Personal Log 007

Posted on 30 Jun 2015 @ 10:27pm by Lieutenant Olsam Mott

417 words; about a 2 minute read

Personal Log, Stardate 69496.7.

"Recently I've discovered a public health emergency on the ship. There is an absolute pandemic of sexual activity among the crew, and I believe it is distracting the majority of them from their duties and responsibilities. In the past six hours I've caught Dr. Voutilainen staring into space no less than three times. It's almost like she's gone catatonic or something. But that's the least of it. It's spread everywhere. I hope the intelligence department can keep secrets better than they can keep their pants on for any length of time, for one thing. Operations is filled with baby factories and prostitutes. Engineering can't keep its hands off anything. There's a Deltan on board, and it's a scientific fact they can't keep their genitalia contained within clothing. And I can't even imagine what's going on in command. Literally, because they don't let me on deck one anymore.

"So, I have devised several medical interventions to save the crew from themselves. I plan to present them to Commander Stace at our meeting tomorrow.

"My first thought was to surgically remove the gonads of offending crew members, but that presented a number of problems. How do you determine who is having too much sex? Do you track them? Is there a sliding scale based on the differing biological imperatives to procreate in each species? Are Deltans treated the same as Betazoids? Humans the same as Vulcans? The system would be far too demanding in terms of monitoring, so I dismissed it. It's far easier to assume that everyone is having too much sex, as they likely are.

"I believe the better solution is to administer an aerosolized chemical agent through the environmental system to slowly lower the libido of the crew until everyone is temporarily sterilized. A colleague reminded me that chemical castration is frowned upon on certain member worlds, but I think Commander Stace will see the wisdom of my plan. I have hard data that suggests there will be an uptick in ship-wide efficiency of at least 27% if everyone just stops smashing their bits together. In addition, I have made a subliminal conditioning recording to be played in all quarters aboard the ship during off-duty hours to remind crew members that there is no need to procreate while serving in Starfleet. We have plenty of crew members; we don't need to make more. We're not Borg.

"Should she find that idea unsuitable, I have 47 other suggestions, beginning with...."

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