I'm Going to Be (Part 2)

Posted on 14 Feb 2013 @ 2:59pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Chief Warrant Officer 4 Cyrus Kiwosk
Edited on on 15 Feb 2013 @ 2:55am

1,617 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo Deck 2 - Holodeck ( Gym program)
Timeline: MD3 0830

[Continued]

If he would only teach her if she could break a part of herself that she didn't feel capable of then she wasn't good enough. Then there was his question, first being told by Liyar that no one would like her if she didn't like herself. Now being told that she not only didn't like herself that she hated herself, it made her want to cry. What could she say to that? Sucking in a breath Kiri kept looking at the floor, "I don't." Still she didn't understand what striking out at him had to do with being able to defend herself if he was just going to move out of the way.

"Then be confident . You are an intelligent young woman that has her whole life ahead of her, and people that are willing to be your friends if you open up. " He threw his hands to his sides almost frustratingly. "I'm trying to be your friend, and so it Lieutenant Panne and probably a good portion of the people that you talk to, but you refuse to let anyone in so you can feel what real friendship is like." He sighed. "It's like you want to do everything that you see everyone else doing, but you don't want to risk getting hurt in order to do it, mentally or physically, and that's what I was hoping to break today, so I could teach you methods of getting stronger and allowing yourself to become more confident instead of being the person looking in on everyone else having fun." He paused, shaking his head. " It boggles my mind that someone who has so much potential doesn't see it when everyone else does." He walked over. "But it's this..." He poked her gently on the forehead..."and this. " He poked her where her heart would be. "That's preventing you from accomplishing the thing you really want...friends, social interaction and....confidence." He took a step back and rolled his shoulders.

"What happened to the sharpshooter that scored three bulls-eyes and refused anything but the best on the training field, because that's not who I'm seeing now."

Kill recoiled from his touch. Balling her fists she drove her nails into her palms. She wanted to scream but instead gritted her teeth, not looking up from the floor, "I know." Of course she knew that about herself, that it got in the way that she was scared but she had created excuses every time. She didn't want to look deep at herself because it hurt and most of the time she couldn't take that pain. If she couldn't show her mother, the person she loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world what she was really like, then how could she ever show anyone? Shaking with anger, fear at being found out and the dredging of emotions from inside her she stood on the spot. He was right but almost every part of her person wanted to create a reason that he wasn't, to run away and pretend it never happened. Instead she spoke again almost crying, "And hitting you would change that?"

Cyrus noted the anger, the frustration, how she clenched her fists. She was trying to hold it all in, trying to keep to what she knew, and maybe for the first time that he knew of, it wasn't working. "No." He replied evenly. "But it would mean that you were willing to become the person you want to be. It would mean that you are done hiding in shadows, expecting someone to save you...it would mean...." He hunched his shoulders. "That you don't want to be scared anymore.

"Take everything your feeling, take all that anger and fear and craziness you're feeling and use that to try to hit me, make it count, think through, don't be afraid. " He set his stance back up. " Stop being the person you think you are and start being who you know you are "

His voice went almost primal. "Now. Hit. Me."

For Kiri there was nothing but fear from this unknown. It was something she had been afraid of all her life and one person or even two swinging sledgehammers couldn't change that. She didn't feel brave, she didn't know who she was, only what she pretended to be. For a split second she was about to do what she was told, starting to pull her hands back but stopped. She didn't know what kind of person she was, but she knew what she wanted to be. Did she want to be a person who hit people? No. She wanted to be a person who could protect herself and her friends, yes. But this wasn't right. Her head hurt, her heart hurt and her stomach was tying itself in a knot. Breathing, shaking she wrapped her arms around herself, "No." She was firm this time, "There has to be another option."

For a minute Cyrus thought that she was actually going to break through, but her old self swung in the last second, but he noticed something different, more authority in her voice. Though she was hugging herself for all she was worth, but their was a change, a small one...but there was a change non the less. " There's the Kiri I remember, always a third option, yes?" His attitude changed rapidly. " Well, I think we've done enough work now. " He smiled. "How does it feel standing up for something you believe in, instead of running away? " It had originally started as an exercise to increase her speed and agility, but it had become something different entirely. " It's about time you stood up for yourself instead of letting people walk over you. "

"I don't let people walk over me," Kiri was submissive yet but she never let anyone take advantage of her knowingly or let herself be treated unfairly unless she felt she deserved it. She didn't like the picture he seemed to have painted of her, "I don't run away," Then feeling as if that wasn't entirely true, "Most of the time." There were times when she had run away and never stopped running, she had run away yesterday. But when there was a challenge she normally rose up and faced it head on, never giving up. Running away, at a tactical retreat never had to mean defeat anyway. She was here wasn't she, trying to improve?

Much more officer like. He thought to himself. Grinning ear to ear he nodded. " You're not now...you're facing up to the challenge I put forth to you. You are learning, you're learning." He repeated, almost to himself. " The time for running needs to come to an end and you need to face those problems and fears head on, live you life and don't just let it pass you by. " He smiled approuvingly. "Look what you did, you just put me in my place, not with force, but the fact hat you stood up and held your ground. For a minute there you didn't even flinch. " He unstrapped his practice weights from his arms and legs and grinned like a fool. " And you didn't need to lift a finger."

" By not speaking up and voicing your thoughts, by not being yourself or finding who you are, you aren't in control, and to protect friends, to become stronger and more confident. You need to find that part of you first . " Cyrus toweled off before continuing, wiping the gym rag across his brow. " You have strength, you have the ability to become anything you want, but this little defiance." He motioned to her. "Is a step in the right direction. " This was the strength I was talking about. This is what I want to help you develop...because this." He gestured in her direction once again. "Is what will help you get stronger, help you build the confidence you want and allow you to be your own woman. situational awareness " He said again. "To be aware of yourself and of your surroundings, you get that down you'll be able to do anything you want."

Kiri didn't really understand the point he was trying to make, or rather how accurate it was. Taking a breath she didn't look very happy or proud, "I have more control over this than I do of myself." She sighed and clenched her fingers, "I don't think I can be the officer I need to be by being myself. But I can be aware, and be more confident I think? At least I want to try, is that okay?"

"Are you asking me if you want to be more aware and more confident or are you telling me you want to be more confident?" He retorted.

"Neither," She looked puzzled, "That I can be more confident, but that doesn't mean I have to be myself." Honestly Kiri didn't have any real clue what she was really like and she didn't trust herself one bit in that regard.

Confused, but realizing she was on the right path Cyrus shrugged. "Suit yourself. Now would you like to learn how these machines work or am I just going to have another discussion at length about all this?"

Kiri looked slightly exasperated, he was the one that brought up all these complex topics she would rather pretend didn't exist. Now he was the one that was complaining about that, it wasn't her fault. Today was, annoying, "Please show me."

[OFF]
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CWO Kiwosk
Security/ Tactical
MaA, TRT Squad Leader
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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