A Crack In The Shell

Posted on 25 Aug 2014 @ 4:38pm by Commander Andreus Kohl & Lieutenant Elijah Williams IV, M.Sc.

3,475 words; about a 17 minute read

Mission: Episode 06 - Legend of Souls
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 4, Geology Lab
Timeline: MD 07 - 1520 hours

[ON]

"I feel like my eyelids are made of sandpaper," whined Andreus Kohl, and he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. He was standing at a large bulkhead-mounted LCARS display, and he had to look away from it. Kohl shook his head and took a couple of steps away from the console. He took care not to step on the mound of Tribbles on the floor. Glancing back, raw sensor data from the Lyshan III mines was still scrolling across the screen. If the sensor readings were anymore basic, they would have been ones and zeroes.

Sitting at one of the workstations, multiple PaDDs in front of him, Elijah looked up at the tall Argelian. "Welcome to my world," he said and then smiled. "Maybe you should like not keep staring. Give your eyes a break, walk away and then come back to it. Why don't you have a seat." He reached over and patted the stool next to his own. "Want anything to drink?"

"Tea," Kohl said like an addict on the brink. As vices went, tea was right up there with alcohol in Andreus Kohl's books. His shoulder's hunched, Kohl trudged across the room on feet that were far more unsteady than usual. He dropped himself on the stool, and slid it closer to Elijah. "I could murder an entire pot of tea."

"Becareful with that line of thinking mister, the tea police could throw you into the brig for that kind of talk," Elijah said as he scooted off the stool and moved toward the replicator. He ordered up a pot of tea and a mug of coffee for himself. He wasn't much of a coffee drinker but he had been pulling practically double shifts and the bitterness combined with the caffeine kick, pushed him into gear. The replicator hummed and the items he ordered appeared. Bringing it over he set the tea pot and a mug infront of the ACSO and holding his own mug sat back on the stool. "So, how are things?" he asked as he brought the mug to his lips and sipped the hot, dark liquid.

Absently, Kohl swiped his hand over the flat workstation beneath his teapot to temporarily shut down the LCARS interface. His sapphire eyes betrayed his thoughts were curling inwards and outwards with the same immateriality as the steam rising from the tea pot's spout. "I don't-- I don't even know, really," admitted Kohl. He sounded surprised by the admission. Surprised by the fact of it, but also by the sharing of it. "I think a lot. I think too much about.. about myself. I'm an avid personal logger," Kohl said. His eyes met Elijah's eyes as he did so. "And yet, I don't know how I'm doing. As soon as I finish writing a report, I pick up a hypospray. As soon as I've discharged the hyospray, I'm hunting for Tribbles in the jefferies tubes. And then I only come out of jefferies tubes to suit up for away missions... I don't know how I'm doing with any of it."

Elijah had been a bit surprised at how open Kohl was being but he liked it, maybe it meant they were becoming friends and he liked that idea. He wanted to be friends with him. For a moment he thought about the Tribbles and his mood soured for just that moment. They friggin furry little beasts were everywhere. "That sounds like a lot? Do you think you are taking on too much?" He had hoped that wasn't a dumb question, but to him it seemed like to much to place on oneself.

"Uhhhhm," was all Kohl could say at first. As Kohl continued to study Elijah's grey eyes, he found Elijah's open and accepting manner to be terribly disarming. It just sort of spilled out, when he said, "I am taking on too much. I am." --He nodded, and it was a movement slowed by fatigue-- "I'm probably desperate to prove they didn't make a mistake when they promoted me."

"I can understand that," Elijah said. He constantly tried to prove himself, he knew he was a hard worker and that logically he was doing good but still there was that little, scared child still in him that feared his father's hand if he didn't do something right. "I guess how I would look at it is that you proved yourself before your promotion and that is what got you that promotion." He looked away for a moment and stared into his coffee mug, the dark liquid had cooled considerably. He then turned his attention back to Kohl, their gazes meeting again. "One thing I have learned in life is that you can only do the best you can, that putting too much pressure on yourself can have the opposite effect of what you want." He paused then continued, "If you keep going at this rate you are going to burn yourself out and then you won't be good to anyone at that point, including and more importantly, yourself."

"...Is it bad that being of no use to anyone is almost sounding good right about now?" Kohl asked. The sheepish manner of his question suggested he already knew the answer. Kohl rubbed his temples with the heels of his palms, when he reaffirmed, "Really good." His lips thinned into a wan smile, and Kohl poured himself his first cup of tea for the hour. "No responsibilities, no accountabilities, no caves with mystery body parts..."

"If only..." Elijah said, his words trailing. Sometimes he thought like Kohl. There were times he wanted to run away and just not look back. "At the moment it sounds like a nice idea, especially with all that is going on. I think we are all taxed to the limits." He stopped talking, mostly because he knew the other man knew all this. "Do you miss sickbay? I mean, do you miss working in sickbay?"

Kohl chewed on his lower lip, until he raised his cup up to take a sip. He looked down into the depths of the cup. "I still work in Sickbay," Kohl said, almost like a guilty child. "Or, I work in Sickbay also. Beta shift has been pretty quiet these days. Mostly, I listen to music, or design replicator recipes, or do my homework... but I haven't stopped practicing medicine."

"Oh... well... that's embarrassing," Elijah said. His cheeks colored lightly. "I had no idea you were also doing a duty shift in sickbay," he said. "No wonder you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders." He willed his embarrassment away then continued. "Even if there is not much activity on beta shift, it is still an extra responsibility that you are taking on." He then smiled. "Come up with any good recipes? Are you going to cook for me?"

"Of course I'll cook for you. What else is an Assistant Chief good for?" Kohl enthused. He sipped at his tea again, and then Kohl's sapphire eyes leveled Elijah with a studious stare. "What do you prefer? Savoury or sweet?"

Elijah didn't have a refined or sophisticated palette. He grew up in the south, in a traditional household. Dinner consisted of meat, potatoes and a vegetable with some sort of gravy and bread. Lots of fried, sauce heavy foods were served. "Savory," he said. He was surprised Kohl said yes, but was glad he did. "I'll bring the wine."

Kohl smiled at that. It was a curious kind of smile, but Kohl looked pleased all the same. "Elijah, you're a gem," Kohl remarked; "A meal isn't a meal until the wine is served."

"It's a date," Elijah then paused. "Well, I mean, not like a date date," he clamped his mouth shut. "I'll shut up now," he said sheepishly. After a moment of silence he then continued. "After all of this," he indicated some of the Tribbles, "It will be nice to just relax."

"...Remind me again," Kohl said slowly, and with a flush of innocence. As he did so, he turned on his stool until his knees bumped into Elijah's knees. "Why won't it be a date-date?"

Elijah looked down to where Andreus' knees bumped his own, then back up to those sapphire eyes. Was the other man messing with him? Joking? "I mean, well..." a nervous chuckle escaped. "I mean, I am under you," he closed his eyes, swallowed hard and tried to ignore how warm he was starting to get. Good grief man, get a hold of yourself, he thought to himself as he reopened his eyes to see the other man's eyes still on him.

"It can be challenging, certainly," admitted Kohl, but his eyes would not waver. His eyes bored into Eljiah's head. "But it's not against any regulations for you to be under me, when you're under me," remarked Kohl. Despite the childish turn of phrase, he sounded entirely serious. "Do you struggle to differentiate between your personal life and your duty?"

"I don't know," Elijah said. The way he said it, the tone of his voice, proved he was being genuine and honest in his response. "I mean, I would like to think I wouldn't have a hard time differentiating..." his words trailed. He thought back to his posting on Earth and how he kept to himself at his job. He did his work and then went home, he barely went out with any colleagues. "I suppose I am just ensconced in my shell, I don't always notice things."

"Are you afraid it would be overwhelming," Kohl asked, "to brave the wilderness, to brave a relationship, outside that shell?" There was an uncertainty behind Kohl's words. He was reaching for an explanation to Elijah's statement, because he couldn't profess to any real understanding of who Elijah was inside. Most of Kohl's conversations with Elijah were baffling, if not unpleasant.

What was Kohl up to? "Yes," he said simply and quietly. "I am afraid, really afraid," he shook his head as he kept his eyes on Andreus. "My parents destroyed me, made me feel like I was nothing, that I couldn't ever do anything right. Good grades, acceptance into the best schools, did what I was supposed to day in and day out and it was never, ever GOOD ENOUGH!" He slammed his fists onto the workstation and pushed himself up to a standing position. "Don't you think I want to be close to someone, don't you think I want more out of this life. Why do you think I am in this god damn lab so much. It's not just because it's my job, it's because I have to make sure I do a good job." Tears started to well but he brought up his arm and dragged his sleeve over his eyes. "I have no self worth, none and I don't think I ever will."

Elijah swallowed hard and sniffled. "My dad used to beat the hell out of me, it was to keep me... his children in line. Dermal regenerators and bone fusers could cover up the physical scars but never the emotional ones. If I didn't end a sentence with 'sir', I got hit, if I didn't get home on time I got hit, if I was reading a book that wasn't approved by him, I got hit. My mother... mother's are supposed to be nurturing and caring. Not mine. I think I got one compliment in 25 years, one!" He crossed his arms over his chest as if to hug himself. "See my eye color, no one on either side of my family has my shade of eye color. Instead of saying how unique it is, she berated it, made it more like a flaw then something that should be unique." He fell silent, the continuous knot he always experienced in his stomach seemed to loosen a bit. "So that is why I built a shell."

There was a wooshing sound, and the doors to the corridor opened wide. Petty Officer Trisant came striding into the lab, but Kohl was quick on his feet. He moved to meet Trisant in the doorway, and in an undertone, Kohl said, "Yeah, no, we need the lab to ourselves. You're going to have to find another lab. Quick as you can."

As soon as the potential spectator was figuratively kicked to the curb, Kohl turned to Elijah. Kohl rounded the central workstation and he came to stand behind Elijah, clasping one of the younger man's shoulders. Softly, Kohl encouraged, "Come on, sit down." As if to demonstrate, Kohl sat himself on a stool that was farther from Elijah than where he had been sitting before. Still, he faced Elijah head-on. "I know I was just talking about finding a natural balance between the personal and the professional, but I have to be your boss for a minute," said Kohl. "Have I been doing anything to make you feel uncomfortable?"

As Elijah took the seat he shook his head. A wave of relief washed over him, the dam broke and he just let all the turmoil and the bundled up emotion spill out. He thought about Andreus' question for a moment. The easiest answer would be to say no. But, there really wasn't an easy answer. "Mostly not," he said. "I think what happens is you at times make me face something I either have buried or don't want to deal with. I sometimes don't want to admit something or I get embarrassed or tongue tied and I know that can be difficult to deal with. When I asked when you were going to cook for me and you said you would, I was really glad you said you would."

Kohl had to smile at that last sentiment. There was relief in his expression, as if his eyes were saying, I'm glad you know I would. After holding Elijah's gaze for that long, Kohl tilted his head down. He studied the back of his hands while he drummed on his knees. When he spoke again, Kohl was replying to something else Elijah had said, a little bit earlier. "It's not, you know," Kohl said, and now he met Elijah's gaze. "It's not the slightest bit difficult when you get embarrassed or don't know what to say. I may be forthright with you, but I don't expect the same response as an LCARS interface. The silence is part of the answer."

All Elijah could do was nod, unsure of what to say. His outburst only moments earlier had simmered down but he had to admit that it felt good to just open the flood gates. Though, it was now out there but he knew Andreus wouldn't betray his trust. He was still quite competent but now he wondered if the other man would send him to the counselor. He would go and he wouldn't object, but it wasn't something he would want to do. He just hoped Andreus trusted him enough.

"As they say silence can say a lot," Elijah said. "I just am trying to keep my head above water, I really am. Plus, I am not used to anyone showing me such attention." His gaze held steady with Andreus'. "No one has ever tapped my knee like you just did."

Kohl smiled shyly, taking a moment to consider his actions from Elijah's perspective, rather than his own. "On Argelius, physical contact plays a larger role in communication than body language or spoken word. I have to admit, I have to tell you, it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing to you that it means to me... But I intended the communication all the same." --He smiled, a bit more genuinely now-- "You should take leave on Argelius. I regret not going when I had the chance this year."

Honestly, Elijah hadn't even thought of where he would go on leave. In fact, he hadn't even thought of leave period. He had a lot of days saved up already so it would be an option. "Maybe you could come with me."

"Well, obviously I'll come with you," Kohl declared, in both agreement and excitement. His posture relaxed, and he looked away from Elijah long enough to top up his cup of tea. "Who else could could tourguide you from the canyons of Argelius, to the urban splendor of the capital city, to the seedy underbelly, and then back again?"

"Sounds like fun," Elijah said. He had never been anywhere except for places on Earth. It'd be a good experience, it would allow him to broaden his horizons... as dumb as that probably sounded. "I look forward to it, though I am not sure how about going about on leave when you are assigned to a starship."

"Oh, it's simple. We fill out a form. We submit a request," Kohl explained. "That's the simple part. The request goes through layers and layers of approval, from our Department Head to the Captain to a minor deity. If we're approved, we spend a week on a shuttle for a few blissful days of Argelian cuisine and culture."

Elijah's first thought was that it was harder, or well more complicated then it seemed, but really it was just a request. "Okay then, just let me know when is a good time," he said. He knew some places were better to visit during certain times of the year, he wasn't sure if Argelius was one of those types of planets.

Slowly learning what Elijah's worldview, and upbringing, was like, Kohl chewed on his lower lip as he considered his words. "Elijah, Argelius is unlike any world you've known. My people..." --Kohl considered the ceiling for a heartbeat, as he thought about what he wanted to say-- "My people are eternally on shore leave. There is always something or someone to please you on Argelius. Nobody... works."

Well that is a new one, Elijah thought to himself. "Alright," he said slowly. "I understand, it will be a different experience for me but I want to go and experience it. Besides, I need to break free, I need to experience life or to be more accurate, start my life." He leaned forward and placed his elbows on the edge of the work station. He followed that with a shrug to his shoulders. "I can't keep struggling the way I always do. I know it's not about Argelius but it could be a good place to start to free myself from these invisible bonds that bind me."

"As I said, Elijah," Kohl said, in a preaching-to-the-choir timbre, "I would be thrilled to take you. It's the obvious choice." He grinned at Elijah --positively beaming-- and raised his tea cup to his lips for a quick sip.

Elijah nodded unsure of what to say further on the subject. He was glad Andreus wanted to go with him and that in a way was a relief. "Again, I look forward to it," he said after a few moments had slipped by in silence.

"You were right, you know," said Kohl. He waved a hand towards the sensor readings on the wall-mounted LCARS display. "I need a break from this project. And I'm in luck -- I over-committed myself to work on the tribble love song project too, anyway..." After standing from his stool, Kohl carried away his tea things to disperse them into the replicator system. As he walked back to the work area, he gave Elijah another squeeze on the shoulder, and then continued moving towards the door. "Please do let me know when you're... hungry some night," said Kohl. "I'm sure my roommate won't mind if I have you over."

Something happened when Elijah felt his shoulder being touched... he didn't tense up at the touch. Normally that would have been his first physical response to touch. That was a good sign, right? His mind shifted then. A tribble love song? That intrigued him and he would make a mental note to ask Andreus about it when they did finally meet for their meal. "Sure, I'll be sure to let you know," his hand went down to his abdomen and he patted. "I tend to be hungry a lot." He gave Andreus a small smile. "Also... thank you for, for... listening."

"Thank you for sharing what you have to say," said Kohl from the door, "with me.

Elijah gave a slight nod, his smile just broadening ever so slightly. Once Andreus had left, he turned back to his work, feeling slightly less like the world was on his shoulders.

[OFF]

Lieutenant Andreus Kohl
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

&

Lieutenant JG Elijah Williams, IV
Geologist
USS Galileo

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