Maybe I Shouldn't Be Here Anymore

Posted on 29 Feb 2016 @ 4:30pm by Jynn

379 words; about a 2 minute read

Maybe I shouldn’t be here anymore.

On this ship. With this organization. Maybe I shouldn’t be around these people.

Everything I do is selfish and uncontrolled. Fickle and carefree. The cocktail of drugs they have me on now helps, but that still doesn’t change who I am or what I have done. Or what I could still do. I am still fully aware of my actual self, even if I can’t act it out anymore.

I’ve broken my oath, but what’s worse is I have broken everyone’s trust. My people. My fellow crewmembers. Everyone. I swore an oath that was to be upheld for the benefit of everyone and I broke it in record time.

Why? Because I am selfish. All of my actions are done only for myself. How can I serve a greater good when I can’t even look beyond my own being? All I have ever done is put myself first. Even avoiding being sent home. I’ve managed to avoid that, but at what cost? Who's to say if my current punishment is worse, but one thing is certain, even with all the precautions my oath can be broken again.

And you know what? I don’t want that. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. But I don’t want to go home either. Maybe I can just sneak out on some dark and starry night. They all are in Starfleet, afterall. Maybe it would be best for everyone if I just disappeared. Jumped a freighter. Hide somewhere secluded.

Dereliction of duty? Treason? Insubordination? What would it matter? You think they’d honestly search out the person who should have been discharged and kept out of Starfleet for the rest of his life in the first place? I’d be doing them a favor. I’d finally get away from it all.

And so here I am being selfish again. Escape. I think I’m helping others but maybe I’m only helping myself. But if I were to get away then at least there would be no one around left to hurt. How else could I get away from everything?

I… I just don’t know anymore…

Maybe I shouldn’t be here anymore...

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