Just the Worst Thing (Part 2 of 2)

Posted on 29 Mar 2015 @ 12:37pm by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Commander Andreus Kohl

2,424 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Nautilus - Deck 2, Executive Officer's Quarters / USS Galileo - Deck 4, Compartment 1007 EN
Timeline: MD -03, 2017 hours

Previously in "Just the Worst Thing"...

Kohl's head was whirling now, struggling to be present with Ellsworth, while also trying to glean some shred of context from their brief conversation. The reference to lecture had come out of an unseen black hole, as far as Kohl was concerned, which caused the furrows across Kohl's brow to deepen. He was inclined to ask about lectures, but he cut to what he supposed would be the heart of it. "Ellsworth," Kohl said, in an even tone. "Is people what you need to talk about?"

And now the conclusion!


[ON]

Ellsworth hesitated for only a moment before whining, "Are you sure you can't come here? Nobody would know."

He folded into himself in the chair by bringing his knees up to his chin and hugging them. Dark, inky eyes stared over the top of them into the monitor, and the rest of his pouty face was hidden. He knew he probably should talk about "people" but he didn't really want to. He found himself longing for Kohl beyond reason; all he wanted to do in that moment was curl up against the other man's frame, feel his arms around him and run slender fingers along the contours of his large hands. It was a strong pull and need for shelter that he knew was going to go unanswered.

"Oren is my boyfriend. I mean... Kinda. I don't know. I don't even know what he is. He's something. We're something, together, I mean." Ellsworth rolled his eyes, already getting frustrated trying to explain it. "But then K'os has come back, you know him, right? Cute...sexy...funny guy in engineering with dimples?"

Watching Ellsworth intently, Kohl nodded once. He said, "I know K'os. He's enrolled in the continuing education course I'm taking." Kohl delivered the words in an unequivocal timbre. It was a statement of fact to acknowledge Ellsworth's question, while intoning that Ellsworth should continue.

"Oh." Ellsworth clamped his mouth shut and reflected on that for only the briefest moment; a continuing education course sounded like something K'os would do, and didn't he have some memory of that from their last pairing? It was hazy... "K'os and I were seeing each other before he left the ship. We would...bond." He blushed and looked down and off to the side thinking about it. "Physically, like, of course. But also telepathically. So when he came back, I just... I felt it. You can't have that with someone and then just act like it doesn't exist all the sudden. I could do a pretty good job when he was far away and I didn't know where he was or whatever, but now that he's back I don't think about anything else... I can't stay with Oren, and people act like it's just the worst thing. Like I'm awful or something. Am I awful?"

"Ellsworth," Kohl said in an intonation that implied, come on, think about it. There was only conviction in Kohl's voice, when he said, "You're talking about expressing your truest feeling for other beings, and making your own decisions about who you want to spend your time with, your life with. You're talking about love... Maybe not forever-love or storybook-love, but it's still love. How could your choices be awful? How can love be awful?"

"I don't know," Ellsworth admitted, sounding more than a little whiny. "When it hurts someone? I love Oren, and I care about him. But I need to be with K'os. I wish I didn't have to hurt Oren to do it. He's really sweet, even if he is crabby with you. I know he'll get over it, but I jus' feel so guilty." He raised his hands in the air in frustration and then let them fall into his lap, making a slapping sound against his bare thighs that partially masked a weary sigh. "I hate Starfleet. I didn't have to deal with none of this dumb stuff before."

Kohl frowned wistfully, and he tilted his head to the left. He didn't say anything at first. All at once, he felt terribly old. And it wasn't just because his lower back hurt. "Ellsworth," Kohl said, staring up at the screen, "You are going to hurt people. That became a foregone conclusion the moment you stepped outside your home. It's happened. It's done. I'm not saying you should set about breaking rib-cages, but if you're going to cry about it every time you hurt a man, you're doubling the amount of hurt going 'round. You can't make decisions of the heart to be nice. You need to make a decision that feels right -- even if only for right now."

"Uggggh," Ellsworth groaned. His face appeared larger and larger in the viewscreen until it black out completely and a thud sound announced his forehead making contact with the console. His voice was low and slightly garbled when he spoke, like his mouth was covering the microphone. "I don't care if I hurt people; I used to hurt people all the time. But Oren isn't just..." Light partially flooded the screen as he pulled back; it illuminated just half of his face, which remained incredibly close to the camera. "No, you're right. It's the decision that feels right now. I can worry about the other stuff as it comes. Right?"

"If you're sure it feels right to you, then: yeah," said Kohl. He was heartened to hear what sounded more like naked honesty in Ellsworth's words. "I don't think you can make decisions like that in the same way one makes decisions about warp field geometry or prescription dosage. This is a decision you have to be able to live with forever, and for right now." Kohl sat back on his sofa, going suddenly quiet then. He sat there wondering if he had just pushed Oren into the path of a speeding shuttle, and wondering exactly why he had done that.

Ellsworth was entirely unfamiliar with how people made decisions about warp field geometry and prescription dosages, but he imagined they took a lot of intellectual thought. You probably didn't calculate warp field geometry based on your feelings. At least, he didn't think so. As much as they changed and warped and shifted, he did know his feelings. They weren't always easy to understand, but they were there. They were knowable. And now, they were dominated by K'os.

"Yes. Yes, I know what to do," he said firmly, leaning back from the monitor until his face and torso were clearly visible again. He seemed to vacillate once more but eventually nodded and smiled. It took only the briefest moment for the smile to turn lecherous as his attention focused back on the scantily-clad Kohl as opposed to what Kohl was saying. He'd been easily distracted by the conversation and the weighty matters, but how far was sensuality from a Betazoid's grasp, anyway? "I'll have to thank you properly when you get back..."

Kohl folded his arms over his bare chest, and he narrowed his eyes on Ellsworth. At first, Kohl made no attempt to hide the way he watched Ellsworth's body, even watching the way he moved. Afterwards, his sapphire eyes settled on Ellsworth's eyes, and he stared right at him. "That will depend, no?" Kohl asked. His inflection was playful, but there was an edge of challenge to it. Kohl shifted against the back of the sofa and relaxed his arms by his sides. "It will depend on your conversation with Oren, and depend on your conversation with K'os?"

Ellsworth bristled at the tone and the implication that he needed anyone's permission to do anything. He frowned a little and met Kohl's eyes, as if to challenge him. "Says who? I'm my own man, I can make my own decisions." He omitted that K'os didn't care and Oren would soon be out of the picture, thrown under the bus by the plak tow and the advice of Kohl, among others. It seemed more important to assert his independence without qualification, which he usually did by backing someone up to a bulkhead. But, barring that, a good stare would have to do.

At Ellsworth's question, Kohl squinted all the more. He had lost his place in his line of reasoning somewhere, and Ellsworth's question had spun him all the more. "Yes-- yes-- you can make your own decisions," Kohl said. He was sputtering a bit at first, and then he nodded in Ellsworth's direction. "You should make your own decisions, in fact." --Kohl narrowed his eyes again, trying to make sense of what he had been thinking-- "I suppose, I'm questioning if you'll still decide you want me in three days from now. Three days is a long time."

Ellsworth, naturally, picked the most unbelievably naive response one could offer: "I don't see what could possibly happen in three days to make me change my mind." The idea of it seemed so ridiculous he even took the time and effort to roll his eyes. "Is your penis gonna fall off? Are you gonna turn into a nebula monster?"

"Forgive me. What I mean to say is: you are going to want me. There's no question about that," Kohl said, all confidence and bluster. His eyes widened at Ellsworth, and all of the bluster was replaced by something more earnest. "You may decide for yourself that you want one of your other men more."

"Well if you weren't on that stupid ship, I wouldn't even have to worry about that," Ellsworth said, sounding just as petty as he felt. He might have phrased things differently had he stopped to think before he spoke, but he rarely bothered and now didn't really seem like the time to start.

The Nautilus had been a huge inconvenience, blown up to larger than life proportions in his mind from having decided a roll in the sheets was going to be some mind-clearing cure all for his present troubles. After a moment of looking like he was on the borderline of churlishness the whole act seemed to fall apart. His bottom lip poked out in a pout, he blinked his eyes more times than seemed necessary, and his eyes seemed to shift from lust to longing and back again. The transformation was like seeing the dross of a painting wiped away to reveal with clarity what had been hidden below: a very chaotic and roughly made work of art.

"Do you need...exclusivity? I just kinda thought... I mean, even if something happens with them, it's not gonna change the...desire..."

Kohl tried to reply with, "What I need is..." but he huffed out the rest as a frustrated breath. He slumped back into the sofa, and he sighed, "I don't know what I need. I feel like I have the ghost of my father in my head competing with the Areglian in my blood." Shaking his head, Kohl winced again, but there was some self-flagellating mirth in the expression this time. "I need honesty, Ellsworth," said Kohl, with somewhat more certainty. "If you choose to be with K'os, or with Oren, you are welcome in my bed so long as you're capable of telling your partner about it. It doesn't much matter if that means you have an open relationship with rules, or a nebulous relationship with no rules at all, I don't want to be anyone's dirty secret."

Ellsworth gave Kohl a sidelong glance as he felt the creeping sensation of cultural displacement. The easiest reaction was to assume Kohl was implying something about him, probably loose morality given how human the Galileo seemed to be. He was starting to feel like maybe Van Zyl was right, that maybe people did think he would sleep with anyone at anytime under any condition and that he didn't have a personal code of ethics. Or, maybe, he was just paranoid, so accustomed to being and feeling out of place that it was a chip on his shoulder wherever he went.

Or, looking beyond himself (a rarity), Kohl may have suffered at the hands of someone's dishonesty in the past; the thought struck him as he tried to imagine how depreciating that had to be. His features softened, and he leaned toward the monitor with a very earnest look on his very young face. "I wouldn't do that to you, Andreus. Or them. Or anyone. It's not fair."

Kohl had to smile at that. It was a warm smile, and a proud smile. He tilted his head to the side again, bringing his ear close to his shoulder. "I know you wouldn't, Ellsworth," Kohl said fondly. Something about Ellsworth's posture or body language on the LCARS display reminded Kohl of Victarion, all of a sudden. Sweet, beautiful Victarion. His timbre wavering with uncertainty, Kohl said, "...I'm the one who would do that to you. I shouldn't, but I would. That's why I need to talk about it. Evaluate it. Evaluate me."

Ellsworth lifted both eyebrows in question but remained silent. Given all the commentary and looks he endured, he should be the last person to pass judgment. He didn't know anything about Argelian society, especially not sexual mores, so it seemed best not to issue too hasty a condemnation. His intuition told him it was wrong, even as some darker and highly sexualized part found appeal in being someone's dirty secret. The thought left him a little put out with himself, and he frowned from it.

"Well, you can't hurt me if I don't make myself hurtable," he said, trying to offer up something helpful.

Kohl smiled faintly to show his appreciation for Ellsworth's words. With a certain level of certainty, Kohl said, "I'll see you in four days, Ellsworth."

"Okay, four days!" Ellsworth said excitedly, rocketing up out of the chair in all his exposed glory. He had to go see Oren, talk things out, then see K'os, talk things out, then wait four days... He turned to walk away but caught himself. He bent down to the camera and planted a kiss on it, then flashed a smile at Kohl. "Thank you... For calling. And listening. Four days."

And then he was gone.

OFF:

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

Lieutenant Commander Andreus Kohl
Executive Officer
USS Nautilus

RSS Feed

Comments (1)