Replacements (Part 2)

Posted on 10 Nov 2012 @ 3:25am by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Commander Scarlet Blake

3,088 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: Episode 02 - Resupply
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 3, Counsellor's Office
Timeline: MD2 1600

[ON]

Scarlet tilted her head gently, noting the frown of concentration, smiling gently at her seeming to go quiet in thought. "What are you thinking?"

Trying to slip back into her contented mask Kiri wanted to shift from her straight seated position, to pull her knees up to her chest and hide under a blanket. Her voice soft she very gingerly asked, "Most people have their own definition of friends, don't they?"

"I think you're right, we all probably do," Scarlet nodded to her, thinking it over herself. "What's your definition?"

Kiri looked rather confused, "I don't really know." What she felt she should call a friend and what she wanted to call a friend were different. If she could really apply her own values then a friend would be someone she would really be able to trust and be open with. She had been making progress towards that but had a rather major setback. Her voice became very quiet, almost silencing herself, "I want them to understand me, that I can trust them, that they like me?"

"I'd agree, those are all important things in a friend," Scarlet said thoughtfully, considering it for a moment. "And to be able to give those things in return to them. I find that important too. I find it just as valuable to think I am giving that to others too," she paused on the musing, shaking her head lightly. "Increasing how much you mix with others would be a great start to actively creating friendships. Have you tried actively organising some events? Things to invite crew members to?"

Kiri looked more uncomfortable at that suggestion, "I will be running an optional departmental security training session in the near future." Other than that there wasn't much she could do, she wasn't that good at anything social. Meeting the other woman's eyes for the first time in a while she added, "I could give a lecture on something, like planetary identification, or sensor programming, I didn't think many people would be interested though."

Scarlet shook her head with a small smile, meeting her eyes as she leant forward to her, resting an arm on her knees. "I didn't mean work orientated. I meant social. Something fun, where people can just relax. That's how you will get to know people better. Perhaps you could organise a party, or a sit down meal. Or a holonovel adventure. Or a holo-walk. Or race, even a sports day or an inter department sports tournament. Something that people can let their hair down in, you included."

Looking away Kiri had feared things like that would be what she meant, "I don't think I can do any of those." Kiri barely knew how to relax as it was, let alone things that other people did to relax. She hadn't been to a party that would really count as one, or a meal with strangers. Holonovels were a mystery that she didn't really know anything about, using the holodeck for anything other than work was something she hadn't let herself do. Sports she barely the knew the first thing about, only what she was forced to do at school.

Scarlet watched her for a long moment, searching her features. If Kiri was so introverted that she felt so unable to socialise, then perhaps there really was more of a problem than just a question of friendships. She couldn't tell yet though whether it was more a 'can't' or 'won't' that her questions were being answered with, because they were two very different things with different connotations, and one was more serious, psychologically and in terms of therapy, than the other. She smiled gently, shaking her head, her eyes shining with warmth. "How do you know if you don't give it a go?"

Kiri felt exasperated, it didn't make sense to her. Physically she could but chances were it would fail, she would disappoint people and they wouldn't have fun. Of all the people on the ship, she was really the least qualified for all of those ideas, from her assumptions. Trying to keep calm and quiet she glanced at Scarlet but didn't meet her eyes, "I don't know anything about parties, or sports or holonovels, or what people like, or what other people find fun." If it was just for friends, maybe she would feel comfortable with the idea, but even that was a push.

"Then pick something you do know something about," Scarlet suggested, leaning to her, resting her hands on her own knees. "It doesn't matter what it is, so long as it is social, relaxed and there is space for people to be themselves and get to know each other. Friendships have to develop, with time spent together, for that trust you were talking about to build. But they also have to start somewhere, and you can't make those connections with people, to lead to friendships, unless you actively create opportunities to meet people in an environment where work can't get in the way."

This was the sort of thing Brayden had said, Kiri didn't like it then and she still didn't. The unknown and peril of failure made Kiri very away of how hard she found it and uncomfortable she was with making friends. What she wanted was to skip all that and just have people she liked like her. The problem right now was the same as before though, Kiri didn't have a social life. She didn't have any hobbies, she didn't have any skills that weren't work related. The ideas she put forward that she didn't know anything about, Scarlet had shot down. It was with reluctance she added, "I don't have any skills, that provide access to social events." She was stuck mostly because learning those things required her to take part in them, yet she would be required to lead them?

"Then start with something simple. Food or drinks are simple. Or music, or walking, those are things all people can organise" Scarlet suggested, watching her hands with a small smile. "Or perhaps it is the perfect chance to develop a new skill. Start small. Organise something smaller, with some people you already at least know, but maybe not so well, so you can all get to know each other better. Then, you can learn from it, and step up to perhaps having an open invitation to a later event."

Kiri didn't really understand why people would want to go to something that simple. Then there was something that nipped at her insides, if it was so simple, why had no one invited her to one? Taking a deep breath she couldn't conceal an uncomfortable look, "I'll see if I can." It was hardly something that infused her with passion. To organise something was fine. She struggled with her own emotions and social skills, now she was meant to be responsible for other peoples as well. It held the same apprehension as reaching into a tigers mouth to her. She would much rather not go anywhere near it.

Scarlet watched her for a long moment, taking a deep breath. "See if you can? The only thing that can stop you, is you," she pointed out gently, watching her. She smiled weakly, shaking her head. "This is one of those things you have to do for yourself, Kiri. Sometimes, when we want something, we have to go out and get it. And sometimes it's scary, and sometimes it's worrying, but no one else can do it for us. If we want it badly enough, we have to take a breath, and go for it. Or choose not to, and live without it."

Like a lot of things in this session, Kiri wasn't sure she could agree with that. She was trying, she was talking to people in ones, not in groups. Some of it was working, Kohl liked her, maybe some of the others did, she was doing things in her own way. Lessons with Mor'an, the training session with either Rice or Rhodes, more time with Kohl. It wasn't like she would be without for not doing it the way Scarlet was giving her. What she wanted was a better answer, not a different one that Kiri felt would be harder for her. To say that would be rude though, committing to it while not sure if she could carry it out would be lying. Kiri was risk adverse, it felt rude but the only words she could give came the same way as before, "I'll see, if it seems right."

Scarlet watched her, looking into her eyes for a long moment, taking in her expression, how she sat, her body language. She nodded gently. "It is in your hands, Kiri," she said softly.

Kiri nodded, she wasn't expecting anyone to do it for her. That would be nice though, not having to put all this work in for a return that was so random. A niggling thought that had been there the whole time now voiced itself, what if she put all that effort in, and nobody came? Her brains mental defences were working against her trying it, predicting an unknown pain. She was scared of rejection from just one person, something she was fighting against. It was something that she was only just learning to triumph with. Her short nails tapped against the cup in her hands for a few seconds before she looked up, trying to think of a topic. Silence wasn't something she wanted to languish in right now, it gave her too much time to think. Somehow she managed to stumble forward gingerly, "Do you know much about children?"

Scarlet smiled lightly with surprise at the change of subject before nodding to her, resting back to get more comfortable. "Yes. I have a daughter. Why do you ask?"

So far Mor'an and Kohl were the only people she had talked to about it, as far as she was aware, neither of them had children. Kiri had been told that Blake did, the only person Kiri actually knew that had a child. Trying to phrase it properly Kiri seemed to relax slightly, "I have a sister now, I don't really know anything about children."

Scarlet's smile softened at that, shaking her head gently. "I think it's fair to say you learn as you go along. You'll learn so much about her just by spending time with her, playing with her. Send her messages often, so she gets used to you, even while you are away."

"What should I say?" Kiri was much more interested in this topic, she didn't feel defensive about it. She didn't feel in conflict with anything, just learning how to be a better sister.

"Anything and everything," Scarlet laughed softly with that, meeting her eyes. "Her big sister is an adventurer out in the stars! She'll want to know all about what you do and what goes on. About the ship and the places you go. What's important is she'll get to know you through it, and you won't be a stranger when you return home."

"Okay," Kiri restricted a lot of her childhood, she spend a lot of it trying to avoid it. The people she looked up to back then were her grandmother and mother, not her peers. So it was a little strange to her that her sister would think of her that way. Kiri never had an absent relative or a distant friend until she was much older, so it was new. Leaning forwards slightly she enquired, "Is there anything else I could do?"

"Well, any little girl would enjoy a gift or two," she smiled playfully, shaking her head with a soft laugh. "Or a pretty dress, to remind her of her big sister. And singing. They usually love singing."

Gifts, that was a little more difficult, not impossible sending things across space all the way to earth could take quite a while. Singing was also hard, Kiri didn't know many English songs and she didn't think that Sarah knew Mandarin yet. Maybe that was something they could do, but would it be fun? Managing a small smile Kiri sat up properly, "Thank you."

Scarlet shook her head with a gentle smile, motioning with her hand that there was no need to thank her. "We're here whenever you need to talk. Whatever it is about. It's safe in here."

Now she was off the topic of herself, Kiri was comfortable, forgetting about the things that had been eating away at her on the way in. Now there was something else similar to her sister that was a personal question, first though, "You won't tell anyone?"

Scarlet shook her head gently, smiling as she held her eyes so she could see she was being honest with her. "I only ever have to talk about it if I feel there is a risk to you or someone else. And I don't think that about you at all, Kiri. You strike me a sensible young woman."

That was good, Kiri liked to think she was sensible, it was also good to think that she was not in any sort of trouble. The question that she was starting to worry about now was, "How can you tell if someone one is," She looked very uncomfortable at this, "Romantically interested in you?"

"Hm," Scarlet took a deep breath, straightening as she thought that over with a soft chuckle. "That is a difficult one, I must confess," she arched an eyebrow with an almost playful smile. "We can all struggle with it. Maybe the person pays more attention to you, goes out of their way to be around you more. They'll probably watch you quite a lot to, they won't be able to help but admire you now and then," she laughed softly at that. "Perhaps they do nice things for you, or asks you to spend more time alone with them. But sometimes? We just have to put our necks on the line and ask them. It can be a bit embarrassing if you get it wrong, but equally it can be rewarding if you get it right and it's what you want too."

"I see," Kiri took great care to absorb each word that was given to her, leading to a conclusion that she feel might be inevitable. It had been praying on her mind since her birthday, then dinner with him at his invitation. He wanted to spend time with her, he paid her attention and going out of his way for her every time. He told her that he found things about her admirable, that exact wording. Their time together had been time alone, so that meant all the signs were there, what should she do about it? Asking seemed out of the question, it barely even crossed her mind but if not that, then what?

Scarlet watched her expression, just taking it in, remaining silent for a long moment. "It can be confusing. And wires can get crossed," she admitted with a soft smile. "Trust me, if I understood romance completely, I'd have a ring on this finger. Sometimes all you can do is go with the flow and see where something leads."

It was a conflicting situation for Kiri, like so many others. While she wanted to have someone close to her, someone she could be physical with, the idea was almost abhorrent. Even more terrifying was the prospect of being intimate with someone, in a completely different place from hugs and comfort. There was also the matter that the person in question was quickly becoming her closest friend, "Seeming meeker again she looked deflated, "I don't think I can do anything."

"Then you don't have to," Scarlet assured with a small smile, shaking her head. "Those sort of things should only develop when you're ready."

That comforted her somewhat, that she didn't have to do anything. Yet, would she ever? So there was another question, one that she knew couldn't really be answered, "Will, I mean, how can I really tell?"

"You just have to rely on your instinct," Scarlet said, so softly it was almost a whisper. "You'll only really know you're ready when it doesn't feel quite as scary anymore. You just have to rely on your own judgement. It's surprising though, how good our instincts can be. They're there to protect us."

Kiri knew that, her instincts tried to protect her from everything, don't run, don't take risks, don't talk back, don't be rude, don't cry. Don't risk being close to anyone, don't trust anyone, don't leave your defences open. They had in part put her in this situation that threatened to make her cry when alone. They also made her do stupid things like two days ago, still most of the time they were defending her, being right or good, Kiri didn't know any more. Eyes closing for a moment she gave a very fake smile, "Thank you."

Scarlet gave a small smile in return. If there was one thing a counsellor could do, it was see through a fake smile. "All these things, they don't come instantly, Kiri. Sometimes, you have to take risks to prove to yourself that the world won't end whether it turns out right or not. One step at a time, and each time, the steps will get easier."

A little honesty wouldn't hurt, they were developing something akin to trust, sort of. Kiri wiggled her feet and smiled trying to look positive, "I'm not, very good at risks." Something she knew very well, yet it didn't really want or know how to solve, risks to her were bad, negative things. Good didn't really come into her view of them.

"Many people feel the same way," Scarlet replied with a shake of her head, looking down for a long moment. "We can work on that over our time together, if you want."

Kiri give a small real smile this time, that this would be the topic rather than how her social experience was going would be a positive. The time she had spent talking so far had allowed her to push the other problems to the back of her mind. They would come back, they would come back soon but for right now she was occupied, the underlying negative emotion remained though. Kiri still felt rather deflated.

[OFF]

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Ensign Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

Ensign Scarlet Blake
Counsellor
USS Galileo

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