Another Dark Night (Part 1)

Posted on 18 Apr 2013 @ 7:32pm by Lieutenant Kiri Cho & Lieutenant Dawn Meridian

3,067 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: Episode 03 - Frontier
Location: USS Galileo - Deck 3, Dawn's Office
Timeline: MD3 2400

[ON]

For the rest of her shift the words that Liyar had said echoed around Kiri's head, "Lieutenant, until you are at peace with who you are, until you have stability and confidence in yourself, then others will undoubtedly prefer not to spend time with you." Was that true, she had been questioning herself and her relationships before that and it was like a hammer blow. She didn't hate herself but Kiri had never really liked herself, she had always suppressed herself. When she was young she was the daughter she felt expected rather than Kiri. As she got older the student, the hard worker, then the scientist and finally the officer. Each layer was built on the last and all of them worked to remove as much of a trace of her inner self as possible. Ever since she was a child and she was first teased she had tried to hide. And now her greatest single fear was that someone somewhere wouldn't like the real her. Sealed up and sunken at the bottom of her heart, so she would never have that fear realised.

Now she was told that because of that no one would ever like her, they wouldn't want to be with her. Yet she felt completely powerless to do anything at all about it. She wanted to cry, to scream and break something, fix herself with a snap of the fingers, but she couldn't. Last time she had felt like this she had called Brayden but he was gone, that still bothered her. So what option did she have, if none of her friends really liked her then she couldn't talk to them. So that left. While she hadn't spent a whole lot of time with Lieutenant Meridian it seemed like her only outlet that wasn't leaving her on her own. Huddled into her office chair Kiri send a small message, "Are you available for a talk?" It felt like that night all over again, that had been her fault too. Reading texts that firmly blamed her for her problems in life.

Dawn's last appointment had ended over a half hour ago. She'd been browsing through PADDs with the lights dimmed since, although she wasn't sure that she'd actually read anything in that time. Had she? There had been forms and files and reports and she was pretty sure there'd been something about... Nope, lost it. She sighed to herself. When it came down to it, she was just putting off going to bed.

Dawn blinked, glancing back down at the PADD in her hand. A message? At... 0001, the PADD announced. From Kiri - er, Lieutenant Cho. Once she got a name in her head, it just wouldn't change. A talk? Kiri had been having bad dreams, and it was past midnight. Maybe it was about that. Dawn was curious now, and there was no stopping her once that happened. Plus, if it meant putting off going to bed, it couldn't hurt.

"Sure. Where?" she replied. She decided it would be better to say more than just two words. "I'm still in my office. Or I can meet you somewhere."

"I can come to your office," Kiri had been watching the screen to a reply, breathing deep and trying to hold herself together. For a moment more she watched the screen for a reply. Her quarters weren't exactly a safe place for her.

"All right. I'll be here." Dawn set down the last of the PADDs and paced over to the replicator. She put a finger on her chin for a moment, then announced, "Hot chocolate." Hot drinks always tasted better at night, anyway.

Standing up Kiri went to wash her face and make sure she was presentable. Even in her current state it didn't take long and she was ready to make a trip through the ship. Walking briskly she found Dawn's office and rang on the chime. Trying not to think about anything too much on the way.

Dawn had only finished half of her hot chocolate when the chime rang. She was so curious about the sudden midnight meeting that she was completely awake again. She set the mug down on a cork coaster on her desk and met Kiri at the door. "Hi," she said softly. "Come on in. If there's anything you'd like from the replicator, it's yours." Kiri looked a bit different from when they had last met, although she couldn't put her finger on exactly why. Maybe it was just because it was late and she was tired. Maybe it was the sad look in her green eyes.

Kiri nodded, she hadn't eaten other than one bite since breakfast. She wasn't really hungry though as she tried to hold herself ridged as she walked. Meeting Dawn's grey eyes she almost formed a smile but quickly it faded, it wasn't polite to do so but she wanted to start right away, "Could you like someone that didn't like themselves?" All evening that question at been tearing away at her inside, making her feel sick. Voicing it at least for now seemed to help a little.

Dawn blinked. It was one of those questions. Questions that, at any other time, could just be philosophical. But Kiri wasn't asking the question just because she could. She was asking something important to her. It wasn't a hard question, though. "Of course." There was no doubt in Dawn's eyes. "I don't really know what makes people interesting to me, but I know it has nothing to do with how much they like themselves. All that does it make it easier to find out about them to begin with."

So what Liyar said wasn't true? That made her feel much better, bringing a relived smile to her, "Thank you." Then after a deep breath, "Do you think that is the same for most people?" If that was also how it was then she could feel a little more sound in the relationships she had developed so far.

Dawn couldn't help smiling back at Kiri, though it faltered a bit as she thought about Kiri's second question. She wasn't most people - she was a counsellor, and that let her guess well, but still... "Kind of," she said at last. She closed her eyes for a moment. "It's not simple. Some people like confident people. Some people see them as arrogant or self-interested. I don't think a lot of people dislike people who don't like themselves. It's just they're harder to understand, sometimes. I don't think that's a bad thing." Her grey eyes studied Kiri closely. She seemed so... fragile. This didn't seem like a train of thought she'd stumbled onto on her own.

Anger flared inside her for a brief moment. Dawn's eyebrows shot up in surprise. She didn't get upset easily. She didn't know anything, so what was the point of being angry? She didn't even know who she was angry at... or even what for.

"Thank you," Kiri let out a deep breath of relief, so it wasn't really a problem. Thank goodness. It was something that one day she would have to confront and deal with but it wasn't going to stop her making friends. It wasn't going to stop everyone from liking her. Stepping inside slightly the door shut behind her, "Sorry for calling so late." It was becoming fairly clear to her that her entire problem was very childish and she was inflicting it on Dawn. As she met her eyes though even Kiri could read something, "Is something wrong?" Concern flooded her voice as she maintained her gaze.

Dawn shook her head. "I don't know." Her own answer surprised her a bit. She really didn't know. It had been a momentary flash of anger, but... why? But Kiri had noticed. That was something. People had a hard time reading her, sometimes. "And you don't need to apologise for anything," she said softly. "That's what I'm here for, remember? And I don't just mean as a counsellor. If I helped at all, then it was worth it." A smile touched her lips. "Plus, it wasn't that late, anyway."

"Okay," Kiri gave a small smile back, "You're very kind." She paused for several seconds as she tried to think, was it right to talk about it? Could it really help? Maybe, it didn't come naturally though, "Would you like to listen?"

She gave Kiri a single firm nod. "I would." She paced back to her desk to pick up the half-finished hot chocolate she'd left there. If she waited much longer, it would be warm chocolate, and she couldn't have that. "Of course I would." Maybe it would help Kiri. Maybe it would help her.

"I've been having lessons on improving my telepathic abilities with Lieutenant Liyar. I had lunch with him today and he said, before I could integrate with anyone else I had to find myself. Until then no one would want to be around me or really be my friend." She was looking rather close to tears now as she came to a stop. It wasn't really Liyar's fault for what he said but it really hurt. It took her hope away and that was one of the only things holding her together in the loneliness.

The anger flared up again, for a brief moment, and then evaporated into confusion. She knew Liyar - or at least thought she did. He wasn't a person who said things to people with intent to hurt them, and he wasn't a liar, either. So... he really believed only confident people were liked by others? That was... bizarre. She was pretty sure it wasn't true... Then again, Liyar was an odd one. Not that anyone wasn't odd, in some way.

She understood, now. She'd gotten angry because she'd thought someone had lied to Kiri to upset her. But that wasn't true after all.

Wait... She'd missed something. 'Improving my telepathic abilities'? Right. Kiri was Trill. Telepathy wasn't really out of the ordinary. But to be learning from Liyar, whose abilities were so... strong... it worried her a little bit. "I doubt he meant it in a cruel way," Dawn said. "I think he was probably trying to be helpful. He comes from a very different culture, so he might not understand the basis of non-Vulcan friendships. I'm sure he's confused about how he hurt you."

"I don't think he was trying to," Kiri clenched her eyes tight shut, "But it still hurt." Shifting her shoulder slightly she sunk forwards, not really sure what to say next.

There was a finality to Kiri's words. There wasn't much left to say about that, after all, as long as Kiri felt better. But there was another question biting at her. "You're taking telepathy lessons?"

"Yes, it is quite different from anything I've done before," Sniffing Kiri covered her nose, "Being inside something without actually being there."

Dawn's grey eyes widened. She'd thought about telepathy as she'd talked with Liyar, but she still didn't completely understand how it felt. It was hard for her to imagine having another sense, something unlike the five or so she already had. "That sounds amazing," Dawn said sincerely. "I wish I knew what it was like."

Kiri wanted to say that maybe there was a way but she didn't really know for sure, wasn't that part of what a mind meld was? She didn't want to sound stupid in front of Dawn but, "Maybe you could ask Liyar, or another Vulcan?"

"Hm." That made a lot of sense, although she didn't really have any idea how to approach the subject with Liyar. 'Hey, could you mind meld with me so I can understand how telepathy works?' That was a bit silly. She wasn't even sure if they could do that, but it sounded like they could. Still... "I guess I can give that a shot if it ever makes sense to ask," she said. "I didn't know there was a way to train something like that. I always thought of it as something like hearing, or sight. I can't really have someone tell me how to see better." Although they could probably tell her what to look for...

"It is like, learning to speak, and to walk at the same time, I think. Maybe like, what to look for rather than to see?" Kiri tried to think back to when she learnt either of those things but couldn't really. It was early for a human from what her mother told her, but for a Trill? Anyway biting on her lip she looked up at Dawn properly, there was another question. But she wasn't sure if she should ask it yet or not.

Dawn tilted her head and made a half-understanding, half-confused little sound. That sounded really, really hard. She didn't really remember either of those things. Then again, she'd eventually learned how to do them, so it had least been possible. Baby Dawn could have done both at the same time if she had to, but learning how to walk and talk as an adult didn't sound nearly as easy. Still, if it meant being able to do those things, she'd have gladly tried. It made sense that Kiri wanted to improve her telepathy, then.

Dawn blinked, her big grey eyes gazing back at Kiri. It looked like something was bothering her, although maybe she was still dwelling on what Liyar had said. If not... she didn't really want to risk scaring the words away, so she decided to wait.

Not really sure what the sound meant, nor the silence, Kiri looked uncomfortable. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes for a moment, "It's late, sorry." It was past time for bed for normal people on Alpha shift. Kiri really didn't want to impose.

Dawn blinked again. "I said I'd listen to whatever you had to say. Whether it's late or not doesn't bother me. If I can help at all, I'd much rather do that than try to sleep, anyway." She probably wouldn't be asleep for at least an hour anyway, so it wasn't like Kiri was taking that away from her. Dawn smiled. "So don't worry about that."

"Okay," That made her feel a little better. Refocusing on why she was here a little more Kiri bit on her lip, "Did you read about my other sessions?" There were a lot of things she'd talked about in those, most of her problems remained the same.

She gave a little nod. "I read some and looked through others," Dawn said slowly. Kiri was wondering probably wondering what she already knew. She had a general idea, although she wasn't sure how much of it was still true. She didn't like learning about people like that for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it was old. Sometimes other counsellors' thoughts were completely wrong. Some people didn't like it when she knew things about them without asking. Sometimes, people were angry no matter what she did. "Is that okay?"

"That's fine," Kiri forced a submissive smile, "I just wondered if you knew, how much you knew." She wasn't in that much of a mood to bring up everything she had already gone over. But talking more meant she could stay longer, maybe she could answer some different questions?

Dawn glanced away for a moment, suddenly finding her office's array of plants very interesting. "I don't know everything," she said quietly. "Just enough to get an idea of how to help. That's what I usually do." She peered back at Kiri. "I feel like counselling is a really... private thing. It feels strange to look at it from the outside, like through a session log. Feels... wrong." She waved a hand. "Aaand I'm rambling."

"It's okay," Kiri liked listening to her talk, "I've been trying to do the things I've talked about to the other counsellors, it's just hard though." A sigh escaped her, it wasn't going nearly as well as she wanted. It didn't seem to be going much of anywhere at all.

Dawn took one last sip of her hot chocolate and abruptly moved back to the replicator. "So," she said cheerily, "after our talk a few days ago, I brought something here." She put the empty mug in the reclamator and then reached under her desk. "I thought it might come in handy sometime." Finally, she set a small grey case on the surface of her desk and grinned. "My violin, Aria. I'd like to play it for you."

"Oh?" Kiri was rather surprised as she watched, though some people had talked about it. No one had ever played her music before, her mother used to sing but that was it. Just for her, it left her a little bewildered. Clenching her fingers she watched wide eyed, "Thank you, very much."

Dawn opened the case gently and took out the violin, holding it her in hands like she would a child. She frowned; there was a long dormant pressure rising in her chest. Had it really been that long since she'd played for someone? She smiled to herself. She'd made a promise that she wouldn't be afraid anymore, but somehow, this felt okay. She closed her eyes and put the bow to the violin, feeling its weight in her hand.

The first few notes were shaky and quiet, but slowly evolved into a clear, thoughtful melody. The sound filled the small room, Dawn's body swaying softly in time with the music. The pressure in her chest eased and finally disappeared. In that moment, there was nothing but her, Kiri, and the music.

Dawn's grey eyes shone, her cheeks slightly flushed. "It's been a while since I did that," she said breathlessly. She gave Kiri a big smile. "Thank you."

[TBC]

Lieutenant (JG) Dawn Meridian
Counsellor
USS Galileo

Lieutenant (JG) Kiri Cho
Assistant Chief Science Officer
USS Galileo

RSS Feed