Psychological Introductions

Posted on 02 May 2012 @ 6:21pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant JG Brayden White Ph.D.

8,262 words; about a 41 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 2 - Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD04 -1710

[ON]

Having somehow survived her medical evaluation in one piece Kiri was due for her next appointment of the day. There wasn't really much point in going to do something else for just five minutes. So with a deep breath she made her way to the turbolift, her steps quick and purposeful. Not very many people seemed to be around, in the turbolift to deck two she was alone. On the ship as a whole she only knew three people, now four by anything more than name. The officers and a few other people she knew by name and maybe face. People in the corridors would be busy, fact everyone should be busy. There was a lot on the ship to get done. Taking time off at times she was meant to didn't really make sense to Kiri. Besides, didn't most people think the same way that she did?

It was those thoughts that carried her to the councillors office, this was a new experience for her. Other than her personality profile at the academy she had never seen a councillor, she had no idea what it would really be like. So it was with apprehension that the girl with dark brown hair pressed on the door chime. Her fingers wriggling a little with nerves. She was four minutes early, while efficient would it be rude?

Brayden had been gratified that his memo hadn't fallen on deaf ears. Or blind eyes, he supposed he should say. Either way, the point was that crewmen were beginning to contact him to schedule their mandatory evaluations. He fished a slice of mango from the bowl the replicator had provided him and chewed thoughtfully as he tried to figure out the best system for organizing the notes of the ship's personnel. Not just for himself, but for whoever would come in to replace him when the time came. He didn't want to have to scramble to organize things for whoever they were once the change came. And the office. If he was going to work in here, he supposed he should personalize it a little. The chime notified him that someone was there and he looked up; hadn't he left the door open? "Come on in," he called, crossing to his desk to press the button that opened the door. "Sorry about that. I'd meant to leave it open. You're..." He searched her face and ran through the memories of personnel pictures he'd just looked through. "Ensign Cho, yes?"

Open or not, Kiri had been brought up not to enter someone else's room without invitation, even if it was their work place. With the go ahead she did so looking around to the desk and the man behind it. Still rather shaken from her last appointment up stairs she was unsure what she was meant to be doing here. Was he just going to ask her questions or was she meant to have them? She hated not knowing and disorder in her own thoughts, why couldn't everything be as obvious as a sensor scan? Was that what it was like for telepathic races? She envied them.

Now standing in the middle of the room, seeing that the man wasn't wearing a rank badge she stammered for a moment before addressing him the same anyway, "Yes sir, I'm sorry I'm early for my appointment." Her discomfort was a little clear on her face, mixed in with her general confusion at the situation.

He shook his head, "There's no need to apologize. You're welcome here whenever you like, except when there's a session in progress. As you can see, there isn't." He smiled, leaning on the edge of his desk. "Take a seat wherever you're comfortable," he offered, indicating the three chairs and sofa in the room. It was always better to let someone choose where they felt most comfortable. "How would you like to just call me Brayden? Then I'll call you Kiri, and we can start from there."

Why was this? At the academy everyone seemed fine to call her Cadet Cho, those that did not for the most part would call her Kiri or Cho for brevity. It seemed that half the people on the ship only wanted to be known by their first name. It was troublesome. With a smile she politely took his offer and perched on the edge of one of the chairs. Knees together and hands in her lap, back straight. It was her paternal grandmother that taught her to sit like this, though that was kneeling on the floor rather than chairs. Kiri's mother wasn't Chinese but the rest of her family seemed to her to be very much so. Thin, polite smile still on her face she waited for Brayden to speak, maybe explain what was to happen today.

He stayed still, watching her with a relaxed, understanding expression. She was tense, he could tell that much from her posture. After a little silence, he offered her another smile. "What have you been up to today?"

That wasn't to bad, today was just like every other day, bar the two appointments she had this afternoon. Pausing to collect all the information in her head she answered, "A six-hundred hours I got up and reported to the main sensor suite at six-fifteen. I ran sensor analysis on several findings I have made and completed a duty report for next week. My shift started at eight-hundred and I worked right through either on the bridge or the sensor suite until thirteen hundred when I reported to Lieutenant Hilyer for my medical evaluation Then I came right here." Other than drinking water and a few bathroom breaks, that was indeed everything she had done today. Like normal she hadn't eaten anything but then she didn't need to. It was an efficient work schedule she kept, after this she would go back to it until around midnight.

Brayden nodded, listening attentively. "Do you usually report to your station a couple hours ahead of your shift?" he asked.

Knowing that most people didn't do this with some pride she answered, "Yes, always. There is always a lot to do." Even when there was nothing visible, there was always something to be recorded or looked at, and even if there wasn't then that was something of itself.

"What shifts are you assigned to?" he asked. "Alpha, obviously, but after that?"

This was information he had access to wasn't it? Why ask her? With a moments thought she answered, "Twice a week I am on Beta shift and once a week on Gamma, though I would like to change that soon. I like to be on duty as much as possible."

"Why do you think that is?" Brayden asked, interested.

Because it was good. It was right to work hard and do your best, what was the answer he was looking for? Without thinking this time she answered, "The limiting factor in how much work I can get done is time. I try to work as hard as I can all the time but I can only get so much done. If I spend more time at work, I get more done." To her this was the answer, any deeper than that was a scary level of contradiction and introspection that she kept boxed away inside most of her life.

"I can understand that," he nodded. "There never does seem to be enough time, does there? Would you mind telling me a little about your work?" he asked, smiling, then poured a glass of water. "Would you like something to drink?"

The question was easy, the offer wasn't. Kiri was a little thirty but should she accept an offer from a stranger. Even if they were in uniform, it was replicated and the same water as everywhere else on the ship. It was his, while it was polite to offer it to her, was it polite for her to accept it? This was the sort of dilemma that she disliked dealing with but couldn't avoid when people were around, what would make him happy? For a few seconds she thought about it, "A small sip would be nice, thank you." With that done she visibility relaxed a little and answered, "I am a science officer so I cover a range of fields but my specialisms are interstellar phenomenon, mathematics, physics and computing. I normally work on the bridge sensor station or in the sensor suite on deck five. When needed I also work in the science labs and could be made disposable to the engineering department for computer or sensor matters. Most of my time is spent observing and cataloguing everything we come across and conducting more detailed investigations." That covered just about everything she had and could do on the ship.

It was interesting, he thought, that little pause before answering. How much thought had gone into that one acceptance of water, he wondered. Keeping his attention on her, he brought her the glass of water and then went back to pour himself one. "What interested you in following that course of study?"

This answer also came easily, it wasn't one that required thought, "It is what I am good at, I can't imagine doing anything else." That part of her life was easy, she just did what she was good at. Being good at things was fun, space was fun, discovering things and learning about them. Deep down, she knew it was because it was lots of work, it was something she could bury herself in. To hide inside.

"You're lucky to have such a clear vision of what you want to do. A lot of people have a hard time finding their place." He moved to one of the chairs near her and took a seat, sipping his water. "How do you spend your off-shifts?"

Kiri tried to think of what he meant a little, "I keep carrying out my duties until I go to sleep. There is more than enough to fill my time with analysing readings." She felt slightly more uncomfortable now he was closer, he wasn't even in a uniform, was he with Starfleet?

Brayden watched her. When he'd joined her on her side of the room, she'd suddenly tensed up again, which was a shame, since it had seemed like she was starting to settle in. "Is that something you don't feel comfortable talking about? Your time not on duty?"

Kiri didn't like people misunderstanding her, or taking different meanings from her actions. It happened all the time though, because she was quiet and reserved, her movements small. This was another reason why people were not her strong point, "Not at all, but I consider myself always on duty other than when I sleep. So there isn't anything to talk about, sorry." It seemed that was the topic she wanted to talk about, but there really wasn't anything she could say. Her positioning remained the same sitting upright and proper, it was the most time she had spent sitting down not in front of a console in a long time. It felt frightfully unproductive.

Brayden set his glass down on a small table beside him and folded his hands, thoughtfully. She was fresh out of academy; it was possible she was overworking in an attempt to prove herself amidst a more seasoned crew. But she hadn't really told him enough for him to make a judgement as to whether that was the case or whether there was some kind of avoidance at work. "There's no need to be sorry." He smiled, gesturing to himself. "You see this. No uniform. No... what do you call them... pips? I'm a counselor, a therapist, and a medical officer. Nothing that you say in here is going to leave this office or my notes; it won't go in your file; it won't be seen by your CO or the captain. You're completely free to say whatever you want and it won't affect your record one way or the other." He opened his hands, palm up, "So why don't you tell me what you'd like to talk about?"

This was what she didn't want. Talking was not her strong point, there were no topics she had other than sensor reviews. Most people didn't want to talk about that, and she did nothing else. She had no social life, nothing happened to her outside of work. Her family life was personal and happy, she was mostly happy with her life. Anyone getting inside her head seemed unwelcome at this point. There was nothing to talk to a stranger about, even if they promised it would remain here. After silence for several long seconds she replied, "I can not think of anything at all I'm afraid." As long as she was answering questions this was easy.

"Okay, well. The offer is there, if you think of anything." He smiled and sat back, "So let's go back to what you were saying before. You're interested in changing your shifts?"

Taking a sip of the small amount of water she had Kiri nodded again, "Yes. I plan on taking some extra training so I can spend more time on the bridge. To get more experience I think working more Gamma shifts would be a good idea." She wasn't sure if being an officer was what she wanted but it would let her do more of what she wanted. If she was a captain some day, she could spend all day every day looking at sensor scans and taking data readings on a survey vessel. It would also give her more work to do.

"So you're hoping to rearrange your schedule to Alpha and Gamma?" he asked, just to clarify. "And take some extra training during your Gamma shifts?"

"Well, really I'd like to do it in addition to my current duties, training would be something I do while not on duty," It was an idea in the works but after a few weeks training while doing a little less work in her free time on the sensors she could move her time around.

"What sort of extra training are you interested in taking?" He remembered her Academy record showing full marks in all her courses before she'd matriculated and been assigned to the Galileo.

This was a topic that was a little embarrassing, talking about her hopes like this wasn't something she really liked. Still it was nice to talk about it and maybe it would help, "Tactical and Helm training for now, so if something was to happen I could do the right thing about it." Academy training was one thing but it seemed a better idea to have a range of field practice and training befor the unlikely situation came up.

"Are you interested in transferring to a position in Tactical or Flight Control?" he asked, wondering if she'd discovered so quickly that the job she'd studied for and been assigned to wasn't actually what she wanted to be doing.

"No, not at all. I am an Ensign. If I am on the bridge and the tactical officer is incapacitated, I may be required to take their place. If that happens I want to be able to do the best possible job I can." She smiled thinking about it, but she wasn't a soldier, "I am a scientist, but before that I am a Starfleet Officer."

"Is that something you're concerned about? Having to take over positions you're unfamiliar with?"

"Yes, I don't want to perform badly, more so when the entire ship could depend on my action." Part of her wanted to ask him the same question, that would seem a little rude though. It was perfectly normal to want to improve ones self. It was the entire guiding principle of the Federation.

"Right," he nodded slowly. "But there's an entire Flight Control department. And a Tactical department. People who specialize in those positions, just as you specialize in your field of sensor analysis. So... is your interest in training in those fields based in a genuine interest in them? Or are you..." he circled his thumb slowy, sorting through ways to ask the question. "...concerned that the personnel in those departments may not be up to the task?"

They likely could do their jobs fine it wasn't her concern, "Indeed that is true, but it takes at least twenty seconds for additional personnel to reach the bridge, maybe longer if there are extenuating circumstances. During that time I might be required to man that station until they arrive. I don't see a down side to learning how to do it and Starfleet must think it necessary, else it wouldn't have been part of my basic training." She didn't really know why but she was feeling rather defensive about this, "I don't see myself being in a combat situation, but I'm still trained to use a phaser. It makes me a better resource to Starfleet"

"And that's how you see yourself? As a resource?"

"When taken in the context of the ship and the Starfleet as a whole, yes." She didn't see anything wrong with what she said. On that scale she was just a cog in the machine and her job was to be the most efficient cog possible. To never catch or stick, to keep perfect time. Kiri thought of herself was herself, still she wanted to improve and be better. Though she didn't know it, that was something intrinsically Trill. To strive to great hight, to be good enough to be joined. Something that really she had only known in passing.

"Why don't you tell me about yourself outside the context of the ship and Starfleet," he offered, curious.

"That depends," Talking to him about personal matters wasn't something she wanted to do, but if it made him happy and was what this was all about. Looking uncomfortable again she asked, "What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you'd like to tell me," he told her simply.

That didn't help at all, making conversation was hard enough most of the time, "Well, I guess. I like working, I don't like not working. I like my mothers cooking and my bed on Earth." She was starting to feel extremely useless, embarrassed that she was being forced to attempt conversation when she knew she couldn't do it. Couldn't he see that? That she was uncomfortable, her knees clenched tight together.

Brayden watched her carefully. "Good. That's great. Thank you for sharing that," he fought the impulse to lean in and follow the lead. She needed space. He kept his expression relaxed and expectant. "What is your favorite thing that your mother cooks?"

Kiri was still very uncomfortable, it felt like he was patronising her. Still her answer came, her voice wobbling a little bit, "Egg fried rice, finely chopped steak and fried wild mushrooms," At home her mother cooked every meal from scratch. There wasn't a replicator in their house, there were only a few in the village. The local power grid wasn't stable enough for them to work all the time, plus her grandparents wouldn't have approved.

As her voice gave, Brayden fought the urge to frown. Obviously she was comfortable talking about her work, but that wasn't the point of these interviews. The point was, so far as he'd been given to understand, to make sure that each member of the crew was happy and fulfilled and able to do their job. He didn't doubt her competence, but the references she'd made to working unless she was sleeping gave him the impression she could cheerfully work herself to death for what she saw as the benefit of Starfleet. At that rate, she wouldn't last long on active duty. He'd been trying to allow her to speak to him about her obvious tension on her own, following the topics she brought up as a means of getting her to open up and feel comfortable. Except nothing seemed to be working and now he'd apparently worked her to an emotional edge by following the line to her mother's cooking. Carefully, he focused on controlling his expression and donning his therapy face; I hear you, I understand you, and I can help you, he thought. Just let me in. "Kiri," he said her name quietly and calmly. "I see you and I hear you and I understand that something is upsetting you. But I can't help you with that unless you tell me what it is. Can you do that? Just take a breath and tell me what's the matter?"

What? No! Kiri couldn't really tense up any more but if she could she would. One of the things she didn't do was talk about herself, not about her insides. Not to anyone. That was the way she felt it should be, no one talked to her about their thoughts. Her voice was still quiet but it was uncharacteristic firm tone, defensive and a little scared, "I'm fine, I don't have any problems." She didn't understand why he was pushing for this. On the inside she didn't want to open up, her problems were silly as she saw them. A long time ago she hid them all away and most of them hadn't come up since.

"I didn't say you 'had problems'. But it is clear that you're upset about something." Brayden stayed exactly where he was. "Is that something that concerns you - that someone might think you have problems? Do you know that's a very common concern, especially in Starfleet, but really everywhere. It's not unusual to worry about how we're perceived. Would you like to talk some more about that?" He paused, waiting. After about a minute, he smiled, "You and I have another forty minutes or so on the schedule. We could sit here and say nothing. Would you prefer that?"

Kiri was getting quite frustrated, part of her wanted to give him whatever he wanted. The other part wanted to keep all her thoughts where they belonged. The latter was the larger part, so for a rare occasion she replied with what she wanted. Her voice still quiet and upset, "I don't want to talk about it. I don't think that talking about it will help me." The idea of bringing up painful things she had forgotten about and found her own way of dealing with just fine. To her it was fine, even if it was rather unhealthy in reality. After a pause she asked, "Can't we talk about something else?"

Brayden nodded, "Of course we can; I am at your disposal." He hated seeing others upset, but it was a part of the job he'd chosen. Whether as a therapist or a doctor, he had been driven to fields where pain was a fairly constant thing and he knew that, more often than not, it didn't leave easily. Pushing her on the subject right now wouldn't do any good. All he could do was give her the space and knowledge in the safety of his work and the office to hopefully want to talk about whatever was hurting her at some point in the future. "What would you like to talk about instead?"

It had back tracked to where they were before. Still she didn't know what to do, what to talk about. If she had done anything other than work since she got here then maybe there would be. Kiri also had little idea what other people actually talked about. Since the threat of being forced to open up was looming rather nervously she asked, "Are you busy on the ship?"

"Sure," he agreed pleasantly. "It's been about a year since I was on a starship, but the last couple days have certainly gotten me back into the swing of things. This is your first deployment, isn't it?"

"Yes, other than a few training flights this is my first real positioning. Everything is a lot different from the Academy," She started to relax a little bit but clearly wasn't quite ready to let her guard down yet.

Brayden nodded. "I bet, I bet; I never went to Starfleet Academy, but I've heard it's quite a rigorous program. What are the differences you're finding?"

"I don't have lessons here at least in the same way, I'm left to do my own projects a lot more. But I still feel there is a lot to learn." With some consideration she added, "Isn't medical school similar to the academy?"

"I suppose," he said, considering the equation. "If you're thinking about it in terms of time commitment, stress, responsibility... Our work kept us mostly in labs, morgues, and hospitals. No phaser ranges or physical fitness courses. I enjoyed the course work, though, very much, despite the day to day stress of it. Maybe because of that. Do you miss having a set curriculum?"

"Not overly," She smiled and relaxed a little bit more, "I learnt a lot at the Academy maybe close to everything I could. But now I can spend time just doing what I want, rather than worrying about exams or assessments too much." While those things were still part of her life, she didn't feel at all worried about passing them.

"But there was a camaraderie too, wasn't there, in being in Academy? In medical school, I remember part of what I loved about it so much was the friends I made. Two of them became so close they're family. There was something so..." he braided his fingers, "knit about being in a class. Everyone was on the same playing field, in a way. We had set people to go to for guidance. Was Academy like that?"

That didn't really feel like her experience at the Academy at all. While she did meet some people she liked, even got along with did she consider any of them friends? Most didn't know her at a personal level, she focused entirely on doing as well as possible, not really talking to people or socialising. There was no point in lying about that, "My time at the Academy wasn't really like that. I focused on my studies I don't think I became very close to anyone. There were more important things to do."

"Like your class work? Exams? That sort of thing?"

"Yes," It seemed that he understood her right now, it was good. In truth though she hadn't had anyone she considered a friend in a few years, those she had in high school had started to move away from her.

"Was there anyone, during your time at Academy or before that, that you maybe wish you had around now, here?"

This was one that required more thought, the girls bottom lip retreated into her mouth for a moment while she mused, "No." She smiled a little nostalgically, "They all have their own lives, their own dreams. They aren't compatible with my own, though it would be nice if they were."

"Why do you say that?" he asked, attentive.

"Because it is nice to be with your friends isn't it?" She replied rather confused by the question.

"Sorry," he smiled, "sorry, I meant to ask, why you think their lives or their dreams aren't comparable with your own?"

"We wanted different things," She lamented slightly, "I wanted to travel into unknown space, at least into space with new things to be discovered. While my friends from high school weren't really interested in joining Starfleet."

"But the people in your classes, at the Academy, they were all interested in traveling into space, weren't they?"

"I suppose in most cases that would be true," The Trill was starting to lose track of the conversation. The people she had classes with weren't really what she considered friends, they were just classmates.

"Do you feel that, because your professional interests were going to take you away from Earth, that your relationships with your high school friends couldn't continue?"

It was partly her fault that she had grown away from her friends, but it wasn't that alone. Still she felt rather guilty about it, "My friends have their own lives with other friends they can spend time with. I talk to them sometimes but not very often any more. When I can't visit them very easily and we are all busy, its not the same. I had hoped that it would be easier than it has been." Now she was starting to look quite depressed though her body didn't do much than droop forwards a little.

"It's natural," Brayden said quietly, "to grow away from childhood friends as we grow up. As we go different places. That doesn't mean we have to lose them completely. I'm glad to hear you're keeping in touch with them from time to time. But I want to hear about you - you were at Academy, in officer training and studying the sciences, with people who shared either your specialty or your interest in space exploration. Did you ever want to socialize with them, outside of your classes?"

These seemed like very personal questions. Kiri didn't want to admit that she had problems with talking to people. As if it was something that people couldn't notice by talking to her for more than thirty seconds. Reluctantly she answered mostly truthfully, "Sometimes I thought about it, but I had to put my work first. I had to make the most of my time at the academy." She had, she ended up as a science officer on a ship that had the best facilities and exactly the equipment she wanted, the most advanced in the fleet. So what if she had turned down offers for parties or outings, they would had gotten in her way of getting here.

"And it seems like you did. You made the most of your time at the Academy. I don't have your records from there, but you must have done very well to get placed on this ship, virtually in control of your own work. No sensor supervisors checking up on you. It's impressive, to be given that much responsibility right out of training." He paused, "It's interesting that you say you put your work first. What came after your work in Academy?"

That wasn't something she had considered, her work took such a high percentage of her time up that everything else wasn't even secondary, still. There were some things that stood out more than others as time sinks, "In addition to my studies, I spent time taking addition classes. Learning Klingonese and Rihannsu, I also created analysis program adaptations so I could run more advanced research projects, then visiting my parents when I wasn't doing any of those things. I think that would be the order." She was proud of her achievements and yet, there was something missing, she knew that.

"For the sake of argument, would it be fair to say that the additional classes you took and the program adaptations... those things could be considered a part of your Academy work as they were done for the sake of improving your abilities within your Academy courses?"

"Okay, well I didn't really do much else," She smiled weakly. What she had said before sounded a little better than just saying she visited her parents sometimes and nothing else.

Brayden maintained eye contact, letting his own expression remain neutral and interested. "Earlier, you said that you don't like not working. Maybe we could talk a little more about that?"

Frowning slightly Kiri asked, "Okay. I don't really know how to go into more detail than that though." Was there that much more to saying that she liked working more than anything else?

"Well, what I'm wondering is why. What is it about the time you spend not in class or working on a project you dislike?"

"It is because it feels like time wasted," She seemed to be struggling to put herself into words, "There is always work I could be doing." Even if it meant she had to create work to do out of nothing. She neglected to say that interacting with people was what she was avoiding.

"When you spent time with your friends in high school and middle school, what did you do?"

"Most of the time we just worked on school work together. If we had to go shopping sometimes we went together." Being friends with two Vulcans logic lent itself well to efficiency. They were her closer friends, she resisted going to more wasteful things with other friends.

"And what was that experience like for you? Shopping with them?"

The questions were on a level that were starting to get to her now. Being so personal and about things that inside did hurt. Kiri was lonely but she didn't know how to let people in, that to do so wasn't a weakness. That she would have to create a hole in her protective shell of work to let them in. A shell that for a long time was just about all that was holding her together. Sounding and looking more upset she replied, "It's less efficient, but fun, I enjoyed it." There weren't tears, it was starting to feel that it might approach that though. For the first time she broke eye contact and looked at her knees for a few seconds. Trying to gather herself together.

Brayden watched her as she looked away. For a while, he allowed her to sort through her thoughts. The point wasn't to throw her off balance or hurt her; it was to help her come to a realization about what she wanted and needed on her own. "Why do you think that memory upset you?"

Why did they have to talk about this of all things? It was painful and it hurt, she was doing just fine before without people talking about her painful memories and feelings. Though it was abnormal for her, Kiri was starting to dislike him. Looking uncomfortable again she replied, "I miss doing things like that." She could feel herself starting to slip into a spiral that she had been avoiding for all this time.

He watched her body language, the slight narrowing of her eyes. Not a realization then. She knew what she was doing, pouring work on like concrete to insulate herself from experiences she thought she either couldn't or shouldn't have socially. The question was why, as that deprivation was clearly making her unhappy. Biding his time, he waited to see if she had anything more to add.

Kiri was teetering on the edge of keeping the control that she had kept for the last nine years. So far she had gotten by without questioning herself too much, by ignoring the parts she didn't like. Every time she had a problem or found something she didn't like about her life, she could just fill that with more work. As long as she was busy, those things didn't matter. Being lonely didn't matter, being sad or afraid didn't matter. It had allowed her to be the stronger person she wanted to be, she had gotten everything she wanted. If she admitted fault here, then what she had done was wrong. Such a big wrong for someone that was almost always right. Someone that considered even the smallest failure a big blow. Looking down at that made her brain switch to self preservation.

Fight or flight, and since she could hardly fight this situation, she wanted to run. To run as far away from this man as she could, to hide her self in so much work that she would drown. Where it was comfortable and safe, where her footing wouldn't be pulled out from under her. It came into direct conflict with what she considered polite, the social responses that had been drilled into her since birth. Still with a look of anguish she stood up, biting her lip and careless steps almost drifted her towards the door. Her direction changed though, leaving her in the middle of the room. Tears were starting to well as she looked at the man in the grey suit again, "I don't want to talk about it any more." She had made the choices she made. Choices that she felt was right without hindsight, choices that lead her quickly to what she wanted and were the most comfortable. She would never had suspected they would leave her so vulnerable and under equipped to deal with other elements of her life. Asking for help on a matter like this was completely alien to her at the best of times, let alone with the chaos that had been unleashed on her mind.

Slowly, with great care, Brayden stood up, keeping his eyes on Kiri. "That's okay," he assured her, carefully beginning an approach while trying not to spook her. "We don't have to talk about it right now." He stopped a few feet away from her and offered her his hand. If she wanted contact, she could take it. If she didn't, he hoped it wouldn't feel like it was being forced on her.

Kiri felt like she was adrift in a storm without a keel right now. Forced to realise it she was lonely and scared, that she wasn't as strong as she thought. It look almost thirty seconds for her to wipe her eyes and regain her composure properly. With a deep breath she looked at the out reached hand and and considered it for a long few seconds. The implications, what she might be saying by taking it, the fact she had never had much in the way of physical contact with anyone other than her mother. Who was this man to offer contact with her? Deciding that staying was the right thing to do, that taking his hand would be confirming that, she very gingerly did so. Kiri's fingers grazed against his lightly, her touch very soft but quite cold. In her eyes she submitted, still finding it very hard to look him in the face for more than a second at a time.

Brayden didn't move. Her hand was cold, like ice, but the room was warm. Something Trill, he wondered, or some sign of anemia? No. Counselor, he reminded himself. Not medical officer. Kiri had initiated physical contact, tentatively, and he didn't want to take any action that might make her regret that decision or question it. It was her session, her choice, and her prerogative whether to sit or stand, stay in contact or not, speak or not. They would, eventually, but he didn't expect her to unravel and solve her own crisis in one session. There was time. They would work on it. So for now, he stayed where he was, his hand the floating platform for hers, in silence.

Kiri panicked, since what she had done got no reaction she assumed she had done it wrong. Since there was silence she felt that more so. Her hand retreated to her side, she backed away a step. For a moment her eyes flashed up to his before settling on his chest. Trying to work out the situation while muddled. In this situation being quiet wasn't helping her at all, but she couldn't think of a single thing to say. He had rended her defences open, was he just going to stand there, was he gloating? Her entire aura was different than the slightly confused woman that had entered the room. Now she was uncertain, scared, lonely, afraid and feeling generally a failure.

"You're safe, Kiri," Brayden murmured, wondering if trying to give her control of the situation had done more harm than help as she pulled away and stepped back. "We don't have to talk about the things you don't want to, but-" He spread his hands palms out and slightly to his sides. "I can't read your mind. You have to tell me what you need."

Kiri didn't know what she needed. When things needed to be done, when there was layers of procedure involved she could make a choice based on those. So work was easy. Picking what she wanted to eat or drink, that was hard, her body wasn't very good at saying what it wanted. When it came to the new world of social interaction she barely knew how to make heads or tails of it. Still shying away she answered, "I don't know what I need," Now she seemed extremely regretful, "I didn't know I did." While quite apparent now she had spent so long hiding it seemed more unnatural than the lie did.

"That's okay," Brayden assured her, glad that she was talking to him and not running out the door. "Why don't we work together to figure it out? Do you think that might help?"

Kiri considered what he said for a while, trying to work out if it would help or not. Before she had thought it wouldn't, that it would only hurt her. Before now that was true, but she already hurt a lot. He hurt her, so she didn't trust him, or like him. There wasn't another option now she wasn't going to leave. Sighing she replied, "I don't," The words struggled to come, to admit weakness, "It is hard for me, I'll try." She looked a little more collected but still uncomfortable and upset.

Brayden nodded slowly, trying to gauge where she was coming from. The sigh, the tension in her shoulders... it wasn't an easy thing for her to talk about, that was clear, but why and how to go about helping her open up... "What do you think about coming in for an hour a week? And in that hour, you can choose to talk to me or you can just use one of the tables to work on your own projects. Does that seem like something you might be interested in?"

If her goal was to improve her socialisation skills then yes, that would be helpful, but would it be enough? Well if there was around a hundred crew on the ship and one counciler, if the normal session was an hour then it would take two weeks at least to see them all. If she wasn't the only one with problems then she was lucky to get an hour a week. If this was something she was going to do though, "Yes, thank you. But, could you recommend me a reading list?" She was going to have to do her own work on this as well, however scary it was. Even if she hated it.

A reading list? He didn't yet know what the core of her discomfort was, or why she felt the way she did, or even what exactly she felt. She hadn't given him enough information and every time he'd begun to get close, she'd started to panic and pull away. He suspected it would be weeks before he knew enough to actually be able to give her something to read. And even so, he wasn't sure that reading would help. But that wasn't the point. The salient point was that she was interested and invested enough in working towards a solution for herself that she wanted something to work on. He nodded, moving to the desk and picking up his PADD. Opening up the library listing, he selected a workbook he'd found was a good supplement to sustained therapy and forwarded it to her PADD. "We'll start with one, see how you like it, and you can tell me if you'd like something different. Any time the door is open, you're welcome to come in and use the office. How does that sound?"

Nodding her head she started to slip back into her normal soft tone, "That is very kind, thank you." Now that this seemed to be a problem her brain was already trying to set work for her to do to fix it. Before she hadn't really considered it a fault, now it was a failing. Failing wasn't allowed. Kiri wanted to improve but it seemed a task so daunting that no solution seemed possible. It seemed that this might be the hardest thing she ever had to do, at least she could try though.

Having glanced at the timestamp on the PADD before putting it down, Brayden knew they had a little more time, but he felt that trying to delve any further at this point would be counter-productive. "How would you feel about a little homework between now and our next session?"

It couldn't hurt, work was always good, whatever it was. It let her achieve something, gain a feeling of accomplishment that right now she didn't really feel at all. Nodding her head she answered, "That would be nice, thank you." Being given structured work by an expert was always better than just doing her own. Defined boundaries meant she didn't have to make choices.

"In the next week, I'd like you to come up with a list of five activities or pursuits you enjoy or think you might enjoy outside of your duties as a Starfleet officer." He smiled, "Five as a starting point; if you have more, feel free to list them. Sound like a plan?"

That sounded hard, outside of school and the academy, were there even five things she had done let alone liked? Right now she also didn't really see how that would help her. Still, "I'll try my best." Already she knew that five wasn't enough. She didn't succeed this to get this far by just doing what was asked.

There was something about the way she was talking. Like the cadets talked to their commanding officers on the station and the ship before this... "This..." He cleared his throat, thinking. "Kiri, you realize this isn't a course, right? This is time for you. Not for me. There's no grade. No plus or minus on your record. Do what feels right to you. That'll change as we go along, but... I don't want you to feel pressured to push yourself out of your comfort zone too quickly. Yes?"

There was another level of understanding to it. Inside she already knew but hadn't thought about it. She wasn't about to walk into the mess hall and try talking to everyone. Everything she had ever done was for her, what she wanted, what she felt she needed to be to make herself feel better. Her task was ideas, she would perform that in the same way she would try to discover something in space. Research, thought, probing, testing, evaluating, just because it was something personal didn't mean that wouldn't work. Nodding her head again she smiled a tiny bit, "I understand, I'm going to be careful." Routing back towards a mask of normalcy didn't mean that the very foundations of her life had been shaken and a lot of negative feelings and emotions had been unleashed. On those matters her instinct was still to work herself until she forgot about them, that hadn't changed. There was the gleeful excitement of a new field of work and discovery though.

He nodded slowly, not entirely sure she'd gotten the message, but unable to be sure. Times like this he envied every telepathic counselor in the universe. All he wanted was to be able to help this woman, and she was so practiced at concealing that it was nearly impossible to tell whether he was or not. Careful, she'd said. Another time. "Our time is up," he announced regretfully. "So I'll see you next week, on..." He picked up his calendar, "Well, what time works for you?"

Surprised that an hour that wasn't her normal work had gone so fast she showed it. For lack of a clock though she couldn't be sure, "If possible could it be at the end of one of my duty shifts? I can forward that information if you need it." She assumed he had it already but it would be right to be sure. Though painful the session had seemed somewhat productive, even if she regretted coming in the first place.

"Sixteen hundred to seventeen hundred?" he asked.

"Yes sir," That was fine, at least on most days. As of yet she wasn't on the Beta shift for anything, but that might change, who knew what might happen. If she did get more Gamma shifts then she might find it a little difficult.

"Brayden," he reminded her gently. "So I'll see you then, or whenever you elect to drop by beforehand."

She had forgotten about that, "Yes, Brayden," Bowing her head as a goodbye, "Thank you for your time. I'll try to be less problematic next time." She didn't want to cause problems for him when he was trying to help her. Still she didn't feel that what happened was really her fault. With a last look she turned and slowly left, feeling very heavy. Kiri would go back to the sensor suite, finish her duty shift and then give the matter more thought.

As the door closed behind her, Brayden dropped into the nearest chair and scrubbed his hands through his hair. Problematic? Where had she gotten the idea she was a problem? With a shake of his head, he took a deep breath and then went to his desk to write down his notes on the session.

--
[OFF]

Brayden White Ph.D. (pNPC Orexil)
Counselor
USS Galileo

Ensign Kiri Cho
Science Officer/Sensor Specialist
USS Galileo

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