A Dose of Reality

Posted on 04 Mar 2015 @ 11:39pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D.

743 words; about a 4 minute read

The viewscreen blinked into life and Oren came into view, or his uniform did as he fiddled with the controls. Sitting back, he stared at the console, wondering if it was on. He'd been using the logs audio recording feature so far, having completely been in the dark about the fact that there was a video feature. As the record signal went off, Oren shifted awkwardly in his seat.

"Um...I'm not sure if this video thing is a good idea," he began, reaching over to turn off the recording but stopped. Maybe it was good to try new things and, if he ignored the fact that it was recording his appearance, he could surely string together at least a few coherent sentences. Running his hand through his hair, Oren slumped against the desk, resting his elbow on it while his chin was set in his hand.

"I don't know what to say," he admitted to the empty room and whoever would see the recording. He glanced off to the side, then back at the deck. "It's almost 2300 hours. I made it. It's been a day, or it will be when I get to bed. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep."

Feeling fidgety, he leaned back, rocking in his chair in silence for a few moments. "I wish...I wish I could say this was all heartbreak. That Ellsworth's actions had cut me so deeply that my soul is bleeding, but....the more I think about it the more I realise it isn't true. Yes...I love Ellsworth. Ridiculous, isn't it? After what he did?" He gave a humorless huff of a laugh.

"But I do. Like I told Prudence, loving him just feels natural to me. But, what he did was...beyond hurtful, I don't even have a word for it. It just feel unforgivable now," Oren explained, looking off to the side, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"Still...I wish all of this pain was just Ellsworth's doing. That I could somehow blame him for all of it and wait for the heartbreak to end as the love fades. But it would be a lie." He sniffed. "It just...triggered something inside of me, like..." He let out a frustrated noise, rubbing his face with his hand. "I don't know how to explain it. It's like....I was in this daze, this wonderful fantasy world, where the future was bright and I was okay, but then suddenly it was all ripped away, like waking up from a nightmare, only...in reverse?" Letting out a disgusted noise at his inelegant phrasing, Oren shook his head and tried again.

"Reality just hit me and I realised," he shrugged. "I can't have this. I'm not....it's just not in my cards, to be happy. Yeah, I get little pockets of it here and there but the big picture? It's just...nothingness. I don't get to have a normal life, the kind of life people say everyone should hope for. I suppose it was my own fault, this pain." On the screen, Oren reached up to wipe a tear away.

"I hoped...I thought that maybe things would be different this time. Even if it didn't last, I could have a moment to feel normal, like I didn't have to pretend and I could just act without thinking. That maybe it was finally happening, I was okay."

He bit his lip, breathing shallowly for a moment, lost in thought. Closing his eyes, he slumped back on the chair. "I feel like such an idiot," he said, sighing. "Why can't I just accept this?" he said softly, more to himself than for the recording. "I wish I could just learn to accept that this is how it's always going to be. I'm just...not enough. There's just something missing in me, something I don't have that others do and...." He sniffed, reaching up to wipe at his eyes again. There was no sobbing, the tears just slowly flowed from his eyes.

"I wish I could just accept that I'm like this," Oren repeated, looking down. "Broken. Incomplete, whatever you want to call it." He glanced up at the small light near the console.

"I'm really tired...." he admitted, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes again. "I'm tired of feeling stupid for wishing for things that are normal for me to want." With that, Oren reached over and cut the recording.

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