Once We Accept Our Limits... [part 1]

Posted on 22 Jul 2015 @ 10:18pm by Lieutenant Oren Idris Ph.D. & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson

4,048 words; about a 20 minute read

Mission: Episode 09 - Empires
Location: USS Galileo, Deck 7 - Arboretum
Timeline: MD 02 - 1135

[ON]

Ellsworth was plopped on a bed of moss with his legs splayed apart. Landi sat obediently on her haunches between his legs, tongue wagging, nose high, front feet prancing like she couldn't contain her own excited energy. That he was making her wait for a treat probably had a lot to do with it, but he was so caught up in his own monologue that he'd almost forgotten about the treat entirely.

"I don't know, maybe... I don't know. I just don't know," Ellsworth huffed, slumping his shoulders. "He can be kinda stubborn. Like, what if he ends up wanting to kiss me or wanting to hold my hand but then he doesn't cuz he's stubborn? Or, like... He's always thinking in his head, right? So what if the mood is right, you know, like..." Ellsworth's grin broadened as he lost himself in his imagination. "We're on the couch together and the movie just finished and he keeps leaning a little closer and I keep leaning a little closer and then we can feel the body heat from one another and he turns and looks at me and I turn and look at him but then all he sees is betray-"

Landi, unable to take it anymore, finally barked loudly at him. Ellsworth crinkled up his nose at the offending dog breath but did recall the treat, which he promptly handed over. In exchange, he received a few globs of dog slobber on his hand.

"Landi, you're a slobberface." In reply, the Irish wolfhound chewed loudly a few inches from his nose, watching him contentedly and doing her part to live up to the moniker. "But you're cute and sweet, and I loves you, yes I do. Is'at a good treat? Is it, hmm?"

"Pretty sure any treat she gets is a good one," he heard a familiar voice say from behind him.

Oren was sitting on one of the benches several meters away from where the two were playing. How long he'd been there before revealing his presence was a mystery.

At first, Ellsworth froze. In that moment of uncertainty, crazy things went through his mind. Was he hearing things now? Did he want that connection with Oren so bad that his mind was manifesting it for him? Was this a side effect of the medication from Sickbay? How long had he been there, if it was really him? Landi continued to pant in his face, apparently awaiting the next treat (for there was never just one when it came to Ellsworth), while he slowly turned his head to look over his shoulder.

"Oren," he said, speaking each syllable in wildly different tones of voice. The first was excited - too excited - before he course corrected himself into something more normal. He twisted his body to get a better look at the El Aurian and worked hard to keep a dopey smile off his face. He came! "Wait... Am I late? Did I keep her too long?"

Despite his intentions to remain completely stoic and serious, Oren let out a small chuckle at Ellsworth's confusion. Clearing his throat to cover it up, he ran a hand through his bangs.

"No, you aren't late," he said, looking at Landi as he said the next. "I just...I changed my mind about coming."

Within moments, the tension in his body fled and Ellsworth relaxed. He changed his mind about coming! The worry and concern in his face disappeared, and his look softened just a little too much. He probably could have cried if he let himself go too much, but he didn't. He reined it back in admirably as he pulled his legs back, swung one over the top of Landi's head, and spun on his backside so that he was facing Oren but still seated.

Anything he could have said would have been dumb, ill-informed, or just plain sappy, so the Betazoid kept his mouth shut. Instead, he rummaged around inside his bag until he'd retrieved a red ball. Behind him, Landi tensed immediately and shoved her head over his shoulder trying to get at the toy. They'd spent half an hour playing with it earlier, but it seemed like she never tired of it.

With an unimpressive throw, Ellsworth tossed it toward Oren but seemed wholly unprepared for the aftermath. Landi trampled him in her rush to chase the ball, paws and tail and slobbery mouth each taking their turn at battering Ellsworth until she was free to run full speed to her master. Curled in the fetal position on the ground, he couldn't stop laughing. It felt like a manic laugh, a cathartic laugh, the sort you couldn't bring to a halt before it brought tears to your eyes. Landi always made him laugh but really it was the release of knowing for once the step he'd taken had been the right step, the first step, in piecing things back together with Oren.

Leaning forward Oren caught the ball, eyes widening as he saw Landi almost trample Ellsworth to get to it. He suddenly held out his free hand.

"Stop!" he said, holding the ball away from her. Slipping and sliding awkwardly and messily on the grass, Landi barely managed to stop before slamming into Oren's legs. Looking up, Oren watched Ellsworth roll around the ground. Allowing himself a small, loving smile to form while keeping his eyes on the figure in the grass, Oren decided Ellsworth looked a little too carefree there.

"You want the ball, Landi?" he asked the dog excitedly, knowing it would transfer to the animal. She perked up, tail already wagging despite being in the grass. "Go get it!" He threw it over Ellsworth, making Landi trample over him in both directions once again.

Ellsworth laughed again and curled into a ball, bringing his arms up to his head to protect himself as four enormous paws stomped on him in the rush for retrieval and return. On her way back to Oren, Landi paused at Ellsworth's body, hovering over his head with curious eyes. With horror the young Betazoid watched as her jaws loosened and the ball fell out of her mouth, covered in dog slobber, and smacked wetly against his cheek. He screamed, flailed, and wildly knocked the ball far off in another direction in his haste to clean his cheek, sending the dog bounding off after it.

"She slimed me!" he squealed, dragging the sleeve of his shirt down into his palm to clean his cheek. He sat up and huffed in Oren's direction, giving a look that was half-pout and half-smile. "You did that on purpose, Oren Idris!"

Suppressing a smile now that Ellsworth's eyes were on him, Oren looked down at his hands. "Maybe," he said back, crossing his legs and leaning back against his seat. Near Ellsworth, Landi settled on the grass, the red ball forgotten between her front paws.

After that, a silence fell over them as Oren said nothing more. Now that the distraction of Landi was more or less gone, he had a hard time finding the right words to express why he was there at all. At least, he lacked the words that wouldn't make him sound needy and weak.

"Huh! Maybe," Ellsworth echoed, but quickly fell into the silence, too.

He openly stared at Oren to take advantage of the El Aurian's attention being shifted to his hands and smiled broadly, stupidly, affectionately. He eased to his right, stretched and fell into the grass so that his head was next to Landi's then he lifted the dog's ear and whispered, He came. He grinned at his companion, planted a kiss on the side of her furry face, and then hopped to his feet where he made a show of stretching and limbering himself up as if he'd been sitting for hours and hours. In truth, it was just an excuse to work up the nerve to walk to the bench.

After putting on a calisthenics show, Ellsworth finally decided the bench wasn't going to come to him so he shuffled over with his eyes fixed firmly on the ground and flopped down next to Oren. His hand somehow, miraculously, completely not on purpose of course, managed to end up next to Oren's so that their pinkies were barely touching one another.

"Sooo..."

"Are you feeling alright?" Oren suddenly asked, the words all but shoving their way out of his mouth.

"Huh?" Ellsworth replied, blinking. Of course he was feeling alright. Oren had showed up. Why wouldn't he be feeling fine? "Oh. Oh, that. Hmm." He made several thoughtful noises and began to slouch on the bench, as if he couldn't think and hold himself upright at the same time. Finally, he shrugged. "Sorta. I guess. My body feels weird."

His eyes darted to the side, still downcast, and fixated on on the few square centimeters of a connection between their fingers. Ellsworth wanted to say something cheesy. The scenario ran through his head. He'd lean to the side, body draping up against Oren, and look up into his beautiful green eyes. He'd smile, demure and suggestive but not sexually suggestive, and say, I'm feeling so much better now that you're here, before taking up the El Aurian's hand and kissing it.

Instead, he made a very unflattering grunting noise, words caught in a dry throat that refused to produce them properly. He covered it up with a cough, like he'd been clearing his throat, before trying again. "Are you feeling all right, too? I was..." He paused, measuring how much he should say. "For like five minutes I thought you were dead. I'm on the list for all the damage reports. I saw your quarters and... " Thought it would take me a lifetime to recover from the loss. "Anyway, you're not hurt, are you? I mean, you're feeling better?"

Oren wasn't sure what he'd been expecting to hear from Ellsworth. Some long winded confession on the dangers of telepathic addiction? An apology? Why would Ellsworth apologize for something that technically speaking wasn't his fault. To Oren, it was his fault, but he wasn't sure if that was just his hurt talking or the reality of their situation. Less than a week ago, he'd casually thought about ending his life, so maybe his own mind wasn't the best judge of what was the right thing to do at the moment. Or ever, really.

Not feeling up to the task of talking about himself, he remained on the subject he really wanted to discuss.

"I spoke to K'os a few days ago," Oren finally replied, looking out at the Arboretum. "He told me about your bond and what the doctor told you to do. I just...I wanted to see if you were okay, and if you needed anything." Oren didn't spell it out for Ellsworth, his thoughts on the fact that, without K'os and without Oren, Ellsworth didn't really have anyone else to rely on. And despite what Oren's brain told him, he could do very little before finally giving in to his feelings and reaching out. If not from a place of love, but one of compassion and friendship.

Ellsworth watched Oren's hand move away and finally withdrew his own into his lap. He fidgeted with his fingers, trying to release some nervous energy. It felt good to be sitting next to Oren again, but it felt bad, too. It was a physical reminder of what he'd done, it summoned up that look of hurt and betrayal right before he turned and left the other man's quarters. That he'd spoken to K'os, actually come face-to-face with him and spoke to him, only made matters worse, really. At least he probably had a good idea of what Ellsworth had been through, told through K'os probably far better than he could manage himself, but it still made his words catch in his throat.

"I think I'll be okay," he said. It was a heavy statement, for while it was the truth he knew it would also be a long path to getting back to okay. Ellsworth let silence reign for several long moments before finally inhaling deeply and summoning up his courage. As his chest swelled, he felt like he could, should, had to break and let it all out. "I do need something, I need you to be around me, Oren. I don't have anyone else. But it's not all selfish, okay? I need you to be around me because I want you to be around me and I miss you and I have to have the chance to do better and be better and just for once, when it matters..." He paused, turned away, brought his hands up to his temples, choked on his words, then finally let them out in a rush. "...to do the right thing for someone else instead of myself."

He looked up and went wide-eyed. "Wait, no, no. Don't say anything!" For a moment, he wished Oren was mute because he was terrified of what he might say. It was too soon but Ellsworth was nothing if not impulsive and reckless, even as he was trying to temper those parts of himself. He could only hold it in for so long. It would take practice. "Let's just sit here, okay?" His voice felt strained and sounded desperate, but he pleaded anyway. "Just sit here and...sit... And watch Landi. And not say anything. We don't have to say anything."

"You don't want me to say anything?" Oren asked in disbelief, his voice even as he finally looked up at Ellsworth, taking in his demeanor. "Sit here in silence and do what? Pretend? I'm not good at pretending like you, Ellsworth." The last sentence was out before Oren could stop himself but he tried to suppress his guilt. Although his words were harsh, he knew that needed to be spoken.

Ellsworth's mouth clamped shut and his face relaxed completely, leaving him looking completely dumbfounded and stunned. He blinked once, twice, rapidly several times in a row. For a moment his forehead creased, his eyebrows lifted upward, and his bottom lip gave the faintest hint of trembling. Just the words alone hurt, much less their implication. More importantly, it brought to the forefront of his mind just how difficult it would be to change business as usual. Saying what he wanted to say and then urging Oren to be silent because he was afraid of what he was going to say was textbook Old Ellsworth, looking out for his own feelings at the cost of others.

He frowned, still hurt but more than anything disappointed in himself. He wanted to change, but apparently that didn't happen over night. "Oren... I'm sorry." He shifted his peripheral vision so he could see the El Aurian better but quickly looked away again. "I have so much to be sorry for, I know I do. And I promise I'll try to make those things up to you, I will..." He inhaled deeply and then let it out as a sigh. "Don't be quiet, not anymore. Please. I'm afraid of what you're going to say, but... I still want to hear it." He looked up, directly at Oren, and blinked to clear his wet eyes. "I really do."

Oren finally looked up at Ellsworth, meeting his eyes for the first time since coming to the Arboretum. "Honestly, I have so much to say, but I don't know if I should bother," he admitted, willing his eyes to remain dry and failing completely. The prickling he felt behind them as the tears welled up frustrated him.

"You know why? Because I told you things already. Things I didn't tell anyone. I told you what I was always afraid of. I trusted you and you promised me you'd never do it, and then you did less than two days later. Do you know how stupid I feel for trusting you?"

"Very," Ellsworth said dejectedly. He'd never felt so small, like the weight of Oren's look and all his guilt were pressing down on him and compressing him until he was a nothing. It was a heavy feeling that threatened to take his breath away, but he knew he deserved to feel it. When you did bad things, you had to make penance, so he straightened his back and prepared to be an adult about things. It was hard, but he could do it. Not for himself, but for Oren.

"I made a very big mistake, at your expense. Can I ever say sorry in a way that makes you feel good? That will make it sound like I really mean it? I dunno." He shrugged. "Probably not, right? That's the way words work... So I have to show you, Oren, and prove it to you by the things that I do. And I think listening is the first thing I can do. You don't have to trust me again. Maybe... Maybe we can be friends again, if I can just do the right things for you. I just want to do the right thing." His brow creased, bringing to light his frustration. "I'm so sorry, Oren. I..."

"Ellsworth, you don't have to keep saying you're sorry. I know you mean it," Oren said, letting out a frustrated sigh. "I forgive you. I'm just...angry and sad and hurt...I keep wondering if I did something wrong even if I know I didn't."

"I just...I feel like I was too trusting, but I don't know how to not be that way. Being with you, around you, made me feel so good, so comfortable, I felt like I could tell you anything," Oren explained, looking at the Betazoid, hoping he could somehow convey how he felt.

Ellsworth lowered his chin dejectedly and let his head hang. What did you say that to say? Not sorry, apparently. And if someone didn't trust you then what was the point of telling them you could? Especially when you knew they shouldn't have trusted you the first time, when you knew you weren't trustworthy back then. But now... He frowned. Now was supposed to be different. He could at least say as much.

"It wasn't wrong to trust me. At least I don't think," Ellsworth said, cutting his eyes to the side to look at Oren. "I was the one who messed up, so let it be on me. I mean... Can you be mad at yourself when you do the right thing but bad consequences come from it? Well. Wait. I guess you can. But should you? I don't think you should. You should always want to do the right thing, and the right thing was trusting someone...you know, in our situation. At least I think so." He shifted his eyes back to his hands in his lap and then looked up, turning to face Oren.

"Well, doing the right thing never seems to end well," Oren said quietly, pulling his feet up to rest on the edge of the bench and resting his forearms on his knees as he watched Landi rolling around in the grass.

"I'm just depressed...and angry, and I hate feeling those things," he admitted, looking down through the space between his things at the grass. "I feel like..." Oren hesitated, wondering how smart it was to just spill his emotional guts out to Ellsworth again.

"I feel like I built up what was between us so much in my head, and now that it's all gone down in flames, I shouldn't be this torn up about it. But I am, and I feel stupid if I try to tell anyone about it because they'll probably judge me and think I'm an idiot because none of it was even real." He paused, letting out a frustrated sigh.

"You were the only person I could talk to about this stuff, but now I can't because I don't trust you and it makes me so angry.">>

Ellsworth leaned forward to pick up a loose leaf from the ground and rolled the stem between his fingers just to give himself an outlet for nervous energy. This wasn't going to plan, at all. Oren was supposed to have a change of heart, show up at the arboretum, and play keep away with him and Landi. He was supposed to smile and laugh and let all the bad things lift off his heart. Then they'd settle down on the bench, smile at each other, and Ellsworth would take up his ageless hand... Instead, Oren was mad all over again, and Ellsworth didn't know what to say. Flustered, he said the first thing that came to mind.

"I love you." The stem of the leaf snapped between thumb and finger. "And I know you probably think I don't even know what that means. Maybe I don't! Maybe 'love' and 'Ellsworth love' are two different things. But I know how I feel after all...this...now that I've got a clear head. So, I feel like I love you. You know, like, as a person, not some made up idea in my head. And I think that means you can trust me enough to at least still talk to me about stuff. I mean... I know it's weird, probably. To talk to me about me and how it made you realize how you feel. I just..." His brow knitted together and he tossed the leaf outward; as if to frustrate him, it whipped back around in the air without making any progress at all and landed at his feet. "I can't stomach the thought of you being so lonely like that, Oren. Again. So, maybe you can let it out, with me."

Ellsworth wasn't even sure if it was a way forward but it was something. Oren could sit and tell him how stupid and inconsiderate he was, how awful it made him feel, how he wanted to die, how lonely he realized he was, how he'd never lay side-by-side with Ellsworth or look in his eyes ever again, but at least he'd be talking to him. It was better than silence and distance and crying over a picture at night, and Oren would have some outlet where none might otherwise exist. He could listen to those things and keep his chin up, for Oren.

Oren sighed, watching Ellsworth, taking each word in. Not for the first time, he hated being the way he was. He could feel the sincerity of Ellsworth's words right down to his bones. He knew that the Betazoid meant every syllable and Oren believed him. Passed all of the stubbornness, hurt and disappointment, Oren knew that Ellsworth was ready to stand behind his words. He believed him, and a small part of Oren felt ready to trust him but he pushed that feeling away.

He knew that, given an inch of space, his feelings would overpower his senses and he'd pull Ellsworth back into his life and forgive him completely. If he was being sincere to himself, Oren knew that he could forgive Ellsworth. Easily.

But the hurt side of him pushed back, telling him he shouldn't. After all, what had forgiveness ever gotten him? He always forgave everyone in his life, no matter what people did. His fiance broke off their engagement - he showed up at her wedding. A friend forgot his graduation - he told himself she was busy. One of his girlfriends slapped him - he chalked it up to her being irritated at work.

He was always a push over, so why should he be one now?

Pursing his lips as these frustrations came over him, Oren looked away from Ellsworth and said nothing for the time being.

[to be continued...]

[OFF]

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[PNPC Mott]

Lieutenant JG Oren Idris
Chief Research Officer
USS Galileo

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