Social Anxiety and Me

Posted on 07 Mar 2016 @ 10:58pm by Ensign Calvin Henderson & Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Edited on on 07 Mar 2016 @ 11:04pm

2,593 words; about a 13 minute read

Mission: Episode 10 - Symposium
Location: USS Galileo- Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 89: 0900

ON:

Calvin was just getting settled in and had an ever increasing list of things to do now and his mandatory new ship visit with the counselor was next. At least, he hoped he was going to make an appointment that would be weeks down the line he would ever so conveniently forget about. He stood there though on the other side of the door, waiting to press the chime and hoping he would be greeted by a receptionist who would quickly have him on his way. Taking that final deep breath to steady himself and gather some courage, he pressed the chime and hoped for no answer.

Dru looked up from the PADD which she held in one hand. The thumb of her other hand was firmly imbedded between her lips as the skin was now crinkled from the chewing the woman had done on it which trying to understand this recent study, the long term effects of space travel on relationships. She was curious because it was revelant to her own situtation but also relevant to the people with whom she worked with.

Sighing a little as she made one last notation, the heavily pregnant woman sat back in her chair before giving her full attention to the room door. "Enter."

"Erm, hi," Calvin began as he peeked his head through the door. "I was wondering if there was an available time at some point for an appointment type meeting...you know. Erm...I'm new," he babbled. "I was told everyone has to report in at first between here and medical at a convenient time that would suit both," poor Calvin wasn't the most eloquent when meeting someone new.

Dru found herself smiling at the man as she listened to him stammer. She wondered what it was about the new joiners to the crew and the nerve which they seemed to experience, "I'm free now if you would like to come in?"

"Oh, erm, if that is ok?" Calvin asked as he walked into the room a little further, if slightly hesitantly.

Moving to her feet carefully, Dru's hand pressed to her abdomen before her other hand indicated towards two chairs facing eachother. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Oh no thank you," Calvin replied, "I feel as if I should be asking you that though." He went to take a seat but was waiting for the counselor to sit down first. He still had his manners from his parents after all.

Dru smiled at the question as she took the glass of water on her desk over to her seat before sitting down and trying to make herself comfortable. "It's that obvious is it?"

"I didn't want to say outright Ma'am. But Astronomer, we notice the little things in the stars and I guess that transfers over to people as well," Calvin sat down as well, perching on the end of the seat, clasping his hands.

Dru had said the words as a joke, not quite expecting such a serious responce. Also she wasn't so little...if she hadn't had the scans to confirm it the woman might have thought that she was carrying twins. "You only recently joined ourselves if memory serves me correctly."

"Sorry, my attempts at being funny in a new situation rarely go down well. I'm much better when I get to know someone...I think," Calvin sheepishly admitted. "I only arrived yesterday," he said, looking at the floor and beginning to figit with his hands.

Dru watched as she tried to analyse if the man was nervous or agitated as his body language was signalling either as being a possibility right now. "How did you find your first day today?"

"It was about as good as first days could go I guess," Calvin replied relaxing a little. Talk of his work always seemed to do that. "There is an impressive astrometrical array on the ship. I may need some time to get acquainted with how accurate it actually is."

"What role have you been assigned onboard?" introductions hadn't occured between the people present so Dru figured that they may aswell start easily, allowing her to gather the simple facts which would allow her to pin down who it was she was speaking to.

"Astrometrics Officer," Calvin said, smiling more and letting his body relax.

"So that would make you..." Dru paused for a moment as her mind raked through the recent joiners but failed to come up with a name. "...I'm sorry. It seems that my mind is beginning to fail me."

"Science, Calvin Henderson, Ensign," he said, feeling panicked he forgot to introduce himself.

Dru laughed at the introduction as her hand moved across her abdomen. "Ok so science, Calvin Henderson, Ensign...do you mind if I just call you Calvin?"

"Please," he gave a relaxed sigh and his body followed his expression. " I have my PADD here with some previous records if you would like to see?" Calvin asked, fishing his PADD from his back pocket and presenting it.

Dru took the offered PADD but choose instead to set it to one side as she studied the man infront of her also. She seemed to flip and flop between confident and anxious, something which she made a mental note on. "Tell me abit about you Calvin...who is Calvin Henderson?"

"A kid on his first assignment, making a way in the world. Nothing overly special or exciting. Just a nice guy. Loving, caring, hopeful...helpful...stuff," Calvin gave a smile. He was used to that question, he had been used to counselors before asking it on their way to getting to the source of his anxieties and pressures. It didn't sound rehearsed or forced, just a natural explanation of himself.

Sadness tugged at Dru as she realised this boy was fresh off of the industrial line, so to speak. He was unmarred yet from what starfleet generally brought in the way of sacrifices and death. "What was it that made you want to join the ranks of starfleet?"

"I loved the stars in the night sky. Laying out. Making patterns, seeing shapes. I loved looking through a telescope when I was older, at all their differences...shapes, colours, sizes. I ended up wanting to see more, ones I couldn't see through a telescope. I wanted to visit them. I wanted to see the planets that surrounded them. Starfleet seemed the perfect place for me to achieve those goals."

"Tell me about your days in the academy, what was the experience like?" Dru shifted a little in her chair as she attempted to get to know Calvin a little better.

"It was mostly good. Good grades, good experiences. Made some really good friends. Nothing all that special or outstanding really about me I am afraid," the astronomer smiled. "Obviously excelled at Astronomy matters and science."

"It's beginning to sound like your life up to meeting myself has been very uneventful Calvin?" Dru smiled at the innocence which the man seemed to show, it was refreshing in some ways, dealing with a person undamaged by war or death or loss.

"Not so much," he laughed, "I've had my u-ups and downs l-like everyone else. My last counselor advised I try and forget about them. Put them be-hind me as it were. It got me in an awful state for a while. Resulting in this, what he says, social anxiety...I get a little nervous meeting new people and in big crowds. So, new ship won't exactly help to much. But I am coping. No panic attacks. No 'freak outs'," the young man smiled, quite innocently and hopeful that all he was describing wasn't a permanent fixture of his life.

As he spoke, Dru's hands moved to activate the PADD he had handed to her earlier, the counsellor's eyes moving briefly across the contained information as she tried to understand what he explained. "Outside of myself, have you met any other people in the crew as of yet?"

"Some of the command staff, my room mate. Senior officer or two," Calvin said. "Hopefully more over the next few days. I know most people will be over at the station or away on shore leave."

"How did you find yourself when you interacted with them? Did you find it difficult or do you feel that your anxiety interfered?" Dru winced slightly as she begun to realise that this was sounding like fifty questions.

"At times," he admitted quite openly, "Normally if people talk about work it gets ok. If it is just about me...I get a little...you know, nervous. It has helped everything has been on a one to one basis. No large groups or anything so far."

"With the end of shore leave approaching, the likely hood of you encountering large groups, such as briefings or simply entering the dining area, will increase. How do you feel that you will manage with that?" Sitting back into her chair, Dru's fingers gently stroked her abdomen."

"I think if I know people I should be ok. A familiar face. I know my signs of panic though to remove myself from the situation if I can. Usually if it is work related, that is enough of a distraction to realise people aren't there. I just wish this whole anxiety thing wouldn't be here anymore." There was a deeply regretful tone to his voice.

"What kind of coping mechanisms have you developed to help once you feel the anxiety starting? Beyond looking for a familiar face that is?" Dru replied lightly as she tried to put the officer at ease.

"My last counselor had me ground myself. Take notice of my breath. Stop and take stock of what I think is setting me into a panic. Look for the empty spaces in a room, see that there is space to move around. Even things like counting my fingers he had me try," Calvin admitted. As he looked up, feeling slightly teary. It had been so long since he had freely admitted he felt this way to someone. He successfully blinked any outward emotion back.

Dru could see the sheen in the man's eyes, before he blinked it away, as she felt her heart break a little for him. It was obvious now that something still struggled him and she could only assume it to be the backlash from the broken down relationship. "And tell me, what do you feel works the best for you?"

"Finding a dark corner, a PADD and getting on with some work," Calvin gave a sarcastic chortle. "It has taken me a while to get to this stage, but really just a few seconds to close my eyes, breathe and not remember what put me in this state in the first place."

"You do know that the worse thing you can do is isolate yourself? No matter how hard this is, you need to try and get out there. Make friends or acquaintances." Dru softly prompted.

"I will, I have been. Just another failed attempt at me trying to be self deprecatingly funny," the young man gave a rather innocent smile as he looked back up at his counselor.

Able to watch his face, Dru gave a small smile of her own back. "Do you always default back onto humor alot?"

"Yeah, I always find it diffuses a situation, or that poking fun of myself helps me relax, make light of my anxiety and lets me talk a little more about it. I think it can relax others as well, let them know they don't need to walk on egg shells around me or just let them know I am ok with it."

"If I asked you to be yourself, just be Calvin Henderson, how would you describe yourself as being?" Dru mentally took notes as she watched the officer and tried to see if she could get deep into his mind.

Pondering for a moment, it didn't take Calvin long to begin, "Humorous, caring, kind, loving...quiet but confident in my job. Someone who has a lot to give. Someone who has been hurt in the past but getting there."

"It seems to me that in some areas you are over compensating, sch as humour, while others you perhaps are ignoring like confidence. You need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you've just said to me..." Dru sat forward a little in her chair as she hoped that the man followed, "...you need to remind yourself of who you can be and what you can achieve and gradually it will happen."

"I guess so," Calvin replied, "I know it is a journey I am on...there are just times I wish it would hurry up. I want to be able to walk up to someone in a bar, strike up a conversation without either panicking or wanting to run away. It will come, I just need to be patient and go at my own pace and what is comfortable."

"How do you know that your not ready unless you try? I'd easily venture that today you've opened up more to me than you have anyone in while...also the last few minutes you shown no nerves or anxiety because you've been focused." Dru smiled.

That realisation hit poor Calvin like a brick wall. "Erm, I,ah, you are right," he smiled."I try, but can never get over that initial fear. Why I usually end up hoping people make the first move to approach. I guess I should try. I think I would be more willing on a big place like a starbase. I'd never have to see them again most likely and not worry. Here I would need to see those people every day. Friend or something more all being the same."

"Have you made any friends yet onboard who could perhaps go with you? Or even arrange to meet them in a bar so as you know that there's a safety person there when you walk in?" Dru replied.

"Not really so far, but then I am only a day on board," the science officer admitted, but sounded rather hopeful at the same time.

"Well it sounds like you've set yourself a task...make a friend and go for drink in a crowded place." Dru leaned forward in her chair as she watched the man's reaction.

Giving a weak smile, Calvin could only respond with, "I guess so. After I get settled in properly I think. I have so many new systems to learn."

"Just don't forget to not lock yourself away." Dru unfolded her arms as she pulled over a PADD and brought up the officer's file. "How about we make an appointment for in three weeks? Touch base and see how you are settling?"

"Sure," Calvin smiled hoping this was his session at an end now.

"If we say...eighteen hundred hours three weeks from today?" Dru made a notation in her PADD.

"I'll set the note in my calendar," Calvin said as he stood up, feeling slightly relieved that the session was drawing to an end.

Leaning over, Dry could see the relief in Calvin's body as she smiled a little. "Don't forget...it's ok to let your guard down every once in awhile, doing that got you through this appointment."

"I'll try," Calvin said with a smile.

[OFF]

Lieutenant JG Drusilla McCarthy
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

Ensign Calvin Henderson
Astrometrics Officer
USS Galileo

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