What A Third Pip Does To You At 3AM

Posted on 26 Apr 2015 @ 11:39pm by Commander Andreus Kohl
Edited on 26 Apr 2015 @ 11:39pm

637 words; about a 3 minute read

"Computer, begin recording a communique to Doctor Pola Ni Dhuinn aboard the USS Olympius," said Andreus Kohl. "As before, redact any explicit reference I make to the NIMBUS exercises or to the USS Nautilus."

Dear Pola,

I wonder...

I've been questioning... Questioning myself, and my place in things. Ever since they gave me that third pip, ever since they started calling me Lieutenant Commander Kohl... I can't help wondering if I have it in me to be a command officer. Have I hit my peak, or can I keep progressing? I feel as if I've forgotten every basic of situational leadership. I feel like I've misplaced all of my leadership competencies. This past week, the stress has been... Well, the only way to describe the stress is to measure the outcomes of that stress. And my solution to any questioning of my leadership has been to shout at junior officers until they submit. When did I become that officer? How did I become that officer?

More than anything, this is a scary because three pips was always the goal. It was part of the five year plan. I didn't- I couldn't always say it out loud. I don't know why, but I was afraid to admit it. I suppose it seemed ridiculous to me? I was a nurse, a long-term ensign, with a failed career in the diplomatic corps. How could I expect to make Lieutenant Commander? It hardly seemed like it should be part of the five year plan. It hardly seemed like it would make the twenty year plan! But it was there, it was always there. Every time someone didn't understand the shape of my career, the goal of command was the only answer. The only logical answer; the only answer that wasn't a depressing foreshadowing of my career flaming out entirely. When I was a kid, that's what Starfleet officers did. Starship captains would move them around, cross-train them, in the hope that every one of them could be a starship captain too some day. Since the Borg, since the War, I suppose everyone is so much more focused in Starfleet. So much more specialized.

But I'm losing it. I'm losing my touch. Losing my knack for dealing with people. I have a mentee. My department head asked me to mentor a science officer, Ensign Voutilainen. She is a brilliant scientist, and I know she has the capacity to apply that same brilliance towards her officer training, but I don't know if I've been any good for her. I don't feel like I'm getting through to her; I think I might just be piling stress on her, stress and judgment, and I don't want her to have any of those things.

And then there was Ensign Khnailmnae, the other day. I offered him a chance to stretch himself, to try something new. I offered him bridge duty and- and he refused. He refused outright. He had no interest in fulfilling his duties as a science officer - he didn't even know who was heading his department. I was baffled. I was so baffled, I just gave up on him. I ended the conversation and I walked away. Who does that? I don't do that, but I did that.

And there was another one. A junior officer who questioned me, questioned orders from Starfleet command, in front of the whole department. And I shouted at her. I made condescending jokes at her expense, and I shouted at her. In front of the whole department. I shouldn't be a Lieutenant Commander. ...I should hardly even be in Starfleet.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm yelling at Klingons, I'm yelling at junior officers...

It's three a.m. I wish you were here.

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