Crisis of Faith

Posted on 29 Oct 2013 @ 4:10pm by Rear Admiral Lirha Saalm & Anera

2,168 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Episode 04 - Exodus
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 1, Captain's Quarters
Timeline: MD 06 - 1240 hrs

[ON]

Tossing and turning violently in her bed, Lirha painfully whimpered and thrashed about beneath her sheets as her intense dreams permeated her psyche. They were unpleasant to say the least, but terrifying was a more accurate description of the subconscious PTSD she was currently experiencing. Sweat dripped from her forehead and neck soaking her sheets and pillows, and her emerald skin was unusually pale and pasty.

A loud and violent cry erupted from her mouth and her eyes suddenly snapped wide open accompanied by several long and deep gasps for air which seemed to last for an eternity. She slowly took in her surroundings but her severe discombobulation meant several minutes passed before she was finally able to recognize where she was as well as her previous memories. She finally glanced at the chronometer on her nightstand...1240 hours, it read. Lirha closed her eyes and slowly wiped the tears from them, then remembered the rescue mission briefing she had conducted almost forty minutes ago. Her memories were still cloudy, but she also vaguely remembered collapsing at the end of it as well as Dea having to walk/carry her back to her quarters.

Sighing quietly with a multitude of mixed emotions running through her head, she thought about what had inspired her so greatly as to risk the lives of her current capable officers on what seemed like a suicide mission invading the Borg cube. The planning had been very quick to materialize but also diligent, and her engineers and medical staff had provided her with the necessary tools and options to be able to successfully execute the mission...nevertheless, she was now hesitant and questioning herself which she almost never did. More than ever, she now needed advice and guidance to reaffirm her decision, and she thought of the only non-Starfleet and objective person close enough to her who would be able to provide counsel.

"Saalm to Anera..." she said into her commbadge which lay on the nightstand after tapping it. "Please come to my quarters. I would like to see you." she whispered in a shaky, quiet voice.

Anera paused in the middle of the program that was teaching her how to use the dermal regenerator on light wounds (she wanted to be as prepared as she could for whatever happened next), answered, "As you wish, Captain," and exited her own quarters. The corridors of the ship were as a ghost town, and little wonder, but she held her head high and slipped unobtrusively past the others ghosts in the halls until she reached Lirha's suite. Her hands were folded in front of her, fingertips barely visible through the many gauzy layers of her robe, as she entered and looked about. The quarters fairly stank of panic and sweat. Anera shut her eyes for a moment, exhaling her sadness for the woman in command, then followed the scent to Lirha's side. Quietly, she knelt there and rested her fingertips lightly on Lirha's furrowed brow. "Shall I get you something to drink?" she asked quietly.

Watching as Anera entered her room, Lirha's heart fluttered as memories of their intimate and personal friendship washed through her mind. It seemed like ages since she had last seen the Deltan, but her feelings for her had not changed much during the absence. "Anera..." she whispered with a weak smile, reaching out to touch her arm. "Yes, please. Thank you for coming." she paused and looked into her blue eyes. "You look beautiful...as always." she added.

"I thank you; it is one of the few comforts I am able to offer in this time of grief and worry," the Deltan murmured, and bowed her head as she slipped away and procured a lightly steaming tea from the replicator, bringing it in cupped hands to the captain. "Your dreams still trouble you," she stated with a small frown. "Have you sought counsel for this?"

"Yes. I sought you." Lirha replied. Anera was not a Starfleet counselor but she was the best next thing for her...at least she thought so, given the current situation and her troubles. Lirha reached out with still-trembling hands and clasped the warm mug then brought it to her lips and savored the herbal flavor. "I have not been well these past days." she began to explain.

"No," Anera agreed. "And understandably, given the circumstances, but there is more than that."

"I was assimilated," Lirha said quietly, averting Anera's eyes as if there was shame in admitting the fact. "Our doctors were able to reverse the affects, but..." she suddenly became quiet and didn't speak for a long moment. "And now I am ordering my crew to rescue our captured personnel on the cube...ordering them into a position where they may also be assimilated." more tears suddenly began to fall from the corners of her eyes.

"This is your duty, as a leader," Anera told her with a small shake of her head. "You must do what you think is right. You do believe this is the right path, don't you?"

"I do," she answered with a sigh, "but I also fear my decision might be clouded by my personal feelings for my crew. I care a great deal about them and Commander Holliday. I cannot imagine leaving them behind. But my duty is to look at each situation objectively and make the most informed decision. Am I doing that now?" she asked.

"I cannot say," Anera shrugged helplessly. "I'm no telepath. What I can see is that you have been through much. You're weary. Concerned for others and yourself. There is no dishonor in these feelings. There is no dishonor or shame in fear; that is a natural state that exists to help to push us towards life, not away from it. Do you think you are allowing your emotions to control you, or are you controlling them?"

Lirha looked down at her steaming mug and fiddled with the edge of it while she contemplated the question. "I do not know..." she mumbled, her confusion become more apparent than ever. "I fear the former but hope for the latter."

"Very well. It is not unreasonable that you are clouded by emotion, given recent events. Let us speak objectively then. What are the positive and negative considerations to each action?"

Waiting a long moment to respond, Lirha took another sip of tea from the mug then set it down on her nightstand. She shifted her body to face Anera and laid her exposed green thigh against the woman's knee. "I have ordered my crew to rescue our captured people from the Borg cube." she reiterated. "I suppose the positive -- and my hope -- is to retrieve our crew and keep them from enduring Borg captivity...especially Commander Holliday...he deserves much more than that. And I cannot leave him over there as a drone and not do anything."

Lirha considered the negatives of such a decision which was something she was trying to avoid. "I suppose...there is great risk with my orders. If the away teams are not successful, they might be assimilated as well. Or worse, Galileo could be destroyed. And our first contact mission will be for nothing..." she felt another wave of tears begin to wet her eyes as she started to realize the irrational nature of her decision.

Anera frowned, gently dabbing the tears from Lirha's cheeks with the soft cloth of her sleeve. "You must let them go, these emotions." In almost any other scenario, she would have encouraged whoever she met who was experiencing feelings like this to explore them, travel through them out the other side. But there was not time for that, and this woman was responsible for all their lives. It was disturbing to see her in this state and it loosed a curl of fear in Anera's heart that she had as yet been able to hold at bay. "You must think. Clearly. Drink," she nodded to the tea. "Friendship and loyalty are valuable in their own right. Is there another means by which you could secure their release?"

Following her friend's instructions, Lirha returned her attention towards the mug which she had set down then picked it up and brought it to her lips. The warm fluid comforted her as it flowed down her esophagus, but then she picked up a nearby PADD and tapped gently on it with her fingers. She queued the message from John (which had sent the whole rescue in motion) to allow Anera to see for herself the type of emotional distress she was currently dealing with. "This is from my XO." she whispered, handing the slim silver device to the Deltan for her to read. "I cannot leave him behind...especially after reading this. So...I devised a rescue plan...it was the best I could think of."

"And so you place your loyalty to the few above the many," Anera murmured as she finished reading the message. There was no judgement in her voice, only observation. "That is choice and that is the path you have chosen. If there are others who will risk their lives, who have agreed to do so on your word, then you owe them surety. Or you must choose another path before you have gone too far down this one. You cannot let them risk themselves knowing you are not confident."

The captain tried to decipher Anera's words of wisdom which wasn't exactly an easy task considering her current state of mind. "They always teach at the Command Academy the importance of making decisions and sticking by them, even if it is the wrong decision. Is that what you are saying?"

"I am saying that you must make peace with your choices, in this, and in everything else. If you cannot make peace with a choice, if you can find no means by which to say to yourself 'this is right' and know that to be true, then you will know that you must alter your decision."

"Easier said than done...for a captain, at least." Lirha gave Anera a tiny grin then sighed. Strangely, she was already beginning to feel better about the orders she had given to her crew just from the few minutes of speaking with the Deltan. She had an uncanny way of calming Lirha and consoling her, which was what she had hoped for when she had summoned her. "Very well, I will make peace with my decision. We are going to bring our crew members home. And we will be successful."

"As you say," Anera bowed her head. "Lirha..." She pressed her lips together, trying to figure out the words she wanted, "What happened to you, the assimilation... that was out of your control. There is no shame in survival."

Lirha looked into Anera's eyes then towards the large window in her bedroom which colorfully displayed the glowing blue atmosphere of the planet below. It was a beautiful scene which under normal circumstances would have brought her much joy, but instead the grim reminder of her assimilation gave her a moment's pause. "I know," she replied quietly in agreement, "but it often does not feel that way. First captured by the Klingons, now assimilated by the Borg?" She shook her head. "It seems fate is not being very kind to me this year."

"Fate is never kind," Anera observed softly. "It's purpose is to teach us to be the most of ourselves; that is an inherently demanding process."

"A tough lesson, it seems." The Orion took another long drink from the mug and finished the tea, then set the cup back down and slowly stretched her arms while glancing back at the chronometer. It was almost time to execute her rescue plan.

"I must prepare then, to deploy our away teams." She leaned in and gave Anera a soft and appreciative kiss on the lips which reminded her of the fun times they had shared. "You are welcome to come to the transporter room with me, if you wish?" she offered.

Anera bowed her head, "I will accompany you as far as the turbolift. Then I must return to my studies." She cupped Lirha's cheek, smoothing her thumb over the tear-streaked olive skin. "Our faith goes with you."

Lirha smiled and nodded then rose from her bed and began to get dressed. She felt blessed that she had a friend like Anera who she could call upon to give her strength and guidance in such troubled times, and she now felt much more capable and at ease than she had when she had first awoke. When she was finished pulling on her uniform, she walked with Anera out into the corridor and towards the turbolift, and gave her hand a private squeeze as they entered.

[OFF]

--

CAPT Lirha Saalm
Commanding Officer
USS Galileo

Anera
Teacher/Sous Chef
USS Galileo

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