Worried

Posted on 08 Nov 2013 @ 10:28pm by Commander Allyndra illm Warraquim & Lieutenant JG Delainey Carlisle
Edited on on 08 Nov 2013 @ 11:21pm

2,878 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Episode 04 - Exodus
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 4 - Counselor's office
Timeline: MD05 - 1500

ON:

Allyndra had asked to see one of the Counselors and she had gotten a message back that Doctor Carlisle would have a little time. Allyndra felt both reluctant and yet needed to talk to someone about her worries.

She reached the office a little ahead of time but rang the chime just in case.

"Come in," Delainey called out. She was exhausted but grateful to have counseling sessions lined up to keep her focused on something other than the recent chaos and overall sense of grief and panic. Talking to people one on one was a familiar comfort zone.

Allyndra entered. "I do apologize for taking up more of your time doctor. I know you must be as overwhelmed as I. I do also appreciate that you have taken on medical duties as well."

Delainey waved her apology away. "You have nothing to apologize for, Doctor. We're all trying to cope as best we can, and I'm happy to be of use right now."

"While I wanted to thank you, there is something else that I must talk to someone about, something personal and which no outsider, that is not Akkadian is aware of."

The reply caught Delainey by surprise and she gestured for Allyndra to make herself at home as she considered her response. Carlisle sensed the seriousness of the doctor's words and she also got the sense it was something she would rather not have to talk about. "I am honored you would trust me with something so personal. I assure you, there's nothing you can't trust me with."

Allyndra took a seat and nodded. "I must preface my concerns with what I am about to talk about most of my people are unaware of. I will not argue the ethics or right of people to know their true past. I hope you will understand that."

Delainey shrugged. "I'm primarily concerned with you right now. I'll worry about your people later."

Allyndra nodded and then looked at the floor trying to decide how to impart what bothered her. She just began talking as though giving a lecture.

"Akkadia today is a peaceful world, and by some of those that are allowed to visit I suppose the word would be quaint. There is technology, yes, but for the most part the world would present itself as almost a non-industrial world."

Allyndra looked up, "Something like the world of the B'Aku that one of the Enterprises was involved with." She looked back down. "It was not always that way. In the true past it was discovered that some individuals were blessed with the ability to make insights, leaps of imagination and the way to bring that to pass. We called them A'burab'atu, which means to do things quickly. The talent was bred for almost ruthlessly so as each Clan at the time strived to gain an advantage over the other. There were conflicts and wars until the great surviving Clans made peace. The A'burab'atu looked to new things and the civilization expanded and within a few generations not only had we learned to travel space but had made vessels that could fold two points in space-time such that the vast distance could be crossed in the blink of an eye. As the population expanded we of course colonized other worlds."

Allyndra paused and looked up. There was a tightness to her face. "They all failed, those colonies. We were children of our home world, tied biologically to the dance of twin sun's seasons, the salinity of the ocean, a myriad of tiny details. As those colonies failed the survivors returned to a crowded world, a world which could no longer support the population with its resources. Wars, even more terrible ensued with even more advanced weaponry until we nearly destroyed ourselves utterly. The survivors put their weapons away finally and established the Guilds that exist today. The technology that was deemed too harmful, too deadly, destroyed, hidden, the knowledge destroyed and hidden.
Those that had the gift or appeared to have it were now A'ksu, dangerous and carefully watched."

Allyndra paused. "My Guild house name, Warraquim; it means to gather knowledge." She smiled wryly. "Gather, to hide it away, to prevent it from others. However, that is past you must know. Lately, I have dreamed of things that could be used as a weapon. It worries me that I may have some of that old heritage, A'ksu. As time has gone by I cannot help but think the Guild thought that as well and my husband and khar'atah paid the price of me being A'ksu."

The tears had come finally with the last admission and Allyndra finally fell silent.

It was a lot for Delainey to take in, but what she focused on was Allyndra's raw emotion. It was clear to Carlisle the doctor felt to blame for potentially having an ability based in biology and not in her control. There was also more to the story, and Delainey knew she had to help Allyndra explore it, no matter how painful. "What happened to your husband and...children?" She wasn't entirely sure she'd translated it correctly.

Allyndra wiped the tears with the back of her hand before realizing that like any Counselor's office tissues were nearby. She dabbed quickly after taking one and took a deep breath.

"My husband was involved in a fatal accident. I learned about it after coming back from my first matron flight. A year later I made a flight to gather our children from the sea and not one returned. Oh, it is not unknown for that to happen but it is unusual."

Allyndra took another deep breath and looked to the ceiling. Almost wistfully she said, "I almost wish I had followed my friends' advice and spent my time at a Irsemia house. That ship and those damn words: 'We must hide the past in order to preserve the future'; seem to have changed my life forever."

Delainey wasn't following all of Allyndra's cultural references, but deciding it was not a good time to question her extensively, she continued to focus on the doctor's emotions. She was in a state not foreign to Carlisle, as people often blamed themselves for distressing events. "I don't know whether you are one of these...seers," Delainey finally added, the word the closest she could find to what Allyndra was describing, "but I do know that dreams often reflect things we fear, not always what is. Is it possible given all you've been through, your mind is making connections between events where there are none?"

"Perhaps, there is a war of philosophy on my planet, perhaps all the events are related one to the other. I do not know. I suppose I never will know if the accident was planned or just a tragic random event. I do worry that with the stress I worry about this dream. Perhaps it is silly and maybe I should talk to someone with a lot more experience than I in the subject to see if it is silly."

Allyndra looked up. It felt funny on the other side of this but this was the most she had even unburdened herself to anyone. "What course of action should I pursue?"

"I don't think any of this is silly," Delainey reasurred. "It's up to you to decide whether you should pursue more information from someone more knowledgeable than me, but whatever you decide, it's clear to me your stress is real and needs to be addressed. I truly think I can help you manage your stress in a more healthy way, and if you're open to it, I'd like us to continue talking."

Allyndra realized that she had said much that someone else without the same frame of reference would not understand. All those thoughts that had been pent up had just come tumbling out like a torrent from a broken dam.

"Of course, I would like that as well," she nodded. "I am sorry, it is that I think much has built over the years. If I was in your shoes again, I would suggest a series of sessions." Allyndra made a wry face. "Presuming we all have that time in front of us."

"I choose to remain optimistic on that front," Carlisle answered, her fatigue evident, but also her smile. "I don't see that you have anything to apologize for. Under the circumstances, I'd be upset as well, and in times like this, it's difficult not to allow all that emotion to come tumbling out. I'd like to apologize to you in advance. I'm sure I'll have a lot of questions about your culture as we talk, and I expect you might become frustrated trying to explain things. It's my hope such instances won't add to your suffering. I truly believe I can help you, and I hope you'll be able to stick it out with me."

"I will try my best to explain. There is a lot of darkness entwined in our past and sometimes I wonder if perhaps there is such thing as fate," Allyndra mused. Her tone became wistful, "if I had never found that Fold Ship..."

Allyndra realized she had said that and she stiffened.

Delainey frowned. "Fold ship?"

Allyndra shook her head from side to side. "It was a mistake. I should not have brought it up." Allyndra took a deep breath, but she had to talk about it for it was the thing that had lead her down one path that she had even discovered the true past and in a way was connected to here and now. There was confidentiality here and she hoped it would remain that way. She looked up, "but perhaps I should."

"That is what they were called at one time. A machine that can fold time and space so that two points in space-time become one for an instant. As I mentioned we put many technological marvels away, hid them, forgot about them. That is one of those items. I accidently found one when I took shelter from a storm and it was that artifact along with an inscription that changed my life path forever. You see, I was an excellent student but as ignorant as others about our true past. It was when I returned and in my exhaustion mumbled the inscription I found: 'We must hide our past, in order to preserve the future.'; that life changed. The Guild Mother knew I had found something and from there it was to be let into the secrets of our past. The more I learned, the more I could no longer see why to hide such marvels and pretend they never happened. It flew in the face of the current thinking on my world amoung those who know."

"I can only imagine how you were treated after that," Delainey mused. "I can certainly see how the experience changed the way you felt about yourself and your worth."

"Oh at first it was exciting to learn of the new things and hidden history and objects. I was not entirely alone either in my feelings, but perhaps youth meant that I was too imprudent to hasty. In a way from this perspective I can see why some advocated a slow approach. Now that I have seen more of the galaxy I can only imagine what it might be if suddenly a race showed that it had the ability to instantly move from one corner of the universe to the next."

Allyndra shook her head, "It is funny that now I see the why when all I wanted to do was fight against it then. Perhaps I tried to fly into the teeth of the storm rather than to use the currents to maneuver around it."

Delainey smiled wanly. "You're certainly not the first to make such a mistake. As I see it, Allyndra, part of managing the stress you're feeling is going to require you to actively challenge the self-blame that distresses you. You did a great job just now of stepping back and seeing the situation you were in for what it was. You were young and eager and had no way of knowing the things you do now."

"The flame of youth now tempered by time and understanding. Yes, I can see that and you are correct I should look at things that happened and still worry about in a different light." Allyndra slowly nodded her head. Still there was the aspect of A'ksu, but then again perhaps she was worrying about that overmuch.

"The A'ksu were dangerous but not so much for the insights but for their lack of control. Thought became impulse and if I truly was like that I would not be here then worrying about if an insight meant I shared that with them correct?"

"I wouldn't think so," Delainey replied, nodding at Allyndra's observation. "You're not the type to act rashly from what I know of you, but you're reacting emotionally as though you would act so involuntarily. Do you have any evidence to suggest that?"

"No, I guess not, though I was pretty distraught when I lost my husband and children. Perhaps enough so that it made some of my people wonder if I might do something rash with the knowledge I had gained."

Delainey nodded. "What matters is what you think you're capable of. Your thoughts about who you believe yourself to be seem to be fueling how you feel."

"That is part of the problem Counselor. I think I am not rash, I think I still have the power to reason carefully what my actions or thoughts or ideas may entail, but then when pressed I can feel here," She pointed to her head. "That blindness to action come bubbling up and it scares me."

Allyndra then thought back for a moment and added, "When I was on the Firebird, I served for a short time officially as her Executive Officer. There was during that time when the Captain was absent and I was in charge of the entire ship. All my actions I had to think of others rather than act on my own impulse. None the less, considering genetic heritage and the past that blindness, that 'no thought about consequences' is always there nagging me. It haunts my people still to this day about what happened. So perhaps I am nothing but a child of my culture....." Allyndra knitted her brows, "what is that Earth saying, 'once bitten twice shy?' My world was bitten hard and perhaps now we are in entirety most shy about it ever happening again."

It was a revelation and one that made sense to her. The terrible happenings of the past continued to haunt the culture which in turn had been drummed into her as well as a child of that culture. The idea to stop and think things through was now the hallmark of now and not of the A'ksu.

Delainey waited several beats before she answered. Carlisle was feeling her own pressure to provide a comment that didn't add to Allyndra's sense of isolation, the feeling that she was on her own because Delainey, the ignorant human, just didn't get it. In the end, Delainey knew there was value in focusing on what was universal even as she made every effort to appreciate the uniqueness.

"We are all children of our cultures, in good and bad ways. I hear your fear, and I'm not going to dismiss it out of hand. I do believe I can help you cope with all of this, and most of all, to listen. I think the fact you are aware of your tendency to act without deliberation is the first step to addressing it."

Allyndra nodded, "I think so as well." She glanced at the chronometer and realized just how much time had passed. "Perhaps we can continue another time? Unfortunately other duties than my meanderings are now calling."

Delainey nodded and offered a wan smile. "Of course. If you like, you can set up a tentative appointment or you can contact me when you're ready. Either way, I hope you know I'm always here to help you."

"I think for now, let's just play it by ear. Perhaps when things are more settled it can something regular." Allyndra said and then stood. "Thank you again, I forgot how nice it was to talk to someone."

Delainey stood as well. "You're most welcome. I hope you'll always remember. In the meantime, I'll wait to hear from you."

"Very good. I will keep in touch." Allyndra made a slight curtsey so culturally ingrained into her and then turned to catch up with her own duties. Her hearts at least felt lighter and her mind a whole lot clearer.

Delainey smiled wanly as she watched Allyndra go. Despite the ever present fatigue and worry, Carlisle felt better too. The conversation was a welcome reminder of not only her purpose, but also the idea that reaching out to others who were different from herself could result in something worth experiencing.

[OFF]

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Lieutenant Delainey Carlisle, M.D., Ph.D.
Assistant Chief Counselor/Doctor
USS Galileo

Lt. Allyndra illm Warraquim
Chief Medical Officer
USS Galileo

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