The Relationship Impairment

Posted on 11 Aug 2012 @ 1:15pm by Commander Andreus Kohl & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

1,992 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Episode 01 - Project Sienna
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD07 - 1816 hours

[ON]

"Thank you, again, for meeting with me so late," said Andreus Kohl. The fair-featured Argelian turned away from the replicator and gradually paced towards the couch in the Counselor's office. He clutched an aromatic mug of tea between his hands, since he couldn't quite... remember what he had done with the last mug. Lowering himself to the couch, Kohl crossed his ankles into a sukhasana posture, sitting on his feet. "I recognize this must have been a long day for you, as it has been for me."

Delainey politely dismissed his concern with a wave of her hand. "It's not a problem at all. I anticipated the new crew would want to meet with someone for their psych eval ASAP. Besides," she added, holding up her own steaming mug, "This raktajino will perk me right up."

She paused, deciding to jump right in. "I couldn't help but notice your discomfort earlier when Ensign Rice suggested a celebration of our arrival."

Leaning back into the couch, Kohl's posture noticeably stiffened for a moment. The slight smile on his face didn't fade. If anything, it grew broader, as if he were playing a came. "What makes you use the word discomfort?" he asked.

"Well, as soon as she proposed the idea, you seemed to freeze and look anywhere but at her. I saw you quickly look down at your PADD without a word. I thought perhaps she'd offended you."

"No, there was no offense..." With his left hand, Kohl idly rubbed at his right upper arm. "You could say I'm an introvert, based on some definitions of the word," Kohl said. He pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes momentarily, as if this were a difficult admission. "I draw my energy from being alone. As much as I crave being with other people, as much as I enjoy a good party, I find they drain me."

Carlisle nodded in understanding. "So after that shuttle ride, you had no energy left and had to get away. I thought perhaps you barreled past us because you had to pee really badly," she added with a grin.

"No, I just--" Shaking his head, diplomatic-Kohl blinked away in a moment of sudden honesty, as he said, "I couldn't be on the shuttle anymore. I needed to get out."

"Was it something about the shuttle or was it because of the uncomfortable social situation?"

After Delainey asked the question, Kohl lifted the mug to his lips. He blew on the tea, despite having requested a specific temperature from the replicator, and then he sipped at the drink experimentally. When it didn't burn him, he drank a bit more, delayed a bit more. In a controlled but expressive timbre, Kohl said, "The shuttle-- I mean, that shuttle was fine. It was-- it must have been the situation. The personnel on the starbase came across as... as aggressive... Yes, I would use the word aggressive about their need to get us off the starbase. It didn't move me towards convivial conversation."

Delainey considered his response and paused before she gave her own. "Your response seemed to convey more than discomfort, but also a degree of fear. When you rushed past, you nearly knocked some of the other passengers down. I share this with you, not because I want to shame you, but because your behavior could be seen as rude and impair your relationships with the crew. I understand what motivated your actions, but I also wonder if you'd be willing to address some of those struggles through counseling?"

Kohl found himself wincing the more Delainey spoke. The wince spread across his face when she said something Kohl didn't agree with, and it spread even more when she surmised something correctly. "I am fully prepared to engage in the counselling process to address anything that may impact my career," Kohl said carefully, as if he were holding something back. Holding back a 'but'. Kohl took a quick sip from his tea, and then set the mug aside. The wince on his face turned into a full-on shaking of the head with disagreement, and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"But if anyone chooses not to be my friend because I was in a hurry this one time," Kohl said, "I don't think I want a relationship with that person anyway."

Delainey leaned forward, stopping short of placing a hand on his knee in a reassuring gesture, unsure how it would be received. "I don't think anyone has written you off based on that single interaction, and if they did, I'd agree with you whole-heartedly. No one deserves to be so harshly judged. I suppose I just wanted to offer to help so that you're more likely to avoid leaving the wrong impression with people."

"Well then," Kohl said, and he reached for his tea on the side table. He clasped the mug between both hands and then leaned into the cushioned back of the sofa. "I'm never too proud to beg for help. Where would we begin with such a thing?"

Pleased to hear the nurse was receptive to her feedback, she offered, "I'd start with teaching you some basic relaxation techniques. It would help, I think, for you to have tools to manage your discomfort around people, especially at times when it's difficult to get away. We could also build an anxiety hierarchy in which you gradually exposed yourself to difficult situations while employing the coping skills we go over. Right now, you're avoiding social situations when you can, and while I understand why, it's certainly not going to build your confidence in the long run."

"I think-- I think I'm giving you the wrong impression of me," Kohl said, and he laughed nervously. He was shaking his head with some confusion, his emotions and his mouth getting away from him again. "I'm not avoiding social situations when I can. I don't avoid people in general. I work with people every day; I spend my evenings in officers lounges. It was today. It was just today. Today I didn't want to be around people on that shuttle."

Her reply was simple. "What happened today, Andreus?"

Kohl became very still. Slowly, he turned his head to be able to look at Delainey. It was a hard look. He studied her eyes, surpised at her perception. Empty half-truth deflections of being tired or ill weren't reason enough for the way he was unspooling in front of her. And Kohl hadn't studied Delainey long enough to know if he could lie to her outright. "My father was involved in a shuttle crash this morning," Kohl said without emoting. "Right before I boarded the shuttle for Galileo, I was told he'd been hospitalized."

"I'm so sorry," Carlisle replied with immediate concern. "If you want to go be with your family, I'm sure something can be arranged."

"I, ah, I don't-- I can't," Kohl stuttered. After his moment of near-honesty, Kohl lost the calm clarity he had found. He struggled to understand exactly what he was thinking and feeling, and he dissembled to keep the Counsellor at arm's length. The words wouldn't come easily. "He was on the other side the quadrant, out near the Cardassian Union. And. And." --Kohl shook his head-- "And I'm just getting started here."

Delainey nodded once in what she hoped would convey a bit of understanding. "Perhaps it'd help to take a breath? Take your time. I'm sure it's a lot to process."

Kohl nodded his agreement at that before he closed his eyes. He rolled his shoulders back and leaned into the sofa again. Kohl breathed a long slow breath in through his nose, and then he let out a steady stream of air between his lips.

Carlisle simply waited patiently, not wanting to rush Kohl or oogle him as he coped.

Uncertain what else to say, or even was Carlisle's last question had been, Kohl rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor. He had lost track of the thread of their conversation entirely, and he wasn't sure if there was something else he wanted to say about his anti-social behaviour on the shuttle or about his father. He took his time, and he drank more of his tea, and then he said, "It feels better to talk about it."

"Does it?" Delainey asked evenly. "I understand it's not easy to talk about, and I'm not blaming you, but I get the sense you weren't intending to mention this to me. Was it because you feared we would think less of you in some way?"

"I don't think I'm worried about that, at least not consciously," Kohl said, his brow furrowed with consideration. As he spoke, there was a sense of new discovery with every word that came out. "I didn't want to talk about it, but I think... it's more... more because... it's private. It's family. It's not something I would normally talk about."

Delainey nodded. She respected that and could relate. She didn't talk about her own family either, but that was more because they weren't close, not because she was a private person. "Still, this has clearly affected you emotionally. As a person, I respect your desire to keep such things to yourself, but the counselor in me can't help but wonder if it does more harm to you that way. Is there someone you can turn to for comfort?"

With a surprised-looking smile on his face, Kohl shook his head slightly. "It's funny. I agree with you. Rationally, I agree that a person would only benefit from talking during a situation like mine. But right here, right now, it feels wrong to me. I don't know why. It doesn't help that, no, I don't have anyone to turn to. I-- I met a couple of people today who I think I might enjoy turning to for comfort, but no. No, there's not anyone whom I trust yet."

"What about beyond the Galileo? Whom do you trust?" Delainey asked with the sincere focused gaze that only a counselor could muster.

Kohl turned his head and stared at his tea on the side table. He didn't answer right away. He just set his jaw and sucked on his teeth. "I haven't been able to sustain relationships from a distance. I'm not even talking about romantic relationships; I find any kind of relationship lacking in substance if I can't see the person, hear the person breathing, touch the person," Kohl said, still staring down in his tea. "In this career, I keep leaving people behind. Or they leave." Taking in a deep breath, Kohl snapped his head towards Delainey, as if suddenly remembering she was there. "Uhm, but my peers. My Chiefs, my medical departments... I have trusted them on all of my previous postings. I'm sure I would do again."

"I suppose if people left frequently, or I left them, I'd have difficulty really building trust too."

Nodding at Delainey's words, Kohl silently stared into the middle distance. He took a sip from his tea and then returned it to the side table. "Where does that leave me?" Kohl asked with half a shrug.

"Well," Delainey replied thoughtfully, "is building trust a bit more easily with people something you believe will help you? If it is, then you've already taken one of the biggest and most difficult steps toward that goal. You've admitted it's a problem."

"....Yeah," Kohl said, his eyes flitting about as he puzzled his way through the meanings beneath Delainey's words. He made a, "hunh," sound of acknowledgement, and he said, "You're right. I have done. Then what comes next? What's step number two?"

"That," Delainey replied with a mischievious grin, "is when the real fun begins."


[OFF]


Ensign Andreus Kohl
Nurse
USS Galileo

Lt. JG Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Chief Counselor
USS Galileo

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