Anthropologist's log - 03

Posted on 07 Sep 2014 @ 3:20pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D.
Edited on 07 Sep 2014 @ 3:20pm

620 words; about a 3 minute read

Computer, record personal log. Insert today's stardate,

M'Ressa finally fell asleep.

I'm not sure if it's the drugs or my boring talk about the anthropology of using foreign herbs in cooking specific foods, but whatever it was, it did the trick because she's out like a light. Which is more than I can say for myself. I laid there for two hours until I just couldn't take it anymore. Now I'm just sitting here, whispering this log so that I don't wake her.

I keep thinking about the last few days. Meeting people, the away mission...

I feel like I've made such a bad impression with so many people that it's like I've been here for months. I thought I was over wanting people to like me so much that I'm willing to give them false information, but I guess not. After all, that's what all of the flirting is - false information. I don't want a relationship. And yet, not 24 hours in, what do I do?

I flirt with a guy in the Arboretum. A taken man, I might add, sort of anyway. And then, I flirt with Grayson, who's so sweet and so...good that I feel like such an asshole afterwards. Sure, we managed to patch things up more or less but it's not the same. It probably never will be again. There will always be that air of distance between us and it's all my fault.

Sigh

Gods, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just talk to people like a normal person? I swear, I'll never understand myself.

And now I can't sleep because all I can think about is each and every conversation I've had in the last three days, picking through every word I said like some crazy person, trying to find what I did wrong! I just can't stop!

Like my talk with Andreus. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but, his work sucked! It's not my fault that it wasn't good, he should be able to accept that for the truth and not storm off like a toddler. I didn't do anything wrong by telling him the truth, did I?

Pause

Maybe I did....Maybe I should've just kept my mouth shut, that would've been better. I don't even know anymore, people are complicated.

The only person I actually feel like I didn't screw up with is Ellsworth. He's great. He's Betazoid, so I know I don't need to watch what I do with my hands around him because I know he won't mind the contact the way humans do. I swear, they read things into every single movement I make towards them, it's infuriating.

Then again, they don't know that I don't mean anything by it, but then I have to spell it out. But I can't actually explain everything without giving them too much information about myself that they have no business knowing. Maybe that's why I just go with the flow when they flirt with me... It's easier than explaining just how wrong things are with me.

I don't know. I think I need a therapist, which is just as well because I also need to go through a psych eval. I've been putting that off for way too long and now I'm not sleeping, this is just going to get worse.

I don't want to go back on medication, that stuff is terrible.

It's late...I'm going to go walk around the ship because I sure as hell am not going to be able to sleep again. If I stay here I'll wake up M'Ressa and she needs her rest.

I guess that's it.

Computer, end recording

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