Ending Of Chaotic Love

Posted on 03 Apr 2015 @ 7:14pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Commander Allyndra illm Warraquim

3,807 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3 - Sickbay
Timeline: MD -02 first hour of Gamma

[ ON ]

"There's a lot of unusual activity in the paracortex, elevated psilosynine readings, some moderate inflammation, and signs of general mental and physical fatigue," Ellsworth thought he heard the nurse say. He turned his head to look at the other side of the biobed and smiled a little at seeing, through blurry and tired eyes, the diminutive form of the ship's acting Executive Officer.

He'd been lucid enough to request her presence when they arrived in Sickbay as he didn't know the other physicians and his run-ins with disapproving, judgmental physicians on Betazed and Risa had left him nervous and uncomfortable with medical professionals he didn't know. Now that she was here, she could fix everything.

K'os was nearby; he didn't dare to look at him, but he could feel him anyway. Just the slightest slip in the Betazoid's already frayed and immature mental discipline and he imagined he could feel the heat of the other man's hand on his cheek, his arm, his chest. And it, strongly suppressed by K'os but still hungry and dark... Allyndra will fix everything, Ellsworth told himself as he leaned back against the biobed. She was the real Chief Medical Officer. She would just scan him and give him some medicine and then let him touch K'os again. She'd make it so they could be together. One little shot and an hour later he could have him.

Allyndra was puzzled by the readings. "Have you been using your telepathy a lot? That would help explain the elevated levels and partially account for your fatigue. You need to be careful though, over use will lead the cells that produce the transmitter to 'burn' out and of course cause a very painful effect with permanent loss of your ability. Anyway, let me give you a booster for your fatigue and I am going to give you an artificial psilosynine shot so your cells can take a break alright?"
Allyndra was curious as to what Ells had been doing with his telepathy but it might be a Betazoid thing that was best left out of the conversation. She had made her admonishment and trusted a patient to take her advice before interfering too much in their personal lives.

While Ellsworth met with the doctor, K'os was in the waiting room area pacing. He knew taking Ellsworth to sickbay was the right decision, even though in this particular moment K'os was feeling a little doubtful. His talk with Kohl over subspace chat had given him the confidence to start this process, but with the start of the wargames looming in the next couple days he was starting to question the timing. Despite all the work he was putting into his own mental wall, Ellsworth from somewhere in sickbay was still trying to reach out to him and it was making him exhausted.

Allyndra went to input the dosage and got the hypo. "Alright," she said to Ells, "here we go. This should help." There was that small hiss and she laid the hypo aside. "You should feel better in just a short while. Now then, I would like to see you again in a couple of days. Alright?"

Ellsworth's eyes darted to Allyndra suddenly, as if he was just now hearing her speak. His mind had certainly been elsewhere, focused on K'os. That Vulcan suppression, that Vulcan control... He wasn't sure whether he was annoyed by it or admired it. Or, perhaps, if he hated it. The past few days had taken such a toll on his paracortex that he didn't really feel strong enough to make an effort to get past it; if K'os' mental discipline was a wall then the slender young Betazoid was slumped down against it, pushing only weakly.

"See me again? Why? I mean, I'm cured. You gave me some medicine. Everything is okay, right?" Ellsworth asked, trying to sit up. He looked beyond Allyndra and tried to catch a glimpse of K'os. There was a palpable desperation about the act, like he was growing increasingly anxious about being separated from the other man. "We can touch each other and bond again cuz everything is fixed, right?"

"Bond? I did not know you two had anything like that," Allyndra caught the word and replied. Her mind was thinking about what the two different telepathic species would be like. Vulcan's were touch telepaths unlike Betazoids and with the depletion of the Betazoid neurotransmitter it made her concerned. She had known the Vulcan was around and decided to ask him in.

"Mister K'os would you mind coming in here?" She asked the awaiting Vulcan.

Ellsworth turned and looked expectantly toward the waiting area, anxiously waiting to catch a glimpse of the other man. Despite how exhausted he was, he felt like his emotions were a roiling, tumultuous mess shifting rapidly from one feeling to the next. Or... Was that how K'os always felt? Was he K'os, or was he Ellsworth? Maybe he was K'os and Ellsworth just without K'os' ability to pick and choose his feelings so that they were rushing down on him like a unstoppable cascade.

As K'os came into view, he felt needy, like he wanted to be held all night. He felt lusty and feral, like he wanted to bite the other man's shoulder and claw at his back until he drew blood and claimed what rightfully belonged to him. But above all, he felt the compulsion to bond. It was far more muted now that K'os was in control of himself but whatever part of the call of the plak tow had stayed with Ellsworth remained quietly insistent, whispering devilishly in his ear. In the haze of his exhaustion and under its influence, he truly felt the solution was near at hand. One more hypospray, some kind of flashy medical device, and he'd be able to slide his fingertips over the smooth underside of his imzadi's arm and make him understand...

K'os came into the space, though a little reluctantly. He wasn't sure if Ellsworth had been given anything, but the hybrid could feel the pull from Ellsworth was a little stronger than earlier, as if he'd been given a second wind. He continued to place an iron grip on his control and his emotions, despite him being quite tired from the stress of it all. He was a little sweaty from the exertion. "Is everything alright, Doctor?" He asked, trying to avoid eye contact with Ellsworth.

"Yes, he has just overtaxed his gift. I gave him a booster which should help but he needs to rest it. He mentioned your his Imzadi and that you two share a bond. There is nothing wrong with that but just as a precaution would you please let me do a scan on you as well?"

"Of course, Doctor." K'os's head drifted towards Ellsworth, and a look of concern crossed his face. He continued to look at him, but his next question was directed at the Doctor. "Has he told you more than that though?" He turned his head towards her again, and found himself noticing her eyes for the first time. They were amazingly complex and unique, but it was the sapphire colour that reminded him of Kohl. He had offered to ask for help on his behalf, but K'os had turned it down. Maybe that's what Ellsworth needed. Someone to ask for help. He swallowed hard before continuing, "He was supposed to ask for help. Yes we've bonded. Several times in fact. But the first time, was done poorly and entirely by accident." K'os tapped his head, "Something goes on in here when we connect, and I think we've become dependent on it -- chemically dependent." K'os looked back at Ellsworth again as he continued to speak to her, "His -- our dependence on it now is so strong it pulls on me all the time."

Allyndra listened to the Vulcan's tale. "Dependency? I have never heard of such a thing between two different species. I seem to remember something about Vulcans but that was with groups that did not follow Surak's philosophy. Is this the source of your exhaustion Ellsworth?"

Ellsworth turned away from both of them, as if suddenly transfixed by one of the empty biobeds on the opposing wall. His eyes moved rapidly from one flashing set of lights to another, and he started to fidget under the pressure of two pairs of eyes on him seeking answers that he didn't really want to give. If he said it out loud, it was admitting addiction to both himself and others. Denial became an impossibility. He could no longer pretend that everything was all right or that it would be all right. He knew the bond was dangerous, even as he craved it. And he knew those cravings were unhealthy; the moment K'os had drawn near he'd felt himself begin to succumb to arousal and stimulation despite the half-Vulcan's mental block and his own half-hearted desire to stay strong against it.

He did need help.

"Yes," Ellsworth admitted meekly, turning back and looking only at Allyndra. Looking at K'os was too much right now; he'd caught a glimpse of him as he'd approached from the waiting area and thought he'd never looked more handsome, even with that stoic face. His features softened, and he looked like he was close to crying as he explained, "I need it. I don't know why, but I need it and want it all the time. It feels good, but it's more than that. I just... I feel like I'll die without him. Without it."

Allyndra listened but with more a Counselor's compassion than a doctor's more direct medical question. This was something medically that was out of her depth. She more or less knew the physiology of telepathic nature but never having dealt with it directly it left her feeling a little at a loss. He mentioned dependent but then even she had felt dependent on her love for her husband emotionally.

She smiled and placed a delicate hand on his shoulder, "It is alright. If I understand the Betazoid bond correctly it is like having a deep love. I think you have just overextended yourself and what isn't there is such a new relationship." She smiled and winked.

She patted Ells shoulder for a moment more and then looked to K'os, "well let's get that scan in."

Allyndra patted one of the extra biobeds. "Let's get a quick scan and make sure everything is right with you shall we?"

K'os nodded before reluctantly sitting on the biobed next to Ellsworth. The tingling in his hands was a clear reminder that he needed to remain in control as best he could. His fatigue was starting to get the better of him, giving him a dopey expression. He dared not look at Ells, even if he could feel his eyes on him. He needed the strength to see this through; not just for their sake, but for Oren's. Looking at the Betazoid now, might chip too hard at his resolve. His eyes remained glued to the Doctor instead.

"Alright relax, I know this is unexpected your heart rate is elevated even for a Vulcan and your blood pressure is high as well." It seemed unusual for a Vulcan to have such problems since they had excellent control over their personal physiology but even the best could be nervous and the body always reflected the mind. She knew she had caught him off guard and waited patiently to see a change in the results. They were not forthcoming and she knitted her brows. "Unusual, this is rare for things to be this elevated. Have you been diagnosed with high blood pressure before?"

K'os shook his head in the negative. "No. I've never had problems before." His voice was quiet, making him sound younger than he was.

Ellsworth felt an uncontrollable wave of anxiety from the thought that anything might be wrong with K'os, and he instinctively reached out to take the other man's hand. He grabbed it firmly and then developed a white knuckled grip on the edge of the biobed with the opposing hand as the bond rushed forward to assert itself, likely hastened in the summons by Ellsworth's insistent need for it.

K'os sucked in air quickly as he unintentionally melded again with Ellsworth. It was more jarring this time, and more intense. He used his control to calm both his emotions and Ellsworth's emotions, almost instinctively. He was about to give in again completely when the Doctor's voice suddenly drew his attention.

"By the Twins!" Allyndra exclaimed. She could not believe the sudden jump in blood pressure in the Vulcan, the heart rate more than doubling. She fumbled to get a hypo to stabilize him and as she dialed in a medication caught the readings above the Betazoid. The neurotransmitter level she had just administered was dropping rapidly. She changed the charge in the hypo to one of a sedative and pressed it first into the Vulcan and then into the Betazoid. A few tense minutes later watching both scanners things seemed to slowly resolve.

"I have never seen anything like this," she said. "It is like a positive feedback loop, you made a contact and between your distinct physiologies caused a near catastrophic failure. You..." Allyndra nodded toward K'os "had a heart rate and pressure that was dangerous for your kind and you, Ells, had a drop in neurotransmitter level that could leave you permanently brain damaged." She shook her head in wonderment that the two were still alive and functioning. "How long has this been going on?"

K'os had gently but firmly held Ellsworth's wrist and pulled his hand out of the grasp. Letting the connection fade. He gave the Betazoid a sympathetic look before answering the Doctor. "We established our first meld last year. During the shoreleave before we went to Lyshan III. It was unintentional at first, but we both grew to crave it. I left right after we returned from Lyshan to receive training from a Vulcan friend to...mitigate the damage. I went through withdrawal, a week after I left. When I came back, the craving was too much and I--we bonded again two nights ago. I can control it...normally...but not with him." K'os nodded towards Ellsworth. "It's urge is too strong." He almost whispered that last part.

Ellsworth put his hands in his lap, balling one into a fist and using the other one to cover it. They stayed there restlessly while he listened to K'os explain their situation to the doctor, and he kept his eyes averted to the ground. When I came back, the craving was too much... He felt his stomach lurch, jump, twist in his gut at the words and the memory of the sensation of feeling K'os back on board the ship, the absolute and complete disruption it brought and his wholesale embrace of it.

I can control it...normally...but not with him. He was the problem, and they both knew it. Everyone knew it. Ellsworth the Problem Child. And even as he recognized the danger of it and yearned to be the solution, not the problem, he came up with reasons to justify the bond. It wasn't really hurting them, her readings were wrong; as long as they did it for just a little bit, then it wouldn't be harmful; they were meant to be together.

"I can't control myself," Ellsworth admitted in a moment of strength and clarity, turning his eyes up to look at Allyndra. They were wet and full to the brim with tears, and, though sedated, the more he talked the more hysterical he started to sound. "I'll hurt us. I will. I'll hurt him! You have to stop me, turn it off. Do something. I don't want to hurt him, please. I love him. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. But I don't know how to stop."

Allyndra was not connected in anyway emotionally or telepathically but she could feel the strength of emotion pouring forth. It was the plea of someone who was addicted and needed help and she could not agree more. The medical readings indicated that but the words brought out her own deep feelings as well. She was not cold though many a time she had to be. There were many times at the end of day when she worry or cry over a patient. This though was even deeper in her own psyche, opening a wound that she had thought healed or at least scabbed over.

She managed to keep her demeanor. "I can do that and I think that is what I am going to have to do. The physical repercussions are just too great. Ells I am going to have to block your transmitter levels. Your going to be effectively head blind for some time. As for you," she turned her attention to K'os. "I am not sure other then to trust to Vulcan training and have you avoid Ells. There maybe repercussions with you as well. An even more intense feedback like a very strong Pon Farr. Either way I am going to recommend you both see the Counselor separately."

Mention of Pon Farr made colour drain from K'os' face, but he swallowed hard and nodded to the Doctor. "I can use Vulcan wh'ltri techniques to combat what arises, but I'll make sure I come see you again if I find it too difficult. I'll make an appointment to see a counselor right away." Avoiding Ellsworth would be his greatest hurdle. On a ship this small, it felt like he bumped into everyone at sometime or another. Keeping away all together would also largely depend on the Betazoid. He looked at Ells again but found it too difficult to look for long. It hurt too much.

K'os once told the man when they had first started seeing each other that he had 'great affection' for him. Ellsworth had fussed and became upset at the words, demanding that K'os had better have meant 'love'. He wasn't honest with him then, but if you were to ask K'os again now, he would have said 'no'. He cared deeply for Ellsworth, and yes he had a great affection for him. Yet even though he couldn't with honesty say he loved him the same way Ells loved K'os, he knew he was still losing a friend.

He was loosing someone that had never judged him, or made him feel strange for being hyper-emotional. He was loosing someone that had K'os' memories, desires and fears locked deep within the Betazoid's mind. Ells instinctively knew everything about the hybrid, yet K'os would never feel the touch of his hand on his cheek again. He would never feel the weight of Ellsworth's forehead thudding against his chest when he was emotionally upset. Hot tears streamed soundlessly down his cheeks prompting him to step off the bed and move to put it between him and Ellsworth. He knew the man better than he knew himself at times and seeing K'os cry would most likely tempt him to reach out again.

K'os wiped at the tears with the back of his hand but it failed to stop more from spilling down his cheeks. He looked at Allyndra with red eyes, "If you are finished with me, may I please-" A small cry of emotion escaped from his mouth with an audible gasp, "--may I please be excused?" It was a struggle not to loose it in front of both of them, and he needed to be alone to vent it off. His eyes pleaded with the Doctor to let him leave. To escape.

She had listened and she could see the emotional ties. It hit her in her hearts like arrows. It took all she could do not to let the wounds of the past reopen and she felt like the ogre to tell them to part. "Yes...of course..." she said though the best course of action would be to handle it now, but the mind needed time as well. She took a deep breath. "I am sorry, I see no recourse for now but if possible I can look into a way to keep it from being a dependency that is if you wish."

K'os just simply nodded. A part of him wanted to hang on to that kind of hope. Hope that at the very least, Ellsworth and him could be friends again. He couldn't let go of the nagging feeling that kept screaming at him that Oren should be here. Or that he should know the truth about what was happening. It made him sick to his stomach to think that Oren might think K'os had taken Ellsworth away from him somehow.

K'os tried to speak through his tears, but found him only half choking out a thank you. He took a breath to calm his voice and added, "We can talk more about it. I just...I'm sorry, and thank you for everything Doctor." K'os turned and almost half walked into the biobed before escaping. He didn't stop till he reached the corridor, and by then he was running.

Allyndra wanted to put out a hand to stop him but she knew that it would be better to let him deal with this news in his own way and in his own time. She had been the bearer of bad news and perhaps in time they might both forgive her. For a moment she turned back to Ells and put a hand gently on him. "I am sorry, very sorry I see right now no other recourse. You need time but trust me I will turn my thoughts to what I can do for your beloved." She turned and walked away.

Ellsworth had watched first K'os walk away and now the doctor, leaving him alone and exposed and isolated on the biobed. He lifted his eyes to look at the door his friend had passed through, tried to bring to mind the shape of his form. He'd almost been running. Running, from him, from them, their friendship and what they shared. Off on the distant side of the room, something beeped but otherwise the room was painfully silent, giving him no recourse but to struggle with his feelings. And he felt so alone in that moment. He felt...

Abandoned.

END

LtCdr Allyndra illm Warraquim
Chief Medical Officer / Acting Executive Officer
USS Galieleo

&

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson (PNPC Mott)
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

&

PO3 K'os Beaumont
Engineer's Mate
USS Galileo

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