Three Times

Posted on 12 Jun 2015 @ 8:44pm by Commander Andreus Kohl

436 words; about a 2 minute read

"Computer, begin recording a communique to Doctor Pola Ni Dhuinn aboard the USS Olympius," Andreus Kohl said to the LCARS companel in his quarters.

Dear Pola,

I have to thank you three times over. I'm so very grateful to hear from you. It warms me to know I can rely on you, and that I can talk to you. Your friendship is something I treasure, and it scares me to think I hurt you before. I also thank you for your advice. There was a time I modelled my leadership style based on you entirely. I've started to find my own way, but to this day, I still speak Pola-isms when I'm trying to coach junior officers into solving their own difficulties. Most of all, thank you for your belief in me. I need that more than you might think. You were the one who convinced me I hadn't hit a dead-end in my career, that all of my experience was meaningful and valuable, even when I thought it looked like nothing but a downward spiral. That belief changed everything for me.

Something new occurred to me.

After I wrote to you, after I've agonized over the petulant way I've behaved with some of my officers, after I've discussed it ad nauseam with Commander Stace...

Something new occurred to me.

If I shouted at all of those junior officers, if their behaviour impacted me in such a way that I lost my temper and beaked off at them, that means they made me angry. And in a way, it's a kind of thrilling that they made me angry. That so many of them made me angry. Do you see? Actually, I think it's perfect that they made me angry and perfect that I told them off.

For weeks now (for months?) I've felt separated and isolated from my peers aboard the ship. I could engage in simple day-to-day interactions and I wouldn't feel alone. But I haven't been feeling deep and meaningful connections to other people. There have been a handful of people who have been starting to get through to me, starting to get through the emotional trauma of my spinal injury. And now, if members of my science staff are making me angry? Well that must mean they're getting through too. It means I care, don't you see? I care about the careers and livelihood of the science staff.

I can't say I cared before. Not really. Not meaningfully. They must only be provoking my ire so significantly, because I care! It's exciting to care again. It really is.

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