Talk it through

Posted on 03 Jun 2017 @ 11:30pm by Ambassador Soral Varro & Commander Marisa Wyatt

2,341 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 15 - Emanation
Location: Starbase 234
Timeline: MD -32 2100 hours

ON:

Varro had found the observation lounge quite empty when he arrived. He sat now sipping an iced tea and looking out at the stars. Since the panic episode he'd had nightmares every night. He thought a lot about what had happened and what his brother had said, and what had happened on the Romulan ship.

He was startled from his thoughts by the hiss of the door. Varro turned to see Sandoval enter. He sighed. She'd tried to get in touch with him for a while now and he'd managed to avoid her up until this point.

"Hello Counselor."

"Hello, Soral. Mind if I join you?" Marisa said quietly. She smiled.

He gave a shrug. He knew that eventually she'd catch up to him. Eviess had told him that she'd talked to her about him, about Marcus. He'd been upset had probably said things that he shouldn't have. It was the first fight that they've had ever. "Have a seat counselor."

"Thank you." She chose a seat close enough for private conversation, but far enough away for him not to feel uncomfortable. "I notice you've been avoiding me." She might as well get straight to the point.

Varro smiled a little, "I guess I must be loosing my touch." He looked out the window. "Yes...I have been avoiding this conversation. Evie told me she spoke to you and about what."

"The best thing you can do is face the past and deal with it so you can move forward." Since they both knew why she was there, Marisa continued asking direct questions. "Then you won't have to avoid me, your brother, or Evie."

He sighed, "Marcus was a good man, we all have our faults..." He said trying to convince himself more then her.

Marisa met and held his gaze. "Vulcans should not lie--not even to themselves. We value truth. Altering the past because we find it difficult is illogical." She could see that he knew the truth but did not want to admit it. But lying about the past, about Marcus, was only hurting him, and keeping him from any kind of happiness.

Was he really doing that? "I owe Marcus a lot. He took me in when I had nothing, he took care of me even when I disappointed him." Which had seemed a lot. There were days when Marcus would be disappointed in something so small like a choice of clothing that ... He shook his head not wanting to think about it. "Marcus was an Admiral, he was highly respected."

"Remember all of it. The good and the bad." She watched him for a moment. "You are ignoring and even excusing his dark side because he took you in. No one is all good or all bad. You have to accept that Marcus had a cruel side. You left him for good reason. That doesn't mean you have to paint him black. It means you have to accept that you were right in leaving him and that you were not at fault for his death. It was a malfunction. It would have happened no matter what you and Marcus said or did. Accept that. Grieve for what might have been, but let go of the blame. All you are doing is punishing yourself for leaving an abusive relationship."

Varro stayed silent. He looked out the window. He was angry, he was confused, he was hurt, he felt...weak. She was getting through to him but part of him still fought. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.

Marisa sat quietly, watching his face as he processed what she said. "I'll do what I can to help you."

He looked at her. "Everyone wants to help." He was a bit angry actually. "It's always been poor Varro... I...I just don't know anymore. There are days that I do not know what to feel. I keep wondering..."

"What do you keep wondering?" she asked gently.

"What if I deserved how he treated me?" Varro said weakly. "I was young, and made mistakes, maybe I could have done something."

Marisa looked at him intently. "We all make mistakes. We all fall in love with people who don't love us back or, in your case, don't know how to love. Yes, you made mistakes, but you can't make a person behave the way you want. They make that choice. Marcus, for whatever reason, was abusive. He obviously knew it was wrong or he would have behaved the same way in public that he did in private. From what I've heard, he was a controlling man who resorted to violence when he got angry. That is NOT your fault. Nor was his death your fault. It was an accident. It would have happened regardless of your decision to leave. And it was the right decision. As much as you loved him, you should not have remained in an abusive relationship.

He stayed silent again, absorbing her words. He studied the stars a moment as they rushed by, as if their very light could bring some into his world of darkness. "May I ask you something?"

"Of course." Marisa was more than happy to answer any questions he had.

"What if I find someone who is like him again? I worry about that. I worry about ..." He worried about a lot of things.

"Then you turn to your friends for support and get out of the relationship. But since you know what to look for, you're likely to see the signs before you get in too deep." She smiled reassuringly. "You're far more likely to find someone decent."

Varro thought about it. "You have given me much to think about counselor."

"I hope it helps." She smiled warmly. "I'm always available if you need to talk."

Varro smiled one of his rare genuine smiles. "I will keep that in mind. In the mean time I better devote a little time to my Starfleet P P Program."

"What is your Starfleet P P Program?" Marisa asked, curious as she hadn't heard of such a program.

Varro brightened. His sullen mood seemed to lift. "It's a program I helped Admiral Thompson start. It's called Starfleet Pen Pal Program. It's where we have personnel sign up and then they are matched with a person whom is not known to them. A communications mail box is opened and anonymous letters are exchanged between the pen pals. You are not allowed to reveal your name or rank but you share your fears, thoughts, feelings, just how your day is going and it's a way to get to know someone, anonymously. Some people have issues talking to counselors, doctors, but if they speak with someone else someone they see as a friend whom they don't meet they can talk about their troubles get some objective advice and it helps those who are lonely and shy in the fleet." It had been a hard program to put together but once running it had been popular.

"Really? That sounds great, as long as it's carefully monitored so no one abuses it because they feel they are safe to do so." She'd seen people use anonymity to do cruel things. But if there was some sort of oversight in place, it would be a wonderful outlet. "Have you had much success with it?"

Varro smiled, "Very much. We have specific controls each applicant is screened and there are rules and regulations. The Admiral takes care of most of the running and oversight I just help out here and there now that it's running. We have more and more people applying everyday. I actually use it myself. If you'd like I can forward some information to you as well about the program." Varro felt very proud of this project he'd seen first hand how helpful it had been.

"Sure. I'm interested in it to see if it might benefit any of the people I work with." She liked the idea of being able to offer a safe and anonymous place to talk to someone.

"Wonderful. I shall make sure you get all the information," Varro said. He looked over at the counselor. "What about yourself? How have you been doing through all this?"

"To be honest, I really haven't given myself time to process it all. I know I have to at some point, but right now, it's easier to focus on others and put it off for later." She knew that what she was doing was in a similar vein to what he'd been doing for years and she grinned. "I know. I will deal with it as soon as this process is over. I'm making plans to take a few days off to help a friend with an archaeological dig. That will go a long way towards helping me center again."

"It's not an easy thing to process. If you wish to talk I offer my ear." He said.

"Thank you. For now, I want to get through the next few weeks. But I will always be able to contact you if I need to talk after that." She appreciated his concern and hoped that, regardless of how things turned out, she could keep in touch with him. He could become a good friend.

He gave a nod. "I should go. Eviess has been avoiding me since the Romulan ship incident and I fear our friendship has been damaged." He shook his head. "I should try and talk to her again."

"You should. She genuinely cares about you. Friendships like that are worth fighting for." Marisa smiled. "Good luck."

He looked uncomfortable. "Eviess and I...are complicated and I fear we've complicated things even more with the incident on the Romulan ship."

"Anything I can do to help?" she asked.

He paused for a long moment. "Perhaps. I could use the advice of a friend."

"I'll do what I can--as a friend."

"Eviess and I have always been close. We are what the Betazoids call Imzadi, what we Vulcan's call Soul Fire. In every way there is love between us but one."

Marisa nodded encouragingly.

"Everyone thinks I am immune to her feelings but I understand them. I helped her when she needed me and she formed an attachment, she was convinced it was Romantic love. For a while I was too." He sighed. This was not easy. "Back on the Romulan ship...there was a day when both of us were depressed, and not feeling well and we hit the bottom of the well."

Marisa had a good idea she knew what happened. "And then?"

"We ...well we wound up." He scratched the back of his neck in nervousness, "We wound up seeking comfort in one another."

"That's not necessarily a bad thing. If it helped both of you. But I take it there's more?"

He gave a nod, "It was not...what either of us were expecting. I do believe that neither of us could wait until the encounter...um ended. We talked about it and before you ask," he said smiling, "I've been a diplomat way too long to have said something foolish like 'that was a mistake.' I uttered no such thing." He really hadn't. "I let her take the lead and she said it, I didn't agree or disagree. We both decided that we did and do love one another but not that way."

Not what she'd expected. "Did you talk about it after?" That was an awkward way to phrase it.

"Well the problem is she's been avoiding me since the Chaka." Varro said.

Marisa ran a hand across the back of her neck. "Yeah, that makes it more difficult. You still need to talk. This won't be resolved for either of you until you do."

"Well I thought we did. She explained that it was...awkward for her and that while she loved me out encounter showed her she wasn't in love with me...I was relieved and we agreed to just be friends. Everything seemed fine even on the Chaka, then after my um...panic episode things were ok for a day or so but then she started avoiding me and when I tried to ask why she literally said 'I can't talk to you' and left."

"Have you considered that there's something else going on? Marisa asked. She wasn't sure what, but the behavior did tend to indicate that.

"But what," he asked. "I don't understand what could have gone wrong. I don't recall saying something or not saying something. She seemed fine..."

"So ask her. The only way to know what's going on and mend it is to ask." She was afraid that if he didn't, he would fret about it for a very long time.

"I have tried that's the problem. She literally turns in the opposite direction when she sees me. But it's not just me. She's been keeping to herself a lot. She has been sleeping late, not eating well I fear she is depressed." He really did.

"Do you want me to have a casual word with her? Just ask how she's doing?" Marisa asked. "Because I'm a little concerned about her now myself."

"I would appreciate that. She has never acted like this." He shrugged and then shook his head, "Even when she was at her worst she was Evie...now she seems like a shell. She looks haunted and pale. I suggested she go to the medical bay in one of our hallway run ins and she told me to mind my own business."

"I'll do what I can. I like her." She smiled encouragingly.

He smiled, "She is remarkable, has been through a lot." He sighed looking out the window at the stars. "Well I should go."

Marisa stood and walked over to Varro and gave him a hug. "Keep in touch. I'll let you know if I find out anything."

He smiled and hugged her back. "Thank you."

OFF

++++

Ambassador Soral Varro
Diplomat

&

Lieutenant JG Marisa Sandoval
Counselor

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