LOG 004 Thinking too much.

Posted on 30 Nov 2012 @ 5:56am by Chief Warrant Officer 4 Cyrus Kiwosk

712 words; about a 4 minute read

Well, time for another one of these things....

Time is... damn it...where is that...*random shuffling*

Really need to find a place for tha- jeez... well time is 0300

I'm trying not to wake Watt again, last time I ended up Standing to against a Pillow barrage...

Anyways, as promised I'm talking to you..or me...anyways.

So all this done time has got me thinking, about...well...everything. My meeting with Blake went, different than I expected. I don't really know how I feel about it. *drinking noise*

It seems like this stress isn't just been brought on by the grenade. It's more than that, deeper than that...I guess. I can still feel it. The heat, the skin melting off my body, but that's not what keeps me up at night.

Every night, I see the grenade, I see that damned purple skinned bastard smiling... It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it, but that's not the worst of it. I realized that tonight.

I can't get her out of my mind... *throat tight..*

I joined Starfleet to protect and serve, I joined the Marines to save people from the horrors like the Dominion, the Borg, Species 8472, the Romulans.
I joined to help and protect the people i care about, so they never have to worry for their lives.


*soft sob* But....I couldn't even safe the life of a single 10 year old girl.

All these muscles, all my trianing as a martial artist, my 98% accuracy with a type three Star Fleet regulation compression rifle and a little 10 year old girl who looked at me with admiration and hope...

and I couldn't save her...*crying*

I..I couldn' *more sobbing*

ss....s...save h..her.

*silence*

Get a hold of yourself, you're going to have to play this back...you really want to hear yourself cry?

*deep breathe, slow release*

She lost an arm, I don't know why, but they burnt the stump to keep her alive longer. They....oh god....

They let it get infected and by the time we got near the damned exit...

For crying out loud... she made it through ambushes and through the entire hell they put her in . And she died thirty feet from the exit.

And she asked me if she was going home. *sobbing*

I....I couldn't even tell her y....ye...ssss. She j....just fell over, no warning. Nothing.

I don't think I'll ever forget that little girl,

Emily. I got her name from one of the other prisoners after I woke up in sickbay. She was going to turn eleven that August. I try to send her family a letter on that little girls birthday, but they never have sent one back...I don't even think they want to talk...I know if it was my daughter...I wouldn't either.

*long silence*

Damn it Blake...now you've made look like a wuss...thanks. *sigh*

That's not it though. Man I wish it was.

I've been thinking about the Marines lately. Part of me will always be a marine, I think. It's not something that goes away with time. I enjoyed what I did, and I enjoyed the saving people and protecting people.

I just wonder how some people can get it in there heads that it's a good idea to hurt, and maim and harm innocent lives, simply to get even with someone. What kind of person does it take to stare into the heart of someone and pull the trigger on him or her, knowing that they haven't done anything wrong, that they haven't even gone against anything you believe in.

I'm a soldier, my job is to hunt and kill other soldiers, terrorists, etcetera, but I do not go shooting people in the street because I had a bad day or I think it will prove a point. It proves you are a monster....

*drinking*

Funny that word monster...I've heard it all my life, and I always thought of the people I had to fight against as monsters...

but what am I to them?

*Long silence*

Damn it I hate Councillors...they think too much...

and they got me doing it too.

Computer...just...just end log.

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