Unfaithful

Posted on 10 Feb 2015 @ 11:48pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

1,309 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 4, Quarters 04-2523 EN
Timeline: MD45: 2359hrs

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True to his words he'd fought against Oren, weakly, before settling into his embrace. A bedsheet lay cool over their still bodies, and Ellsworth had been listening to the sound of Oren's breathing for more than hour. He'd pretended to be asleep himself, just to put the El Aurian at ease enough that he would slip into his own slumber, but he knew there would be no sleep for him tonight or any other night as long as that ribbon of fire stretched to him.

He'd hoped he would forget about K'os in those arms, but he didn't. Ellsworth had even insisted they forego their pajamas in exchange for mere undergarments, hoping that if there were enough points of contact between them that he would bond to Oren and sever the cord. For as much as intercourse was uninteresting to him, he knew the other man could at least take some delight in physical stimuli. He'd run his hands all over the El Aurian's body, looked deep into his eyes, kissed him, hugged him, made him smile. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't make Oren transform into whatever he needed in that moment. It still felt fundamentally wrong to think of another man while in his arms, but he found himself making no real move to resist it. If anything, he welcomed the thoughts and let them flow into him and through him and over him. He surrendered his mind to K'os just as quickly and willingly as he'd always surrendered his body; it made him disgusted with himself even as he sank deeper and deeper into it.

He couldn't sleep. But he did fall into a half sleep once where his telepathy seemed to take on new life. He ran his hand up and down Oren's arm but it wasn't Oren's arm that he saw or felt beneath his fingertips. It was K'os'. He could feel the distinct Vulcanoid muscles below the skin, see the ever so slight hybrid pigmentation of his arms. In that hazy space it felt good to have that arm across his belly, tight and protective and possessive. He wanted it to tame him and claim him. Or... Did K'os want to tame and claim him? He pulled his mind back and frowned. It had slipped too far beyond his own thoughts and into K'os' mind, leaving him confused about who was feeling what.

The realization that it was actually the thinner El Aurian's arm around him jolted him fully and completely awake again, like a splash of cold water to the face. He hated himself for it. Hated that when he fell into that half sleep he could feel K'os' hand on his hips, sliding intimately across his skin. He knew it wasn't even his own thoughts, that his mind and K'os' mind crossed the veil and entered that space of togetherness - my thoughts to your thoughts - between the realms of sleep and wakefulness and mixed despite the bulkheads between them.

As much as he hated it he also loved that K'os reached out for him, occasionally during the day and almost constantly thus far in the night. It was arousing in a way that Oren could never be, as it almost seemed he'd evolved beyond that. There was no hot blood running through his veins, just the tempered wisdom of several decades and a heart full of love, compassion, and concern.

Ellsworth realized the bedsheets were irritating him. The material felt like a thousand insects crawling on his skin, and he was hot despite the room's comfortable temperature. He wanted to throw them off his body and jump to his feet and scream at the night, but he was afraid to disturb Oren with his movement. Instead, he slowly and carefully rolled on to his side so that he was face-to-face with the El Aurian. He looked beautiful when he was asleep - at peace, not battling his own demons. He fought the urge to reach out and touch his face, run his hand through his hair, kiss his lips. The longer he looked at him the calmer he felt until eventually his body cooled and the sheets stopped disturbing him.

He felt a gentle warmth spread in his chest and recognized it as love. He loved Oren, he did. He cared for him, even though he'd been hurt by him. It made his heart beat a little faster and his smile broaden just a bit. Oren could make him laugh. He was sexy when he talked about nerdy stuff and shared his passions, ninety percent of which Ellsworth didn't understand but it still made him want to grab his face and kiss him anyway. He was prone to depression and self-doubt, but Ellsworth even loved that as it gave him a role to fill. He had beautiful eyes, the one place where you could actually see his true age.

Ellsworth's smile grew until his lips parted and he started to lean over to kiss Oren in his sleep, but he froze in place as every bit of what he'd just felt was gone in a flash. K'os had moved in his quarters, started to pace the floor. He could feel it in the back of his mind, like an annoying itch you'd scratched a thousand times but it just kept coming back. He closed his eyes in frustration and tried not to cry, afraid to wake Oren, afraid to have to explain himself. Why couldn't he just go away? Why did he have to come back? Things were almost perfect and then he showed up and ruined everything.

As long as he was here, he worried he'd never find peace with Oren. K'os would always be there, somewhere on the ship. No, not 'somewhere.' He'd always know exactly where, and it would drive both of them to madness. He hated him so much in that moment, but the more the hate built the more confused he got about it. One minute he'd imagine striking K'os repeatedly, taking out all his pent up frustration, only for the image to degenerate into the tearing of clothes and the two of them trying to press every square inch of themselves together to speed up the formation of their telepathic link. The saddest part was that it wasn't even lust that drove the thoughts. If it was just base instinct, he was well acquainted with that and felt like it was something he could easily brush aside. But this transcended those needs into something higher, like K'os could truly fulfill him.

And it made him hate himself all over again. Especially laying next to Oren, the man caught between, dragged into this bed by his stupid, needy...whatever Ellsworth was. Boyfriend. Tormentor. Abuser. User. The inner conflict was making him feel sick and desperate to do something - anything - to shut it all down. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Oren's, lightly, hoping to feel something that would push K'os out of his mind forever. But Oren just stirred, turned, mumbled something and then wiggled backwards until his body was against Ellsworth. There was something so moving about how normal and domestic that was that it squeezed his chest like a heavy weight. He was breaking his own heart, and he was afraid that in some way he might end up breaking Oren's, too. Ellsworth made a silent gasp for air and held his breath, unable to make the muscles move for fear of letting out a choked sob. Gravity pulled a tear from his eye and it hit the bed with a muffled sound, the first of many to come.

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PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

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