Chemical Castration Is Not The Answer

Posted on 28 Jan 2015 @ 12:08am by Petty Officer 3rd Class Ellsworth Hudson & Lieutenant Prudence Devin Ph.D.

3,403 words; about a 17 minute read

Mission: Episode 07 - Sojourn
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD44: 1700 hrs

ON:

Ellsworth stood just outside the chief counselor's door for a good five minutes, shuffling his feet and wondering if this wasn't the worst idea he'd ever come up with. Yesterday, he'd been convinced he needed to see a counselor. Today, it seemed like an incredibly stupid idea. But that was the way it always went - hit a low point, decide to get help, wait until the next day, convince yourself you're just fine the way you are, rinse and repeat. Eventually, the cycle needed to be broken, so the question became whether or not today was the day for that.

He lifted his foot to make a step, held it in the air in hesitation, then finally put it down on the deck plating in such a way that brought him forward and within range of the door chime. He reached out, pressed the button, then stood back a respectful distance.

Well... That was that, then. Today was the day. Maybe. He still had time to run....

"Please enter," Prudence said, with some surprise. She hadn't expected someone to drop by. She stood, to welcome the person and watched with surprise the young dark-eyed man who stood there when the doors opened. She nodded a welcome, giving him a gentle smile. "Come in and take a seat. I am Prudence Devin."

Ellsworth entered the room stiffly and shuffled to a seat. Ordinarily, he flopped into chairs and onto couches, but he was nervous. He sat down very carefully and remained on the edge of the cushion, struggling to remember what the woman had said her name was. "Uh, I'm Ellsworth Hudson. My friends call me Ells, but...er, are we supposed to be formal?"

"Not unless it would make you feel more comfortable. You may call me Prudence if you wish," she said and smiled gently, reassuringly. He looked so nervous. She felt for him for that, wanting him to feel he could relax. "Would you like some green tea or something else to drink, Ells?"

"Prudence," Ellsworth repeated, as if he was saying the word for the very first time. Didn't that mean something? He couldn't remember. "Uh, no, thank you. I don't like tea. It's bitter." His eyes roamed around the room as he did his best not to think of the endless trips he'd made as a child to counselors and social workers. At least this room wasn't as sterile as theirs had always seemed to be. Maybe if he quietly waited long enough, she'd just make some notes and tell him he could leave and he wouldn't have to think about this horrible, stupid, awful idea ever again.

She smiled gently as she watched him, nodding as she got up and walked to get the green tea regardless, for herself. "You can have something else if you prefer," she said, adding the hot water to the teapot. "I want to thank you for coming. It's...not often I have people dropping by," she carried the teapot over and sat down again. He was...clearly nervous. Bad experiences with counsellors? She wasn't sure and she wouldn't pull his file while he was here. It was rude. "So, Ells. How can I assist?"

"I like sex," Ellsworth said plainly, turning his attention back to her. He jumped a little bit at realizing what he said. "I mean... Wait. I do like sex. But I think it's a problem. Like, not normal liking it. More like, messed up liking it. I'm not addicted or nothing like that. I think I just do it wrong."

"Do it...wrong?" she asked with surprise. She smiled gently, watching him. "Is it...a fetish? Something you feel isn't socially accepted?" she needed more detail. His statement...well, the majority of people enjoyed sex. If the partner was good anyway.

Ellsworth had a sly look. "No, no, not that kind of wrong. I'm very good at it. I just mean... Hmm. I think, maybe, I have an unhealthy relationship with sex. Like, see... I saw this guy I used to know, and it got me really messed up. So the next day I was working with this crewman, and he was really cute. Like, way cute, with really pretty hair, and he was small and just...he was cute, okay? I was with him in the supply closet, and I just felt like I needed it. You know? It didn't have anything to do with him. I mean, it did cuz...obviously, you know, he was involved... But it could have been anyone. It wasn't cuz he was special or something. I just needed it, almost like I couldn't stop myself. There's always some little voice that says, 'Nooo, Ellsworth, don't do it,' but I always tell it to shut up."

Her eyes softened at the words and she gave a small nod. "So it is more of a...need you satisfy? Like thirst?" she asked, pouring herself some tea. She was, in her mind, considering his words. He was young. He was very young. A bit of wild youth never harmed much, but...it was about self control too.

Ellsworth rolled his eyes like the petulant young man that he was. "Guh, no, not like I've just got a hormone problem, I mean..." He slouched back into the couch, rested his hands on his thighs and decided if he was going to get anywhere it would probably require the truth. "Okay, so, like, when I was 16 I ran away from Betazed, went to Risa, and became a sex worker. And I did that for, like, two years... Not all the guys were nice, right? Most of them were nice, it's not like it was a bad life, but some of them would rough you up a little bit. And this guy I saw the other day, he was one of those, and he tried to put his hands on me. There was a little...er...like, a little scuffle."

He took a deep breath and pressed on, speaking quickly as if getting everything out in rapid fire sequence made it less unpleasant. "And seeing him again really messed me up. I thought I was doing a lot better than I was, but I kinda slipped back to having sex to make myself feel better. You know, like...wanted. Somebody wants you, and it makes you feel good. You can please them, and you can feel it and see it in their eyes how much they want you. So... I kinda used to do that a lot. And then, uh, I did it again the other day, with that crewman. He was kinda young and inexperienced, so I just felt like if I could make him happy then he'd be really appreciative. Like, I wanted it to be something he'd never forget, and that made me feel good, the way he looked at me during and after. But...I don't think that's the way you're supposed to do it, right?"

She watched him with surprise at the words that escaped him. "Ells..." she said, her voice gentle. "Sex...is many things. But it's not a tool to make people like you. And you...you're worth more than just a shag in a cupboard. As was he." She spoke firmly though, with a weak smile. "Although I bet he will never forget that...fumble. You...said you have slipped back to having sex to make you feel better and you recognise the trigger for it, seeing the person who hurt you in the past. You also recognise something must be done, or else you wouldn't be in here talking with me." She stopped before sitting back, holding his eyes. "You're worth more. You were always worth more and you know as well as I that...the feeling you get while you are doing it fades within seconds. I can only give you the tools you need to try and think about it differently, but the real work is within yourself. Your emotions, your reactions. I can offer perspective, but...you must want to go stop using sex as a magical cure for it to work. Does it make any sense?" she added the last as a genuine question. His situation was unique to her. And he was so young. That she couldn't get out of her mind. He looked so young.

Ellsworth looked a little skeptical. On some level he knew sex wasn't a tool to make people like you, but then again, it seemed to work like that sometimes. For the most part what she was saying wasn't anything new, so it didn't take him long to think it over.

"Yeah, I get it. I need to have self-worth and not try to make people like me by bedding them. And I should try to make myself feel better with sex because it's only temporary. I know all that stuff, but I don't know what else to do. It's like..." He paused, turned his gaze up to the ceiling, and seemed to think about what he wanted to say. "Like with Win-...er...that crewman. He wanted me. He needed me. I don't think he could see anybody else in that moment, right? It makes you feel alive when someone looks at you that way, like you're a real person and you're worth something to someone, you know?

"So, what am I supposed to do to replace that? What do normal people do? Is there like some kinda prescription you can write me or something, like if I have a hormone suppressant maybe then I won't do it?"

"Chemical castration is not the answer," Prudence said gently, watching him for a long moment. "Ideally, you end up replacing it with something meaningful. A relationship. Friendship. I'm not saying give up sex. Only that instead of doing it the moment you need a boost, you...take some time. To consider other options and make sure that it isn't a fleeing urge in the moment." She tilted her head, watching him closely. "I'd recommend masturbation, however I don't think it is the pleasure you crave. I suspect, but could be wrong, that it is the closeness, physical, to compensate for the lack of emotional closeness."

"Hmm, that's deep," Ellsworth said, sinking back into the couch again with a thoughtful look. He was accustomed to doing things on impulse; in fact, practically every aspect of his life was impulsive, like lurching from one decision to the next without very much forethought at all. For the most part it hard worked up to this point, or had it? Maybe it was just that it had stopped working. "Masturbation doesn't work; it's not the same. And the holodeck doesn't work, either. It has to be a person." He chewed on his bottom lip. "What am I supposed to do while I'm waiting to see if it's just an urge or not? And how am I supposed to tell the difference between a bad urge and a good urge?"

She watched him for a moment, wanting to be helpful, but also knowing there were limits. "Find something to distract yourself with. Anything. Just for a few hours and then decide," she said softly before tiling her head. "I am not asking you to be celibate. Just...act less on instinct. Think about yourself and that person. Ask how much you both need it. Mentally, of course, not...out right ask them. That could be awkward."

"You'd be surprised how often that actually works," Ellsworth said, giving her a wry grin and a wink.

The grin quickly faded, though, as he continued to reflect on what she'd said. He worried he'd never find something to replace the impulsive need to copulate. From his perspective, everyone who might have offered that ended up leaving him shortly after meeting him. It had happened several times on Risa - someone who seemed different and took an above-average interest in him only to disappear on the next transport. Since joining Starfleet, he thought he'd made several friends, but they didn't seem very stable. Ollie, his roommate, had transferred without a word. His ex-boyfriend, K'os, ignored him for weeks and then left the ship. His most recent roommate, Melinda, had disappeared with only a hasty and half-hearted goodbye letter. And Oren... He scowled. Oren had left him twice now.

"What if I never find 'something meaningful' to replace it? I mean, I know I'm not, like, old or anything, but I am twenty and I don't think I've even had a single friend." He said it so plainly that it was clearly a statement of fact rather than an attempt to elicit sympathy. "So, let's say I try really hard not to sleep with anybody for like three months or something, but what if nothing changes in three months? Or six months, or even a year?"

She held his eyes, searching his for a long moment before looking down. "Then," she met his eyes, searching them. "We cross that bridge when we come to it. It's...all I can advice at the moment. You are a likable man. You're smart, you're beautiful...and you are worth knowing as a friend. You're worth being loved too, but you will only be able to make yourself that vulnerable when you love yourself enough to trust others with you. The true you." She reached for the teapot and poured a little more tea, taking the moment to think. "My ex-husband had a friend. She was a teacher, on Earth. Once, when she was over for dinner, she had a bit too much to drink and told us of her son. He had run away from home when he was 15. She thought he was dead. He wasn't. He became a prostitute in London. When they reunited, he had a wife. She was pregnant. They were...happy. But the journey there hadn't been easy. He had almost broken their marriage several times over, but she stuck by him. Faithfully, to his pain, his self-loathing." She stopped and smiled weakly. "That story has a happy ending. Yours can too. But only if you allow yourself to remember the bad times too, rather than push it down and hide it behind a smile."

Ellsworth frowned, almost as if on cue. The story about her ex-husband's friend had enough similarities, but it sounded like that guy just got lucky in finding someone who stayed by his side. He felt like he'd had a thousand people at his side, maybe more, and not a single one of them had chosen to stay. So, what did that say? Something was wrong with him, or he was just unlucky? Some days it felt the former; some days it felt the latter. Or was the real problem like she said? No one would love him until he loved himself enough to trust others with the real him. What did that even mean? His frown deepened in response to the thought, and he felt himself bordering on the kind of frustration he'd always felt in counseling.

"I don't see what good it does remembering all that stuff," Ellsworth asserted, folding his arms protectively and defensively across his chest. "That's what every counselor says. 'You can't run away from the past, Ellsworth.' Well every time I don't run away from the past then it just makes me sad, and I end up going out and sleeping with somebody to stop being sad. And sometimes that doesn't even work. Sometimes it even makes it worse."

"There's a difference between dwelling on something bad and working your way through it," Prudence said gently as she held his eyes. "It's a wound. It's infected...you clean it, it aches more, but starts healing. With less scarring," she held his eyes, holding them with meaning. "But only if you are willing to go there. Eventually. Not today, or tomorrow. But in the long run, going through it...it will help you. It's not about running. It's not even about facing it. You've faced it. You're here, you're alive. But it's about seeing it as what it is and...accepting that side of you, those emotions."

"That's dumb, I don't wanna do that," Ellsworth said dismissively, breaking eye contact. But he didn't sound entirely committed to the statement, like somewhere among the sudden rebelliousness and resistance he was willing to admit she might be right.

"Are you afraid that you might realise you weren't in control and therefore it wasn't your fault you got hurt?" she asked, watching him calmly. "These things do not make you weak. And you are in control now. If you allow yourself to be."

The corner of Ellsworth's mouth turned down in a look of annoyance. In his mind, this lady, Prudence, had gone from being insightful and a good listener to a pushy know-it-all in a matter of seconds. Why did they always have to try to get you to do things you didn't want to do? Why couldn't they just listen? None of them ever seemed to be satisfied with that. They were always poking at him, trying to probe his mind and turn the screws until he agreed to do something unpleasant and (he thought) unhelpful, like all you had to do was embrace the fact that you were a messed up war orphan rape victim and suddenly everything would be just fine.

"Uh, no. First of all, I know I'm in control. I always have been, okay?" Ellsworth said flippantly, sounding almost like he believed his own lie. "And I don't think any of that bad stuff is my fault. I didn't blow up my own parents or, like, call the Jem'Hadar and tell them to knock my house down. I didn't say, 'Hey, why don't you rape me today?' or 'I sure am sick of having a boyfriend for like the first time ever, so maybe you should just disappear without saying a word to me.' Other people did that stuff, okay? I know that. I know that. But it's still really unpleasant, and I just don't want to think about it. You shouldn't have to think about stuff you don't wanna think about for no reason."

"But there is a reason," Prudence said as she sipped her tea, watching him. "You know it, I know it. We can dance around, back and forth, place the game out. Although neither of us would enjoy that, or find anything...meaningful at the end of it. But...things are moving swiftly. Please take my advice...give yourself that time to think," she said as she met his eyes, holding them firmly. "To make sure." She could see, by his answers, she wouldn't get much further today with him. She wasn't going to back down, but she wasn't about to back him into a corner either.

"Okay, fine," Ellsworth finally relented, softening significantly. He could sense there wasn't any malice or ill intent in her words, only helpfulness, but that only slightly took the edge off his stubborn belligerence. "I'll think about it."

She arched an eyebrow, watching him for a moment before giving a small smile. "And I do expect to see you here. Soon. If only to tell me I am wrong, correct?" she held his eyes, her own warm and patient...but playful too.

Ellsworth snorted and blew air through pursed lips, making a sound that seemed to indicate her being wrong was a foregone conclusion. "You can count on that. Being right's no fun unless you can gloat." He stood up from the couch and made to dismiss himself, but stopped just short of the door. She had at the very least listened and tried to be helpful, not drug him up or reassign him or pass judgment about his lifestyle. That was worth...something. "Thanks, Prudence."

"I am expecting you back here, Ells. Even if I have to drag you here myself," she said and smiled, nodding to him to let him get going. She was glad he had seen her. And she hoped he would think about what they had talked about.

OFF:

PO3 Ellsworth Hudson
Quartermaster
USS Galileo
[ PNPC - Mott ]

&

Lt. Prudence Devin
Chief Counsellor
USS Galileo

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