Kiri Cho's Personal Log 05

Posted on 29 Sep 2012 @ 9:28pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho

429 words; about a 2 minute read

I'm starting to feel as if I get more and more lost every time I move forwards. I know what Brayden said, that it takes time to make friends, that it won't just happen. But, how long will it take? I watch the other people on the ship, how they act to one another. They talk about their shared experiences, something funny, tell jokes, talk about someone they both know or sometimes work. The more I watch the less able I think I am. One day maybe I could act like that, to develop all those connections though, to know someone, to be close to them. Wouldn't that take years? I feel so far away from everyone, I don't like getting to know people. I know I should, I want to know them, just, all the time I remember how I want it to be, I can't stop thinking about it.

It's silly I know, I shouldn't think that, I need to focus on just making friends the way he told me. With most of them though, I just feel out of place, I can't even tell if they really like me or not. I try to be a nice person but I can't think of that many things that would make me a good friend. I don't know how to describe it, I'd just like to know I'm not annoying them. I really hope I'm not, but, what if I am?

I'm also worrying more about being an older sister, I just don't know anything about children. If I can't make friends or get people to like me if I can see them every day, how do I do it with someone younger who won't even see very often? I just feel sick on the inside when I think about it, when I stop to try and think about it, well, any of it, people, talking to them, my legs start shaking. Its just starting to get too much, too scary.

Running the department, just for a little while, helps keep me really busy, so I don't have to think about it too much. I have to try harder, do better, I just don't know how. I'm starting further studies in almost all fields, I'm going to try and have meetings with all the department members, there is a whole lot to do.

This is really disjointed I know, I just, I'm rather messed up, I think. I just, I guess I am as well, I'm going to visit the counsellor when I can, I think I should.

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