Soul Searching

Posted on 09 Nov 2014 @ 3:56pm by Lieutenant Min Zhao & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle

2,525 words; about a 13 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 03 - Counsellor's office
Timeline: MD -25 - 1300hrs

ON:

[USS Galileo]

Having spent most of the past day mulling over Blake's concern and words of advice to her to see Delainey, Min had booked the appointment, and now found herself standing before Delainey's office. Pressing the chime, Min waited for the answer. Jared was looking after Lian while she saw the counselor, a bit easier under the circumstances.

"Come in," Delainey called out, eager to see Min. The doors opened immediately and Carlisle eagerly gestured for the other woman to take a seat. "Good to see you," she added with a grin.

Given the okay to enter, Min entered Delainey's office, smiling at the woman as she found her customary seat.

Matching Min's smile as she let her get comfortable, Delainey said, "I trust you won't think me uninterested in you if I asked about your adorable daughter first?"

"Lian is doing well. She's feeding a lot and putting on some weight. I left her with Jared so we could talk without being distracted."

Delainey chuckled. "Good idea. Babies and chocolate are the two things that tend to pull my focus. What brings you my way?" Carlisle wondered if Min was struggling with post-partum depression and felt a twinge of guilt for asking about the baby before Min.

Min paused. "I'm not sure how to explain why I'm here. I guess I should outline my discussion with Commander Blake and hopefully it'll make sense then."

"Basically I went to see her a few days ago because I've been thinking about a couple of things and made my mind up, or thought I had, before I went to see her. Basically I wanted to let Blake know that I was going to stay off the contraceptive shot for the time being. I'm not actively trying to get pregnant but Jared & I had discussed this before Lian's birth that we'd like to have another child at some point. I also figured, after a chat with T'Vanna that as Jared and I were already engaged and the wedding date wasn't set in stone, why not move it up a bit, give the crew a happy reason to be distracted from the last mission?"

"After speaking with Blake, and her outlining her concerns about my plans, I'm finding myself nursing a seed of doubt now. It has nothing to do with Jared. I love the guy, want to spend the rest of my life with him, bear his children, etc. That part I'm good with. The problem is more a question of my past and what I'm doing now. I worry sometimes that I'm making decisions, not on the basis of what's best for us, but on my fears about screwing up again. I don't want to push too fast, repeating my past mistakes, but at the same time, I don't want to let my fear of screwing up keep me from pushing ahead with life."

Delainey listened carefully, and when Min was finished, she offered, "What do you think is true in light of what Blake said? Do you think you're making these decisions too quickly?"

"If I take away my past mistakes, look just at who I am, my family, and who I am because of their influence, I would say no I am not making these decisions too fast. My parents were married six months to the day that they first met. Granted my older brother showed up three months later, but not all couples waiting for marriage to start down the road of parenthood. My parents are celebrating their 35th year of marriage. My brother got engaged to his wife three months after they met. They've been together five years now. My older sister Yi took a year but that was because Keith was away six months on a shipboard residency and Starfleet wouldn't permit him to take her along as a dependent. They're celebrating three years, have a daughter, and Yi sent me a message over subspace a few days ago that they're expecting number two."

"So were I not dealing with past mistakes involving romance with a crew-mate, I'd say that no I'm not moving too fast. But factor those mistakes in and after speaking with Blake, I'm second guessing myself."

"It's sometimes easier to react to what you wish were true rather than what is," the counselor acknowledged. "You can't take away your past mistakes, and while that means you can't erase the negative consequences, it also means you can't erase the good. I'm wondering, what, if anything, have those mistakes taught you about how you want to live your life moving forward?"

"Don't shag your crew mates while on duty?" Min chuckled. "That'd be the most obvious lesson. But bigger picture, I let my passions dictate my actions, not common sense. There is a time where it's okay to let one's passions take center stage, and times where it isn't." Min paused. "The question then becomes, when is it okay? And to what extent?"

Delainey nodded in understanding. Either Min was very good at telling counselors what they wanted to hear or she was fairly introspective. It was difficult to square this seemingly self-aware Min with the woman who had decided to forgo birth control and to make her wedding a morale booster.

"I think you're asking reasonable questions," Carlisle replied. "To find the answers, it may be helpful to consider a specific idea and explore the consequences. For example, your decision to stop your contraceptive shots...that means you could potentially have another newborn before your daughter is a year old. How do you think you two might handle that?"

"Honest truth. I don't know. I don't know how I'd juggle having two children, a year apart or two years apart. All I do know is that my mother, who is the only real role model I have, managed to raise four girls, all approx a year apart, alongside what she called a rambunctious eldest son. After Jun was conceived, the second of us girls, she had to quit her job so she could focus on us full time."

"If I had to guess at what would happen, caring for a second child would take up a lot of time, enough that I would most likely have to step down from my position, possibly even taking a leave from my Starfleet career while I cared for my little ones."

Carlisle nodded. "And have you and Jared discussed that? You two will be newly married on top of things, which presents its own kind of stress."

"I don't know if we've specifically discussed some of that but I think it would be a good idea to do so." Min smiled a bit unsurely. Truth is they'd both been wrapped up in all the things going on, the baby, the engagement, and even the wedding that the discussion of how a second child would impact everything never really came up.

"How did women on earth manage all this in times past? Historically I know about the whole women in the home gig, but once women started working, with children around how did they manage to juggle all this with their sanity intact?"

Delainey was very surprised the two hadn't discussed the idea before now. There was leaping before looking and then there was acting without being connected to any consequences at all. "I've got to say, I'm not understanding your thought process at all. You've decided to stop using birth control already but you and Jared haven't yet discussed how you're going to deal with the very real consequences of something like that. Have you considered that while you're still discussing the logistics of how you might handle a second child, you already could be pregnant?"

"This is why I'm here, so that somebody I trust can poke holes in my carefully constructed house of cards, and ask the questions I haven't thought to ask myself. I do know that Jared and I want a second child, and we both want the child to happen naturally, when nature dictates, not based on some predetermined 'here let's get pregnant now because it's the right time' sort of decision. Does that mean that our next will be unexpected? Yes. Does it mean we have to decide how to handle a second child? Also Yes."

Min paused. "You've given me a lot to think about. All I can promise is that I will have this conversation with Jared in the next few days. We haven't yet had a chance to get intimate since Lian's birth so I'm definitely not pregnant for what it's worth."

Delainey nodded. "I understand you don't want and can't plan your life to the letter, but I also think because of what we do, because Starfleet life is so unpredictable, it's important to think through and control what we can, especially as it concerns things that can't be undone. If you and Jared are ready to be married, it wouldn't matter whether our morale sucked or didn't, and it wouldn't matter whether you got pregnant now or later."

Min nodded. "I don't think Jared would have proposed if he wasn't ready, nor would I have accepted if I wasn't ready. From conversations we have had about when to do the ceremony, it was really a matter of when felt best, and when we had the time. A quick layover at a base for a few days isn't enough time, but with the Galileo laid up for close to two months, now works for both of us. The discussion I had that precipitated the idea was more the catalyst for moving now rather then waiting till our next starbase layover, not really the reason for getting married."

"That makes sense," Carlisle replied with a nod. "Given the other major life decision you were contemplating, I just wanted to make sure you weren't reaching for double stress out of sheer impulse," she added with a smile.

"Yeah. I wasn't expecting an extended layover for at least six months, which is the latest we'd have waited. Most likely in a few months, Jared and I would've tired of the wait and just did something small aboard ship. As far as babies, I think the conclusion we both drew was that the wedding is merely a formal way to express what we already knew in our hearts. So really, if we plan to raise a family and grow old together anyways, knowing the compromises we'd have to make, what's the harm in letting nature take its course?"

"Well, do you know the compromises each of you'd have to make?" Delainey asked. "There's a difference between having a vague idea things will be harder and compromises will need to be made, and actually thinking it through and exploring who's prepared to sacrifice what. Sometimes what people think they're prepared to do doesn't meet what's actually required, and if it comes before they understand that fully, it can lead to resentment and broken relationships. There will always be things you can't prepare for of course but some things, like giving up choice assignments because they aren't family friendly, can be. Being newly married on top of that might prevent you from working on your relationship as a couple as much as those first years demand."

"I know from what my mother said to me growing up that time wise, having two young children more then doubles the amount of work required, and her's were several years apart back then, not a few years apart. I also know that if I can't juggle work and caring for my children, I will sacrifice my work to spend the time I need with them, and if that means stepping down from starfleet to care for my children."

"Have you considered what that will feel like?" Delainey asked. "What your days will be like if you're not working? Not just the good things, like smiles and baths, but the rougher things, like being sent to shelter when the danger hits, or the most exciting thing in your day being the pictures your children drew while Jared discusses his Away missions?" Carlisle wasn't soured on domestic life. In fact, that's what she wanted, but she also knew it was not going to be all sunshine and light.

"That I do have some idea of. My mother and I spoke at some length while I was still on earth. She told me about the changes to her life when my brother arrived. Before my brother was born, my mother was on the fast track in the Consular service. Had he not shown up, she could have been given a consulate to run."

"After he showed up, her whole world was turned upside down. She still continued to work for a while but now any chance of making one of those lofty posts was gone. She told me that some nights, she watched the stars while my father was off world and cried."

"She also said that 30 years later, looking back, that the sacrifice had been worth it. Yes, she lost a lot to care for her children, but those same children would go on to do things she never dreamed possible, and to her our accomplishments, were worth the sacrifice and loss she had to endure."

Min paused. "I know I'm not my mother but I am a lot like her in many ways. You have to understand Delainey that most of my life I've dreamed of being a mother. That is what I want to do with my life ultimately."

Delainey could relate to that. As a doctor, however, she wasn't sure she would feel up to getting pregnant, or even risking getting pregnant, so soon after giving birth. She knew the toll pregnancy and childbirth took on a body and mind, and the counselor in her understood that new marriages were challenging enough without introducing two infants in the mix on top of dual careers. Carlisle spread her arms and smiled. "It's your life, and whatever our concerns, ultimately you must decide for yourself what you want. I hope at the very least you'll talk to Jared about all this, and really ask yourself why you're making the decisions you are. Kids shouldn't be born with a job, whether that's keeping a family together or bringing one closer together."

Min smiled. "You have my word that I'll speak with Jared and make sure we're both on the same page before we start down this path, if we chose to continue with it." Min slowly began to get up. "I hate to wind up but I have to get back to Lian and Jared. Lian gets a little fussy if she's not fed when she's hungry."

Delainey smiled and stood. "Understood. My door is always open to you both. Give Lian some love for me, and please let me know if you ever need a back-up babysitter."

Leaning in, Min Gave Delainey a little hug. "Thank you."

OFF:

Lt Min Zhao
Chief Operations Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Counselor/Medical Officer
USS Galileo

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