Then I Heard Your Heart Beating, You Were In The Darkness Too (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on 20 Oct 2018 @ 9:06am by Lieutenant Lake ir-Llantrisant & Lieutenant Tuula Voutilainen M.D.
Edited on on 20 Oct 2018 @ 9:06am

2,606 words; about a 13 minute read

Mission: Episode 17 - Crystal of Life
Location: USS Galileo-A - Deck 3, Counseling Office
Timeline: MD -170 - 1318 hours

Previously on "Then I Heard Your Heart Beating, You Were In The Darkness Too (Part 1 of 2)"...

Clasping the PADD in one hand, Lake swept his fingertips over the display to activate the LCARS interface. He tapped on the display a couple of times as he closed the distance between himself and Tuula.

Firmly, Lake said, "I can understand why you wouldn’t want to talk about what happened on Kreanus. It’s a common instinct for people. Really, it’s even a common instinct among this crew especially." --He proffered the PADD to Tuula-- "That’s why I’d like you to draw it for me. How would a new tattoo tell your story of Kreanus?"

And now the conclusion...


[ON]

Taking the PADD in her hand, Tuula looked up silently at Lake, then back down at the PADD, then at him once more. As she popped out the stylus, her hand began to shake. But after clutching the pen for a moment and swallowing a lump in her throat, she got to work.

After several minutes of intense focus and frantic scribbling, she sighed and silently slid the PADD across Lake's desk. In the bottom right corner, taking up a majority of the foreground, was a silhouette of a woman looking downwards with tired and pained expression on her face. With the undercut and the ear piercings, there was no doubt that it was Tuula. In the background, amidst some chaotic scribbles, was a tall, heavily built man in Klingon armour. The picture was all in black and white, aside from a couple spots of red -- trickles of blood coming from her mouth and nose, and a matching spot of red on the Klingon's fist.

"They picked us at random... they brought us to interrogation chambers..." Tuula's voice began to waver. "They hooked us up to these machines... they tortured us."

Shaking his head slowly, Lake remarked, "That's hideous. Unfathomable, really." He had stepped back from Tuula while she drew the image, and lowered himself into an arm chair at a respectful distance from her. Looking at the image on the PADD, Lake asked, "What did they want?"

"Information... lots of it. Tactical information, the position of Starfleet vessels in the area... a bunch of stuff I didn't even know. I have them my name, my rank, and my serial number. Everything I was supposed to give under the Khitomer accords. But still..." Tuula took a deep breath. "I tried to be strong. But the device... some sort of neural probe... I was lucky to avoid permanent brain damage."

Lake shifted in his seat. With a frown that put lines on his face, he echoed, "A neural probe?" If anything could derail his train of thought, his line of questioning, it was that. Shaking his head, Lake admitted, "I'm a neurologist before I'm a psychiatrist, truly. What imagining has your doctor had conducted since Kreanus?"

"They say I'm fine... now..." Tuula's eyes darted uncomfortably around the room for a moment, eventually resting on Lake's piece of cake. "Of course, I spend weeks under observation in sickbays and hospitals, hooked up to probes, going through all kinds of tests... they said if it weren't for the intervention of a Vulcan crew member, I might have spent the rest of my life in a psychiatric hospital, unable to understand where or when I was..." She wiped back a tear from the corner of her eye. "I would have been unable to live on my own, never mind practice medicine..."

Lake followed the dance of Tuula's eyes to land on that half-eaten slice of carrot cake. Given how she had responded to his initial probing into her emotional state, Lake was careful not to ask how that made her feel. Instead, he had another question to ask of her. "Would you like a bite?" he asked.

"Sure..." replied Tuula as Lake slid the cake towards her. With the fork, she cut off a small piece and put it in her mouth, closing her eyes as she chewed on the morsel of food. "It's good cake," she finally said when her mouth was empty.

Nodding gently, Lake looked to Tuula and he said, "Yeah. Yeah, it's good cake." He cast a glance over at what little remained of the cake and frosting. For a moment, he debated eating more, but he couldn't let the moment pass entirely. He didn't want to wait until Tuula completely released whatever she was feeling. "Have you noticed any changes," Lake asked, "to the ways you're able to enjoy your work?"

Tuula thought for a moment about the question. While the day to day grind of physicals and fixing people up hadn't changed, she had to admit that just being out in space was giving her a little anxiety. "Space is dangerous," she started "I didn't think something like this could happen to me. I did everything right, I gave them my name, rank and serial number, the Khitomer treaty said this sort of thing shouldn't happen. And..." she started, her eyes darting back and forth, "I read over the reports of the mission and the results of the inquiry, and how the Captain came to command the DuJa'Q. I still don't know why we needed to get hurt like this..."

"You used the word need," Lake said, his dark eyes clouded with momentary confusion. Following his curiosity, he asked, "Is that what it felt like? Like it was impossible and yet somehow necessary for the Klingons to treat you like that?"

Tuula thought over the question for a moment. "I just don't know why they did it. I didn't even know anything..." she started, before sniffling and wiping away a tear. "Sorry," she said, averting her gaze from the counselor, "It was a painful experience, and I'd rather not think about it. It's just getting hard to push it all down, you know what I mean?"

"I do," Lake replied, nodding at Tuula. There was a sense of resigned pain in his voice, and yet, overtop that came a thrill at conversing with someone who would understand how he's been feeling every day. "I've lost my husband, my whole world. I do understand what it's like to feel the cracks getting wider in the foundation that's keeping you sane," he admitted. Still, this wasn't about him. He had to ask, "Where are you noticing the most cracks?"

"Mostly in dealing with people," she started, sharing a moment of empathy with Lake which had disarmed her and lowered her defenses. "I've been hurt so many times, by this Klingon, by my ex... by the mean girls from high school," she added, with a hint of a smirk, an attempt to use a little joke to cut through the tension of having circled back towards Zuwtt for the second time this session. "It's hard to trust people," she added.

"I hear you," Lake said, and he shrugged helplessly. "Maybe it's better not to?" he proposed. Certainly, the notion of living a life without trust went against common wisdom, but Lake was making no attempt at reverse psychology on this day. After his own stalled romances the past few weeks, after his haunted nights, Lake could genuinely imagine a life without trust as a viable option.

"I hope not..." replied Tuula, forlornly. "I mean, there have to be some good people out there," she said, a longing tone in her voice. "Mathematically, of course," she added at the end.

Pursing his lips, Lake considered what Tuula had said. He didn't respond right away. Rather, he only nodded, as his gaze fogged into the middle distance. "What's your equation," Lake asked, "for what makes a person good or trustworthy?"

"It's hard to say; though a detailed neuroscan tends to help one figure it out," replied Tuula, a little joke meant to evade the present line of questioning as her various defense mechanisms began to regroup.

"Is that how you choose your friends?" Lake asked, his tone obviously skeptical. This time, he wasn't as understanding of Tuula's defenses. This time, his response came direct. Continuing his train of thought, Lake asked, "Line up the crew beneath an overhead sensor cluster and pick out the gooduns?"

"I suppose that would make things a lot more efficient," mused Tuula in a deadpan tone. "Might also make it easier to get a date."

Shrugging slightly, Lake bobbed his head from side to side in an expression of maybe or maybe not. "Interpersonal chemistry is notoriously hard to gauge from person to person, let alone by a software application. If we assume a conveyor line through the medical sensors isn't how you're meeting new people now," Lake remarked, "How do you usually invite someone on a date? What happened the last time you tried?"

"Last time, lets see, last time..." Tuula thought for a moment before raising a finger in the air. "Oh, right, Eelim," she said, glancing out the window for a moment before turning her gaze back towards the counselor. "Well, I wanted to surprise him, so I dressed up in bondage gear and snuck into his quarters and waited for him to come home. Nothing too crazy," she added, "just what I thought would be a pleasant surprise."

"How did Eelim react," Lake asked, "to your pleasant surprise?" Looking to Tuula expectantly, his dark eyes glittered at the schadenfreude he expected from her response.

"Not great..." said Tuula, forlornly. "I mean, he didn't even tie me up or anything. But at least he reacted a bit better than Olsam..." Sighing heavily, she glanced out the window for a moment before turning back to Lake. "I'm starting to think most men are just intimidated by successful, intelligent, attractive women. Wouldn't you agree?"

Shaking his head gently, Lake replied, "I'm not sure I can agree with any truth so broad as that." His gaze drifted briefly, looking for the PADD he'd put aside and the drawing Tuula had created for him. Quickly, he turned back to Tuula and found he was able to better articulate the question he struggled with. "Do you only observe women in relationships," Lake asked, "when they're unattractive and simple-minded?"

Tuula pondered the question for a moment, attempting to deduce what the counselor was getting at. Was it possible that there was another reason why she had been rejected after quite literally throwing herself at men like Olsam and Eelim? "Are you implying that it might be something else?" she asked, biting her lip for a second. "Is it... the chair?"

Flattening his palm on his chest, Lake said, "I was prompting you to question your assumptions about other people, not yourself." He'd been taken aback by the question, his eyes wide. As he explained himself, Lake shook his head lightly and rested his hands on his thighs. He looked at Tuula, really looked at her. "Is that what you believe?" Lake finally asked. "Is it... the chair?"

Averting her eyes from Lake's gaze, Tuula looked down at her legs for a few moments, delving deep into her thoughts and experiences. "It doesn't make things easier," she admitted sheepishly, still not raising her eyes to meet Lake's. "Not when you're different..."

Lake looked to her and he watched Tuula looking down at her legs. From time to time he eased up, he looked away, he looked at his own fingernails, so as not to present a relentless gaze. "When you say it doesn't make things easier," Lake said, drawing on the threads that Tuula was gradually worrying out, "how did it change? How did it change the way you related to new people?"

"I felt I had to prove myself..." started Tuula, as the floodgates began to open. "Initially, Starfleet Medical didn't want me. Apparently some of the stuffy old medical director types still find it difficult to see a colleague with a disability. We're supposed to be these elite superhumans, paragons of health, showing no weaknesses. After all, no one wants to see a barber with a bad haircut, never mind a doctor in a wheelchair."

Tuula took a deep breath before continuing. "And it's not just from colleagues either. I feel like people don't see the person underneath, they just see my disability. It's hell trying to get a date; people never seem to get past the 'oh, poor you,' phase or the 'oh, you're so inspirational' speech to see that I'm a normal person, with the same needs and desires as them."

Seeing Lake take it all in, Tuula let out a sigh of relief, as though a weight had been lifted off her chest, though not the only one she had to bear. "Though, I suppose it's not all bad if it keeps away terrible people like Zuwtt."

"What does it look like," Lake asked slowly, collecting his thoughts as he said it aloud, "when you try to prove yourself to someone who isn't seeing you as a person?" He nudged the conversation back towards Tuula and her choices.

"I just sometimes feel like I have to work twice as hard to be noticed for my qualities... either professionally, romantically, etcetera." started Tuula, not sure again where this was going. "And find other ways to stand out, if you'll excuse the pun."

"I'd say that's a natural reaction," Lake said. He spoke in an understanding tone, because it was a tendency he saw in his own self from time to time. "Craving the kind of attention you're not receiving, and reaching for it all the more. Could be some small part of the motivation for your hair, your bone saws, your devotion to your patients... And now that you see that about yourself, what do you want to do about it?"

Tuula was silent for several seconds, struggling to take in what Luke had to say. Was her unique presentation part of who she was, or was it a mask that she was hiding behind? Who was the real Tuula; was it the cute blonde haired, blue eyed girl who cried when her sister's teddy bear got ripped and sewed it back together herself, or was it the tattooed punk with the knee-high platform boots and bone saw? She had always been insistent that this was the real Tuula, that the tattoos were just a reflection of what was on the inside, and that in spite of what others may think, she was completely happy and normal.

"I don't know," she started, once the awkwardness in the room became too much to bear. Taking her eyes off Lake for a second, she pulled her spiked headband from her hair, letting the black and teal hair fall down onto her shoulders and giving her head a shake back and forth, allowing it to rest in a more natural style. She glanced over at her reflection on a screen in Lake's office for a second before looking at him and letting out a hint of a smile.

"I have some empty real estate here," she added as she pulled her hair to one side, revealing a fresh, clean-shaven undercut. "What do you think; a wolf's head, or perhaps something floral?"

“A wolf’s head,” Lake said immediately, and with absolute certainty. “Always a wolf’s head.”


[OFF]

Lieutenant Lake ir-Llantrisant
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo-A

Lieutenant Tuula Voutilainen
Assistant Chief Medical Officer
USS Galileo-A

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