Miscalculated Intentions

Posted on 05 May 2015 @ 2:17pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont & Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D.

4,100 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 5
Timeline: MD -02, 1300

ON

Hojo's feet padded softly along the corridor, with his nose nearly glued to the ground, sniffing. He was tracking something, or someone. Every so often he would stop, What's that? That's a Human. Ooh, what's that? There's an animal in those quarters, but not the thing I'm looking for. This? Yes...wait, no. That's bacon. I love bac--Oh! There's the smell I'm looking for. Hojo took off down the corridor.

K'os, who had been trailing close behind, was impressed that his 'plan B' for finding Oren seemed to be working. Ever since he'd been given guardianship of Hojo, K'os had done a lot of research for dog care -- which meant a solid forty-five minutes of memorizing Veterinary textbooks. Their sense of smell was notorious and while it seemed a stretch at the time, he figured all his other attempts at finding Oren hadn't worked yet, so he'd try it. He knew where the man's quarters were from Ellsworth's memories, but discovered he'd moved. He wasn't in the mess hall either (which he learned in hindsight wasn't a good place to bring Hojo). The black and white Collie wanted to socialize with anyone that still had food on their plates.

It wasn't until he'd located Oren's new quarters that the idea to use Hojo had come about. The dog just seemed excited and bounced around barking and wagging his tail, before taking off down the corridor sniffing. It was where K'os found himself now, following quickly behind Hojo. They darted down another corridor. They must being getting closer now that Hojo was wagging his tail a lot and didn't seem as distracted. They finally came upon a holodeck where Hojo sat and wagged his tail. His ears were all perked up in interest.

"He's in there? Good boy!" K'os made sure to praise him like he'd learned, to reinforce the good behaviour. His face scrunched up though when he leaned in to read the monitor on the wall. The room was vacant. Evidently Hojo just wanted to go to the beach and play fetch again. He looked down at him, "Well that plan didn't work." He didn't dare say the word 'beach' outloud. Hojo would recognize it and just get excited and K'os hated disappointing him. "Plan C then, I guess." Plan C of course was to go see if Oren was perhaps in his office. He caught a confused look from Hojo, who was looking at him with a tilted head. "It's not my fault. If Oren was wearing his com badge, this would all be simpler." K'os didn't like the idea of going to Oren's office. If it were him, he would be a little reluctant to talk about personal matters at work. He shook his head of the thought. Nervous or not, K'os needed to talk to the man. He needed to know about Ellsworth, and that was just the way it was. He sighed, before turning towards the nearest turbolift.

The turbolift opened to let out its current passengers. The first to run out was a big gray and black puppy, who immediately ran towards Hojo. With a happy bark, Landi sniffed around her friend, tail wagging tirelessly. Behind her, stepping off the lift, was none other than Oren himself. He looked a little worse for wear, but managed a small smile at Landi's excitement.

He'd been wandering around the ship for what felt like hours, taking care to keep to places that weren't usually filled to the brim with crew. He'd even left his comm badge in his quarters, wanting to avoid all interruption. He was enjoying the solitude, but it was a hollow replacement for the trips he'd take to run away from his problems. But maybe this was better, he tried to reason. Maybe staying might prove to be more beneficial. Like suicide, running away was always an option, his mind reasoned cheerfully. Stepping off the turbolift, he was surprised to see Asahi's dog with someone he didn't recognise. Showing his curiosity, he gave the man a kind nod before kneeling down next to Hojo. "Hello, you," he greeted him, reaching into his pocket to pull out a couple of treats for the two puppies. "Who do you have here, Hojo? A new friend?" he asked, looking up at the other man finally before standing up.

K'os had been unprepared to see Oren so suddenly and his control on his emotions had been loose since he had started his search. He found a sinking knot feeling in his stomach forming and his hands started to tremble just a little. "Oren..." He said with a small voice. Ellsworth's memories seemed to suck towards his consciousness like a vacuumbot was sitting on his brain, busy looking for everything he knew about Oren. He pulled and shoved at feelings that rose to get rid of them, clamping down on them as desperately as one would try and stop a leaking pipe. By the time Oren had stood, K'os was under control. Not quick enough as he felt his reddened eyes were crying from the emotion of it all. He wiped at his cheeks roughly with the back of his hand. He cleared his throat, now composed, and said, "I'm sorry, I mean Doctor Idris. I'm Beaumont. K'os Beaumont."

Oren felt his expression change from the slight smile to what he hoped was a neutral expression, lips pursed and eyes wide while trying to control his emotions. He swallowed hard, wanting to push away the lump that was slowly forming in his throat. Like K'os, Oren felt unprepared for their meeting and briefly considered how rude it might be if he just turned around, got on the turbolift and left. Surely, it was a reaction he was entitled to after the way Ellsworth had treated him. But as soon as the thought appeared in his mind, it faded. After all, it was what Ellsworth did, not K'os. If anything, K'os seemed to be the only innocent in this entire situation. Oren's hurt and sadness mostly focused on Ellsworth's actions, as well as his own.

Standing awkwardly there, Oren wrapped his arms around himself to hide the shaking that would no doubt follow the dread he felt. Not knowing what else to say to him, Oren went by the route of least resistance, his first instinct to get the interaction over with as soon as possible, while remaining as civil and non-threatening as possible. "What..uh..." His voice broke slightly and Oren cleared his throat, hoping the rest of his words would come out steady. They did.

"What can I do for you?"

K'os looked down at their fur companions playing. An image at odds with how the two men were feeling, standing there. With his emotions controlled, he looked more confident than he had at the start and he waved a hand as if wiping Oren's question away. "I don't need anything from you, Oren. But I was looking for you. There's a conversation I really think we need to have."

"Is there?" Oren asked, his tone a lot colder than he'd expected. It was difficult for him to find a balance in how to act in such a state. He either allowed his voice to show how he really felt, making it shaky and uncertain, or he suppressed his feelings completely. Despite the strange tangle their lives have gotten into, K'os was a complete stranger to Oren and he felt himself at a disadvantage. No doubt Ellsworth had shared a lot about him to K'os and Oren felt vulnerable with such an unbalance between them.

Suddenly startling as the turbolift opened to let out a few crewmembers, Oren remembered their surroundings. If this talk was going to happen between them, he felt it would be best they retreat to somewhere more private. He'd reserved a short session for himself and Landi in the holodeck and decided that was probably the best place to go. It would be private enough for them to talk, but Oren hoped, with the right program, he wouldn't feel too cooped up. As it was, Oren's anxiety made him feel like the walls of the corridor were closing in on him.

K'os studied Oren's face. Even after all the training he'd done with his Vulcan friend Toor, he still found it surreal to see someone's face for the first time, yet know every feature of it from memories that were not his. He simply nodded in response to his question as he worked to separate Ellsworth's emotions and memories from his own. He could only imagine what Oren was thinking at this moment. Without direct touch, K'os was sometimes at a loss trying to figure out how other people felt.

"Is there somewhere we can talk privately?" K'os' forehead knitted in concern, "I know this is unexpected, and intrusive and I apologise for that." K'os licked his lips nervously. "But I don't make flippant statements, it's quite important that I tell you what I have to say." K'os' heart beat faster as they drew closer to the thing that K'os had to say. He wanted to blurt it all out now, and get it over with. This was the last step in K'os' plan to reunite Ellsworth and Oren, to set things right, and he was determined to make it happen.

"Maybe the holodeck?" Oren said, motioning with a nod towards the room a few paces away. He found it slightly disconcerting that K'os would mention something he'd just been thinking about, but Oren realised that might be slightly paranoid on his part. Reaching down, Oren picked up Landi, enjoying the soothing warmth of her against him as he led them towards the holodeck, taking care to put as much space between him and K'os as the corridor allowed.

Walking ahead of the Vulcanoid, Oren wracked his brain trying to figure out what exactly K'os wanted to tell him. Briefly he considered that maybe Ellsworth was unwell, but he tossed that thought away immediately. It was just his feelings for the Betazoid talking. No, this seemed more serious. Perhaps Ellsworth had sent him to speak on his behalf. That very idea sent ripples of anger through Oren, right from the pit of his stomach to his arms and he had to remind himself of the creature resting in them to keep from tightening his hold. That seemed like a likely possibility but Oren prayed with every fiber of his body that it wasn't true. He wasn't sure he could handle such an exchange gracefully.

K'os kept a bit of distance between them. Hojo walked alongside the hybrid, glued to his left leg as if instinctively feeling the man's tension. As they walked, K'os would occasionally reach down and nuzzle the back of the collie's head so as to feel the dog's excitement and curiosity. It was soothing and much better than focusing on his own feelings.

As they approached the holodeck he removed his hand from Hojo and allowed his own feelings to reassert itself again. His chest rose and fell with each deep breath and his heart beat hard enough he could almost feel his blood pressure rising. He followed Oren into the holodeck and was struck with the sudden realization that he wasn't even sure where to even start. "I'll be honest, I'm not sure how to begin. I think there's a large discrepancy between how you perceive what was told to you by Ellsworth, and the actual facts." His tone was surprisingly calm for how restless his legs were. He sounded factual and professional. It was his way to guard himself from emoting too strongly in front of Oren. "I also think, considering your age and species you can understand and appreciate the implications when I say that I have just recently taken Ellsworth to Sickbay to receive treatment for an addiction."

Oren tried his best not to take offense at someone he didn't know thinking they had any idea what he understood, or even appreciated. He failed, giving K'os a less than pleased look, his arms defensively crossed over his chest after putting Landi down to explore. His eyes widened slightly at the mention of an addiction and he felt his mind spin for a moment. Ellsworth, an addict? To what? They'd spent so much time together, Oren had never seen the Betazoid show any sign of being addicted to a substance. Narrowing his eyes, he studied K'os, trying to ascertain why the half-Vulcan would give no details. It had to be something Oren should be familiar with.

His mind worked, but under it all he couldn't help the current of worry that slowly built for Ellsworth's wellbeing. Why wasn't K'os with Ellsworth, if he was in such a bad way? And why tell Oren?

He couldn't imagine such a situation where he would leave his lover's side to go talk to their ex about something, unless it was...

"You bonded badly," Oren finally said, his mind putting the pieces together. Pulling on his past experience living on Betazed, surrounded by Ellsworth's kind, it was the only conclusion that made sense. K'os would have to stay away for their safety. But why come to Oren?

"I still don't understand why you're telling me this," he voiced.

Did he expect Oren to just forget everything, say 'Poor Ellsworth' and go running to Sickbay? Hopefully not.

"Because we didn't just bond badly, I mean we did...badly. But it was accidental and aggressive. I'm telling you this because I know you care for him and I assumed you would want to know. I don't love Ellsworth, Oren." He shrugged. There was so much that Oren didn't know, that he was finding it hard to form his words. "I thought I loved him, but I was confused and drawn into something I didn't understand or could control. I left him when I recognized our physical dependence on the bond was starting to become overwhelming. I left my friends. I left the ship. I disappeared." K'os looked around the holodeck and realized a program wasn't running, though Hojo seemed quite content just having a space larger than K'os' quarters to run around in. He looked back at Oren, "I didn't mean to come back to Galileo. Lieutenant Kita arranged it and I was transferred back. Ellsworth is just as confused as I was. His dependence on the mind meld clouds his mind just as strongly as my addiction to psilosynine."

That was the first time he'd said those words out loud and it stunned him a little. He didn't know what else to do but just keep talking. He had limited experience with El-Aurians and he wondered briefly if K'os' willingness to be so open was an ability of Oren's species or if that was just rumour. He pushed on, "He loves you, Oren." K'os raised his palms, "I know because I felt it and I feel horrible that I caused all this to spiral out of control." He lowered his hands slowly. "I don't know what else to say. I've convinced him to seek treatment, and he's admitted to having a problem. I've also been ordered to see a counselor and stay away from Ellsworth, which was my intention regardless. I just don't know how to fix this. I can't stop myself from trying to fix the relationship you had with him before I sabotaged it."

Listening to K'os speak, Oren could almost feel his abdomen constrict as bile entered his mouth. Not wanting to appear more antagonistic, the El-Aurian tried his best to school his expression but was unsure of the result. Instead, he took in each word, each inflection and movement from the man in front of him, his mind painting a rather vivid picture.

"You didn't sabotage my relationship with Ellsworth," he finally managed to say after a few beats of silence passed between them. "Ellsworth and I had problems beyond you. He used me, and manipulated me to make himself feel good long before you showed up." He shrugged, taking a few steps to walk away from K'os, to the side, just to release some of the pent up tension inside him.

"To tell you the truth, I really don't appreciate this because..." He sighed. "You're basically doing the same thing he did," Oren told him, turning to face him fully again. "Because that's what this feels like. You left Ellsworth to himself in Sickbay and now, since you know I care for him, you give me excuses for his behaviour. And for what? Not because you want me and Ellsworth to be together, that's just a tool you're using to make yourself feel better. So that you can carry on with your life, absolved of your guilt." Oren knew, as he spoke, that he might be unnecessarily harsh towards the hybrid, but at that moment he didn't really care. He was sick of everyone either pitying him or telling him his feelings were wrong, or exaggerated.

"What? That's not--" K'os' tone was confused and slightly panicked, and his expression dissolved into worry. Anyone that knew K'os well would have disagreed with the characterization, as his decisions and actions had always derived from altruism. The welfare of others seemed to even supersede his own at times. "You're wrong, Doctor." he blurted. His words coming out clipped and choppy. "About me," he clarified. He was quite visibly upset by Oren's words, and his ears had started to turn red as his blood pressure rose. "I can't stop you from applying motivations to my decision to reach out. You don't know me at all, so that's more of a reflection on you. I feel badly that I've given you this impression. You said it yourself that you had problems before I came back. Do you know how a mind meld works, Doctor? I unintentionally altered his brain chemistry, his neurons, his emotions. When I met Ellsworth, he was broken and hurt from a past I could never imagine myself living through, and you ended up getting the scrambled version. You say I'm giving you excuses, but I'm not saying this to obtain forgiveness. I'm explaining the basis for a series of actions."

"Why?" Oren asked outright, looking at K'os. "What do you think this is going to achieve? As much as I don't know you, you don't know me either. Yes, I know how mind melds work," he pointed out, referring to the hybrid's comment. "I know you probably think you do through the connection with Ellsworth, but even Ellsworth doesn't really know me. The way Ellsworth acted towards me hurt me and I'm just supposed to shrug my shoulders and push all of those feelings aside as if they were irrelevant? Just say 'Well, he didn't mean it' and ignore it all?" Oren's voice took on the clear note of the frustration he was beginning to feel. He couldn't help that, at the moment, he felt frustrated with K'os most of all. In Oren's mind, he felt pushed into a corner, being told all of this so suddenly. What was he supposed to say? To explain to K'os what he was feeling would require sharing information he didn't want to share with people much closer to him that the half-Vulcan was. What kind of reaction was K'os hoping for, ambushing him like this? What was Oren supposed to think?

This was all becoming too much too suddenly and it was all Oren could do to keep the tears of frustration at bay.

"In a way, yes I am. I do it all the time. Pushing aside your feelings gives you perspective on situations clouded by emotions that you think are rational at the time when really they cloud your judgment." In fact, right at that point K'os began the process of disconnecting from his emotions right then and there. The words coming out of Oren were emotionally charged and K'os felt as though the other man was beginning to turn stubborn. It was quite obvious that how K'os envisioned the conversation going was not happening at all.

K'os was also dangerously close to becoming angry, and if that happened...well, K'os wasn't going to let that happen. "I'm not telling you how to feel, doctor. I think in this matter, you're being obtuse for a clear reason, and perhaps when you're not so upset you can reflect on that. I just told you that the person that you had strong feelings for wasn't acting with rational thought or a healthy mind, sitting in sickbay seeking treatment and your first reaction is to close down and hold on to your hurt like...well, like someone much, much younger than you are. I'm sorry for your hurt. I feel badly for the pain you feel caused by Ellsworth, and now ultimately me. I wish I could make that go away, I truly do. I don't like seeing people in pain, but somehow I don't think you really care how I see things." K'os looked over to his fur companion, "Hojo, come, let's go boy." K'os turned away from Oren, but after considering his thoughts he turned back.

"I told you because, if it were me, I would want to know what he was going through. I would want to go to him to see for myself what he was going through to put my thoughts into perspective. I told you, because I care. If you want to compare your hurt with that of someone with neuronal damage and unhealthy telepathic attachment who wasn't acting rationally, well, then doctor that's for you to work out. I've said what I had to say, do with it what you will."

Oren bit the inside of his mouth to keep from saying something he'd regret. At K'os' words, he felt another stab of hurt and guilt tear through him. How could K'os tell him these things? While Oren did have a slightly better understanding of why Ellsworth acted the way he did, understanding why someone hurt you doesn't make the pain go away. He could barely believe what K'os was telling him, but tried not to be angry with him.

It was easy for him to brush aside his feelings, being half Vulcan, or so Oren thought. K'os may have thought that he wasn't telling Oren how to feel, but the El-Aurian in question knew that it was exactly what he was telling him. You're being irrational. You need perspective. You're taking this too seriously, Oren. Those were all the things he heard from K'os', things he'd heard before.

If it were me.

But it wasn't him, Oren thought. It wasn't K'os that trusted someone for the first time in years, and then had that trust betrayed. It wasn't K'os who allowed himself to feel vulnerable to someone and realise that everything he thought he had with them was a lie.

And K'os definitely wasn't the one being ambushed in a corridor to be reminded how selfish he was for feeling hurt, or how his feelings no longer mattered now that there was someone whose pain was more worthy of attention. As if one pain could be measured in units and then compared to another.

All of these things hit Oren at once as he felt the metallic taste of blood from the wound he was slowly making on his cheek. He looked away, turning his attention to Landi as he let K'os leave in silence.

K'os paused at the door and looked over his shoulder at Oren. It seemed to him, that once again K'os' willingness to want to help and fix things had only made it worse. It was a recurring theme for the hybrid. In K'os' mind seeking Oren out was the only option he could see. Whether the man had said otherwise, K'os still believed that Oren needed to know about Ellsworth. What do you think this is going to achieve? Oren had asked him, and perhaps that was the problem right there.
K'os didn't think. He simply acted on his instinct to reach out.

With a sad look in his eyes, the hybrid turned and left the holodeck; the silence drifted behind him like a gust of wind.

END

Oren Idris, Ph.D.
Archaeologist/Anthropologist
USS Galileo

Ensign K'os Beaumont
Assistant Chief Engineer
USS Galileo

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