Masks Like Mine (Part 2)

Posted on 01 Feb 2013 @ 8:48pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant Lilou Zaren

2,625 words; about a 13 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 2, Lilou's Quarters
Timeline: MD01: 1740 hrs

[Continued]

"Anyone I don't know, or a place I don't know," It was strangers that had attacked her and while she knew it was silly Kiri was scared it would happen again. Voicing a current concern she added, "I hope I don't have to go to the Starbase."

"You won't have to, at this point. Not until your lot finishes surveying the Rojar system, anyway." Lilou searched Kiri's face. "Have you looked through the crew log? We could go through and look at the basic personnel information for everyone on the ship. Then you'll know who belongs and who doesn't. Would that help?"

"I tried that," Kiri bit her lip, "But I know it can be falsified, so it doesn't really help." Unless she had spoken to them she really couldn't trust anyone and even then. She knew it was silly and it was all in her head but it wouldn't leave. It wasn't something she could shake.

It could? The thought had never even occurred to Lilou. "Really?" she asked, concerned, nudging the chow mein into the congee and mixing them up, thinking. "How?" She paused, then thought of a better question, "Why?"

"Bypass security systems, make some changes to the history data archives and active database and that is just on the ship. Someone could have created the information at any time and pretended to be an officer for years so everything would seem quite real," Kiri had dropped into a more formal roll as she explained. She could falsify the information given a few hours and make it appear she was someone else entirely.

"Why?" Lilou asked again, shaking her head. "What would be the point?"

Peers worked on Project Sienna didn't she? It was better not to talk about it though, "It is classified." Surely she would know what it was about though. They hadn't exactly been on a lot of missions yet.

Classified? Lilou shifted uncomfortably. What was classified? What was going on? SFI Operatives... SFI Operatives had kidnapped Kiri. Spirits, she'd been so wrapped up in the fact that Kiri had been hurt, she hadn't even thought about what that meant exactly. Maybe Kiri wasn't like her; wasn't trapped in a memory that was scary and painful and trying to pull out of it. Maybe she was actually in danger, still. "You think there's more of them?"

"On the ship probably not, but out there," Kiri looked towards the window, "I think there must be, they can't be alone and they know the failed." There were better people than her they might want to take away but maybe they were angry. Maybe they wanted revenge, best to try not to think about that.

Lilou frowned. She didn't understand how they'd gotten her in the first place, or what they wanted with her. "If they're not on the ship, we don't have to deal with them yet." But they would eventually. And she would be happy to be one of the first people to aim a phaser at them, Starfleet or not. "In the meantime, I guess we have to just... make sure you know everyone on the ship, somehow. So you can feel safe here."

"That's not easy," Kiri answered, "I just get scared right now. But its getting better." Why was it so easy to talk to Peers? Anyone else she would have shut up right away and locked her mouth down. Was this what it was like to have a friend, it felt right, "Do you get scared?" There had been hints but Kiri wasn't really sure if she had picked up on them properly.

"All the time," Lilou admitted softly, then took a big bite of grakizh and chewed, perhaps longer than was needed.

Kiri knew she wasn't the only one but, it was nice to hear someone else say it. Eating a few more of the beans she smiled as the topic started to change slightly, "How do you deal with it? I try to ignore it."

"I tried that for a while. It made it worse, because I couldn't." She studied her plate, "Maybe you're different. I don't know. I'm just now starting to learn how to... not let it... rule over me. Two years of ignoring it and instead it became a habit. My impulse. My automatic setting." She cleared her throat, "So now I breathe. And I imagine a small lake, somewhere a little cold and a little damp, hidden inside a cave and I picture water dropping from stalactites and rippling out through the still surface of the lake. And then I breathe some more. And that helps."

In most cases it made it worse but Kiri was starting to find an easier line to walk. Her mistakes made long ago were ignoring things that scared her, but it was still easier than fighting them. At least fighting them right away. Imagining something else though, that could work? But something calming, how world that work? What she wanted was not to be scared, to be cool. Pretending to be an officer helped her act like one, so should she pretend to be a cooler officer, one that wasn't scared? "I see," Puzzling it over Kiri bit her lip, "Can I ask, what happened to you?" More or less Peers's knew what had happened to her so, it was fair? Well she was curious anyway.

Lilou bit her lip. She didn't want to talk about. Was technically under orders not to talk about it. But Carlisle had said that speaking would help. Maybe, if she just left out the details? So Kiri wouldn't feel so alone. Just for Kiri. "I questioned someone... more than one someone... who were my superiors. And they hurt me. Pretty badly."

Kiri generally wanted people to like her. She felt bad when bad things happened to people but not so much on an emotional level as she felt she should feel bad. Right now though she had a flood of empathy, already she could relate to Peers but now there was this as well. Placing her hands in her lap Kiri shivered, "I'm sorry." Her face dropping a little and eyes cast down.

"I don't like to- it's not public knowledge." Lilou shifted uncomfortably. "I'm supposed to talk about it eventually. In detail. That's what Carlisle says. We're not there yet. I don't really want to be. But- anyway. The breathing thing helps me. When it becomes too much. It seems to be."

Kiri hadn't really made that much progress with any of the counsellors since Brayden left. It was easier to talk to Maenad and Peers than it was to them. Without thinking she took her own deep breath, "It's not fair." Her voice was starting to break, she didn't want to spoil this talk but she could feel herself shaking apart inside.

"What isn't?"

"Things like those, happening to good people," Rolling her hands in each other she looked up, "Why would anyone hurt you unless they were horrible?" It wasn't really a question, "Or me. It's horrible." Sucking back a sob she slowly let out a breath.

Lilou looked at Kiri's hands, then her face. Without a second thought, she wrapped her hand over Kiri's and held it there in Solidarity. She'd spent enough time rolling and winding her hands to know the impulse behind it. It was either stillness in solidarity, or Lilou would slide back into her own hand-churning, and wouldn't that be a ridiculous sight? "Yes," she agreed quietly. "It is." Although Lilou had come through time to find her own reactions to the event more horrible than what had actually happened in a way. They'd beaten her, yes, and tried to do more, yes, but when the smoke had cleared and her bones had healed and the physical scars had been erased, the men who had hurt her had probably forgotten about her. Moved on. While she'd been stubbornly stuck in place from that point on, unable to budge. Partially because of the assault. Partially because she'd been held, silenced, and had her spirit broken in the aftermath of it. It didn't matter. She squeezed Kiri's hands gently. "We can't control other people," she said softly. "All we can do is try to manage ourselves."

Hands again, more than last time. They were slightly warmer than Kiri's own, it was nice to have someone hold them. A bedraggled numbness settled, her brain caught between remembering and running away. Deep breaths were automatic when it came to trying not to cry, looking at the hands didn't help. Looking up and meeting Peer's eyes settled her into just shock though. Being like this with someone. Her ship bad been broken into, her lab. She had been held closely and roughly by men that were going to kill her. They'd pushed her, hit her and dragged her, she'd been shot at. She'd seen someone else die in front of her, she'd be running away from it ever since Cyrus had left her alone in her room. Alone in the dark with no one else to talk to.

Lilou remained still and steady, meeting Kiri's gaze for as long as she needed it. Somehow it was easier to be strong for Kiri than it was to be strong for herself. She couldn't read minds, she didn't know what Kiri needed and wasn't ignorant enough to think that it would be remotely the same as what Lilou - herself - required in situations like this. However similar the symptoms, the causes were not the same. All she did know was that people telling her to be calm when she wanted to and couldn't be only pissed her off, so she said nothing. Kiri would work through what she was dealing with or she would ask for help because she could and Lilou was there. She didn't need to say that she was there. Kiri wasn't blind. Just scared. She had a right to be. Lilou couldn't really tell her she was safe, either, because... well. Lilou hardly ever felt safe herself.

They weren't on duty. Kiri could feel something welling up inside her, she needed to do something about it. Green eyes on grey-blue her vision started to get a little blurry. She was going to cry, she didn't want to cry, not over this. They were holding hands and looking down she reminded herself of that, then an awkward question. If she had been at home it would have taken nothing more than a look and her mother would know what to do. Here though, with Lilou, a very shaky voice spoke out, "Cou, could we, sorry, but," She'd started but Kiri had never asked someone this before, "I mean, is it okay if we, can I, have a hug?"

Lilou disengaged her hand and wrapped her arms around Kiri from the side, resting her chin on Kiri's shoulder, and holding on. "It's okay any time."

Kiri did the same, finding it slightly odd that she was the taller of the two if only by two inches. Clenching her eyes shut she placed her arms loosely around the middle of Lilou's back. It didn't make sense that it made her feel so much better. That all the effort she was putting in to getting close to someone, paid off in part because something horrible had happened. In a small whisper Kiri sounded distant, "Thank you." The matter of what had happened was starting to drift away now. Replaced with the feeling of how lonely she had been for years, something she had buried deep.

"No need," Lilou answered quietly and settled her chin a little more firmly on Kiri's shoulder. "Thank you for asking," she added. "But next time, you can just grab on, okay?"

This was new but not unwelcome, it was serving to make Kiri nervous though. Tightening her own grip slightly she nodded her head into Lilou's shoulder, "Are you sure?" The offer of physical contact whenever she wanted it was new, scary and extremely welcome.

"I like hugs, too," the engineer said. "I don't think I'll worry if it's you." She leaned back a little, "But if I jump or anything, it's a reaction, not to you, just... I like to know where people are. And who's likely to come into my space. I'll put you in the 'okay' folder." She returned to the hug.

Kiri had been trained all childhood to enter rooms carefully. To make sure the other person was aware you were there before entering. That extended to when she was talking to people as well. She didn't even consider hugging someone unannounced. Nervously she answered, "Personnel go in magnolia folders," It wasn't even remotely a good joke. But that was something people that were friends did right? Kiri had barely thought at all about Lilou being in her personal space. A space that was now wide enough to fill entire rooms with strangers around. Now there was someone right inside, all the bad things seemed to slip away, back to being buried.

Lilou snorted, "Right. They do." She closed her eyes and breathed for a little while. "I'm glad you're here."

"You are?" Kiri had asked for them to have dinner together, she had thought that she was the one that needed company before. Then she had learnt a little bit about what Lilou suffered from. Still this was big news, something that needed to be in black and white. There was someone that was glad she was there over anyone one else they knew?

"Very," Lilou answered.

"Thank you," Kiri whispered, "I really like you." Now she had started the hug she didn't want to let go. When was the right time, should it be sooner, later? What would Lilou want? Someone she had only talked to a little bit was now really her best friend on the ship. Tea, shuttle repairs and worry.

Lilou exhaled. It wasn't a totally off the wall assertion considering the hug and the sharing, but the statement still took her by surprise. Words. Everyone defined them differently. Personally. Lamar wanted her to have a title so she wouldn't see anyone else. She wanted him not to so that he could be happy however he chose. Stone and she spoke very different versions of the same exact language. She empathized with Kiri, and wanted her well and safe, and had taken a part of that on as her responsibility. But being around Kiri didn't make her happy. It made her think, hard, about what had happened to her and how she was handling it. It made her feel as though she were staring at a mirror image of her own insecurities, a little wobbly. Reflective. Not good. Not bad, either, just... She didn't know what. Whatever it was, it was a 'feeling' of some kind. Unnamed. Not 'like'. Not 'dislike'. Just... something amorphous. She could easily have fallen asleep right there.

There was more than enough time for her to do so. Kiri remained completely still, someone else was half supporting her. She was warm, soft, alive, if she tried hard she could almost feel a heartbeat. It felt safe and it felt loved. With her eyes closed time didn't really exist. After several minutes had done Kiri finally realised that they had to stop sometime, that maybe she was being selfish. Slowly she started to let go and take a step back, it felt like she was forcing herself to do so though. To have someone beside her was the thing she wanted more than anything else.

[TBC]
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ENS Lilou Peers
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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