Thank You

Posted on 20 Jan 2013 @ 7:17pm by Lieutenant Lilou Zaren & Lieutenant Commander Pola Ni Dhuinn M.D.

2,392 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo: Deck 4, Sickbay
Timeline: MD -02: 1610hrs

[ON]

Lilou wiped the sweat from her brow, resting her shoulder against the wall of Quinn's office. Her office. No. Still Quinn's. She could almost imagine she could smell him in here; he belonged in this room, overseeing the ship. The fact that he wanted her to be here didn't change that. Not from her perspective. Pushing herself away from the wall, she stretched her arms over her head and bent backwards, then folded out and forwards, hugging her knees.

Sitting on the floor was getting tiresome, but it made her feel a lot less like a usurper and that was enough reason to keep it up. She was exhausted and technically off-duty, although that meant little to her these days. There were still a million tiny, apparently insignificant things that she hadn't cross-checked yet that could potentially put all of them in danger. There wasn't room to relax or rest. As she listened to the casual greetings between the other engineers outside of the office on the shift change, Lilou grabbed her bottle of water and sank to the floor with her PADD, opening her personal to-do list.

Apologize to Lamar. Check.
Make yourself talk to the Chief. Check.
Learn to take care of yourself for the good of the ship. Check. Ish.

She frowned at the last one. She'd taken a step, talking to Carlisle, but she wasn't fixed. If she were a wire, she sure as hell wouldn't hook herself up to any conduit. But she was trying. At the very least, they couldn't court-martial her for negligence. She started to go on to the next on the list, then paused, going back. Maybe not quite. Well... With a sound that was half grumble and half sigh, she dragged herself to her feet again, clipped the PADD to her belt, and slipped out the door with a wave to Slak.

He nodded to her and went back to monitoring the console. Sometimes it was all she could do not to just kiss him for being so blessedly easy to be around. Not remotely socially demanding. Maybe there was some kind of commendation for that. She'd have to look.

Locking her hands at her lower back, she clipped down the corridor and took the turbolift to deck four. She didn't like sickbay. No. She didn't like the idea of sickbay. Not even that. She didn't like her memories of a completely different sickbay. That was better. Still, she'd been unfair to the CMO when she'd been in last and had flat out refused to be seen after the events of the previous mission. She owed the woman an apology, if nothing else. She hadn't been thinking clearly through any of it. She wasn't entirely sure she was now, but she was trying. Try, try, try. She ducked her head as she stepped inside, studiously avoiding eye contact from the other medical officers on her way to the CMO's office, where she rang the chime.

Still on a high from the night before, Pola fiddled with the end of her french plait as she stared mindlessly at the monitor infront of her. She was still trying to figure out precisely had she could ease back on this Cyrus addiction she seemed to have developed but she always did have a sweet tooth.

Laughing to herself, she looked up as she heard the chime, the twinkle still in her eye and a smile still shadowing her lips. "Enter."

Lilou ducked into the office, the carefully worded apology in her head disintegrating as she saw the happy expression on the woman's face. She'd never seen the CMO looking that... cheerful. Kind, yes. Concerned. Not... blissed. What drug are you on? she wondered, blinking at Pola quizzically. And where do I get some?

Watching as Lilou entered her office, Pola moved her chair back slightly as her smile extended to the woman. "Lilou! I didn't expect to see you, I didn't think that we had an appointment scheduled. Is everything ok?"

Okay. Lilou tugged her ear. She was pretty sure she didn't deserve a greeting that... smiley. "We didn't. It is. It will be. Is this an okay time?"

Watching the woman's almost nervous like twitching, Pola indicated the chair infront of her desk. "Of course. I can always make time for you. What's wrong?" She knew that she was getting a little quickly to the point but Lilou's almost stammered sentences gave her cause for worry.

"I'm sorry." The words almost had a life of their own, climbing out of her throat like an alien and birthing themselves into the room. She didn't have time to sit down. Sitting, doing anything but standing there and saying what she'd come to say, would be too much. "I'm sorry about... everything, really. I've been a mess and- I took it out on you, I shouldn't have, you were just doing your job, more than, and then - after everything - I've never been good at reading social cues. I don't know why. But I feel like I might have - offended you in some way - after the- you know, everything. I've been thinking about it and I realized you wanted solitude and I was- blind or selfish - I can't really remember, but I'm sure either way that I was wrong. I know that, too. You lost friends and colleagues in the attack, the same as I did, the same as we all did, but it's hard for me to see past grief. And fear. Both of those are like blinders. I just wanted to say-" she swallowed hard. Spirits, she was rambling and she could feel her cheeks growing hot and the tears building up behind her eyes just from the sheer mortification of admitting faults in front of another sentient creature, but she had to muscle through this. She'd made up her mind. "I just wanted to say that I apologize. And that we owe you a great debt. And that I don't blame you for anything, because Will would have died from that attack whether you'd been there or not and so would-" She flexed her hands at her sides, "Just that you're doing an excellent job as CMO, sir, and I hope to do as good a job with my department as you have. Sir." She bowed her head.

Blinking, Pola found herself trying to follow what Lilou was saying and trying to pick out the most important parts. "Woah now Lilou...take a deep breath there before you pass out on me. You're referring to the time in the science room last mission and how upset I was at everything which was going on?"

"And the time before that," she agreed, forcing herself to be rigorously honest with herself. "When you were trying to help me after my fall. I reacted poorly."

Looking again at the chair infront of her, Pola again gestured for Lilou to take a seat. "Ok...let's tackle one thing at a time. The past it the past Lilou. I learn very quickly in this job to not hold grudges towards people's actions here in sickbay. People pulling phasers, people refusing treatment when its obvious how badly hurt they are...it's all part of the job. I don't judge a person on it and I definitely don't judge you. You were scared, it's understandable."

"I appreciate that," Lilou said softly. "But your understanding does not preclude my need to make amends." She looked at the chair, then back at Pola. "I was scared, yes, but not of you. Not specifically. My behaviour has not been optimal for some time and I am making a sincere effort to overcome these... reactions. Grudge or no, will you accept my apology?"

Watching as the woman stood standing, Pola didn't even hesitate without giving an answer. "Apology accepted, Lilou."

"Thank you." Lilou let out a long breath of relief; she breathed out for so long in fact that it looked as though she were a balloon deflating. "Can I ask you a question?" She paused, "It's... something that's been bothering me. I don't think Quinn would tell me, but I believe that you will be honest with me. If I'd done it differently, would he have kept his arm?"

Blinking, of every question Lilou could have possible asking, that's one which Pola could honestly say she didn't see coming. "You mean when you saved him? No...His arm had been too badly damaged up to the point for anyone to have been able to save it. If you hadn't rescued him the way in which you did, he would have died Lilou. If he'd been exposed to the radiation any longer no treatment would have been able to bring him back."

She searched Pola's face for signs of deception, but found none. Bowing her head, pressing her lips together. "All this time... I've been feeling like I stole his chair. Like... there had to have been some other way to get him out, so that he could have kept it, stayed Chief. I mean my Chief. Not..." She sighed. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "Thank you, for telling me." She looked up again, "You looked so happy when I came in, I'm afraid I'm killing the mood. I should-" She looked towards the door. "Be happy again, all right, Lieutenant? It looks good on you."

Still feeling a little shell shocked, Pola tried to figure out what was going on here as the woman moved away. Lilou blamed herself for Quinn? But the woman risked her life to safe the man. Some people wished they died rather than lost a limb but as far as Pola had seen, Quinn wasn't one of those people so why would Lilou think that way. "Wait..hold on. Lilou...why do I get the feeling that there is something more the matter here?"

"Because you're very perceptive," Lilou said simply. "I'm working on it, sir, I just... wanted to apologize. And to thank you for your patience."

Hesitant to push, Pola could already see a chance in Lilou compared to the nervous woman she'd met at that very first medical. She knew that changes happened in small baby steps and it even seemed that here today the engineer had take another step of sorts. "Lilou it's Pola...and you know anytime you want to talk, even just on the terms of being a friend, I am here."

Lilou blinked a couple times, ducking her chin to her chest. "I appreciate that," she answered. "Maybe... after I've had some time to think about this." She looked up, "I am glad to see you looking happy... Pola. You deserve a great deal." She pointed to the door, "I'm going to go now before I make too much of a idiot of myself. Okay." She took a breath, "Thank you again."

Pola forced herself to stay seated as she'd a sudden urge to give the woman a hug but was scared that it might just scare the woman away completely. "Take care Lilou." She didn't stop the woman again, recognising that the engineer might need some space and time to think.

Lilou stopped at the door, hesitating. "Pola- can I ask you one more thing?"

Looking up from the PADD she had just taken into her hand, Pola smiled softly at the prompt. "Of course." She'd given the woman the invitation to talk to her at any time, of course she hadn't thought it would be so quick.

"Have you-" She wrinkled her nose, "I haven't been sleeping, not well, since... well, not for a long time, really, but for the last two weeks, it's only been short cycles. My dreams keep waking me up, almost on a schedule. I don't suppose you have an idea about that?"

"Um..." Recking her mind, Pola started to wonder if she needed to start worrying about the number of patients who seemed to be needing sleeping medication recently. It was understandable after the last mission but it was also something she needed to keep an eye on. "Well medical wise I can certainly prescribe a mild sedative to aid you in getting to sleep. After that, I can only suggest you try relaxation techniques. Normally people are unable to sleep because they can't get their minds to switch off."

"Well, that's certainly true," Lilou said thoughtfully. "Would... could I try it? The sedative? Just for a couple days to see if it helps. I figure I should at least try to sleep more than thirty minutes at a time." Maybe getting on a schedule again, a real one, would help her. Carlisle was teaching her the breathing and relaxation techniques, but a little short-cut couldn't hurt.

Looking down at the PADD in her hand, Pola switched away from the article which she'd been reading and loaded up Lilou's file. "Um...this would be your first time on them. Can you call back in an hour to pick up the prescription? I'm going to have a look over your file to see which would suit and then I'll prescribe you something mild and none addictive to last you five days. If you've any issues or you feel they aren't working, come back to me and I can review to see if we can give you something else."

Lilou nodded quickly. "That's fine. Yes. Thanks." She flushed, "I guess I'm thanking you a lot today."

Pola found herself resisting the urge to give the woman a hug again. Instead her eyes lit up as she genuinely smiled at Lilou. "Lilou hun it's fine. Trust me, I'd tell you if it wasn't. You can thank me by coming to me if ever you need someone to talk to. Don't keep things which hurt to yourself anymore."

"I'll do my best," she answered. Talking was... a relief, not necessarily good, but she knew she shouldn't over-indulge in it. "You're very kind." She bit her lip and glanced to the side, "Right. Now I'm actually leaving you in peace. One hour. Have a good rest of your evening, sir," she said quickly and slipped out the door.

[OFF]

ENS Lilou Peers
Chief Engineering Officer
USS Galileo

LT CMDR Pola Ni Dhuinn
Chief Medical Officer
USS Galileo

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