Chief Counselor's Log #7 - Survivor's Guilt

Posted on 29 Nov 2012 @ 7:34pm by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle
Edited on 30 Apr 2013 @ 1:10am

274 words; about a 1 minute read

For the longest time, I was looking forward to shoreleve, and now that it's here, I can't seem to motivate myself to leave the ship for a true vacation. There's plenty to keep me busy, of course. Now that we've taken a bit of a break, the crew has really started to deal with all they've been through recently. That's to be expected, really, since idle time leaves much more room for reflection.

After talking with Andreus, I realized I've been carrying around a bit of survivor's guilt. I've managed to survive the Klingon boarding, the use of technology that could have killed us, and most recently, a crash landing without a scratch. Other people haven't been so lucky, and despite knowing there isn't any rhyme or reason to these things, I can't help but wonder how I've managed to be so lucky. The counselor in me can't seem to overcome the intensity of my feelings.

I suppose it's why I feel guilty anytime I'm tempted to find the irony and the humor in our situation. I know intellectually, humor can be the best medicine at a time like this, but a part of me feels if I laugh about it, I'm somehow being flippant about other people's suffering in some way.

The last thing I want is people to think their Chief Counselor doesn't think their pain is something to take seriously, but when I'm just Delainey *in here* I honestly know if I didn't laugh at some time, I'd cry.

In here, I'm just me. Out there, I..

I need to learn to just be me out there.

At least for today.

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