What is Death?

Posted on 25 Jun 2013 @ 7:44pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant Dawn Meridian

3,258 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Dawn's Office
Timeline: MD6 1300

[ON]

A lot had happened in the last day. Kiri had been on a new alien moon, two, discovered several more at close range and had close range scans and views that no one else had ever seen. She also had seen an officer die right in front of her, attacked herself by monsters from hell and been through it all with barely a word to anyone about it. She had been terrified by what happened, twice over. What was worse? That she had been scared, that she had reacted while it felt like no one else had. They didn't seem to care, even if they didn't know him very well. She didn't, yet, all of this. She'd never really felt so sad, was that the right word? No, she hadn't felt so vulnerable, so mortal.

Bags under her eyes and shoulder a little stiff still she shook as she though about it. Talking to someone was what she had to do, Dawn was her number one choice. To spend more time with her, because it felt like she understood, because she was scared she was different or wrong for how she felt. Nervously Kiri pressed the door chime, biting on her lip.

As her door slid open, Dawn's eyes grew wide. "Kiri?" she asked, a bit more loudly than she'd meant to. Kiri looked like she'd hadn't gotten much sleep, and more besides that. "Come in. I'll get some hot chocolate." She was mostly at a loss about what to do. Kiri seemed really distraught. She didn't know if hot chocolate would help, but she needed some herself anyway just to calm the worry rising in her chest.

Shying away from the volume of Dawn's voice Kiri did as she was told, cradling her elbow as she walked. Hot chocolate sounded nice, so did sleep for that matter, but she didn't want to sleep like this. How much did Dawn know about what had happened in the last day? Taking a seat on the sofa Kiri took a deep breath. Then before she knew it she'd pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them close.

Dawn's mind raced as she replicated two mugs of hot chocolate. Its rich, sweet smell - with just a hint of the peppermint she'd programmed in - drifted through the room, borne on invisible wings. Something had happened to Kiri, but she wasn't sure what yet. Other than the shuttle accident over Rojar I, and Stone's... death... she hadn't heard anything. Kiri hadn't been on the shuttle team. Then...?

"Here," Dawn said quietly, and set their mugs down on the coffee table. She sat at Kiri's side, her grey eyes clouded and concerned. "Something happened," she said finally, as much a statement as a question. She left her drink untouched in front of her.

"Lots," Kiri shivered with a breath, clenching her eyes shut. From the beginning though, "I saw Stone die," People knew but she hadn't talked about it, not properly, not freely. Every other time she was trying to hold herself together, to act like them, like she didn't care.

Dawn swallowed hard, giving a slow, barely-there nod. "So you were there," she said, mostly to herself. The way the captain had described it to her - mortally wounded - hadn't done anything to banish the images from her head. To have seen that... two lives snuffed out in an instant... She put her hand on Kiri's shoulder. "It can't have been easy."

"No," Kiri mumbled, looking hard at the table before looking at Dawn. It all started to tumble out, "No one seemed to care, I was so scared I felt sick, I couldn't do anything. They didn't cry, they weren't scared like me, they barely reacted," Suppressing a sob she gasped, "I just, no one else seems sad." Everyone she had talked to, on all the other missions. No one had said anything, they hadn't seemed any different at all. Why was she different, what was wrong with them all?

Dawn moved her hands to her lap, staring down at them intently. "I am," she said. "When I first heard, I almost... couldn't go on with the mission. Stone was a person. I was trying to help him. I talked with him just a few days ago, and now..." She shook her head and pressed her palm to her forehead. "I thought about it a bit. People have different ways of dealing with death. It doesn't affect anyone the same way. And some people have just seen it so much that they're almost numb to it."

Kiri looked at Dawn, looked at her eyes. Her own clenched shut as she started to cry, "I didn't really know him at all, I thought he was mean." Breaths becoming sharper she pulled tighter on her legs, "I'm sorry." She had gone to see Stone, talked at him, tried to say sorry to him as well. All he had ever done to her was upset her and scare her, but he had helped save her before. She'd disliked him and never said thank you properly, now he was gone. These last few days with so many brushes with death, it felt like danger was everywhere.

"He was... a very difficult person," she said softly. "I talked to him for hours and..." She closed her eyes. "I still didn't really know him at all. And it was my job to know." She took a deep breath, trying to fight back the tide that was rising inside of her. "You can't be blamed for that. There's no reason to regret that." They'd done all they could, right? It wasn't like knowing him better would have saved him. It wasn't... fair. "You barely knew him, but you're still sad for him. That means a lot."

"Not just him, me as well," She felt guilty over that. Kiri felt sad because it wasn't just Stone she felt sorry for. The blood on her face, having to see it, she wasn't even hurt and yet, she felt sorry for herself. Those were things she did blame herself for, that wasn't even counting the other things that had happened, "I wasn't able to help him."

Dawn reached for her hot chocolate and took a long sip. The warmth helped her feel a bit better. "You couldn't have known," she said at last. "And you're a science officer, not security, or medical, or command. He was..." She breathed in the aroma of hot chocolate, trying not to let her thoughts get to her too much. She'd promised herself she wouldn't cry. Not again. "He was Chief of Security. He knew the risks. And he died protecting this crew." She bit her lip - hard. "Death makes us all feel powerless." She knew that too well.

Yet she still couldn't do anything, nodding Kiri looked very sad, "It does." Being sad and looking at Dawn being sad made it worse, when Maenad had been sad she'd held her. Should she do the same? Shivering again, she tried to explain her mess, "I don't know what to do."

"It's usually something that only passes with time," she said. "Although talking helps a lot. When my family..." she took a long sip of hot chocolate, averting her eyes a bit. "What I mean is, it takes a really long time to get over, sometimes. It probably won't be so long because we didn't really know Stone that well. But still, seeing something like that..."

"It should take a long time," Kiri protested, she felt guilty. To want this to be over quickly, just because she didn't know him that well. That felt terrible, not knowing him wasn't a reason to forget. Her conciousness skipped over the important part of that reply, a part of her didn't though. Kiri knew nothing about Dawn's family but she could pick up on the tone, flash in her eyes. Letting go of her knees Kiri's right hand reached out a little way.

"I know," Dawn said, her voice little more than a whisper. She clasped Kiri's hand gently in her own, giving it a squeeze. Was she trying to reassure Kiri or herself? "It feels a bit like we owe it to him, doesn't it? Like the thought of getting over it is an insult to him." She peered at Kiri, her lips a thin line. "I feel that way sometimes, but I'm not sure it's true. I've... lost people before. Not from right in front of me, but still..."

Dawn let out a shaky breath. "What I realised is that being sad for them doesn't bring them back. I knew that already, and it doesn't make the feeling go away any faster, but at least it helps the guilt. Instead of crying about what I'd lost, I dedicated myself to the people I hadn't lost - to the people that are still alive." She gave Kiri a weak smile. "I don't regret that one bit."

It felt better to have contact with someone, as if between the two of them they were stronger. Kiri wasn't sure she agreed with what Dawn said, at least to start with but it was nice to hear her speak, soothing. Then came the admirable part, "I'm not going to give up." Dawn hadn't and it wasn't something on Kiri's mind at all, "I don't know what to do though."

"He died protecting this ship," she said softly. "The best thing you can do is to keep on living your life, and keep helping the Galileo do what it does. That's..." she smiled again, this time more convincingly. "That's what I'd want, if I were him. I'd be glad everyone was safe. It would mean I did my job well."

It struck her for the first time that Kiri could easily have been in his place. Was it wrong to be glad that she hadn't been?

One the finer points Kiri felt was that if someone was doing their job well they wouldn't be dead. Stone didn't sacrifice himself, he was just the unlucky one. There didn't seem anything heroic about, was that part of the problem? Reluctantly she agreed with a small nod, "I don't want to let it effect me."

"Talking about it helps a lot," Dawn continued. "Even if it's just a personal log. That's... what I did. It helped me put what I was feeling to words. And..." Her grey eyes focused on Kiri. "So did this, I suppose."

"I don't really know how to put it into words," Kiri answered, "I don't really know what I feel," This was part of what troubled her. There was sadness but she wasn't sure what really caused it, there were also other thing, and a lack of caring as well.

"I guess that part will take time, too," Dawn said softly. "You're probably feeling so many things at once that it's hard to tell them apart. When everything's all tangled like that, it can take a while to sort out the strings." She smiled into her hot chocolate. "And like actual string, it's not easy."

"All tied in knots," Kiri added with a sigh. Picking up her own hot chocolate she felt the warmth against her fingers as she pulled it close, "I didn't feel like this when Commander Remington passed away," He had died in front of her as well, that was a battle though. She had done something, even if it wasn't as much as she should have done.

Commander Chauncey William Remington III. It was a name that she'd heard mentioned, and that she couldn't help remembering. But she didn't know anything about him or how he died. Had he died protecting the ship? From what? Classified. Whatever that meant. She frowned, her eyes narrowing. It had been an annoyance before, but now... it was actually an obstacle.

"It was a lot less sudden," she guessed. From what she'd heard, Stone hadn't had much time to react to the creature. He'd still been protecting the ship, but he hadn't had time to prepare. There hadn't been any warning, any sense of danger until it was too late. "When death comes like that... it's hard to be ready for it." But many people had been. What exactly had they seen to become so cold?

"There isn't something wrong with me then?" That was something else that was worrying her, that her reaction was so different. Casting her lose into her gale of emotions.

"No." Dawn leaned back into the couch, drawing her legs up underneath her. If anything, something was wrong with everyone else. She didn't ever want to be completely numb to death - would she be, after long enough? "Unless it's something wrong with both of us."

Even if both of them were wrong, it was very nice to know she wasn't alone. Shifting her stance slightly Kiri tucked her own knees under her body. Breathing for a few seconds she started to feel better again, "What do you think happens, when we die?"

Dawn laughed - a soft, musical sound, but with a hint of darkness to it. "It would be nice to know, wouldn't it?" She said, tilting her head to look at Kiri. "I've... given it a lot of thought, but I never came up with an answer I was happy with. It would be nice if there was something after this, something grand and magical and eternal." She smiled. "Or maybe to be born again, as someone else, somewhen else."

She tucked a loose strand of hair behind an ear, giving Kiri a small shrug. "Or this is it, and it's all a comfortable, endless sleep after that. I don't think that would be so bad, really. It's not like you'd know, anyway. And there's a kind of poetry to burning brightly, but just once." She paused. "Everything seems more meaningful that way. I guess that's what I believe."

"I'd like to think people were reincarnated," That consciousness was a reusable resource and had to go somewhere, "Or a heaven," The idea of being able to meet her real parents might be nice. Yet she had no evidence for it, nobody did, not really. There were aliens that could act like gods, maybe some of them were. It was something that science didn't explain, didn't understand and that made it uncertain for her, "I'm not sure I believe it though." Looking up at Dawn she tried to smile and then to cover up a yawn.

Dawn shrugged. It was impossible to tell, but the thought was nice. Maybe Stone would come back as a dog and Sidi would come back a human. She smiled to herself, but there was a touch of melancholy to it. "You should get some sleep," she said softly. If it helped the dark circles under Kiri's eyes, it couldn't be bad. "I've got a blanket, if you like." She kept one around so she could sneak naps between appointments, sometimes, especially after a particularly rough night. Still, she decided not to mention it.

"You mean here?" Kiri was tired but she could make it back to her room at least. Looking fairly bewildered she considered for a few moments, would Dawn be here?

Dawn tilted her head. Was that so strange? She thought for a moment, her eyebrows drawn tight. Maybe it was. Her quarters always seemed so... isolated. Maybe Kiri didn't have the same sense of security around the rest of the ship that she did. Dawn couldn't really blame her for that. "I thought it might help," she said quietly. "When I'm sad, my room's the last place I want to be."

"It would be lonely," Kiri looked down at her knees, that much made sense at least. Taking a breath she looked squarely at Dawn, "Would you still be here? I mean, working?" It was something weird for her, yet it didn't seem like it would be entirely unpleasant.

She nodded. "I have a bunch of files to update," she said, and her tone gave away just how dull she thought that was. "If I finish updating them now, I'll have a bunch of free time later." She smiled a bit at that. Counselling wasn't a very linear job, especially on such a small ship. "I'm quite quiet anyway, so it won't be any bother to me." Still, she was starting to feel a bit silly for suggesting it.

"Are you sure, if it's okay?" It was completely natural really but it seemed a nice idea, for a little while at least. It was the same as if she was just sitting here right? Waiting for an answer she thumbed the edge of the blanket.

Dawn nodded again. "Absolutely," she said. "If anything, it'll be a nice change from the same old routine. There's only so many times you can do PADD-work for hours on end before you start to lose it." Her lips parted into a wide grin. "At least this way, I'll feel like I'm actually doing something useful." Even now, the thought of updating medical files made her groan a little in her head.

Gingerly with her self consciousness shining through Kiri bent down and started to unzip her boots, shooting a glance at Dawn as she did so. Even though she said it was fine, Kiri wanted to be sure it wasn't just because she didn't want to refuse her.

Dawn finished her hot chocolate and stood up with a little stretch. "Really, don't worry about it," she said, giving Kiri a small smile. She picked up both of their mugs, padded over to the replicator, and recycled them. The hot chocolate seemed to have done some good, even if it wasn't real medicine. She glanced over at the PADDs on her desk and sighed. They really weren't going to update themselves.

She glanced back at Kiri. She was doing the right thing, wasn't she? Kiri didn't really seem comfortable... but it had to be better than her quarters, right? After all the talk about death and mortality, it was hard to imagine the isolation of her quarters.

Still in her jacket and trousers Kiri huddled herself in the blanket and settled herself where she could see Dawn working. Placing her head against the sofa she thought she would just rest her eyes, then she was gone. Little breaths that every now and then squeaked slightly through her nose.

Dawn smiled to herself and settled down at her desk, glancing toward the window for a moment. Outside, the stars were almost motionless as the Galileo drifted around... whatever planet they were drifting around. They were always so hard to remember when they were just a name and a number.

Up there, among the stars, a new star would soon be born. It was strange to think about, really. From a distance, they were so hard to tell apart, and it was really hard to notice new ones unless you were really paying attention. But that new light would reach across the galaxy some day.

She gave the sofa one last glance, and, being sure not to make to much noise, reluctantly reached for the first PADD.

[OFF]
-------------------
Lieutenant (JG) Dawn Meridian
Counsellor
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer,
USS Galileo

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