Instinctive states of mind

Posted on 08 Feb 2015 @ 1:40pm by Ensign K'os Beaumont

1,035 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: Vega Colony
Timeline: MD 43 - Morning

OOC: It's a long one folks, so I split in two parts for ease of reading. Just trying to get back into his head again. :) enjoy.

ON:

K'os stirred in his sleep. He didn't dream when he slept; it wasn't how his hybrid brain was wired. He processed memories, and analyzed emotions during sleep with a clarity that would have seemed surreal to others. Lately, it has always been about one thing. Ellsworth. They were always about Ellsworth.

Ellsworth held on tightly to both the jar and K'os, burying his head into the other man's chest. It was a warm, comfortable and safe place; it didn't hurt that K'os always smelled good, too. Some part of him hated how quickly K'os could sort through his emotions, like some sort of walking automatic emotional filing system with cabinets and drawers and folders for everything. By comparison, Ellsworth felt like his filing system was always in a state of disarray, as if all the "emotional paperwork" had just exploded and lay scattered around the floor while he frantically tried to make sense of it.

"Never feel guilty for who you are, not with me."

"When we were...together...in Tycho City, did you sense anything about a Cardassian? A...friend of mine?"

K'os sifted through the memories from their mind meld. "You feel guilty that you still have sexual urges for other people? I remember you shared thoughts of a Cardassian man with me during our last bonding. You know I don't judge you for that."

Ellsworth blushed, feeling like the conversation was going to turn awkward no matter what happened. "Well, about that... I mean, not that incident. That whole thing was just a mess. But, in general... Those, uh, urges aren't going to go away. It's biochemical. I can't control that, and I have a hard time controlling myself. It's difficult to fight. But, you're so important to me... I talked with Dr. Mott, and he said he can make a suppressant that will help take care of those urges. For the sake of monogamy, you know. I wouldn't really mind...you know, doing that. For us."

The flash of anger that waved through him jolted his eyes awake. He took a moment to realize he was in bed. The memory in his mind floating around like a dim fog. He normally would have dismissed it; clamped it down or disassociated his mind from it. But he held onto it just a little longer, allowing the anger to build.

Deep within his mind, anger had roared around at Ellsworth's suggestion. The idea that Ellsworth would medicate himself. Change himself for him. It was difficult as the memories of being injected with neuro-stablization drugs because he didn't act Vulcan enough or that he was too excitable and showed a lack of disconnection with appropriate behaviour to be Human enough. They were sour, unpleasant memories. To him, it felt as though the Betazoid was willing to sacrifice something of himself to supposedly make K'os happy. The Vulcan hybrid just wanted him to stop sacrificing so much. Ellsworth deserved his own happiness and it should never be up to K'os or Dr. Mott or anyone to dictate what Ellsworth should do with his body; sexually or medically. He lowered his voice a little to match Ellsworth's. "What have I done to make you feel like you have to change yourself to be with me?"

K'os took a deep breath and allowed the memory to fade from his mind. The anger too, faded as he actively suppressed it, using Vulcan techniques to purge it from his mind. Much more skillfully and patiently than he would have been able to two months ago.

K'os slowly sat up and swung his leg over the side of the bed. Feeling the coldness of the floor as he flexed his feet. As he sat, he closed his eyes and focused on clearing his mind. He reached deep into the 'filing cabinet like' areas to find the one thing he kept locked away. The Plak tow. His blood fever. Had he not cleared his mind, he would have felt fear just thinking about it. He felt secure, knowing he was still in control of it. A beep at a console in the living room rang out, interrupting his attention. With a passive expression on his face he stood and put a t-shirt on before leaving the bedroom.

It was a hot morning on Vega, but it didn't seem to bother the Vulcan hybrid much as he made his way to a small round metal table. He pressed a few buttons on the console, and a message from Starfleet appeared. He leaned down and grasped the table as he read. It was a posting notice. He skimmed it, assuming it was approving his request for the Nimitz. His eyes darted as he skimmed over all the irrelevant words till suddenly his eyes went wide at the word on the screen. His face, that had a moment ago been passive or disinterested was contorted in a mix of pain and fear. His eyes stared at the word Galileo. The lockdown on his emotions began to crack. He took a deep breath as feelings he had suppressed for so long came rushing in like a tornado over water, he suddenly lost control for the first time in two months. Having held this torrent at bay for so long, he had forgotten how intensely he felt things. How powerful his limbic system could shake him to the core of his mind.

"Fuck!" K'os slammed his fists onto the table. It felt like there were hands wrapped around his head and squeezing gently. Anger; sadness; fear; love; happiness. They all mingled together affecting him physically. His heart pounded. His chest heaved as his breathing became rapid, then shallow, then gasping as his mood struggled to sync with the emotions, but couldn't keep up.

Just then, the door to the living space opened. "Beaumont!"

K'os turned to see his Vulcan friend, Toor standing in the entranceway. He had shouted his name, though it came out sounding monotone.


TO BE CONTINUED.....

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