Vicious Circles

Posted on 01 Apr 2015 @ 10:03pm by Lieutenant Prudence Devin Ph.D. & Chief Warrant Officer 3 Alexion Wylde

2,340 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3 - Counselling office
Timeline: MD -03, 1500

ON:

Prudence smiled as she saw the man enter and she stood, respectfully. She had left a message for him that he was to see her. No buts. No arguments. She had made it clear it wasn't a request, it was an order. "Doctor Wylde," she said, smiling gently as she met his eyes. "We have not properly met. I am Lt. Prudence Devin, Chief Counsellor. Would you like some tea?"

"I would like to know why I am here," Alexion replied bluntly, frowning deeply as he folded his arms, bemused. "I'm not due a check up. And I have not gone crazy, so...."

She held his eyes before smiling gently. "I have not met you yet...and seeing as we are on this training mission together, I thought we could have a bit of a...chat. I know your check up isn't due yet, but I think we could do with sitting down and talking. I am not interested in removing you from duty."

"Hm..." his eyes narrowed slightly as he contemplated what she said, moving slowly to sit down with her. "Okay," he finally said, nodding slowly. "Then...that tea sounds nice, thank you."

She nodded, getting the teapot and two small cups. She poured, watching his face briefly. "I met your son in sickbay earlier. He is a delightful youth."

Alexion chuckled softly, shaking his head with a small smile as he shifted the chair closer. "Delightful? Hm....that's an interesting word," he teased gently. "But he's certainly amazing. But I am allowed to think so."

"He is compassionate and intelligent. And polite," she said and smiled as she sat down, holding his eyes. "Those qualities make him delightful to me. You must be so proud."

"I am," he admitted quietly with a soft sigh. "He's been through a lot, and he deals with it like a real man."

"Like you deal with things?" Prudence asked, curious as she sipped her tea. "I...am under the impression you two are similar."

Alexion looked into his tea with a frown, the cup seeming too delicate in his hands. "Has...he been talking to you?" he asked lightly, things starting to click into place.

"We might have chatted," she said and met his eyes. "Briefly. He is quite a bright spark around sickbay today, soaking all the knowledge up."

Alexion's features became tense at the words, his eyes darkening as he crossed his arms with a sigh. That was the last thing he'd wanted to hear. "He's a quick learner."

She studied his reactions, tilting her head. "Yet not what you wish for him," she said softly, a statement of fact rather than a guess. He was very human in his reaction...it helped.

Alexion hesitated a long moment, holding her eyes and seeing the recognition there, knowing there was no point in denying it. "No," he said quietly. "I was forced to become a doctor. I will not have it put on him too."

"Understandable. And he won't...he will have his own choices to make, just like any other member of the Federation," Prudence said gently, giving him a reassuring smile. "He can be anything he desires. Well, within reason. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a space pirate and I hear that is illegal."

Alexion chuckled softly at the idea of it, shaking his head lightly. "Well do not be putting that idea into his head too. I have never wanted him to follow in my footsteps. And I always hoped his Talent would not be the same as mine."

"What is the Talent?" Prudence asked gently, holding his eyes with a weak smile. "I understand it is different from person to person?"

Alexion nodded gently, surprised at the knowledge she already had. It wasn't always the case. "My people develop Talents as they become adults, but there are different types, often they are passed on through the family lines. I am a Transferrer, is the closest translation here. I...'transfer' from myself to others or from others to myself, through touch. Energy, thoughts, feelings, memories, but it also means I can 'heal' others, using my own energy to...'pour' into the other person. In our culture, we are not allowed to pick our own career. We are given our profession based on our Talent. And I was forced to become a Doctor because of the healing property. It would have been that or the military to be a part of the Duel, but I was the son of a High-Pralor on the Vaeron High Council, so I was forced to the medical profession. And I will never have Laeon made to feel he has to do the same. Ever. It won't happen."

Prudence smiled gently as she watched him, taking it in for a moment. "It must be difficult," she said softly. "Being so far away from your home, raising your son here...balancing your culture and this new environment."

"Yes," Alexion said gruffly, looking down at his hands with a deep frown. "He would have grown old with his people at home. Here...people he loves will die before he does. He is older than most here yet younger in mind. He has seen...so much. He was in the house when our family was slaughtered by that filth, but he never talks about it. Ever."

Prudence frowned, watching him for a long moment. "I think he might worry too much about hurting you to tell you," she said softly. "It's not uncommon. What about you? What do you hide from him, emotionally?"

Alexion watched her with surprise at the words, holding his breath at what she had seen. "I...." he shook his head, considering whether to reply or not. In the end, he replied through his concern for his son. "We were separated during the attack on my home world. I don't really know what happened to him during those days, and...I don't tell him what happened to me. I managed to get him on a shuttle out. I stayed. But his Talent his starting to develop. He knows when I am having a nightmare now."

"And what are the nightmares about?" Prudence asked as she held his eyes, not letting go. She had a connection now with him and she was damned if she was letting go of it.

"Mostly home," he shrugged heavily, looking away to the viewport, frowning with it as he let out a long, shaking breath. "Usually what happened in the days they attacked my world."

She nodded in acknowledgement of his words, watching his face. "Can you tell me about it?" she asked softly. She suspected that he would never have told his son.

"Not all that much to tell," Alexion shrugged lightly, as if saying that would make it fact. It was easier than facing the truth of it. "My planet was attacked by neighbours who we had been in a peace treaty with for some time. No warning. And how quickly it happened, they must have had traitors on the inside. It became apparent quickly that they weren't taking prisoners. Just slaughtering. A massacre of my people. The assault lasted days. I...remained at the hospital, to try and care for the wounded pouring in under the attack. I made Laeon leave with my brother. I think he hated me in that moment."

"He was scared of losing you," she whispered, watching him for a long moment. "It must have been...to put a human idea to it...Hell," she didn't mince her words with it. "A trauma to you too. Surviving it when so many died."

Alexion's jaw tightened as he looked down, to hide the redness of his eyes as he swallowed hard, tensing his muscles to keep himself under control. "We were such a small group that fled the hospital. No one else could....no one else was able....we had to leave others behind."

Prudence nodded, watching the man closely...at how controlled he was. "You needed to survive," she said softly. "You couldn't save anymore than you did. And you had to live, for your son's sake. Survivor's guilt can be...crippling. Inside. "

Shaking his head, Alexion just looked away, tense, rubbing his thumb against the line of his jaw, not wanting to say out loud what had come to mind.

"Alexion?" she said softly, watching how tense he was. "Tell me what is on your mind," she said, an instruction.

He glanced to her, his eyes a dark violet as he licked his lips, his hands rubbing together, working hard against the friction, as if it could block out the grief and anger of it. "Doctors are meant to heal. Instead, we found ourselves....easing the journey to death for the patients who wouldn't be able to run. That filth pushed us to that. Even when we ran, we couldn't protect each other, not all of us, not all of the time, no matter how hard we fought and how much blood was spilled...it didn't make a difference, not all of our group survived."

"But some did," Prudence pointed out, holding his eyes as she took in his words. "What would have happened if you had not eased them into death? What would the enemy have done to your patients?" It was a brutal question, one that laid it all bare. But Prudence wanted him to see things not just as doctor, but as a person. That some rules, some instincts, had to be bent in extreme cases.

Alexion let out a long, tired breath, rubbing the back of his neck with a tight, hard hand, trying to ignore the ache and pain knotting inside of him. "They'd have slaughtered them. We had seen some brutal and cruel attacks coming into the hospital. We knew it wouldn't be a clean death once they broke into the hospital. It...we have beliefs where I am from, like....commandments. One of those is the passing should be as easy as possible, the other is that no person should die alone."

"Then you did your duty and should not punish yourself for it," Prudence said firmly, watching his hand, the strength of it rubbing, before frowning. "Don't do that. Don't create physical discomfort to ease a mental one, it will not help."

His hand stopped at the words and he just watched the counsellor for a long moment. He finally let the hand drop, catching his breath. "You should have been born a priest," he chuckled weakly.

Prudence raised an eyebrow, a small smile pulling at her lips. "I suppose I have a talent for it. Now. I believe you...might need some assistance, in easing the guilt and trauma. Someone to talk to. Because this isn't all because of what you experienced...it's also not being able to share it with anyone. You're protective of your son. You can't tell him this yet, you're not ready for it...and maybe neither is he. But until you find a place in you where this becomes...something you've experienced rather than reliving, you will keep having nightmares. And Laeon will keep being worried."

"But what about him?" Alexion asked with concern, shaking his head firmly as he swallowed, leaning forward to her. "He won't tell me what he saw, what it was like on his side of those days."

"Maybe like you, he isn't ready to tell you yet," Prudence said softly, watching him. "But he might tell me, as he can't hurt me by saying it. Eventually, I suspect you will tell him what happened, but I also think it will be when he stops being your dependent. When he is a grown man."

Alexion let out a long, tight breath, nodding tiredly as he watched her. "I find this hard," he admitted quietly. "It feels...private. Like...it was another world. Our world. Like this is my injury, and I should keep it safe and close and personal. But I don't want my lad hurting."

She nodded gently at the words, smiling weakly. "And he doesn't like you hurting. You are both very similar, Alexion. But you are bottling up a lot of pain that you need to...deal with. It'll end up easing things in the long run."

"Some days, I want to forget any of it ever happened," Alexion said on a quiet, rough voice. "Other days....I want to hold it so close to never forget it."

"You need to carry it inside, part of you," Prudence said bluntly. "Part of you, but something accepted. You fight with it. You fight with the emotions...perhaps you feel weak for it, or shamed...but until you accept the actions without shame, it will haunt you. And this place, these conversations...they can help."

Alexion fell silent, hearing her, absorbing the words, forcing himself to accept them. "If you think it will help Laeon...I'll give it a try. But I can't promise to be easy."

"Something worthwhile is never easy," Prudence said as she held his eyes. "All I ask is no lies. Even if it means you telling me you don't know what to say. And in return, I will not lie to you. I will not try to spare your feelings. I will only offer a different way of viewing something."

Alexion held her eyes intently for several moments, just watching her, seeing the truth of it. He finally gave a nod, his features almost stern with the weight of it all.

Prudence nodded in agreement before taking a deeper breath, a small smile coming to her. "Good. Now...I know you are busy. But maybe...tell your son you saw me. And I will schedule another appointment with you."

Sighing heavily at the prospect, Alexion nodded all the same, frowning as he looked to her with open, upturned palms. "Deal."

OFF:

Lt. Prudence Devin
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

&

CWO3 Alexion Wylde
Doctor
USS Galileo
[PNPC Blake]

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