Sometimes Being Happy Can Be Self-Destructive (Part 1)

Posted on 18 Mar 2013 @ 6:25pm by Commander Andreus Kohl & Lieutenant Kiri Cho

2,313 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Kiri Cho's Quarters
Timeline: MD 04 - 0122 hours

[ON]

He breathed in and he breathed out, and he thought that would help. To be precise about it, thought wasn't the right word. His body was so riddled with anxious tension, rational thought was beyond him. As much as he hoped breathing would help, it didn't help at all. It felt as if there were butterflies in his stomach, and not just butterflies, but butterflies with razor-edged wings. Those damnable butterflies were tearing up his stomach, while he was just standing there. Standing there, alone, in the passageway on deck three.

Andreus Kohl shifted his weight from his left foot to his right. He stared at the door ahead of him with vacant eyes and he clutched the box closer to his abdomen. The box was simple, a standard Starfleet carrying case. The pressure from the box helped, if only a little. It hurt. It gave him something else to think about. When he heard someone walking in the distance beside him, it occurred to Kohl he couldn't remember how long he had been standing there. Before prying eyes might see him, Kohl reached out and swiped a fingertip across the door chime.

Kiri was recovering. She had talked to Dawn about what Liyar had said, what everyone had said to her. Shaking her confidence right down to rubble, just about starting to recover. Hunched on her sofa she was thinking hard about just going to bed rather than doing anything else. Exercising with Cyrus, having a different shift, it had stretched out her day and there was still lots she could be doing. Then for the first time in days, her chime rang. Confused and feeling very timid Kiri stood up, "Enter." Her voice very quiet, the lights low and her eyes were a little red.

The double doors to the corridor slid apart. Standing there pensively, Kohl was practically silhouetted, the way he was backlit by the bright passageway. His eyes were slow to adjust to the darkness. He couldn't see anything inside, certainly not Kiri Cho herself. Tentatively, he took a step and a half into the compartment. "Hey," he said softly, "It's just me."

The light from the corridor shafted in, that only let her make out an outline though. The voice she knew, and the shape. Eyes wide she spoke softly, "Computer, lights," Then there was a small gasp. A happy glance that quickly turned to confusion, "Kohl?"

As his feet padded into Kiri's quarters, Kohl nodded languidly. "...Yeah," he said, his voice cautious. He blinked at Kiri, blinked through the spots he was seeing from the sudden change in light. As soon as his eyes focused on Kiri --on Kiri's red-rimmed eyes-- Kohl moved towards her. Feeling like he was towering over her, Kohl dropped to his knees on the carpet near the sofa. He set the box down beside him, and he earnestly asked, "Cho, are you feeling well?"

The confusion spread, seeing him on the floor Kiri automatically sank down to the same level. Placing her hands in her lap she glanced at him before looking at the floor, "I, n, well," Taking a deep breath that shook her she finally whispered, "No." Clenching her eye shut she forced a very weak smile as she opened them, "What are you doing here? On the ship?"

Studying her eyes intently with his own lightning-blues, Kohl looked only at Kiri. He didn't even look away when she closed her eyes, he simply waiting for her to meet his gaze once again. "I, uh, I live here?" Kohl said.

"But, you left," You weren't there when I invited you to the beach, you where there when I was sick. You weren't there when I was attacked and alone and sad. Now, now he was here, what had happened?

Quirking an apologetic, lopsided smile, Kohl said, "It was shore leave." --It came out a bit defensively, a bit incredulous, and then he spoke softly again-- "We were granted leave. I needed. My leave." From where he was kneeling on the floor, he sat heavily on his feet.

She wanted other people to want to be around her. Liyar, Cyrus said that people wouldn't want to be around her as she was. Dawn said they were wrong, but Kohl hadn't wanted to do things with her? She'd expected him, wanted him, he had been the nicest, the most friendly. He had made her Birthday something different from just another day. She had no right to want any of that from him though, or expect it, or anything. Adding a side of disappointment to her jumble of self loathing, depression and glimmer of hope, Kiri sank back slightly as well, "Sorry."

"Sorry?" Kohl said. It was a question, but he was the one sounding terribly guilty as he said it. If Kiri had been any other friend, he might have reached out to hold her hand or pat her shoulder, but he stayed right where he was. "I don't-- I don't understand," Kohl said. "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who took off."

Kiri swallowed, "I wanted things I have no right to, sorry." Pinching her thumb against her palm she shook slightly. He was back, she should be happy, she didn't feel happy.

He stared at her, taking in what she had said. Tilting his head to the left, Kohl looked right at her and he asked, "What did you want?"

"I," Kiri didn't want to lie but the true was stupid, childish. Seconds ticked by but she couldn't come up with a lie, "I wanted, you to be my friend." There was more to it than that, so much more that threatened to tumble out of her mouth if she didn't keep it shut.

Kohl breathed out a ragged breath. He sat further back on his heels, slightly widening the distance between them. His timbre was diffident when he spoke again; he sounded slightly hurt. "You don't," he asked, "think of me as your friend?"

"You didn't say goodbye, everyone thought you left," Kiri squirmed, she was drained and putting words into anything that sounded reasonable was a struggle, "When I was hurt, I didn't see you, when I was scared and," She was being stupid. It wasn't his fault he didn't know, he wasn't here. But he still wasn't there when she needed him.

"I thought I would be gone for a couple hours," Kohl said, as if an explanation might work as a retroactive goodbye. "Maybe four hours tops. I met Edias for a date. Edias, from Central Hospital? A couple of hours turned into a couple of days, and by then, I forgot I hadn't told anyone where I was going to be. By then, I can't say I thought about it much." He winced in embarrassment at his own words.

That didn't make things any better. He had completely forgotten about everyone else, forgotten about his job and duty. He had also been on a date, while she wouldn't say it, she didn't like the idea of him going on dates. Looking rather bleakly at him she blinked, eyes shimmering slightly, "I see."

Kiri was saying so few words --despite her eyes having so much to say-- but Kohl had never known much success at trying to pull information out of Kiri. She would share of herself only when she was ready. Although he could infer what her eyes were telling him, his mind latched onto only the concrete facts. Only the words. Going back to something she had said before, Kohl asked, "When were you hurt?"

"Nine days ago. I had a seizure and hit my head, because I hadn't been sleeping," That was mostly her fault, because of the nightmares. She still had them but now at least with drugs she was able to sleep for most of a night uninterrupted.

"Cho, I'm so sorry," Kohl said in an expression of sympathy. He studied her carefully, with a pitiful frown marring his features. He leaned forward again, but was careful to leave a distance between them. He folded his hands on one of his knees. In a timbre of weary optimism, Kohl asked, "You've been well since then, yeah?"

"I've been better," Well isn't the term she'd use. Unable to sleep for more than an hour without a hypospray. It wasn't helping her current problems she felt she had socially but at least someone had come to spend time with her. That was good, "Thank you, for coming back."

Smiling thinly, Kohl's eyes favoured the ceiling. It wasn't his physical environment that concerned him, so much as all his thoughts about coming back. "I feel like," Kohl said, "...I need to be here." He made eye-contact with Kiri, searching her intelligent eyes for any spark of understanding.

Kiri watched his face and managed a tiny smile of her own, she felt like she needed him here as well. Awkwardly she slid forwards a little way on her knees, moving herself along with her hands. At first she placed them back in her lap, then without much thought she reached out with the right one, not really sure what at. Physical contact was almost a taboo in her head but part of her craved it.

He watched Kiri's change in posture and he saw something. He was sure he saw something. "Tell me about the beach at Vega Colony," Kohl said. Even if it came across as a non sequitur, his voice had a wistful quality to it. He reached out and clasped her right hand between both of his own.

"It was nice," His hands felt warm against hers, "The beaches were a silver gold, the water calm. We played games, the others had a barbecue and there was a giant crab that gave birth as well." Most of those thoughts made her happy, even though she was so tired then. She felt wanted and involved at least in the morning. The people she really wanted to spend time with didn't turn up though. Kiri liked Kohl, she liked him a lot and right now everything seemed to fit together. A suppressed part of her wanted to sink into his arms, to feel warmer.

A bleating laugh escaped from deep inside Kohl. He squeezed Kiri's hand with boyish glee. "A giant crab? Gave birth before your eyes??" Kohl asked amid chuckles.

"I didn't see anything of that bit really, but yes," The combination of being squeezed and the laugh made her smile, even feel happy for a moment. She wanted more moments like this.

Continuing to laugh in his revelry, Kohl's torso canted to the right, but he didn't let go of Kiri's hand. He straightened his posture upright, and he said, "I'm sorry I missed that." --He frowned for just a heartbeat-- "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Kiri looked very concerned for a moment, she was used to her own emotional twitches enough to notice his. When he was laughing and smiling she didn't feel like being sad, when he made faces like that it made what she really felt all too real again. Gingerly she placed her free hand on the outside of his, "It's not your fault," If she was more in control of herself then this situation wouldn't exist, "But, if it happens again, can you warn me?"

"I want to say I will, Cho, but I can't lie to you," Kohl told her. "I would have warned you this time, but I didn't even think of it. I wasn't doing much thinking at all. I was following my heart exclusively. I needed to turn off my brain, after everything with the Klingons, after my dad was killed..."

"What?" Kiri was completely shocked, she hadn't heard anything about that? She hadn't noticed him being sad, he had, so, she must be a terrible friend. Much more subdued she bit very hard on her lip, "Sorry, I didn't, I'm sorry."

"Oh no. Oh no, Cho, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Kohl said, all-a-fluster. His face went red with embarrassment and he quickly pressed his palms to his cheeks. He breathed in deep, and then, "I didn't-- I didn't tell anybody. I didn't-- I was afraid-- it's so stupid-- I was afraid they would deem me unfit for duty. I didn't want to go back-- go home when I just got here." He took a deep breath again, and then all his manic energy was gone. "It didn't matter. Those rogue Klingons ran us into the nebula. My mother couldn't reach me through subspace silence."

"I'm sorry, still," Kiri didn't know what to do, no one she knew lost anyone before. Frantically trying to put herself in his position, trying to think how other people would act. Though it wasn't natural for her, she held her arms open a little way and leaned forwards.

Kohl went the rest of the way, and he immediately wrapped her in a bear hug. He held onto Kiri, not saying anything else, and he buried his face in her shoulder.

It was sudden, it was nice. Kiri rested her cheek against his chest, he felt warm. She could hear his heartbeat, that was strange. Other than her mother she'd never been close enough to another human being to do so, strange turned to wonder. Slipping to the side slightly to get closer she almost ended up in his lap, she didn't want to move though. To have him hold her was something she wanted, she felt it was something he wanted to. Keeping quiet, closing her eyes, it was as much being there for him as making herself feel better.

[TBC]

Lieutenant (Junior Grade) Andreus Kohl
Assistant Chief Medical Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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