A Home (Part 1)

Posted on 01 Feb 2013 @ 7:30pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho

3,742 words; about a 19 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 3, Cho's Quarters
Timeline: MD-1 1800

[ON]

Kiri had made an effort, more so than last time. On some of the empty shelves were pebbles and glassy stones she had gathered with Athlen at the beach before. On the coffee table sat a small bowl with a silvery crystal floating in it, white flames licking up every few seconds. To her it was more interesting than a candle, it showed she was trying. She was, Kiri had even put a dress on. Red with golden bamboo shoots growing up it, hugging her body it suited her but wasn't quite traditional. Rather than the split bottom it was solid and ruffled, covering her legs right down to the bottom where a pair of golden socks and slippers did there rest. Her arms were the only part other than her face on display but her spots were all covered.

Hair was pinned up and held into place with a golden pin, red ribbons hanging from it. Dressed up like this Kiri felt like a doll but last time Maenad had done it, so it was proper for them right? Fussing with the angle of the picture on the wall she waited for the door to chime.

Feeling dull and depressed, without really knowing why, Maenad trudged herself down to Kiri's quarters. Her head was down, watching her feet move one ahead of the other, one by one, in no rush at all. If she were wearing pants and not her tights and white with black polka dot skirt, she would have had her hands deep in her pockets. As she neared Kiri's quarters, she rolled the up the sleeves of her also black blouse and then sounded the chime.

Bounding to the door Kiri took a moment to brush down her dress and pressed the control. Maenad was dressed the same as last time, somehow that made her more comfortable. Smiling Kiri looked much more lively though some of that was still pretend, "Hello."

Kiri at the door in her beautiful dress caught her off-guard. Maenad, on the other hand, looked sullen, the same as she always did. She should have dressed up too; she just wore her favourite skirt thinking this was something casual. She had never seen Kiri wear anything else but her uniform, on the ship at least. And the ribbons in her hair. A bright smile washed over her. "Kiri, look at you," she said, looking her up and down.

Smiling Kiri almost laughed, "Thank you, I thought I should try, is it okay?" Kiri generally stuck to what she felt comfortable with but this wasn't unpleasant. Moving aside to let her friend in she almost breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, it's great," Maenad said, still looking at her. "I never get to see you in that uniform," she explained, moving inside. "It is very becoming on you. And I like your ribbons." She kept forgetting that Kiri was Chinese until these little reminders kept popping up.

That prompted a a blush, this time a much quieter answer, "Thank you." Not really sure how she felt about that Kiri fidgeted for a moment before straightening back up, "How have you been today?" It almost sounded natural, it helped she'd been practising in the mirror what she would say.

"Oh, fine, I suppose," Maenad said. She had had a pretty neutral day, in fact. She noticed that Kiri's quarters had changed since the last time she'd been in here. She had some strange, but nice, looking candles and some decorations. Pleased, Kiri even had a few things on her walls, including the painting she had given her. "You? How are you?"

"Not bad," The number of people that had come to talk to her, that seemed to care made her feel warm. That she had people that even if she didn't know very well cared about how she was, it helped. It wasn't something she wanted to focus on, at least not yet. She also remembered there she should have said something, "You look nice too."

Maenad tilted her head at that, playfully sarcastic. "Please," she grinned. "This old thing?" she lifted the fabric of her skirt a little before letting it go. She looked the same as she always did. "May I sit down?" she asked, moving closer to the couch.

"Of course, would you like anything?" Kiri motioned towards the sofa and smiled again.

"Only if you're having something," she said, taking a seat and crossing her legs. "I'm not really hungry."

"Okay," Kiri wasn't really sure for herself, taking a seat on the other edge of the small sofa she smiled. Now there was a matter of talking about something, "Do you have any plans for Ms Saalm's training?"

Smiling at that, Nesh was a pleasant if annoying little monster, Maenad played with her fingers in her lap. "I don't really know yet. She's an artist, you know. I've seen some of her drawings and I was legitimately impressed by them; I don't want to make her do work that she finds uninteresting, or too challenging." Nesh's reasons for being here, her troubles at home and poor judgement in men (boys?), was her business. Maenad didn't think it would be fair to retell all that Nesh had told her. "I'll have have her do busywork for a little while, so she can get a feel for life on a starship. Delivering reports, organising, helping around the arboretum, maybe do some inventory. When I find out what Pendleton's doing, perhaps he'll be able to use her as well. You as well, Kiri; if you think she can help you with anything, but nothing too difficult, then I would like for you ask for her."

"I have taught her a little about data entry and organising inventory lists, as well as some of the functions of the ships computer." Kiri watched Maenad attentively, "But how old is she?"

"Fifteen." Remembering herself at fifteen, Maenad shook her head with a smile. If someone had told her she would be on a starship as a chief science officer, she never would have believed it.

"Shouldn't she still be taking schooling?" The ship didn't have very many civilians that weren't staff, there were only two children now and no teachers. While you could go to the Academy at Fifteen it was still schooling and learning.

"That's between Nesh and the captain," Maenad said. "But, I think she's already been conditionally accepted to the Jmhari Institute on Trill. She might be done with schooling, I don't know.

Kiri had gotten a provisional scholarship when she was thirteen but that had only gotten her to work harder not do less. The fact she was going to Trill though, that was starting to become a theme. Concerned she looked down, "I see," Straightening herself up, "Do you think its safe to have children on the ship?"

Unsure of how to answer that, Maenad opened her mouth, but stopped herself. Pressing her lips, she had to choose her words carefully. Philosophically, Maenad didn't think it was a good idea to raise children on a starship and she resented parents who did. To her, dragging a child through space was predisposing it to carry out a function that they might not have otherwise chosen. It wasn't fair for a child to come into a life of work. In order for a child to be healthy, it had to grow up on a planet; it had to interact and play with other children, see the sky, see the stars, breathe real air, be rained on, know what it meant to be too hot or too cold, and wander along beaches and through woods, play with animals, get dirty, get hurt.

But Nesh was no longer a child. She was in that part of her life where she wasn't quite anything while being expected of everything. Nesh was where boundaries were hard to define; she should go to school, should she not? Ought she be able to choose what do in her spare time? Her friends? Her bedtime? How many rules were too many, or too few? Based on her own experiences with her thus far, Maenad thought Nesh to be smart but still a little childish. With a sigh, Maenad didn't miss being fifteen. "I think that children are best raised among other children, and with parents who love them very much," she said finally, staring at the flickering candle-like thing on the coffee table. The answer was cryptic, for sure, but it was as truthful as Maenad could be without being critical.

Kiri nodded, that was for the best. She had had one of those things, parents that loved her. She'd known what it was like to be hot, cold, rained on, walking where ever she wanted, gotten lost. There was never a point where she was really a child though, she didn't play with them. Inside she worked, outside she was alone most of the time. Acting the way she felt she should didn't leave time to be childish. At the same time, she was very childish in her own ways. Then there were other thoughts, one day she wanted to be a captain. She wanted to see starts, didn't she want children? She should want children, it was a biological imperative that she should. Yet would that mean dragging them around space? Leaving them somewhere anyway from her, that seemed crueller. Which did she want? "Do you want children one day?" Each time her head moved the ribbons flicked a little.

That was a good question, one that Maenad was not expecting. She visually stuttered a bit, something she rarely did, and switched one crossed leg for the other. Her mother asked her that question every single time they spoke: when was she going to have kids? Was she going to deliver a grandchild that her parents could spoil? There was never an easy way to tell your parents that nobody loved you, or that you were too shrewd or pedantic to be tolerated by those who could have. She remembered to a point many years ago; Richard, the only man who'd ever made her think of children, had gone to to Egypt and fell in love with a woman many times the charm and beauty of hers. But, she didn't want to think about that right now. Not ever.

Maenad raised her head from the flickering light, still picking at the cuticles on her fingers, and looked at Kiri. She smiled a bit, thinking the ribbons were a really a nice touch in Kiri's hair. "I try not to think about it," was all she said. "What about you?"

"I think I will," Kiri peered at Maenad's hand, "I shouldn't wait too long but," She sighed looking at her own hands, "It sort of takes a partner." Kiri hadn't even had a chat with a boy about anything remotely like that let alone consider having children with him. That was rather depressing but no one was putting pressure on her to do so. Her parents had adopted her when they were only slightly older than she was. Adopting might be nice but Kiri wanted to have her own genetics passed on, at least to someone.

"Yes, that does take a partner," she smiled at the obvious. "But you're still very young; you don't even need to think about that right now." On the other hand, Maenad did. If she wanted to have a child she would need to find someone, fall in love with him, and then gather up the courage to allow herself to become pregnant all within the next ten years. Being a very static person, this truth frightened her.

Kiri understood that point but to her there was another pressure, "I don't exactly know how I would meet other Trill." Short of going there what were the chances that she would find someone she liked and liked her? Going there, well maybe she wouldn't fit in. It would be scary and she'd be shy so how would she manage to meet new people? Plus she didn't exactly have a track record.

Maenad narrowed her eyes. Sexual desire was free of discrimination; one couldn't help what excited them and what didn't, but to her that sounded, well, xenophobic and, yes, even a little racist. "Why must you be with a Trill?" she asked her carefully, still looking at the flickering light on the table. She was fully aware that Trills needed to pass on their symbiont, but it had nothing to do with mating.

Looking rather confused she answered, "I'm Trill, shouldn't I have children with a Trill?" Kiri was aware that there were several species that Trill could have children with. However wouldn't they be even worse than her? Trapped between two identities yet not being part of either? Kiri was a Human that looked Trill but she didn't fit into either worlds, not properly. At least that was how she felt.

Maenad's mouth opened in shock and finally she met Kiri's eyes. After several blinks, she found the ability to speak. Her assistant chief was either xenophobic or truly this ignorant of biology. She didn't know which was worse. "Kiri, thinking like that will get you nowhere," she said. "Trill are compatible with many species, humans included. Find someone you love first and worry about children later. I guarantee you that chasing men for the expressed purpose of having a child with them will send them running to the hills, especially at your age," she looked and sounded serious, maybe a little impatient. "Love should always precede pregnancy, Kiri." She shook her head, still in disbelief. "So, no, you do not have to go to Trill to find a mate," but then she shrugged as her thoughts continued rambling. "I mean, if you're only attracted to Trill, then maybe you should go there, I don't know. You know your tastes better than anyone else."

"I," Kiri looked more confused, "I know, just. I know about love, just, I think my children would have a better chance of being happy with a Trill father." Kiri was starting to feel guilty from Maenad's reaction what what she had said. Then rather surprised at the other part of what was said she added, "Do males really not want children?"

Outright deflating, Maenad sunk backward into the cushions. "Sure they do, but men aren't usually thinking about having children at twenty-two and neither are most women. Having a child is the biggest commitment a person can make," she said, looking across the room into blurred vision. "And most young people want to explore with multiple partners before they make their decision," she explained. She hadn't realised just how disconnected Kiri truly was. She turned her head to look at the young woman next to her. "Your parents aren't Trill and they still love you, Kiri," she sighed, "And, I hope, you love them just the same as you would if you'd had a different mother and father."

That wasn't what she meant, of course she would love her children, it wasn't about her. "I love my parents, I meant. I want my children to fit in somewhere," There was another part that concerned her. Kiri knew full well that some people seemed to have multiple partners but she wasn't really comfortable with that idea at all. Her idea of romance was the one out of books and polite films. True love would just sweep its wings around her and that would be that, right? "I don't want multiple partners."

This conversation was starting to burst at the seams. At least for Maenad it was. She looked at the damage she'd done to the sides of her nails. One was bleeding a little bit, but it didn't hurt. She wiped the finger on her her blouse naturally and without drawing any thought or attention. "Well, Kiri," she breathed, "that may be wishful thinking. Very rarely does anyone wind up spending their entire life with their first date. In fact, I don't know that anyone does. Thinking that way will only wind up getting you hurt. A lot of the time when you think you know someone, you don't really know them until you become part of each other's lives. And sometimes that what it takes to realise that you're not meant for each other," Maenad stared off again, narrowed eyes. "Love is tragic," she mumbled.

To Kiri this was a rather unpleasant revelation, to her love wasn't tragic it was something wonderful, she just didn't have it. "I wouldn't date them unless I knew them very well," She wasn't quiet sure where the negative part came in. Kiri had exactly zero experience with dating though so she didn't actually know what went into it.

"Sometimes it's not that easy," Maenad replied, trying not to get anymore unsettled than she already was. Kiri really didn't have a clue and all this talk was making her feel exceptionally old, like she were telling her little daughter the woes of attraction. "It's an excellent idea in theory, Kiri. I admire that you still have it. But," she bit her lip, trying to find the words. "In practice, dating those you really know would mean dating your friends. And sometimes, a lot of the time actually, by the time you become friends with someone, well, it's too late to start dating them. They see you as a friend and not as a romantic partner, or even a potential mate."

"Oh," Kiri spoke as if part of her reality had unfurled, "But, I don't want, I mean. How can I like someone if I don't know them?" The idea of meeting someone with solely the idea of a romantic plan seemed very dubious to her. So how could it be both ways?

I don't know, Maenad screamed in her head. "Well," she started, her eyes still narrowed, "You just know." She licked her lips and sighed through her nose. "You meet someone, they look at you a certain way, you look at them; they give you butterflies, mess up your thinking so you can't speak properly, make you smile and blush, really make you feel like an idiot - but in a good way. You find them attractive, and it's almost always an attractive that you never thought you would have. You'll like black hair, but this person will have blonde hair, or maybe funny teeth, or a freckle, or some strange quirk." She raised her fingers to her mouth and plucked her lip. "Normally, and don't ask me why, the male will ask the female to spend time with him, in order to get to know one another. Usually dinner, a walk, a coffee - I don't know. Something really mundane, or something that two of you can do, even if it seems pointless as a subject by itself. If it's not awkward and the of you get along," she flashed her palms, "then you do it again. After a few times, depending on how you're feeling toward each other, he might kiss you and you might let him. Sometimes," Maenad remembered to her own stupidity, "you won't let him kiss you even though you want him to because you want to see if he likes you enough to try again." She let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. "It's very complicated."

Giving a puzzled look Kiri fell silent. That was indeed complex, and somehow strangely specific. Talking to most people made Kiri feel like an idiot. There were also several males that she had eaten meals with, even one she had taken a walk with but did any of them feel like that kind of relationship? No. Fidgeting and looking at her knees Kiri looked rather crestfallen. She had hoped that it wasn't so complex, even then it seemed hard to her. With all these rules and things, how on earth was she ever going to find anyone? There were rumours that lots of people on the ship were finding partners, yet she hadn't exactly had anyone interested in her. There was Theron but he was just her friend right? Its not like he had actually shown any interest. She didn't feel there was something that made her want to be with him other than being lonely. That wasn't a good reason.

Finally she spoke up, "Oh." That was it, what else could she say to all that. It was rather depressing really. Why couldn't it just be something simple? Why couldn't she get comfortable with someone and then think about those sorts of things?

Finally, Maenad smiled. She wanted a cigarette. And a drink, or two. She hadn't smoked in weeks. "Kiri, don't be so down. This isn't anything you can rush. When the time is right for you, you will know. You won't need to ask and you won't second guess yourself. If you're second guessing your feelings, then chances are it's not the time. You are very young and very beautiful and, I'm sure, eventually you'll look back on this conversation and laugh."

Kiri forced a smile, their talk seemed to be off to a bad start really. It was never her intention to talk about these sorts of things. For now she just wanted to forget about them. "Thank you," Again she blushed, it was nice being told that. Still she let out a small sigh she stood up, "I know, it would just be nice." Shaking her head the ribbons whirled around, "Would you like anything?"

"Uhm," Maenad breathed, "I have time for a cup of tea," she said to herself. "Earl Grey, yes please," she smiled. "And maybe some shortbread cookies."

Moving to the replicator Kiri made the requests, and returned with several short bread fingers on a tray. Maenad's tea on one side and a warm cup of lime juice on the other. Setting it down on the table Kiri forced another smile, still trying not to think about the previous topic, "I found out I was telepathic." That was news right?

[TBC]

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Lieutenant (JG) Maenad Panne
Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

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