I Feel Better When I'm Numb

Posted on 05 Aug 2012 @ 7:51pm by Commander Andreus Kohl

458 words; about a 2 minute read

Andreus Kohl's Personal Log, begin recording:

I'm staring at myself in the mirror and I don't see it. I can't see where it's gone. I almost-- I almost don't recognise myself. That happens to me sometimes, doesn't it? (I don't know how common a psychological phenomenon that is.) If I stare into the mirror long enough, those eyes don't look like they're mine. It's like the eyes staring back at me are somehow independent, like they belong to someone else. I recognise the texture of my hair, the shape of my nose, the incipient lines beside my eyes... My body moves the way I move, but the eyes in the mirror shift. They transform. They're not mine.

I should see it. It should be right there. Shouldn't it? There should be sorrow in my eyes, but it's not there. The sorrow is... absent. My father died yesterday. He died. His body was pulverized inside a shuttle that smashed into a planet. It was the only thing I could think about yesterday. I massacred every first impression I offered to my new crew, because it was the only thing I could think about yesterday. It got so bad, I succumbed to acute stress reaction when I tried to report to duty. I went into shock in Pola's arms.

That was only the beginning. I came aboard Galileo and we were attacked by Klingons. They physically, bodily came aboard our home and they murdered members of our crew. I thought, I thought I could leave that sort of thing behind me on Bactricia. I thought, I mean, no, I know conflict happens in space. We bring it with us. Officers go on away missions and they don't come back. Conflict happens. Violence is a reality of being an officer. I know I've said it before, but, but it's not the same. It's different when it happens aboard a Starfleet vessel. A Starfleet science vessel. I don't know why it's different, but it is. It's not only about the violence, so much as it's about the violation. It's about home invasion.

I'm describing these things to you, Computer. Well... No, I'm describing them to myself, and I don't feel what I know I should be feeling. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything at all. Traumatic things have happened, and I've lost him. I've lost my father. I've lost my father and I don't feel bad about it. I've not just lost him, but I've destroyed my own emotions?

It's like sleep washed away everything that happened yesterday, and a whole lot of nothing has taken it's place. Maybe--

Maybe--

Maybe that's for the best. Maybe that's how I'll get through this.

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