Running Up That Hill

Posted on 01 Aug 2014 @ 1:53am by Petty Officer 1st Class Gabriel Stark

434 words; about a 2 minute read

"Well, on the plus side, I didn't get thrown out of the Fleet...again..."

Gabriel lifted his hands as he watched the screen that was recording him, frowning as he shook his head with a sigh.

"On the down side, the First Officer sent me back to regular medical and counselling sessions."

He leant back in his chair, closing his eyes as he ran his hands through his hair, holding his breath tightly as if that could just...pause the world for a moment. Hold things still until he was dizzy with it. As if he could escape from reality for a moment.

"I had it coming, talking back to an officer, but....poor Ruktah, man..." he shook his head, his breath trembling. "Lost in that place. Killed down there. I couldn't keep my mouth shut when we were ordered to leave him without so much as looking for him."

Gabriel's frown deepened as he leant forward in the chair, wrapping both arms around his middle, as if there was a deep ache. "I hate counselling and medicals," he whispered.

"Making you talk about things you've forgotten. Dragging up past hurts that should just stay where they are. And then Sickbay...vulnerable while people touch you and look at you like just another lump of flesh on the table. No privacy, no dignity."

He sat back, rubbing his neck, trying to get rid of the ache there. "Who knows. Sometimes I feel on top of the world, as if nothing could possibly be wrong, as if nothing had ever happened in my old life, the place that feels like another world. And sometimes....sometimes I feel like my mind won't stop. Like it sees and hears and feels everything, and turns it over and over, not letting me ignore a single detail, on and on, noise and people and memories and thoughts and feelings and problems and solutions and life and death...and I'm heavy with it, like a shrouded man thrown overboard into the ocean, sinking deeper into black, icy water until I can't see, or breathe."

Gabriel was silent for several, long moments, just looking out of the viewport, watching the view with dark eyes. "They say your past always catches up with you," he said quietly. "Not if you run fast enough. Not if you run and push and play and dance and screw and fight and live fast enough. There's always a way."

He finished his drink before shutting the computer off with a frown. He didn't even bother trying to clear his bed before dropping down onto it, exhausted.

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