Lead me out on the moonlit floor

Posted on 16 Feb 2015 @ 3:11pm by Commander Andreus Kohl

567 words; about a 3 minute read

Andreus Kohl's personal log, supplemental entry.

I don't-- I wish I knew why I kissed her. I need to know why I kissed Pola Ni Dhuinn. We never-- There was never a sexual context to our friendship before. When she was the Chief Medical Officer of Galileo and I was her Assistant Chief, we were friends. We were colleagues. She was my mentor. Despite what she says, I still credit her with giving me the guidance I needed to become successful on this ship. Even after she went away, I still wrote to her. I still needed to tell her about my good days, and my great days. Sure, we liked to dance when we worked together in Sickbay, but we always kept our hands where Humans keep their hands when they dance. But now, when I saw her again in Cosmos, my hands kept finding her of their own volition. They had never done that before. I'd certainly never thought of doing that before.

Does that happen to people? Can people see a person every day for weeks, and talk to a person for months more, and then, at a seemingly random time on a seemingly random day, wake up to discover their hands want to run themselves down that person's body? Does that happen? Is that, perhaps, a common fact that everybody knows, and nobody remembered to tell me about? It could be. I haven't felt much like people lately. I've been an officer first, an officer only. I knew that was a risk, I suppose. I've certainly witnessed it happen to those who rise in rank. I mean-- just take one look at Captain Holliday, y'know?

But that's not why I joined Starfleet. Certainly, Starfleet means more to me than any one division or expertise. I left behind diplomacy for career advancement. (...Perhaps I'd outgrown that desire anyway.) I gave up practicing medicine for career advancement. (...I still miss that one.) But I was never supposed to give up my me, my life. That was never the goal, or the aim. No amount of pips or comfy chairs is worth that. I was supposed to become unduly familiar with fellow officers -- make some friends, build a family. But I suppose, if I've learned anything from my counselling sessions, it's that I probably didn't give up my personal life. It was simply lost, it was injured, in my trauma with the Borg.

...I hope-- I hope it wasn't simply that. I was excited to see Pola again. It had been so long. In my excitement to see her again, I was feeling a warmth for another person that I hadn't felt in quite a long time. It was a thrilling feeling, a feeling I valued, and maybe because it was so foreign to me, I had forgotten what it means to me. Maybe I assumed it was the same thing as sexual attraction. I've certainly spent enough of my life giving in to that one, it's more second nature to me than most others.

Maybe it was only the fondness of a deep friendship, with deep history. It has become unfamiliar and I didn't know what to do about those feelings.

And so I kissed her.

But then--

What I don't understand is--

Why did Pola kiss me?

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