Perception

Posted on 11 Feb 2013 @ 8:23pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho

4,204 words; about a 21 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Mess Hall
Timeline: MD3 2000 Hours

ON:

This Alamo / too small a place / for dying.

Terrans still baffled him. Vaikreyan's unerring obsession with their poetry didn't help, either. Baffling, mysterious, but figuring out the math behind these was, on some level, intriguing. Vaikreyan was in his opinion more than a simple telepathic vessel. He didn't know if she were truly sentient, although she liked to think she was. If she could think. He still didn't know. She talked to him. And she had talked to Sekhet, too, so he wasn't insane. The note had merely been inscribed, I think you'll find this interesting. ~Sekhet. It had arrived during their holdover on SB185.

Lily: / out of the water... / out of itself.

He had to admit, the cadence was pleasant. And for a Vulcan, someone who truly couldn't discern the nuances of Standard in the same way, it was an interesting diversion. Sarai Dahan had once called him unusually poetic. Intrigued, he'd tried to figure out the concept. And failed. Miserably. Poetic, he certainly was not. Poetry was entirely too pedantic and miserable. Why couldn't they be plain? Even what little was available in the archives, in his own language, just gave him a headache. Sentimental and uncomfortable drivel.

Numbers, though. Math. Sound. Or maybe Vaikreyan was messing around in his skull. Could be that. Liyar blinked down toward his PADD and read the next few, shaking his head to himself. I am not out of tune, he thought to himself with a 'harrumph'. In front of him was an empty tray. He hadn't come here to eat, just to sit and read. (If one does not grasp something -- something which does not merely touch us through our senses but contacts the life within and has the dynamic form of nature -- no matter how cunningly we form our words, they will give only a hollow sound. Those who compose haiku without grasping anything are merely exercising their ingenuity. The ingenious become only selectors of words and cannot create new experiences from themselves....)

Again with qualia. This persistent sensation he couldn't get rid of or understand, but that was essential to experiencing a world without relying on his abilities. How? He was distracted suddenly as the random spike of Consciousness pinged through the buzz on his skin. Kiri Cho. She was standing before him, so he gestured to the opposite chair. "Good evening," he offered by way of greeting.

Am I wanted? Maenad was busy. Theron hadn't even come to see her, Peers did, that was important. Was she the only person that wanted her around? Today she felt lonely, having started with Cyrus and doing what he told her. After another night on her own she longed for someone to be close to her, so she might not be so scared any more. Since she had found herself wanting that she had seemed so much further away from it. It was all running round and round in her head. On her face she wore a forced smile, "Good evening Liyar." A large bowl of spicy soup and a finger of crusty bread were nearly placed on her tray.

Liyar absorbed her presence, flicking his gaze back and forth between reading (Spring, Early Spring, Mid-Spring, / Late Spring / February, March, April / Lunar new year / First day of Spring / Lingering cold / Signs of Spring / Spring equinox / Spring morning, Spring afternoon, Spring evening, Spring night / Last spring light / Balmy day / Parting (/passing ) spring / End of the cold... his fingers tap out a rhythm as he tracks the words) and the lieutenant. Before long he finished the poem, and his tapping, and switched the page to a blank one, folding the PADD under his arm and resting his chin on his fingertips. "You appear unsettled," he cut straight to the point. He was observing now, or at least trying to. Trying really hard. She was tense. Distant looking. Her eyes didn't do that strange thing they did when most humanoids really meant their smile. (Two lobes of the brain, he recalls it. Bell's palsy affects the intentional smile, not the legitimate smile.)

She was starting to learn that she couldn't hide things from him, not yet. However that didn't mean he could read everything, "Yes." Kiri tried to think of the soup, the work she had to go back to after this. The Beta shift had less people on it, there was more work for her to do. It felt like she was being forced to grow up more but she wasn't ready. Being isolated more when she had barely had a chance to make friends, there was only one friend she was even sure of any more.

It was something he just wasn't any good at. Now her face told him she liked to stare at soup. How did Terrans do this? How did anyone? He let out a slow breath. Why couldn't people just be plain with one another? He didn't have much to do since he had no food on his tray, and Vulcans were not particularly prone to idle movement, so he stared at her calmly. He tried to think of how to word his next thought diplomatically. He was a Vulcan. He was not interested in feelings. But he was learning that people, most people, cared a great deal about them. For the most part, he didn't want to intentionally harm them. What was it about the truth that frightened people so much? Even he wasn't immune to it. "Why is this?" He abandoned the earlier thought. This was simpler. And it wasn't an overly frivolous statement, either.

Kiri still didn't know him very well, or several aspects of Vulcans. Quietly she picked up the bread and broke off a piece, "Do Vulcans feel lonely?" It was a personal question but she wasn't really sure she could explain her situation to someone that didn't understand what it meant.

Liyar thought about it. He separated his hands from his head and stared at them, forming them into loose fists in front of him, eyes dulling while he processed. "The k'war'ma'khon, the connection that we have to our Greater Consciousness, ensures that we are never truly alone in our minds," he started carefully. "Distance from our planet, from one's family and kin, that can cause the bonds to dull. Vulcans who do not have mates or children may feel this acutely. These are likely the most common experiences a Vulcan would have to what you term loneliness. Like most Federation species, Vulcans require social interaction in order to remain neurologically stable. You are lonely?" he asked, tilting his head to the side in his usual expression of curiosity, like an overgrown cat.

"Yes," She dipped the bread but for a second she didn't have the energy to pull it out. He wasn't going to tell anyone, it was safe? Breath raked across her lips in a wobbling burst for a moment, "I think it makes me sad a lot." She couldn't meet his eyes right now, her bread started to break apart.

He understood the neurological implications of loneliness. He understood how very much Vulcans relied on the Consciousness, on their links, for survival. He even understood how his own loss deeply impacted the structure of his mind, rendering him practically brain damaged. Certainly something no true Vulcan would feel comfortable around. But this was different. Terrans experienced loneliness for reasons he could not understand. Maybe they were the same. Connections. Peeking into the void and having someone peek back. Speaking and being heard. Knowing yourself through being known by others. (If you're alone and you make a sound, have you made any sound at all?) But Kiri didn't strike him as someone who was lonely. She had friends. Didn't she? He didn't know. He didn't understand how friendship worked outside of the Vulcan equivalent. He didn't know how two aliens went about being friends. He blinked slowly. Condense, condense. Thoughts into a star. "Why do you feel alone?"

"I don't feel very close to anyone," Pulling at the bread it fell apart and only the crust pinched between her fingers remained. Picking up a spoon she started to fish the bread out, "I don't really think anyone wants to be around me socially." The gates had started to open up now, she hadn't had a chance to talk to anyone about this yet, "No one other than Peers has asked me to do anything with them." Kiri was getting stressed over that. She'd invite people to anything, other than work she didn't want to do anything alone. Yet, no one else seemed to respond in kind to her. It was something she would really like to happen. It showed that someone was thinking about her.

Liyar blinked. He did not understand very well. Was this how friendships were supposed to work? He did not really think so. But how could he judge? He was Vulcan. Most people didn't even think Vulcans had friends. But her description, it was... lacking. Lacking something. No, it was describing the wrong thing. A regimented set of activities, this is what friends do. But if two people just went through the motions, they missed the point. He thought back to his few close friends in life. They'd simply evolved. He wanted to spend time with them. They wanted to spend time with him. They benefited from one another's company. It was logical. Were other species the same way? "You wish that others would demonstrate that they appreciate your presence," he elaborated on his thoughts with a nod. "Because you cannot feel their regard for you." This was the realm of expressive feeling, which he had zero experience with.

"I think so," Putting it in to words didn't feel like it was very accurate. Catching the bread on her spoon, she felt slightly more accomplished. She had said as much to Carlisle but that felt a long time ago and she hadn't gotten the answers she'd wanted then either. Still it didn't seem like things had improved that much.

"What sort of thing would inspire such a feeling in you?" Liyar asked, curiously. "That is, what sort of behavior would lead you to believe that others appreciate you?" This was new to him, the idea that people needed to be shown or reassured in this way.

Kiri slid the sodden bread into her mouth at thinking hard, "I invited everyone on the ship to the beach. And some to a lunch on the planet and I have meals with some people but I almost always ask people so we can set them up. No one really asks me to join them, or organises things for me, since Kohl left. I know it is silly, but how else do I know they want to be around me?"

Liyar had absolutely no idea. Was that the point? But he couldn't comment. He didn't have the information to do so."It seems as if you are forming an expectation of their behavior," Liyar said cautiously. He shrugged a little. Were this Vulcan, he would have a much better scope to judge this entire scenario from. He felt a little like Nagel's bat exposed to the light and flapping around uselessly. But it was true, wasn't it? What if some friends just weren't like that. What if they were odd friends? What if they were like him, and didn't even know? "Have you asked?"

"I'm not sure of the truth if I asked. Even if you dislike someone or don't really care, you might say you do to be polite. Reminding people to invite me doesn't answer that either," She really didn't want to be like this. It felt like she didn't have the energy to do more though. To pretend to be happy and contented like she did before, it might even be her own little cry for help.

But you could not truly know another. You could only know yourself. Control yourself. Experience yourself, your own scope. But he couldn't explain it, either. Especially to someone who couldn't connect the same way. He was reminded of T'Iomh, one of Sekhet's friends from his time at the monastery. Diagnosed as ska'rihk razh nafu'es ertaya. As a receptive empath, she had no base, no core of herself. She constantly relied on others' judgments of her, and when she could not get them, she engineered situations in order to illicit them. How could she know herself, when there was nothing to resonate? What was there to base her perception on, when it was always reflecting a picture of someone else? All of these thoughts went through his head, but he didn't know how to verbalize them. He wanted to help. His instinctive reaction was as always to explain his thoughts, to share his perceptions. But he had the distinct impression that would do more harm than good. So he said the only truthful thing he could. "I would offer my assistance, if it were of any use, but I do not know much of this realm. If there is a manner that I can help," he looked up, expression bland as ever, offering a gesture, "That you would know of, then I would endeavor to do so."

Sipping the soup from her spoon, Kiri looked up. A smile cracked across her lips for a few seconds, "Thank you, but I don't really know how you can." Inside she was happy he cared but less so that she had to point it out. Was it really hard for people to tell how she was feeling? Lying with her face was so natural she had managed to forget that she did it. That all the walls she had put up since childhood while weaker were still there. She did her best not to let anyone in but she wanted someone to see, someone to smash though. Anyone that could though she was too scared of talking to about it yet. The smile shifted to glumness looking down at her soup as she finished another few spoonfuls. Giving herself some time to breathe she thought hard. She was meant to be a cool officer, not a lonely little girl. Suck it up and grow up, a coldness settled across her. It helped distract her, "When do you think we can have another session?"

Liyar watched her for a while and then nodded, turning his PADD back on and bringing up the list section. Many, many lists. "Due to your recent change in schedule our ability to coalign sessions has become more difficult. However, at this time now, you do take a break for one hour. Rather than infringe on your additional spare time, which includes sleeping, I have been contemplating scheduling our sessions during this period." He showed her the schedule. "We would only have an hour per session, but that is suitable for the time being. If you are amenable, I will institute the changes and we can begin tomorrow."

"I wouldn't really have time to eat anything," Their other sessions had been longer than an hour and Kiri wasn't sure about doing something so draining in the middle of the day. Since she was trying her best to eat meals properly it might not be a good idea to get back into eating alone, "I guess there isn't much time to really fit it in."

"You would," Liyar assured her. "My intention is not to force you to compromise your own health. The actual sessions would be closer to forty minutes rather than a full hour. And it is without doubt that I would require to introduce concepts far more slowly than were it to be lengthier. However, there is very little else in the way of options." He could not do so after her shift, because she needed to sleep. And theoretically, so did he. He could not do it beforehand because he was on duty. Before his own shift, he could not, because of his training sessions with Maenad, and not before that because regardless of rest, he required meditation. But daily sessions would make up for the loss, he felt, rather than staggered out, he did not think she would notice much of a difference in her progress.

If she did this though, she couldn't have dinner with Lilou, or Maenad again. Outside of her shift she wouldn't be with any of the people she was starting to make friends with. Other than Theron, Cyrus and maybe Jacob, that was it. That far from helped how lonely she felt, but there wasn't a choice was there? Looking rather miserable now Kiri nodded her head, "I see, okay." Maybe she could have breakfast when they had lunch but, it didn't feel right.

"This is at your discretion," Liyar reminded her. "If you feel that it would be a burden to continue these sessions," he started, making a small gesture outward with his hand before trailing off. He could feel how thoroughly unhappy she was about it, but there was nothing he could conceivably do. It was her decision.

"I don't know," Kiri felt completely torn, she wanted to be around other people she wanted to have friends. She also wanted to be useful and this was something that would help with that. It would make her stronger but, she might be all on her own again. The persona she was trying to capture was gone, she was back to where she started, "Can I have some time to think about it?"

The Vulcan nodded. "If you feel that you would be more content without the added training, then I would urge you to reconsider doing so. Otherwise, it will likely cause you pain." It was the only advice he could offer. He had never known a student to succeed who did not truly desire to do so. If she was conflicted, she would just find it more arduous and enter a circle of frustration.

"I don't know," Say she didn't do it, would that mean that anyone would actually want to spend time with her? Maenad had said they would have dinner soon but then she had moved her shift. Peers might but, now she wasn't sure. If she buried herself in work, even work with Liyar maybe it wouldn't matter if she was lonely. Maybe that was best, she would be out of everyone else's way then. It wouldn't matter and she wouldn't have to find out if they liked her or not. Her soup was getting cold.

"Then it would be wise to reconsider," Liyar agreed. Without one hundred percent certainty, the likelihood that she would find the training useful to begin with was very low. He turned his PADD over and studied a random set of drawings that had loaded onto the screen. He looked away and studied her. He could not understand her preoccupation with people liking her. "Whether or not others validate you and appreciate you, Lieutenant, you exist," he finally said. "Independently of their thoughts and their perceptions. Whether or not someone likes you, you still remain. They do not have to deal with those feelings. You do. I would encourage you to find peace with your existence, absent the influence of anyone but yourself."

"Is existing enough though?" Kiri looked at her soup. She knew she wasn't going to disappear, that her job was important but something else had been woken up in her. Before she had been happy, no able to cope with being alone. Now she was scared, lonely, sad, they only way she had of dealing with those feelings was to bury them, or be with someone. Brayden, Kohl they had made her smile, shown her how to act. Now what was she to do, go back to the way before? Knowing that she had been like that, she hated that part of her. The one that had run away all her life from being around people other than a select few. When she made that choice she was a child and now she knew it was wrong. Yet it seemed like the best option, it wasn't fair. She didn't want to be alone, she didn't want to cry to herself in an empty bed. However she pretended that part was there now, the lonely part. How could she ever find peace as she was?

"Of course," Liyar said, arching an eyebrow at her. Countless sessions of meditation had only reaffirmed this belief, if not any others. The depth and quality of meditation had been highly elusive to him, but in that, he knew. "Existing is the reason for all things. Of course it is enough." He repeated it uncharacteristically, staring blankly at her, an odd set to his facial expression that he hadn't really at all demonstrated in her presence before. It was gone as quickly as it showed up and he settled back into the usual placidity. "Lieutenant, until you are at peace with who you are, until you have stability and confidence in yourself, then others will undoubtedly prefer not to spend time with you." He knew that from firsthand experience. People did not want to deal with a person who they somehow felt responsible for. That wasn't friendship, it was a relationship of inequality. "It is imperative that you find your own sense of things, before you begin integrating with others. Relying on others to tell you how to be and act will only result in a constantly shifting model of behavior. You need to decide for yourself and then be satisfied with that decision. Confidence inspires others to seek you out and connect with you, because it proves that you have a well established sense of," he paused and gestured with his hands apart, "Boundaries," he tried to explain. "The way that you are now, I can only conclude that others feel helpless in their interactions with you, due to the fact that you are relying on them to fix a problem that can only be fixed from within yourself. This helplessness that people feel around you is likely the reason why they are distant toward you." He just had to take a gamble, and hope that his own understanding of the phenomenon from a Vulcan perspective would be enough.

It felt like he had taken a baseball bat to her chest. A numb feeling dripped through her as each limb got heavier and heavier. She was stunned, it hurt. That no one would like her lonely and weak, that the only way she saw not to be lonely and weak was for people to like her. So no one would ever like her, that he was saying it was her fault that Maenad didn't want to spend time with her. That no one would ever love her because of the way she was. Her defensive reaction was to strike back as hard as she could and run away. Kiri could barely breath though, she dropped her spoon into the bowl. She was angry, she wanted to cry, to scream, to shout at him she had no idea what person she was. That there had never been one, that everyone would hate that person, that no one had ever met the real her. Maybe he was right but it felt like that would destroy her. Standing up she almost tripped over her chair, her voice a shaking whisper, "Sorry, I need to go." Without pause she turned and clumsily started walking towards the door.

Liyar watched her scramble to her feet and practically run away in the opposite direction. It happened too fast for him to react, leaving him alone at his table with only his PADD for company. Still, he was left wondering why simply speaking the truth of one's experience had caused such a reaction. On one hand, he regretted that she was now in pain, and it hadn't been his intention. He frowned imperceptibly to himself. On the other hand, it was the only truth he had within him. He was Vulcan. He could not knowingly lie. He suspected that she would not be overly fond of him from now on, regardless. He stared at his PADD and began reading anew. He had been as diplomatic as he possibly could have. What else was he meant to say? You carried on. He didn't realize he was tense, teeth clenched as he stood shortly after and headed out. You went through your day, you existed and you made peace with that existence, and that was all. Rather than continue in that vein of thought he shut it out of his head, burying it instead in the numbers and pictures in front of him, heading straight for the lift.

OFF:

Lieutenant (JG) Liyar
Diplomatic Officer, VDF/SDD
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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