Not the Food but Feelings

Posted on 15 Jan 2013 @ 3:35am by Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle & Lieutenant Kiri Cho

2,453 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 02 - Resupply
Location: USS Galileo -Deck 4, Science Office, Deck 2, Mess Hall
Timeline: MD4 1330

[ON]

Kiri was sat behind her desk, reading through reports again, trying to think her way though the situation she now found herself in. She had to set up a social event, somehow, with lots of people, at least some anyway. It felt exactly like looking from one side of a river full of crocodiles to the other and know you had to swim it. There were so many things that could go wrong, painful things, things that would make people dislike her. It was better right now to be focusing on learning more about subspace reactions, so her eyes glued down to the pad.

Delainey approached the door with a sense of personal curiosity and professional interest. The counselor hadn't met Kiri Cho personally, but she had gotten a pretty good impression of her .from Brayden White's notes, and now Scarlet Blake's reports. Carlisle had decided to leave the professional obligations to the latter, but Delainey's own maternal instincts motivated her to strike up a conversation, and perhaps a friendship with Cho, and at the very least make sure Kiri wasn't going to spend the entire break working.

Delainey rang the chime and waited, not entirely sure what she was going to say.

Startled, now expecting it to be Kohl, Kiri sat up. Tugging down on her uniform slightly and brushing her hair aside slightly, "Enter?" Seeing that it was someone else her smile twitched slightly,"Can I help you?"

"Hello," Delainey replied warmly. "I'm Delainey Carlisle. I don't believe we've met, but I worked with Brayden, and he thought very highly of you. I just wanted to introduce myself and see if I could perhaps tempt you into maybe grabbing some lunch?"

Kiri was slightly confused, it was welcome but strangers kept walking into her lately, she couldn't work out what she was doing to encourage it. The fact that Brayden was involved made her both happy and quite sad. That his friends would come to see her and still he wouldn't, she was getting quite bitter. It was time she should be having a meal, Kiri still felt down though, "What did you have in mind?"

"I'm open to whatever you prefer," Carlisle replied easily.

Kiri was terrible at making choices like that, trying to work out what a stranger would like to do while eating was something that could take hours to work out properly. Looking to her own replicator, she asked, "Do you want to sit in the messhall?"

"The messhall's great," Carlisle returned easily. "That is, if you're ok with that."

Thinking for a second Kiri nodded, "Okay," moving a few of the pads into a stack on the edge of the desk she stood up. She couldn't think of anything to talk about, anything to ask. Did they have anything in common?

Sensing her discomfort, Delainey offered, "Are you enjoying your work? As a science officer aboard a science vessel, I imagine you have all sorts of unique resources available."

"Yes, quite a lot of equipment was damaged in the crash," Compared to what she had a chance to work with before, it was mostly on par with the academy. The sensor array she was now working on though would change that slightly.

Delainey didn't want to rush Kiri, but she started moving to the door, hoping they could keep up an easy flow of conversation as they headed toward the mess. "I imagine it's frustrating to go back to work after so much has been damaged."

Being crashed on a planet meant, "There isn't much work we can do, other than deal with repairs." She found it easier to speak about work than anything else. Still Kiri was trying to work out the woman's motives, if there was something behind it.

"Now that you've been promoted, I'm sure you'll keep busy. Congratulations on that, by the way."

Only a few people had real said anything to her, Panne at the ceremony, Theron afterwards, Kohl when she went to find him. That was it, glumness overtook her for a few seconds. She'd always imagined that it would be more exciting, that lots of people would voice being impressed by her, more congratulations. It tinted her reaction somewhat, "Thank you, it doesn't change very much though."

"What were you hoping it would change?" Delainey asked. Even though Carlisle knew self-esteem was created internally, not externally, she had hoped some part of Kiri would be pleased with the promotion. Cho's reaction served as a reminder of how entrenched some of her thoughts were.

Kiri looked rather confused for a moment, her voice soft still, "I was already Assistant Chief Science Officer, that supersedes my rank." Titles came before ranks even if she was still an Ensign her job would remain the same. It was the event that was a disappointment not the fact she had a new rank.

"I understand that." Carlisle paused, then offered, "You seem disappointed. Are you?"

Entering the turbo lift Kiri paused, "I, um," She was frustrated, trying to explain. This was a counsellor but it wasn't a session, she didn't want to say but she should, shouldn't she? Would lying work, it didn't with Brayden, she shouldn't, "I thought more people would be impressed."

Delainey pressed the panel for the turbolift and they were both inside and on they were on their way before Carlisle asked, "You wanted more people to come to the ceremony or you aren't sure the people that came were impressed with you?"

It felt really childish, stupid, "Only Lieutenant Panne said congratulations, on the day." Other people had said so since then but it lost impact, why didn't they notice before? At the reception afterwards no one had said anything to her or approached her, other than Lieutenant Rhodes but he hadn't said anything about it. It just felt like they didn't really care.

There was a touch of narcissism in Kiri's words and Delainey was beginning to see why working with Kiri had been so difficult for Brayden. Of course, underlying it all was a deep insecurity. "How many offers of congratulations do you think would help you believe your accomplishment was properly acknowledged?" Her tone was sincere and reflected genuine curiosity.

It was childish that was clear, "I don't know," Kiri shook her head shrinking slightly. She didn't want to talk about it right now, or think too much about it. Still the number of people that she talked to, that she knew, the few she thought might be friends. None of them had said those words to her, so were they really her friends if they didn't appear to care about her success?

"I appreciate your honesty, and perhaps you can think on it," Delainey replied sincerely as the lift stopped and the doors opened. Carlisle moved ahead but waited for Kiri to follow. "I find when I'm feeling upset, it's usually because some specific expectation I had of others, likely unknown to the people in question, was violated. Figuring out exactly what I want usually helps me communicate it to others more clearly, or at least helps me come up with a plan to fulfill my own expectations the next time."

Kiri's mood was a little blacker, "I can't really ask people to pay more attention to me, can I?" It wasn't meant to come across as snarky as it did and she frowned, scolding herself, "Sorry."

"You don't have anything to apologize for," Delainey reassured. "The only way you're going to feel better is if you're honest about your expectations and desires. Now, you're right, asking people to pay more attention to you isn't always going to get you what you want, but your question to me just now, gives me, and you, insight into what you're feeling and to what you need. Now that we know what you want, perhaps we can come up with a way for you to get it yourself without having to rely on others, who don't even realize they're disappointing you."

Kiri knew what the problem was, she'd spent a lot of time thinking about it since then. That part was obvious to her, creating a solution was the impossible thing. To make people care about her more, or display it more opening. How could she possibly go about doing that? If she wanted to get more attention then she had to act in ways she couldn't possibly be to get it. It was a cycle that made her more depressed the more it went round, there wasn't anything she could do. It did depend on other people and she was useless at that, "I don't have a way." She wanted other people to want to be around her. Someone to be her unconditional friend and others as well, it was too much to ask.

"Maybe what you're looking to others to provide is something you can learn to give yourself? Perhaps what you want is to feel a certain way, and you're looking to others to create that feeling for you, when you could learn to create it for yourself. There are tools to help for this very thing. Once you feel better about yourself, you might find it's easier to make friends. People are naturally attracted to confident people."

Kiri didn't like that answer. To have people like her, she had to change herself. She was confident in herself, her own abilities and what she could do. The problem was she didn't feel she had the skills to be social and make friends. She couldn't tell jokes and rarely found other peoples funny, making small talk was painfully hard and she never knew what to say. All she had was being polite and trying to be helpful, that didn't seem to be working. Despite it all she had dragged herself along trying her best, now she had to be more confident? To her confidence outside of work generally came across as rude, she didn't want to be rude. Falling silent she waited for the other woman to choose somewhere to sit.

Unsure what Kiri was thinking, but sensing from her expression she was disatisfied, Delainey explained further, "It seems as if you're looking for the positive feelings that come with being proud of your accomplishments. All I'm saying is, there may be a way to change the way you think so you can feel that sense of pride and positive feeling on your own without depending on other people for it."

She didn't understand, she felt pride, she knew she had accomplished something. She didn't want to change how she thought, she wanted people to notice her. Something that helped her know people cared, to reassure her they liked her. Brayden had understood what she wanted, "I see."

"Do you?" Delainey asked. "It's okay to say so if you don't or even that you don't agree. I won't be offended, and I hope you haven't been offended been by something I've said." Carlisle paused, trying to find the right words. "The things we want are a good indication of what we believe we lack. The operative word, however, is *believe.* What we believe often depends on our ability to see things from different perspectives. Perhaps I can help you to change your perspective now and again. Changing perspective can result in a change in feeling."

She had been given allowance for it even if it made her uncomfortable to say, "I know what I lack. I try to rectify it but it doesn't work very well, I haven't found an acceptable perspective that helps." Kiri didn't want to open up to this woman, she didn't trust her not to disappear, nor to give advice that might be useful. While what she had said might be grand advice to others, to Kiri it just seemed hollow.

Delainey nodded and grew quiet for a moment. "Scarlet or I would be happy to help you explore other perspectives if you like. Maybe she and I can help you feel a little less alone?"

Kiri wouldn't turn down an offer, "I would like that," She tried to force a smile but as far as Scarlet was concerned she didn't know if it would work. For that matter she didn't know if it would work with Lieutenant Carlisle either. Placing her hands in her lap Kiri looked at her, what kind of friend could she be?

"Good," Delainey replied with a smile. She decided not to push any further and to simply focus on spending time with Kiri.

Silence settled for a while as Kiri tried to settle herself into the seat, "Would you like something to eat?"

"Sure," Delainey replied. "I was just thinking of what I want. What are you going to have?"

"A boiled egg," Kiri answered, "Maybe two," She was feeling a slight protein craving and she hadn't had eggs in a while.

Delainey nodded. She was craving protein too, but decided to go for something a bit heavier. "I'm going to order a French Dip sandwich. It's got roast beef, cheese, and mushrooms, and it comes with a side of beef gravy to dip it in. Had anything like it?"

"Not in a sandwich," While she wasn't very keen on having cheese on cooked meats she had tried it a few times, "Do you like French food?" Kiri moved to trying to make small talk as best she could.

Delainey nodded and smiled. "There's not many foods I don't like," she added with a laugh, "though I haven't tried many foods from outside Earth. What do you like to eat most?"

"I like my mother's cooking," Kiri answered in a measured way, ""Egg fried rice, beef and wild mushrooms is my favourite." Standing up she made a start towards the replicator but waited for Delainey.

Delainey followed suit and walked with Kiri as they talked, "Sounds delicious! Asian food is definitely a favorite of mine."

Kiri focused on eating rather than talking but there was more talk of Earth and a little of family. It didn't quite feel natural though, she couldn't bring herself to trust Carlisle the way she had Brayden, it would take a while for those wounds to heal.

For her part, Delainey was satisfied with this get together. Kiri was open to new ideas concerning her thinking and social approaches which boded well professionally speaking, but even more than that Kiri had opened up a bit more personally. It would take time to build rapport Carlisle knew, but this was quite a start.

[OFF]
----------

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo

RSS Feed