Two Blind Idiots - Part 2

Posted on 18 Feb 2015 @ 6:02pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont & Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson
Edited on on 18 Feb 2015 @ 6:03pm

4,474 words; about a 22 minute read

Mission: Episode 08 - NIMBUS
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 2, Mess Hall
Timeline: MD -03: 0225 hrs

Last time

The city, he realized, had jumped its walls and hit the prairie in a roar of flames. It wasn't spreading in the concentric pattern one might expect but instead seemed to be guided by some unseen hand tending to its sides so that it consumed a wide avenue that traveled straight toward him, burning trees and grass and soil indiscriminately. Sensing the danger, Ellsworth turned and immediately ran into the solid wall that was K'os, who'd been standing right behind him the entire time. He placed his hands against K'os' chest, open palmed, and stared up into his eyes. That city... That was the thing, the terrible thing, the thing that Anna had spoken of and the thing that sent K'os away and the thing that now felt him, the goal of its desire, so close at hand. It promised to be a glorious death of ecstasy burning away in the flames of passion, but death was death and it would kill him.

Now the continuation

"K'os, please, I'm not strong enough," Ellsworth pleaded, looking up at him with wet eyes. When they first discovered he could withstand K'os' touch telepathy, it had seemed miraculous. The emotions that came unleashed when they were together were like a raging river that at times threatened to sweep Ellsworth away. And although he'd always somehow managed to navigate the currents, this was different; this would turn him to cinders and ash.

K'os could barely hear Ellsworth, indeed he had almost forgotten they had melded. His terrified eyes remained fixed on the horrifyingly beautiful sight before him. He knew what it was but didn't recognize it. He was seeing it for the first time through Ellsworth's mind; how he perceived it. He suddenly looked down at Ellsworth as if he'd just appeared. Outside of their mindscape they were just two men, embracing in a replimat during Gamma shift. Inside their mind, the intensity of the thing drew closer.

"I'm not going to let that happen." K'os brushed aside his emotions and they evaporated like mist. He then gently pushed Ellsworth aside and strode forward meeting the coming destruction with a quiet stoicism. He allowed it to wash over him, destroying his body violently. The pain erupted like a flash of white light that blinded temporarily. When it cleared suddenly, Ellsworth was alone in the darkness. It was cold; empty; and silent.

Ellsworth turned in place, trying to sense something - anything - in the darkness. The city, the plain, K'os - everything was gone. Was this death? It felt like death. It was lonely. K'os was there, but he was on the other side of something insurmountable, like he was shut off as by a veil from him. He was unseeable, untouchable, and it made him want to weep his life away thinking he might be gone forever. That, more than anything, convinced him of his need for the other man, the fact that life seemed so completely unappealing without him.

Now back in the replimat, K'os had pushed Ellsworth away from him, but continued to hold him at arms length. His warm hands firmly gripping the man's shoulders; he had severed the meld using the new techniques that Toor had taught him. Months of training. Days of agonizing pain. Shame at the useless destruction of broken doors and holes in Toor's home. But he had come through the other side during his time away and had been given control of the thing inside him. He was glad that he had the strength to stop the connection, but he could feel the emotions in his mind fade until they no longer had an effect on his physiology.

The memory of his first day with his Vulcan friend had come to mind during their meld and his friend was right. He had said it from the beginning and would continue to remind him.

"It's all or nothing, K'os. No one is strong enough to release the Plak Tow for you. Not like other Vulcans. I can only bury it. Hold the worst of it at bay. If you can control your emotions, you might be able to control the Plak tow."

K'os had cried at that. "No, I'm not like other Vulcans." He protested. "I can't just turn my emotions off. I choose what I want to feel! Me!" He jabbed an angry finger into Toors chest. " I feel what I want, and when I want!! It's too hard to turn it all off. I've tried and it's just...too hard. It makes me weak."

Toor, with a patient look stepped closer and said simply. "You will, because you have to."

He blinked the memory away and looked at Ellsworth. The hybrid's cheeks were wet from crying, but the terror and concern were gone from his eyes. His breathing was even and he had stopped trembling. "Don't hate me. You deserve to be angry with me, hit me, scream at me, but please don't hate me." He released his shoulders and resisted the urge to run away.

Back in the replimat, Ellsworth felt disoriented for a moment. K'os was standing in front of him, naked from the waist up, but wasn't K'os...gone? He blinked, the pieces began to reassemble themselves, and he remembered it all in turn. No wonder he was asking him not to hate him, telling him that he deserved to be angry. He did deserve it, and he was angry. But how much bite could your anger have with a man like that? The half-Vulcan had stepped in front of him and taken the brunt of the force without question or hesitation, a depth of devotion that made him weak in the knees. It answered all the childish longing he had in his heart for acts of heroism and 'true love' that came from watching too many holovids. He refused to meet his eyes, looked instead at his chest, but finally spoke up in a quiet voice.

"I don't hate you. I am angry, but I don't hate you."

There was much more to say, hours upon hours filled with questions and answers, the most burning among them being, will it always be like that? But they were tired, even the most basic empath could have sensed that. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, and he wasn't sure if he had the strength left to utter another word.

K'os nodded slowly. As if being physically pushed back, K'os turned and straightened the table he had pushed aside. Had he not closed down, he may not have been able to leave. The lack of emotion made his mind clear, and he quickly understood the need to sleep and leave Ellsworth to his own thoughts without having K'os there to confuse him. He stopped at the door and turned back as if he wanted to say something more, but in his unclouded wisdom he felt it best not to make it worse.

Ellsworth watched him go, stuck in place and unable to move. Most of his energy seemed to be devoted to remaining standing, but once K'os was gone he felt compelled to move. Not just to move but to run, fast enough that the door sensor barely had time to compensate. He burst into the corridor, took a microsecond to determine which way K'os had gone, and then set off after him. When he approached, he reached for his shoulder and his momentum was strong enough to move the man for once, spin him around to face him. It carried Ellsworth forward, into him, and then his lips were against his. For all he knew the man was still in the depths of emotional numbness and forced control; the act may not have even been consensual, but he didn't care. In that moment he was only concerned about his own needs, consumed with base selfishness. He was crying and mumbling as he assaulted him, repeating "I love you" like a mantra until he felt the familiar tingle and pushed himself away.

He stood in front of K'os looking him full in the eyes. His own were wide, open, vulnerable, and innocent. He was scared and shaking, worried about the implications and ramifications of the evening. His body was half-turned, poised to flee, but he hesitated as if he was waiting on something.

K'os was taken by surprise, but he let it all happen like he was watching a holonovel. Understanding the story, but feeling disconnected from the characters. He reached his hands to Ellsworth's face gently turning him back towards him. He stepped closer and grasped the sides of the man's face gently. He leaned in and kissed him on the lips before wiping tears off Ellsworth's cheeks with his thumbs. Then he kissed his cheeks under his eyes, then slowly his forehead, before kissing his lips again. It lacked his usual passion but was no less sentimental. He continued to hold his face, forcing the Betazoid to look into his eyes. Everytime Ellsworth tried to mumble or say I love you, K'os kissed him somewhere on his face. The tingle of their connection was there, but with his clarity and emotion free control, it stayed at just a warm feeling. The "reward" for his sacrifice. It's all emotion or nothing. He knew Ellsworth had the ability to force it if he wanted to. Whether he knew how, was another matter.

Ellsworth pulled away just enough that they could focus their eyes on one another. His chest was heaving like he was out of breath and his heart was racing. K'os on the other hand looked so calm. It brought to mind all the other times when Ellsworth had felt like a ragged emotional mess and K'os just stood there firmly encased in the armor of Vulcan control. He'd deluded himself into thinking there were times when he had to be the stronger one, but it was clear then that it was almost always the other way around. The way he was kissing him and looking at him made him want to forget about everything that had happened. What point was there in being angry? Wasn't anger just another battle for control, to assert your 'right' to be hurt and furious and exact some penance from the other person? As he looked into K'os' eyes, he could readily accept that people made mistakes borne out of love. A vague sense of why he'd left in the first place was beginning to coalesce, and it was urged on by his inmost desire to find a reason - any reason - to forgive K'os and move on.

But his pride needled him. It poked and twisted and turned; it was like black dye dripping into the crystal still waters of forgiveness, dirtying them and polluting them and corrupting their purpose. The growing presence of it was just one more thing to hate about himself. It was another element of the ongoing dichotomy of what Ellsworth recognized he should be and wanted to be and what Ellsworth actually was. He already felt like a fool for trying to brush K'os aside and move on with his life, as if it would ever be possible. He hated what he'd done and had been doing to Oren - downplaying K'os' significance, using Oren for his own comfort, and then hiding his ongoing turmoil over the reappearance of his imzadi. And now he was finding it difficult to reject the pride and anger he so desperately wanted to put aside. It was so stubborn and stupid and unwarranted, but it wouldn't go away. It demanded that things between them be repaired only with the passage of time and atonement no matter how much either of them desired a quick, complete reunion.

Eventually, he took a step back to force some physical distance between them, recognizing how irrational a move it was given that he was the one that had chased after K'os. "I need some time."

"I know." K'os said simply. His hands had drifted to his sides. His mind was working hard to analyze the contradictory feelings he picked up here and there coming from Ellsworth. In the steady even thinking that came about from his control, it was a little confusing for him to process what was happening. Suddenly his mind stuck on something, like a spotlight. It illuminated something he had picked up, but emotionally repressed. Only now was it coming to the surface. K'os too had questions, and time was probably a good thing for him too. His mind kept focusing one word. Oren as if whispered through shadows.

A bubble of anger floated to the surface of his thoughts but dissipated like vapour against his willpower. It felt like static, like a caged animal testing it's enclosure. Something dark inside him also wanted to know about Oren.

Ellsworth cut his eyes to the side and looked at the corridor walls, feeling guilt. He knew what K'os was thinking, and he knew what he'd done was wrong. He'd hidden K'os from Oren and Oren from K'os, and he couldn't even claim he'd done it for them. He'd done it for himself. He didn't want Oren to find out because it might change things between them, and he was afraid of change and losing what he'd built up in his mind between them. He didn't want K'os to know because it endangered the hope that they could be together again. He had no idea how he might interpret it, especially since the relationship he had with the El Aurian was well beyond anything as basic as sex. He'd taken a few partners since last being with K'os, but he knew he'd probably not feel threatened in the least by those. They were easy to dismiss because they could never hold a candle to the dynamic between them. But this...

The more he thought about it the more there seemed to be broader implications besides the narrow concerns about his own discomfort. What if the thing inside K'os told him to find Oren? What if it saw him as a threat? Or, worse, what if K'os convinced himself to leave again, so Ellsworth could be 'happy' with Oren? It seemed like the sort of self-deprecating thing he might try to do in his rush to fix the problem. Oren might fall into the same behavior, covering his own wounds with martyrdom so Ellsworth and K'os could be happy.

K'os' eyes studied the other man; once or twice he cocked his head as if hearing the Betazoid speak. Mentally, K'os was trying to tune out Ellsworth's thoughts. He felt as though he were intruding. Whoever this person was, he was special to Ellsworth. The realization that his return would have even wider ramifications-- or would affect anyone other than the two of them, made him flinch; but he felt nothing. No emotion. It was naive to think this would be something they could just simply work out with time. It affected someone else now. When his emotions were allowed to run amok, like a three year old child with banging pots, he thought there was a chance. A chance that maybe if he just showed Ellsworth how much he loved him maybe he would be forgiven. After all, isn't that the advice Toor gave him? He mentally chastised himself for it, perhaps a bit more aggressively than he wanted. K'os, you fool!

K'os' face didn't reflect anything in his mind. He remained passive, studying Ellsworth. "It was never my intention to intrude back into your life so dramatically. I hadn't realized that you moved on. I'm sorry, I--" The strain of containing his emotions was showing with the line of sweat starting to come off his body. His hands shook with the effort so he forced his right hand to fidget with his pajama bottoms.

Ellsworth suddenly felt completely impatient with K'os. Moved on? Who the hell in this corridor had moved on? He had tried to move on but failed so spectacularly that you could hardly have considered it much of an effort in the first place. He hadn't even wanted to make it in the first place, but what else was he supposed to do? He didn't want to mope around the ship, crying and bemoaning his plight for weeks on end. As suitably dramatic as it seemed, that wasn't his style; he didn't want to be lonely like that. K'os had given no warning about his departure so he'd been forced to try to move on. As with so many things one was forced to do it had been difficult and rocky and, ultimately, failed.

"Intrude? Move on? Are you blind, K'os?" Ellsworth asked. His voice was an octave higher, pushed up by incredulity. How could he have bonded with him again and walked away thinking that Ellsworth viewed him as anything other than the love of his life? "Let go of that Vulcan control and just remember."

It wasn't so much the words, but the tone Ellsworth used. It was like hearing his father's voice from the other room when he was a kid. "Stop being so Vulcan. Act normally". Even though it wasn't what Ellsworth meant, the Betazoid's frustration clanged around in K'os' head, twisting the meaning. How could he just 'let go' now anyway? Why would Ellsworth just dismiss the threat that loomed inside his head like that. K'os felt hot, as anger threatened to break his control for him.

Ellsworth frowned at him, eventually growing so frustrated he abandoned verbal communication altogether and spoke on their higher level. If you'd asked him yesterday or even an hour ago if K'os was an intrusion then he would have said yes. And it would have been a lie. Now that he'd seen him and touched him he could admit the truth to himself and to K'os. There was no intrusion or moving on. It had all been a lie. A convincing lie that he'd carefully constructed for himself and Oren and everyone else concerned, but a lie nonetheless.

When they'd bonded, he felt conflicted and felt conflicted still, at least over Oren, though he'd never been more certain of how he felt about K'os, even as he remained upset with him. Somewhere beyond the half-Vulcan's black-and-white interpretation of events he had to know that. It was just... Complicated. And frustrating. Very, very frustrating. So frustrating, in fact, it was putting him on edge.

The mental wall in K'os' mind gave way to fatigue. The anger and frustration, whether he was feeling Ellsworth's or his own, grew till he snapped.

K'os fidgeting with the drawstring on his pajama pants was suddenly annoying. He stepped back close to him and slapped at his hands, trying to make him stop. He felt empowered and responded to a need to make his feelings plain to K'os, hoping that open language would help him draw the connections between the thoughts Ellsworth had shared with him.

Slapping at his hands made the anger stir and bubble around his head as it clouded his reason and judgment. He forced his eyes away from him, shamed by the irrationality and contradictory nature everything that had happened since first walking into the replimat. It was as if two blind idiots were walking around grasping at things they wanted rather than needed.

"Look at me," Ellsworth demanded forcefully. "I need time to figure all that out. That... Stuff. Him. And to just get over being mad at you. But don't you ever call yourself an intrusion. I didn't move on. I couldn't move on. And I don't want to move on now. You're still going to see me and touch me and spend time with me. And you are never, ever, going to walk away from me again. Are you?"

He'd meant for the last part to be more of a rhetorical question but his voice betrayed him and cracked, leaving it to sound like a plea.

The aggression and the dominance that Ellsworth was showing was unlike him. It surprised K'os...and it fed It. K'os exploded in anger out of reaction. It was irrational, it made no sense or had a purpose. His anger mixed with the feelings from Ellsworth was like a nuclear melting pot. "I didn't want to leave you in the first place!" He shouted. "You call me blind, because I care about someone elses feelings other than my own?" He took a deep breath and his lip curled. "You want me to let go of my 'Vulcan control?'" He spat the word Vulcan as if it were a racial slur. "The control that kept you safe? The control that keeps me normal?" He stepped forward aggressively, but didn't touch Ellsworth. Instead he jabbed a finger into his own chest hard enough to cause him pain.

"I didn't want to leave you!" K'os growled. He glared down at Ellsworth, realizing he had taken his lovers hands in his. K'os couldn't control the shaking. His next words were still full of frustration, but holding the man's hands had taken the edge off his anger, as if grounding him. "You can't just say you'll sort him out as if he were nothing to you. I felt it. I know your feelings for him, and his for you. That isn't something that you can just let go of. You're conflicted, I can sense it. So, yes. I am intruding. On that. And I am not blind, stop twisting my intentions. I know intimately how you feel, the same way you know how I feel. I love you! Ellsworth, I love you so much I would stay, or leave, or jump out the nearest fucking airlock, if you told me to." The thing inside him pushed to go further; to get angrier, but he felt deflated and spread thin.

Ellsworth didn't move or flinch, as he might have done if this had been any other person stepping toward him. Many of the things about K'os frightened him, but he wasn't scared of him. He'd quickly discovered from their very first experience together that there was some terrible anger below the surface just waiting to be let out, but it had never worried him. He was confident, perhaps foolishly so, that he could stop K'os with a thought before he ever managed to raise a hand. So he watched him explode and took it all in and let it rush around him until it was done and there was nothing more than a whisper of it left between them, like the light breeze following a terrible storm. He relished the anger because it stung; it was his penance, his hundred lashes, and he wanted more. He wanted to be punished for being so defiant with K'os and so flippant with Oren. But now that the anger was gone he hesitated because he wasn't sure what to do or say. His chest rose and fell rapidly and his eyes roamed around the corridor, as if the answer was going to pop out of a bulkhead. Finally, they settled on their intertwined hands.

"I'm sorry, I just..." He stopped himself and his chin dropped to his chest. He fell forward, the crown of his head colliding against K'os' chest. He held on tightly to the other man's hands for a moment and let go only at the last minute; that thing had worked itself close to the surface again, and he didn't want to embolden it. On some level he knew what K'os had done had been for their own good, but he still hated it. It still made him angry because it was such a fresh wound. K'os wasn't blind or too controlled, but those were difficult admissions to make after his outburst. "I don't know what to do."

He had ideas of what to do, but they were all bad. He wanted to ask him to make love to him and run away together; he wanted to leave Oren a hastily scrawled note slipped under his door; he wanted to reject K'os and choose what at times felt like the safer and better choice, Oren; he wanted to keep both of them, like they were toys, and pull them out to play with whenever he wanted. They were all bad ideas and while he felt no small amount of self-loathing over even thinking them, he gave himself some credit for rejecting them all. He didn't want to hurt Oren, he didn't want to hurt K'os, and he didn't want to hurt himself. He knew it was impossible for everyone to walk away without scars, but perhaps there was some way that would help lessen the impact on all of them. The solution didn't present itself immediately, but things rarely ever seemed to be that easy.

"Neither do I." K'os said quietly. He cupped the back of Ellsworth's head and pulled him up close till his face rested on his chest. He let out a slow exhale as the warm breath on his skin sent shivers over his body. He kissed the top of his head, holding it there as he inhaled the smell of his hair. The anger was still there, coating his mind like mercury but it was tempered once again by the affections the two men shared. He separated their bodies with his hands on the other's shoulders. "We don't have to rush it. This has happened all very, very quickly. And unless you decide to send me out the airlock two decks down, I'm not going anywhere." He grinned, then smiled -- probably for the first time in months. A genuine, thinned lipped dimpled smile.

Ellsworth wanted to reprimand him for saying that - after only just getting him back within reach, the thought of it took his breath away - but it was hard to be serious in the face of those dimples. They invited mirth and caused him to return the smile as he stretched up to press his lips against K'os' like they used to in the sort of casual and light-hearted kiss that was exchanged by people who'd been in love for years. "Slow, then." He stayed close, searching his eyes for a moment and then settled back down flat on his feet. But not too slow, imzadi.

END

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo

&

PO3 K'os Beaumont
Engineer's Mate
USS Galileo

RSS Feed

Comments (1)