopped back against the couch cushions with an irritated sigh, Oren threw a sideways glance at Ellsworth, snuggled up in blankets next to him. If someone looked at the pair from the side, they'd never be able to tell the two had been apart for almost forty days. After their dramatic and overdue heart-to-heart the night before, Oren knew he needed to do better by Ellsworth now and hoped the feeling would last. But if his feelings for the Betazoid were any indication, he wasn't overly concerned about it. While still raw from their exchange, Oren tried his best to stay in the moment. It was easier said than done but, having read the basics of the literature Devin sent him, Oren was determined to try his best.

Making good on his promise of a binge night with Ellsworth seemed like a good place as any to start with both focusing his attention on the present and trying to make it up for his horrid behaviour.

"I know!" Ellsworth exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

He looked at the viewscreen for a few minutes longer, but he'd stopped watching the show. He could feel K'os on the ship. Since he'd heard from Anna, that stupid half-Vulcan was literally all he could think about. Before he left for Oren's quarters he'd felt it started to consume him; he even felt like he was beginning to hallucinate, that he could feel K'os' breath on his neck or the touch of his hand along his arm. If he let it go on for very long, it would probably drive him insane, so he'd sat in the middle of the floor and bent every ounce of his will toward shoving it down. Down, down, down, deeper and deeper into the recesses of his mind. And by the time he showed up at Oren's place, it was like a distant memory.

But he could still feel him every time K'os moved, no matter how hard he was trying to ignore it. First he was at the docking hatch, then Deck 4, now Deck 5. The link they shared, forged in passion and bonded with their minds, ran like a ribbon of fire between them. Apparently it had diminished only because of the physical distance between them; now that he was back, it seemed as strong as ever. It burned him and called him, no matter how much he hated it.

Finally, anticipating a break in the show, he turned away from the viewscreen to look at Oren. He smiled at him and leaned a little closer, doing a half-crawl across the couch toward him. Earlier, he'd consigned himself to the corner of the couch after nearly slapping Oren in the head three times from his animated participation in the events of the show. But every break, he'd crawled back and nearly plopped himself in the El Aurian's lap.

This time, he stretched out on his back and rested his head on Oren's leg, looking up at him with absolute contentment and a crooked grin. The sight of him was like a cool balm against the wounds re-opened by K'os; here was someone who'd also left him, true, but someone who'd come back. Someone who'd tried to set things right. Someone he could be happy with...he thought. "I like your nose."

Oren chuckled. "My nose? Really?" he asked with incredulity. Leaning back on the couch, he sighed, burying one hand in Ellsworth's hair, the other resting on the Betazoid's chest once he stretched out.

"Mm-hmm," Ellsworth said, reaching up one hand to run a finger along the bridge of Oren's nose. "I like how strong this part is, how it starts like that and runs down, and then there's this part that's kinda pronounced, you know?" The moment he finished talking, he slipped his hand around to the back of Oren's head and pulled him down into a kiss. With no small amount of reluctance he let Oren go to take the strain off his back, but kept the pleasant smile. "Did you know when you love somebody your brain makes chemicals that make you more in love with them? Like, they seem prettier and smarter and better. I read about it once."

Oren's smile widened with growing affection at Ellsworth's words. "I believe that," he said softly before finally leaning away after their kiss, the hand on Ellsworth's chest caressing his collarbone.

Ellsworth grinned and nestled into the couch, comfortable with his head in Oren's lap and the other man's hand running through his hair. Someone else had touched his hair like that, but he slapped those thoughts down. Kicked them and pushed and shoved until they were back in the hole where they belonged, forgotten. He closed his eyes and flopped an arm over toward the coffee table, blindly feeling around until he found the button to shut off the series they'd been watching. Ordinarily, he hated silence. But this was nice. There was nothing in the room except the sound of Oren's fingers against his hair, the rhythm of his breathing, and Ellsworth's own thoughts.

Stupid, awful, persistent thoughts. Thoughts he thought he'd unthought. Thoughts he'd been purposely ignoring all evening long, because they threatened to ruin the perfect pajama party. Eventually, he decided he'd never be able to shake them. He wasn't wiling to reveal everything - in fact, he was going out of his way to suppress and conceal most of them for Oren's sake and his own, fearful that the other's limited empathy might pick up on them. The young Betazoid's forehead wrinkled and his eyes were full of concern when he finally opened them. He knew it would be unpleasant - every fiber of his being protested against it - but they had to clear the air, partially. It might be like a small release of pressure, enough that he could keep the dangerous things under wraps until he had time to... Well, time to do whatever it was that he was going to do to deal with it.

"We're hiding things," Ellsworth said, looking anywhere but into Oren's eyes. "I can feel it."

Oren pursed his lips, looking down. Seeing the frown on Ellsworth's face, he ran the thumb of his left hand over the young man's forehead, hoping to smooth it out. Although Oren knew he had things in his life Ellsworth should probably know about, he didn't feel like he was hiding them on purpose. But he knew it was hard for Ellsworth to bring something up that might cause conflict so he was quick to reassure him.

"Hey," he said, tapping Ellsworth's jaw gently until he caught his gaze with his once again. "It's alright to talk about things we don't want to talk about." Whether the last was said for Ellsworth's benefit or his own, Oren wasn't sure. Both, most likely. Nervous despite his best efforts to remain calm, Oren shifted in his seat, hoping the movement would discreetly relieve the tension in his limbs but it was difficult to be discreet when someone way lying in his lap.

Ellsworth looked completely unconvinced. His experience with interpersonal relationships hovered somewhere around zero, so he worked mostly off instinct. And instinct told him that there was a reason you didn't want to talk about things that you didn't want to talk about. They were dangerous. "What if we hate each other after, though?"

Oren's eyes softened as they looked at Ellsworth. The corner of his mouth quirked into a small half-smile, the smile of a man resigned to his fate. "I could never hate you, Ells. No matter what."

The young Betazoid took a moment with his senses to test the claim. When he found the statement to be true, he blushed, turned and buried his face into Oren's abdomen. He wasn't sure why he felt flustered and embarrassed, but he did. Maybe it was just the newness or the struggle of having someone not only genuinely care about you but also (mostly) unafraid to say so aloud. It gave him a squirmy feeling, like he was unworthy of being in that kind of spotlight. Or maybe it was the guilt he felt over K'os, about his private thoughts, about the love and the hate.

"This is confusing for me," Ellsworth said, voice muffled from insisting on speaking into Oren's pajama shirt. "Sometimes, I don't know how to say how I feel about you. So... It makes things fuzzy. I don't know what's right and wrong, even more than usual. But I think I made a mistake, while you were gone. I mean, not gone. Just gone from me." He pulled back and rolled into his previous position, making the extremely difficult effort to look Oren in his eyes.

"Do you know Wintrow? The cadet guy from the shuttlebay? Lanky, blonde hair, kinda shy? Well, sorta shy. Anyway... Uh. I slept with him. And, I don't really think it was right for other reasons, but I don't think it was right to you, either. I mean, I had my reasons, I didn't just do it! But... Anyway, now what am I supposed to do? You don't...uh...you feel differently about that stuff than me and I..." He started to say he didn't like it but that was too selfish even for him. Because it wasn't that he didn't like it. It was just that it frustrated him, immensely. "I don't know what to do about it. To be right to you. Just tell me what to do, so that you're happy."

Continuing to run his hand through Ellsworth's hair, Oren didn't reply for a while, thinking. What could someone say to that? He wasn't in a position to make any demands of Ellsworth. He was Betazoid, a species Oren spent the majority of his life around, even more than he'd spend around Bajorans. Their views and feelings about sexuality were the complete opposite of Oren's entire experience with the subject.

Before he could really gather his thoughts, he spoke. "It's more complicated than that, Ellsworth." He tried to keep the eye contact up, but couldn't quite manage it, focusing his attention to the side, where his fingertips gently ran over Ellsworth's chest.

"I can't tell you what to do, I don't have the right to control your behavior. Your happiness matters to me," he admitted before finally gathering up the courage to meet Ells' eyes again. It was easier to look at him when he wasn't quite baring his soul. "Besides, if I criticized what you did with Wintrow, it would be pretty hypocritical of me," Oren continued. He had no idea who the cadet was and, in all honesty, it didn't much matter to him. "Considering I slept with someone when I was gone too."

Ellsworth felt everything drain out of his body, like someone had subjected him to an intensive emotional blood-letting. He couldn't move. He told his arm to move; it did not move. He told his head to raise; it did not raise. He wasn't sure he could imagine a more shocking revelation. Oren had slept with someone? Asexual Oren? Oren that turned aside his advances? Oren that would probably never give in to Ellsworth? Oren, who Ellsworth had come to terms with being forbidden fruit? Oren, who he'd decided he wouldn't pressure and just learn to respect him for who he was rather than who he might want him to be? It was so shocking, he couldn't even speak. Only wordless air wheezed out of his mouth as he stared up at him. Somehow he could justify his own indiscretions with Wintrow and whatever he was feeling about K'os, confusing as it was, but for Oren to do it... It just seemed wrong.

"Who?" he finally asked, straining to sound even and completely in control.

"Wel...I thought it was just some guy," Oren explained with a shrug. "It was a stupid thing to do now that I think back on it. I was feeling depressed and I just needed to get out, so I went to a bar. I met him and some part of me thought it was a good idea to see where it goes. I hadn't been with anyone in almost thirty years so I thought, maybe something changed. Maybe I felt differently about it now." Years ago, Oren had done the same on a more regular basis. His flawed logic had been that, if he did it enough times, maybe he would learn to like it, that it was all just immaturity on his part. It had taken a long time for him to accept that he wasn't like others.

"I don't. It was nice and it felt alright, but I still knew it was a mistake the next day. We spent a couple of days together because he seemed like a really nice guy but we both agreed it wouldn't go anywhere. The other day I realised he works on the Galileo. Tyrion Faye, from Intelligence. Betazoid," he explained. He smiled weakly down at Ellsworth, continuing to caress his chest.

"Tell me what you're thinking," Oren finally asked. The expression on Ellsworth's face wasn't one he'd seen before and he was worried about his reaction. He knew that he had most likely given Ellsworth the wrong impression about his more personal 'habits' but he hoped that the other man wouldn't just storm off and call him a liar. Of course, it wouldn't be the first time someone didn't believe him regarding his feelings, but he wasn't sure he could take the rejection from Ellsworth.

The only thing keeping him in place was Oren's hand on his chest. By turns he'd wanted to cry, slap him in the face, cry some more, or just get off the roller coaster and leave. It never once occurred to him that they had committed the same "sin," for Oren's transgression seemed far, far worse. There were things about the man that had threatened to drive him crazy with unanswerable lust since the day they'd met, things that had only gotten worse as time went by. The way he looked at Ellsworth was at the top of the list, big green eyes full of love and confusion and care and concern. They made him want to throw Oren on a bed and show him - through the only sort of action he knew - how strongly he felt about him.

But that was impossible. He couldn't be with Oren like he'd been with K'os; but then again, he couldn't be with anyone like he was with K'os. That was an experience that couldn't be replicated, an experience that called to part of him even as he lay on the couch with Oren. And besides, he'd never be comfortable forcing Oren into that situation no matter how much he wanted him; it was a struggle, but it was a struggle for Ellsworth to master alone. He was slowly coming to terms with the impossibility of being with him, but now it all seemed turned on its head. He felt not only let down, but, most importantly, rejected, like he wasn't good enough to be "the one." Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't chosen to be with another Betazoid. For days. What did that even mean? He had a thing for Betazoids, just not him?

"I'm thinking you're stupid," Ellsworth said spitefully, averting his eyes to hide the truth. He silently hoped that Oren wouldn't remove his hand, that he'd keep gently and soothingly caressing him. He might have felt rejected, maybe even betrayed on some level, but there wasn't anyone else in the universe he wanted touching him at that moment except Oren. Mostly. "Why didn't you come to me? Am I not... I mean, don't you... Don't you like my body? You don't think I could please you?"

Oren didn't move his hand from his chest, absentmindedly taking the other out of Ellsworth's hair to rub at his eyes. Somehow, he expected the reaction he got. "Ells...." He sighed, trying to find the right words. Though Oren had years of experience trying to explain himself to the people he loved, it always impossible to explain. How do you explain the lack of something the other person can't imagine living without?

"I love you, okay?" he said, that being a good a place as any to start. He hated the idea of Ellsworth thinking he didn't care about him and, judging by the younger man's tone, Oren suspected that was where his mind was. "I didn't come to you because I needed space then, and I didn't leave my quarters that day thinking 'I'm going to go and find someone to sleep with', okay? I just went for a drink. At the bar, I met Tyrion. I was bored, he offered and I thought 'It's been years, let's see if everything still works'. There was nothing romantic about it, or intimate. At least, to me, there is nothing intimate about sleeping with someone," Oren tried to explain.

"That's why I did it with a stranger and not someone I care about. It was...clinical." Oren shrugged, unsure if he was making any sense. Probably not.

"I don't know how to explain it," he admitted, sighing. "The other night," Oren tried again. "When we were together, and I told you how I felt about you and when we were dancing, that felt more intimate to me than any sex I've ever had. Okay?"

Ellsworth still felt upset, but Oren had a way of putting him at ease. He was earnest and genuine and open, which was no small feat for an "ordinary" person. The fact that he tried so hard for him meant a lot as it was far more than anyone had bothered with before. And he was here. The fact that he was here with him, physically, touching his body and trying to put his mind at ease said so much in his favor.

"Me, too, in some kind of way," Ellsworth admitted. He looked away again and flailed an arm behind him until he caught Oren's free hand. He very firmly and purposefully shoved it back into his own hair, making a pouty look that belied the seriousness of their conversation. "Nobody ever did that kind of thing for me."

He closed his eyes, focused on controlling his breathing and felt like he could fall asleep. Physically, he was comfortable; he was always content with Oren. But mentally, his mind was still very much struggling. He knew he should let go of his attachment to what he wanted and look at things from Oren's perspective, but that was beyond his reach at the moment. He wanted to say something, to vent, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. Instead, his forehead wrinkled from the effort of containing his thoughts and emotions. The more he thought about it, the more upset he felt. He understood what Oren was saying, but it just didn't matter. He chose someone else. He let someone else have that. It didn't matter if it was clinical to Oren because it wasn't clinical to Ellsworth. It was important to him, and Tyrion Faye just felt like a slap in the face.

"I'm trying not to be mad at you right now," Ellsworth said openly. "I know it's dumb, but it's how I feel. I can't help it." In truth, he did feel a little helpless, like a slave to his emotions. "It's hard being Betazoid. I've got hormones, okay?"

Oren smiled despite Ellsworth's obvious frustrations. He just always looked so cute to Oren, all pouty and huffy. It was adorable. "I know you do," he said with a fond look on his face as he watched Ellsworth's squirm in his lap. "I know how it look from your end. Like, I picked someone over you," Oren said, running his fingers through Ells' hair.

"But I promise, I didn't." Leaning down, Oren pressed a warm kiss to Ellsworth's brow. "It's not dumb for you to be mad. I know it's hard for Betazoids to understand how I feel about it."

Ellsworth huffed, as if 'hard to understand' was an understatement. He raised up, twisted around and then crawled until he was in Oren's lap. He straddled him comfortably and then pushed the El Aurian against the back of the couch, pinning him in place. He eased forward until they were only a few inches apart and fixed him with a very serious look.

"Listen, here's how it's gonna be, Dr. Oren Idris," he began, looking for all the world like he was suddenly in charge of everything in the room, "I'm gonna be mad at you for a couple of days. Cuz, I just am. Every time I close my eyes, I'm gonna see you and him, and I bet it's just gonna make me mad all over again. And if I see Tyrion Faye...well, I'll puff my chest up and probably say something stupid, so be prepared for that." Ellsworth slid his arms around Oren's neck and hooked them together behind his head; he could be mad as hell and probably still want physical affection. He scooted forward in his lap and planted a kiss on the tip of Oren's nose. "But I love you. And..." He cut his eyes to the side. "I, uh, want you to stay with me tonight. Even though I'm mad at you. And also tell me I'm not a horrible person for sleeping with Wintrow. Tell me I'm beautiful and sweet instead. And buy me chocolates. And wrap your arms around me in bed tonight, even though I'll slap at you for a little bit and tell you to stop. But don't stop, okay?"

Looking somewhere else seemed to make the requests easier. He felt like he was in emotional limbo - angry with Oren but unable to bring himself to be angry at him, torn between what was here in front of him and what was presently wandering around Main Engineering. The jealous, possessive, nasty side of him - the side he preferred to think didn't exist - wanted to track down Tyrion Faye and punch him in the face. Some other part wanted to forgive Oren immediately, to give in to his green eyes and strong hands. Something spiteful told him to go to the ship's lounge and hit on the first guy he saw, or just find K'os and... Another part urged him to tear at Oren's pants and give in to angry lust. And finally, the better part of him encouraged understanding and patience - the entire experience was in many ways new to both of them, and this was likely to be only the first of many impasses. The balance he found was in admitting almost all of it out loud; somehow revealing his anger gave him a sense of release but asking for the intimacy helped temper the edge of it. Besides, if he was wrapped in the El Aurian's arms all night then he was much less likely to think about him.

When Ellsworth climbed into his lap and pressed him against the seat, Oren couldn't help the panic that rose inside him at the sudden change in dynamic. The idea of slipping out from under the Betazoid's grasp took over his thoughts for the first few moments until he managed to relax once Ellsworth took the position no further. He knew Ellsworth would never hurt him, but the feeling of being trapped under someone he might not be able to win a struggle against was at the forefront of his mind immediately brought on by too many bad memories.

Once he managed to settle his emotions and focus back on Ellsworth's words, he watched him look away. The vulnerability of the action and it's accompanying request made Oren relax finally and he ran a comforting hand over Ellsworth's side. When he finished, Oren tentatively slid his arms around his middle to lift himself from the back of the couch and towards Ellsworth. Maneuvering them a little, he tried to get his attention to focus back on Oren's face.

"I won't stop. I promise," he said softly. "And you're not a horrible person for sleeping with Wintrow. I know you would never do anything to hurt someone else," Oren added, sure of what he was saying. Despite Ellsworth's immature outbursts and impulsive nature, Oren knew the Betazoid didn't have a rotten bone in his body. Unlike himself, Oren couldn't imagine Ellsworth doing anything to another person that could be seen as untoward.

He allowed the comfortable silence to envelop them once more as he let Ellsworth work through his feelings a little longer. Then, with a playful smirk overtaking his youthful face, he leaned over and kissed Ellsworth's jaw. "For the record, you really are beautiful. And your body is perfect."

Ellsworth smiled shyly and relaxed as Oren relaxed. The spike in tension had caused an attending rise in his own anxiety and softened only when Oren had worked his way through Ellsworth's actions. It had never occurred to him that it might make him uncomfortable, given the subject matter, to have a young Betazoid in his lap, but then again he was never very good at considering others when he was so focused on his own needs.

"I know," Ellsworth said with flippant, mock confidence.

He leaned forward and buried his face into the side of Oren's neck. It was hard always struggling to be in control and self-sufficient, to never let your guard down, but there was a peace in it, he found, if you could manage to allow yourself to do it. Being at ease with someone, leaning on them instead of the other way around, was profound and new. Even with K'os he'd felt like he had to be the stronger one at times, just to balance out the half-Vulcan's intense emotional imbalance. Ugh, why did he keep cropping up? Why couldn't he just forget him and be happy with Oren? The El Aurian was the first person in his life that he felt like he could potentially be safe with, despite how rocky the boat could be sometimes, so why couldn't he just be satisfied?

But above all he was still mad at him, he reminded himself, and very gently bit the El Aurian's neck to let him know the same. There were many other things weighing on his mind that he felt compelled to speak with him about, chief among them how they might work to move forward together given the reappearance of a certain half-Vulcan, but for now it seemed like they'd crossed enough bridges for one day.

[OFF]

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

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